Sex buddy dilemma
 

To get to the facts, im screwing one of my younger sisters friends (shes 18 im 20). Shes apparently had a life long crush on me, and our relationship is basically that of me recieving text messages late on weekends with her offering her services. Up to this point there has been no contact in daylight hours, so its basically the good old fuck buddy scenario.

The problem is that shes not attractive, to give you guys a picture, imagine a short stumpy ugly chick. Usually im all for having obscenely low standards, but if my sister finds out about this 3 month saga im in for a huge amount of embarrassment. So basically im trying to find a way to stop her from finding out.

Ive made it real clear to her that my sis can never find out about this, and ive reasoned with her that if she found out, she would be so enraged that i could never see her again. This had been working real well up until tonight when i found out she had told her best friend (another one of my sisters friends) about "us". It went downhill from there, she decided to grill me on why we cant make this a proper relationship and all i could really come up with to counter was the usual, that my sis would hate it. She didnt really take that as well as usual (teared up) and im getting the impression that its getting to the point where i have to make my intentions clear, and tell her i dont have feelings for her.

The complication is that i dont know how to do it.

Tell her i dont have feelings and risk her being so pissed that ive been fucking her for a few months without caring that she tells my sister to spite me.

I cant really think of much better, and im heading towards the option of just staying out of contact with her until she leaves in 6 months.
I managed to delete my number from her phone and all our messages that we've sent. The only other bit of paper trail remaining is our facebook correspondence which i wont be able to get to.

Im really just looking for general advice from anyone and especially those who've been in a similar situation to me.

wtf? The way this reads is you've been fuckin with this girls head for a few months, knowing she wants a relationship, and now it's blowing up in your face. If that's the case, wtf did you think was gonna happen. For fucks sake she is a real person, with real feelings, not some toy to be discarded when your through. Man up, tell her you really aren't interested in a relationship and deal w/ the consequences. Doing anything less is just childish.

Let's recap:

A) You've exploited this poor girl's lifelong crush on you for 3 months of duty-free booty calls

B) This entire time, you have avoided telling your sister about it - not because your sister would be mad at you for keeping it a secret, or because you've been cruelly exploiting her friend, but because it would cause you embarrassment

C) You also don't want anyone to find out about the affair because you think this girl is so ugly. However, for months you somehow managed to make the herculean effort to overcome this fact and still sleep with her all the time

D) After lying to the girl about why you want to keep the relationship secret, she oh-so-annoyingly got mad at you for lying

E) Having created the current situation, you now seek the help of everyone on this board as to the best way to end the relationship without having to endure any adverse consequences whatsoever as a result of your actions

I know TFP frowns on ad hominem attacks on other members, so let's just say you've been a total {I'm not being nice} so far and that only by kindly breaking up with this girl, apologizing profusely for everything, and telling your sister about the relationship can you retain even the slightest bit of dignity. I hope you realize that you are going to be the first subject of discussion in this girl's therapy sessions five years from now.

Ah, to be young.

No advice here, just can't wait to hear how it turns out. Go get'em, Tiger!

Well, I'm not going to sit here and give you a lecture. Your behaviour was pretty reprehensible, but you're going to be feeling the consequences soon enough without my intervention.

Guess what, chief -- 18 year old girls like to gossip. It's pretty much what they do. It was inevitable that she'd tell her friends, and now that she has it's inevitable that they're going to tell pretty much everyone they know. Your sister will find out about all of this, and probably sooner rather than later.

This is not a typical 'fuck buddy' scenario. Typical 'fuck buddy' scenarios are not unilateral -- it involves two people making a mutual decision to keep their relationship physical without all the emotional crap that goes along with it.

You've been using this girl for three months under false pretenses. Clearly she thought this was or was leading to a proper relationship, and clearly you did nothing to disabuse her of that notion. There's no way you're going to get out of this without hurting her.

Trying to just dodge her for the next six months is an immensely cowardly thing to do. It's not going to save her any pain, and is a maneuver designed solely for your own comfort.

If I were you... well, I wouldnt've gotten into a situation like this to begin with. But if I somehow did, I would start by sitting down with her and explaining as gently as possible that I'm not looking for a long term relationship. Don't worry about things like telling her how you've basically been abusing her trust for the last several months. She'll figure that part out all on her own.

I would also sit down with your sister and explain to her the situation. She's probably going to be pretty upset with you, but you knew that going in and it didn't stop you. Now you get to deal with the consequences of your actions.

In other words, stop being so fucking selfish and think about the other people involved here.

