LAW2

After many years of a monogamous relationship followed by marriage I am single and dating again. I've had and have lots to learn about woman and dating.

Since the divorce I've had one GF and was like a teenager and didn't think about protection. I've had a vasectomy so protection from pregnancy wasn't an issue but there are other things to consider.

Now I find myself dating more woman and getting closer to being physical with them.

My question is what to do about the condom? Use one or not? We are all in our mid to late 30's with kids so is there some implied health? I would like to think yes but I might be naive and stupid.

Do you ask your partner if they are clean or take no chances and use a condom? I know that sounds like a simple question but after 16 years of no condom sex its hard to imagine going back.

Thanks for your responses.

dlish

i read last week that the number of STD's and STI's of people in their 50's is rocketing because of the same attitude you have demonstrated in your post.

not sure if you have kids, but im sure you want to stay around for them if you do. that would be enough for most people to use protection.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Amaras

What he said, plus, you are gambling ever time you have unprotected sex.
You can't tell who is infected and who isn't by looking at them. The only
way to know is to get tested.

__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928

LAW2

So safe is better than sorry. So true. Got that and I'll be careful.
Any tips from people who have asked if the other person was clean? I imagine if I get serious with someone the question will need to come up before the glove comes off. I know they could still just lie though.

dlish

the easiest way is to be upfront. go get tested, and show them the results and that you're upfront and honest, and tell your partner that you expect the same level of openness from them.

tests dont lie.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

LAW2

Good idea. I see it working like this.

"I get tested, have my results in hand, have protected sex until they show me there results then either have fun or say no thanks."

Can't be afraid of hurt feelings when you are talking about a potentially lifetime illness.

Xerxys

How about just use the condom and not let them know you had a vasectomy. Then after being comfortable enough to ask, getting tested together.

Plan9

In my old age I've made STD tests mandatory before I go beyond fondling.

It's a "within two weeks" thing in a relationship. No partner has had an issue.

I wasn't always that way. Sometimes I just rolled on a helmet and went in.

I have no desire to turn my dick into a flamethrower or develop the fuck-cancer.

LAW2

This would be ideal, but the relationships are more casual than serious right now and the idea was to forgo the condom if it was safe. Might as well reap the rewards of a vasectomy right?

On a side note. Love your avatar.

genuinegirly

Tests aren't perfect. It's possible to get false negatives.
Not worth the risk.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Baraka_Guru

You better check it before you wreck it.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

remy1492

I would put the idea out there to your date before you have a chance to become intimate. She may be thinking that you two will head back to your place and get it on that same night. And then you pop the question about STDs and like a 14yr old dude, she is shot down cause and has blueball/panties or whatever girls get. But instead, telling you want to save it for, Dr Smiths STD report, right away, saves that. This way she knows that it will take a week or two and you two can just kiss for now. If you don't want to imply sex or imply that you two will ever have sex, I also would find a way to casually mention that you are clean and all your ex's got STD papers too. I just came right out and said it, but it'd be good to implant it into a conversation.

I think its a great Idea and I operated with that premise for a while until Plan9 got me drunk in Thailand that one time. It was also surprising at the amount of girls who had never heard of that idea and were just risking it all every time they slept around.
After I used this plan things got really really good. It was almost better than telling a girl she's beautiful. They come by more often, offered to take ME out on dates etc... it seemed as if, with an STD test, you really care about their welfare (and your own ding dong too).

I know none of it right now can replace real love or a meaning relationship. But enjoy each phase of life for what it is and use this time to sleep around as much as you can, as long as its done safely.

One day you will find the right one and you can laugh at those STD tests.

Xerxys

You don't have to be incensitive dude, child support payments aren't THAT bad!

levite

My standard phrase when I was still dating (not all that long ago) was to say, "I hope you don't mind, and I am sure it's probably superfluous, but where I come from, it's considered good manners for me to officially let you know that I am clean and free of any communicable diseases." Straightforward, leaves a nice, wide, open door....

As for condoms, doesn't matter what age you are. Use 'em. Use 'em every time, until such time as you have been with someone long enough to really trust that they are free of any communicable disease and are truly using alternate forms of birth control (though I guess this latter is obviated in your case). Nobody loves condom sex, but it's just how life is, my friend.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

MSD

For hookups and anything non exclusive, suck it up and use condoms. For sensitivity, Durex are thinner than Trojan, Lifestyles are thinner than Durex, Kimono are the gold standard and thinnest/most unobtrusive there are. I don't really associate casual relationships with monogamy, so wrap it up unless it's just you and her and has been for two tests each after 6 months of monogamy (the threshold for when an HIV antibody tests are considered reliable.)

LAW2

Everyone here has given some great advice. Thank you. Now I need to figure out how to say some of this in my own words. The first time I try will be comical I'm sure.

Baraka_Guru

As an aside, I tried those new polyisoprene condoms (Lifestyles SKYN) and I was pleased with them. However, I've never tried any of the thin latex varieties.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Jetée

-- I was originally coming in with some advice and/or commentary, but like my favorite expression and pasttime, looks like this issue has wrapped itself up quickly.
(/ haha, yes! I got my pun in there!)

