Need help, bad sexual experience
 

Hello everyone,

First time poster so a bit of background.
23 male but sorta inexperienced in sex, only been with a couple girls. Anyways Im seeing this girl right now and Im having trouble sexually.
We tryed having sex once but it didnt work out well as I wasnt able to get hard. Thought it was performance anxiety as shes a bit older than me. Or that something was really wrong with me.

Anyways heres the problem.
First I dont get hard with her without physical stimulation. I am not sure if this is normal or not for someone my age, but i make out with her, feel her up, finger her, but I dont get hard at all.

So this situation occurs. Im in my car with her and she starts giving me a dry handjob. but shes not very good at it and it takes about 3-5 minutes before i start getting aroused. Finally I start getting hard and she keeps going but i cant ejaculate. She starts moving onto a blowjob but it felt terrible. I instantly went soft. She stays around the tip and felt kinda painful. I didnt tell her at all though and I said it felt really good I just didnt want to cum in my car. But this, combined with the failed sex attempt she thinks im lieing and thats im just nervous around her.

So Im not sure what I should do. She says stuff like dont worry about it maybe im just not the right girl for you and stuff like that and it makes me feel terrible. Shes older than me and we joke around that shes experienced and shell teach me some new things. Shes really open minded but I feel really uncomfortable telling her shes bad at oral sex. I dont know how to bring it up.

I also dont know how to make it better, I was thinking of bringing some kind of lube with me but i dont know if that would be kinda creepy or not. and I dont even know what to buy or where to get it.

Anyways please help I really dont know what to do.

First off; Welcome to TFP, James

You said
For a first time, and with an intimidating partner, performance anxiety is very much so possible. Based on solely this, I would have a hard time believing that something is terribly wrong with you.

You said
Now, normal is a dangerous word to use around sexuality as a whole. A more appropriate question would be "Is it normal for you?" Has it happened to you with previous partners? and what does get you hard, aside from physical interaction? (porn on the internet? certain memories? erotic stories? etc.)

Now, first and foremost, where are you mentally when this is taking place? are you calm and relaxed? or tense and nervous? Things like that have a HUGE impact on how easily you can get aroused (personally, when im really uncomfortable, you're going to have one hell of a time getting me hard)

IMO; when it comes to sexuality, honesty, honesty, honesty. You're not going to do anyone any favours keeping things like this to yourself. But at the same time I can understand how bringing it up can be somewhat uncomfortable, try bringing it up when you two are just lounging, or perhaps a non confrontational approach might work best?

First off, try your best to relax, and don't worry about whether or not you will get hard, or whatnot. You may also want to try something arousing that isn't physical (sexting, dirty comments, etc. This may not be very applicable however, I don't know much about your relationship.)
Bringing lube to an expected sexual encounter is anything but creepy, as far as I'm concerned. As for where to get it, your local drugstore or pharmacy will most likely have it (don't know where you live, but here in Canada, our drugstores will cary a wide variety of lubes, condoms and whatnot.)


Hope some of that helps!

Cheers

-Studentech

Thanks for the quick reply.

To answer a couple of your questions. No hasnt happened with my previous partners but its been quite a while like 1.5 years since my last encounter.

Also now that I think about it I dont/cant really get hard without touching. I get turned on by porn and erotic stories but wont get get hard by just looking. Is this common for most people?

Mentally Im not really sure where i am. Im trying to stay calm and relaxed and just enjoy it but I really do want to please her and the fact that I havent yet does bother me.

Another question. I live in Canada as well, which lubrication would you recommend, one that can be used with a handjob, oral and vaginal sex?

Glad to help :)


As for not getting hard from just porn, etc. Personally, it depends. Like I said, I can't force an erection... That's just not how I work. As for erotic stories and porn (lol, almost wrote pron) If I'm in the mood? I'll most certainly get a raging hardon. However, I can't answer for most people, because I haven't really asked a whole lot of people about it. This would definitely be the place, though. Just wait, more people will pitch in!

To me it really does sound like your mental state is causing most of the problems. You say that you not having pleased her yet bothers you... Have you tried pleasing her first before she makes any sorts of moves on you? Personally, If I'm still wearing my pants by the time I have my S/O moaning... anyway... yeah, I'm raring to go.
Ask her if she would mind if you could initiate, and try to do it somewhere comfortable and relaxed if at all possible. Your mindset is a huge part of sex (Pretty sure I've said that before... oh well) I personally had an extremely unfortunate experience where I was taken advantage of whilst drunk, for the longest while afterward whenever I would try to do anything sexual, by myself or with my S/O. My sex drive just completly shut down.

Anyway, anxiety isn't quite that suvere, but can still make it very difficult to just enjoy yourself.

As for lubrication, I'm probably not the best resource, but still I'll do my best :P I went out and bought the K-Y intrigue. It's non-cooling, warming, tingling, etc. Which is exactly what I was looking for. I've only ever used it for vaginal intercourse, but it works quite well, doesn't dry up too quick, and doesn't leave a sticky mess. I don't actually know what it tastes like... In my experiences, saliva is the best oral lubrication.

It's spelled "lying", kiddo, and you are. And if you keep it up, you'll keep getting what you've been getting.

Don't worry, it's a common rookie mistake. You'd rather pretend she's good at it (despite the unmistakable physical evidence to the contrary) than risk hurting her feelings. I understand, and I've been there. Here's what I (eventually) did with the bad blow-job-giver I cured. I took her finger and said, "Can I show you something? This is what you do. Now, this is what I'd rather you do." The lightbulbs went on, and she never gave poor head again.

You're a bit rusty and have performance anxiety. Just like most people do with new people.
I don't know how common it is, but it's not abnormal. Some people need a little more effort than others.
Performance anxiety again. You're ready to go but you're worried you're not doing enough for her. Suggestion: go down on her first next time you guys get down to business. Ask her to tell you what works for her and tell you if she wants you to do anything different. that'll make it less awkward for you to tell her what you like.
I'm not sure if they have this kind of advanced technology up there in your snow-covered third-world wilderness, but see if you can find Pjur Eros. Not for oral (that's what salivary glands are for,) but for everything else.

Mna, I'll be the female voice here... you have to give her a little guidance.
Just tell her what feels good and what could be done differently.
Every vagina is different, too, and what feels good to one girl doesn't to another.
so if you're honest with her, she should get it... if she's into it enough to not take offense.
If you don't tell her, don't expect it to change.
Hang in there.

First off you're stressed, embarrassed, and under pressure to perform. Like everyone said, the penis won't always work when your mind isn't straight. Sit down and talk with this girl. If she's worth staying with she'll understand and work with you. If she walks then she was never worth her salt anyways.

As for physically, going 1.5 years can get your body so accustomed to exactly what and how you like physically (you know exactly what to do to yourself). With a lot of porn you eventually get desensitized to normal sexuality as well. Try taking a week break from any masturbation and porn for a bit to see if anything happens as well.