How to ask if they are STD free?
 

After many years of a monogamous relationship followed by marriage I am single and dating again. I've had and have lots to learn about woman and dating.

Since the divorce I've had one GF and was like a teenager and didn't think about protection. I've had a vasectomy so protection from pregnancy wasn't an issue but there are other things to consider.

Now I find myself dating more woman and getting closer to being physical with them.

My question is what to do about the condom? Use one or not? We are all in our mid to late 30's with kids so is there some implied health? I would like to think yes but I might be naive and stupid.

Do you ask your partner if they are clean or take no chances and use a condom? I know that sounds like a simple question but after 16 years of no condom sex its hard to imagine going back.

Thanks for your responses.

i read last week that the number of STD's and STI's of people in their 50's is rocketing because of the same attitude you have demonstrated in your post.

not sure if you have kids, but im sure you want to stay around for them if you do. that would be enough for most people to use protection.

What he said, plus, you are gambling ever time you have unprotected sex.
You can't tell who is infected and who isn't by looking at them. The only
way to know is to get tested.

So safe is better than sorry. So true. Got that and I'll be careful.
Any tips from people who have asked if the other person was clean? I imagine if I get serious with someone the question will need to come up before the glove comes off. I know they could still just lie though.

the easiest way is to be upfront. go get tested, and show them the results and that you're upfront and honest, and tell your partner that you expect the same level of openness from them.

tests dont lie.

Good idea. I see it working like this.

"I get tested, have my results in hand, have protected sex until they show me there results then either have fun or say no thanks."

Can't be afraid of hurt feelings when you are talking about a potentially lifetime illness.

How about just use the condom and not let them know you had a vasectomy. Then after being comfortable enough to ask, getting tested together.

In my old age I've made STD tests mandatory before I go beyond fondling.

It's a "within two weeks" thing in a relationship. No partner has had an issue.

I wasn't always that way. Sometimes I just rolled on a helmet and went in.

I have no desire to turn my dick into a flamethrower or develop the fuck-cancer.

This would be ideal, but the relationships are more casual than serious right now and the idea was to forgo the condom if it was safe. Might as well reap the rewards of a vasectomy right?:rolleyes:

On a side note. Love your avatar.

Tests aren't perfect. It's possible to get false negatives.
Not worth the risk.

You better check it before you wreck it.

I would put the idea out there to your date before you have a chance to become intimate. She may be thinking that you two will head back to your place and get it on that same night. And then you pop the question about STDs and like a 14yr old dude, she is shot down cause and has blueball/panties or whatever girls get. But instead, telling you want to save it for, Dr Smiths STD report, right away, saves that. This way she knows that it will take a week or two and you two can just kiss for now. If you don't want to imply sex or imply that you two will ever have sex, I also would find a way to casually mention that you are clean and all your ex's got STD papers too. I just came right out and said it, but it'd be good to implant it into a conversation.

I think its a great Idea and I operated with that premise for a while until Plan9 got me drunk in Thailand that one time. It was also surprising at the amount of girls who had never heard of that idea and were just risking it all every time they slept around.
After I used this plan things got really really good. It was almost better than telling a girl she's beautiful. They come by more often, offered to take ME out on dates etc... it seemed as if, with an STD test, you really care about their welfare (and your own ding dong too).

I know none of it right now can replace real love or a meaning relationship. But enjoy each phase of life for what it is and use this time to sleep around as much as you can, as long as its done safely.

One day you will find the right one and you can laugh at those STD tests.

You don't have to be incensitive dude, child support payments aren't THAT bad!

My standard phrase when I was still dating (not all that long ago) was to say, "I hope you don't mind, and I am sure it's probably superfluous, but where I come from, it's considered good manners for me to officially let you know that I am clean and free of any communicable diseases." Straightforward, leaves a nice, wide, open door....

As for condoms, doesn't matter what age you are. Use 'em. Use 'em every time, until such time as you have been with someone long enough to really trust that they are free of any communicable disease and are truly using alternate forms of birth control (though I guess this latter is obviated in your case). Nobody loves condom sex, but it's just how life is, my friend.

For hookups and anything non exclusive, suck it up and use condoms. For sensitivity, Durex are thinner than Trojan, Lifestyles are thinner than Durex, Kimono are the gold standard and thinnest/most unobtrusive there are. I don't really associate casual relationships with monogamy, so wrap it up unless it's just you and her and has been for two tests each after 6 months of monogamy (the threshold for when an HIV antibody tests are considered reliable.)

Everyone here has given some great advice. Thank you. Now I need to figure out how to say some of this in my own words. The first time I try will be comical I'm sure.