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Punk.of.Ages

I've always gone with the straight forward method myself...

Scene: Laying on the bed, mid dry hump.

Me: "You clean?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "Syphilis? Herpes? AIDS? You got any of them?"

Her: "No."

Me: "When were you last tested and how many people have you been with since?"

More girls than not have actually produced a copy of a recent test out of their dresser at this point.

Just ask. If they think you're being too personal, remind them you're about to intertwine genitalia.

For the record, out of the hundreds of sexual encounters I have had in my life, I have worn two condoms and never caught a disease or infection.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Stare At The Sun

Unlikely.

You probably have HPV, and just don't know it.

Plan9

You're like Pop-Up Video with a beard. Gimme more.

Lasereth

"Are you STD free?" lol

__________________
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

dlish

that wont guarantee you an honest answer though.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Plan9

You're quite the cynic, Dlish.

dlish

you forgot lubed up knee-jobs too plan

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Amaras

How about knot holes in furniture?

__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928

Plan9

The furniture doesn't make eye contact and moan.

Punk.of.Ages

HPV doesn't count. Something like 80% of sexually active people get HPV and never know about it.

The cervical cancer strain and the warts strain are the strains to worry about, and neither I nor the woman I've been sleeping with for the past almost two years have warts. If she had the dangerous cervical cancer strain, I'm pretty sure it would've been caught by now considering she's pregnant and undergoes all kinds of different tests monthly.

Furthermore, every girl I've slept with in the past few years had the HPV vaccination. What do I care about a virus that has no effect on me and she's immune to?

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

lostgirl

A friend of mine was having a hard time sealing the deal with this girl he was seeing, and he asked me for advice. I told him he should go get an STD test, and then show it to her. He opted to ask her to go get tested together, and it worked.

__________________
We're about to go through the crucible, but we'll come out the other side.
We always arise from our own ashes. Everything returns later in its changed form. - Children of Dune

Wes Mantooth

I would never take anything involving sex as implied, ever, nor do I ever take anybodies word for it either.

CONDOMS!!!!! And don't be shy either, double bag that sucker if you have to.

__________________

ZombieSquirrel

I worked for a health department specifically with the AIDS/HIV prevention program and STD clinic...... Wear a condom. People lie and are dirty.

__________________
Attack ZombieSquirrels

MSD

Let the record show that I gave legitimate, sincere advice to someone even though he has a Nikon avatar.
Several common strains of HPV cause cancer. It counts whether you like it or nor.

Xerxys

I'll give you the eye contact but the moaning thing ... lets just say I have been to questionable residences.

Wes Mantooth

Well my right hand doesn't moan or flash fuck me eyes either but that doesn't stop me from spending way to much time with it.

Although, when drunk enough drawing eyes and lips on my fist works surprisingly well...

__________________

pan6467

The ex mrs. Pan and I dated for 30 days, sex free, then I was tested, at her insistance. Of course, I was negative, but HPV (from wife #1) didn't show. I was honest with #2 about it and we got married. After which she complained I gave her warts, which like I said I had been open about having HPV prior to our making love. Still with the guilt trips and the hostility she had.... it affected the sex life and thus the marriage. HPV isn't stopped by condoms from what I have been told. Plus, I have a severe latex allergy that makes my penis very sore and raw after wearing one. So, I flatly refuse to.

In the words of Kinison, "why fuck the pussy if you don't trust the pussy." Same could be said about the penis.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Strange Famous

I dont know, but this does make me think of a conversation with a girl I had at work

There is this singer called Justin Beiber, and she was (I think jokingly, cos the singer is a 15 year old lad) saying she had "Beiber Fever" which is what the kids fans say

I mis heard for "Beaver Fever"... thought it was like a female version of saying you have the old knob rot...

Was pretty embarrassing when I hesitantly asked her if she had tried taking anti biotics for it.

As usual I have added nothing of value.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Cimarron29414

Strange,

I laughed out loud. You contributed....this time.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

pan6467

That was truly the funniest thing I have read or seen in weeks..... SF, if you had said that here in the states they'd have you up on sexsual harrassment charges and you would have no job, sadly.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

freeload

My wife has the same allergy. There are several non-latex condoms available. A bit more expensive, but thinner and more comfortable than its latex counterparts.

No need to refuse then

__________________
The future ain't what it used to be.

zenda

LAW2 Hi ...

'how to say it' ... here's an option:

You can express it so the suggestion that you both get tested is an ASSUMED ... a PRESUPPOSED part of the process. Almost like 'Darling ... you're so ... so .. you make me feel like ... GETTING AN STD TEST'

In other words, you could say:
1: Yaaaaay! I'm crazee about you ... I want to go to bed with you BUT let's get tested first

Now get a feel of:
2:Yaaaay! I'm crazee about you ... Let's get tested AND go to bed.

Sex and safety then become part of the same message - part of the same body language and voice tone.

Best wishes