As an aside, I tried those new polyisoprene condoms (Lifestyles SKYN) and I was pleased with them. However, I've never tried any of the thin latex varieties.

-- I was originally coming in with some advice and/or commentary, but like my favorite expression and pasttime, looks like this issue has wrapped itself up quickly.
(/ haha, yes! I got my pun in there!)

I've always gone with the straight forward method myself...

Scene: Laying on the bed, mid dry hump.

Me: "You clean?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "Syphilis? Herpes? AIDS? You got any of them?"

Her: "No."

Me: "When were you last tested and how many people have you been with since?"

More girls than not have actually produced a copy of a recent test out of their dresser at this point.

Just ask. If they think you're being too personal, remind them you're about to intertwine genitalia.

For the record, out of the hundreds of sexual encounters I have had in my life, I have worn two condoms and never caught a disease or infection.

Unlikely.

You probably have HPV, and just don't know it.

You're like Pop-Up Video with a beard. Gimme more.

"Are you STD free?" lol

that wont guarantee you an honest answer though.

You're quite the cynic, Dlish.

you forgot lubed up knee-jobs too plan

How about knot holes in furniture?

The furniture doesn't make eye contact and moan.

HPV doesn't count. Something like 80% of sexually active people get HPV and never know about it.

The cervical cancer strain and the warts strain are the strains to worry about, and neither I nor the woman I've been sleeping with for the past almost two years have warts. If she had the dangerous cervical cancer strain, I'm pretty sure it would've been caught by now considering she's pregnant and undergoes all kinds of different tests monthly.

Furthermore, every girl I've slept with in the past few years had the HPV vaccination. What do I care about a virus that has no effect on me and she's immune to?

A friend of mine was having a hard time sealing the deal with this girl he was seeing, and he asked me for advice. I told him he should go get an STD test, and then show it to her. He opted to ask her to go get tested together, and it worked.

I would never take anything involving sex as implied, ever, nor do I ever take anybodies word for it either.

CONDOMS!!!!! And don't be shy either, double bag that sucker if you have to.

I worked for a health department specifically with the AIDS/HIV prevention program and STD clinic...... Wear a condom. People lie and are dirty.

Let the record show that I gave legitimate, sincere advice to someone even though he has a Nikon avatar.
Several common strains of HPV cause cancer. It counts whether you like it or nor.

I'll give you the eye contact but the moaning thing ... lets just say I have been to questionable residences.

Well my right hand doesn't moan or flash fuck me eyes either but that doesn't stop me from spending way to much time with it.

Although, when drunk enough drawing eyes and lips on my fist works surprisingly well...

The ex mrs. Pan and I dated for 30 days, sex free, then I was tested, at her insistance. Of course, I was negative, but HPV (from wife #1) didn't show. I was honest with #2 about it and we got married. After which she complained I gave her warts, which like I said I had been open about having HPV prior to our making love. Still with the guilt trips and the hostility she had.... it affected the sex life and thus the marriage. HPV isn't stopped by condoms from what I have been told. Plus, I have a severe latex allergy that makes my penis very sore and raw after wearing one. So, I flatly refuse to.

In the words of Kinison, "why fuck the pussy if you don't trust the pussy." Same could be said about the penis.

I dont know, but this does make me think of a conversation with a girl I had at work

There is this singer called Justin Beiber, and she was (I think jokingly, cos the singer is a 15 year old lad) saying she had "Beiber Fever" which is what the kids fans say

I mis heard for "Beaver Fever"... thought it was like a female version of saying you have the old knob rot...

Was pretty embarrassing when I hesitantly asked her if she had tried taking anti biotics for it.

As usual I have added nothing of value.

Strange,

I laughed out loud. You contributed....this time.:orly:

That was truly the funniest thing I have read or seen in weeks..... SF, if you had said that here in the states they'd have you up on sexsual harrassment charges and you would have no job, sadly.

My wife has the same allergy. There are several non-latex condoms available. A bit more expensive, but thinner and more comfortable than its latex counterparts.

No need to refuse then :)

LAW2 Hi ...

'how to say it' ... here's an option:

You can express it so the suggestion that you both get tested is an ASSUMED ... a PRESUPPOSED part of the process. Almost like 'Darling ... you're so ... so .. you make me feel like ... GETTING AN STD TEST'

In other words, you could say:
1: Yaaaaay! I'm crazee about you ... I want to go to bed with you BUT let's get tested first

Now get a feel of:
2:Yaaaay! I'm crazee about you ... Let's get tested AND go to bed.

Sex and safety then become part of the same message - part of the same body language and voice tone.

Best wishes