Karma, you're about to experience it.

yeah, you really should have known that this was going to get out from the start. there was no way it was gonna stay secret. you're just going to have to deal with it now. i'm not sure if there is much advise to give besides what some tohers have said.

man up. if you don't want a relationship with this girl, end it now. it's too late to not break her heart, but at least you can stop prolonging it and making it worse for you and her.

also, everyone is going to know. i'm sorry but it won't be a secret. girls gossip. my girlfriend tells me all kinds of sex exploits of her friends without me asking or really caring either way. it just happens.

Not even Houdini could slip out of this one unscathed - you're fucked and rightfully so. You're only twenty so I wouldn't expect your morals to intervene in matters of "gettin' yer dick wet" but you should that dick moves like the one above are the reason why so many women grow to become jaded and distrustful manhaters. If you're going to continue to behave in a such a selfish and hurtful manner then you might as well sort out some commission deal with your local feminist organizations as you'll undoubtedly be the source of a significant increase in their ranks.

Gee, I wonder how many of us did stuff like that (or worse) at that age.

If you're going to say it then go all the way and say it.

You mean talking about the questionable things I did in my youth regarding the use of emotions as currency to purchase the commodity of intercourse?

Use your imagination. Only so many ways the hotdog can go through the donut, chief.

I'm assuming those are pre-op stories. *snip snip*

Your post read to me as if you were criticizing those above whom you felt were too hard on the op when he's guilty of little more than being a dumb kid. I'm just trying to coax it out of you.

I concur.

If you really want to avoid the woman you're breaking up with, you may want to move away from the area. Your sister will likely find out. If she doesn't, it's because her friends feel they need to protect her opinion of you. Not a likely scenario with this crowd.

How to make the best of this rotten situation:

You could potentially smooth things over by breaking things off slowly.
Here's one scenario:

You could tell your sister that you've been seeing her friend, then go public with it, then let the relationship fizzle out slowly over the course of a month or two. Most young relationships don't last long anyway.

I don't quite understand your concerns about her looks. By going public with the relationship, it would give people the impression that you're more interested in personality than beauty.

I think you are giving this guy more character than he deserves.

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-+-{Important TFP Staff Message}-+- Please remember, everyone, that it is possible to be critical without being insulting.

Bummer, was hoping someone in here had some mind control solution to solve this.

This girl isnt the sweet little asian that you might be picturing in your head. I honestly put in zero grooming work, she would just bug me every weekend and then i finally gave in. I just wrote the post, because last night i really figured out how deep i got in, with her emotions. I honestly thought she was only asking me about a relationship because she wanted to make herself feel better about this meaningless sex.

On a side not, im certain im not the only one she has this type of relationship with.

I think its been more of a mutual exploitation.

I know im going to get ripped to shreds but i feel a little proud of myself that i could make a person have those feelings. It made me feel powerful, i actually giggled a little when she started getting teary eyes. Theres a few more levels i can go to on this but i think ive done enough to attract some more hate.


Cheers for the quick replies, was really hoping someone would have a simple solution but i guess its time to man up or hide and hope.

Im going for hide and hope because i reckon it gives me a small chance of coming out of this with zero embarrassment.

// Edit:

Looks like we crossed posts, which is unfortunate. But now that I've read your response I'm taking my advice out of here because you don't deserve the good advice you've already been given, let alone any more.

What a wasted of time.

jesus christ. this girl is crying because she thinks you have feelings for her but you don't, and not only do you not, but you're leading her on because you just want some ass. and you think that's funny?

i mean i'm not going to go on to insult you, i just don't think it'll be worth it. but the other members here are probably going to chew you the fuck out on that one. and you really deserve it.

damn, read my sig and figure out which one you are, because clearly your last post puts you on one side of the line.

You're responsible for your actions. I hope you get what you gave, and if your sister hasn't heard about this yet, I hope she does soon to knock your ego down a couple of pegs.

You've been an asshole to this woman and are gloating in it. Amazing.

You reap what you sow.

Not a hope in Hell, and rightly so. Whatever flavour of nasty comes your way, you purely and completely deserve every grain, gram, and ounce. Enjoy.

I know im probably a little screwed in the head but i really can't see what ive done thats so terrible. The only thing i regret is not making it obvious when we first started this was that i do not have any feelings towards her. I was clearly too vague when i told her we could never have a relationship because of my sister. At the time i was able to justify not being 100% clear because i had just slept with her and it seemed a little ruthless even for me, to tell her so soon after doing it. Then the next time i saw her, i figured "shit if i tel the girl now shes going to get real pissed and possible tell my sister" so i just held my tongue and hoped she would figure it out by herself. It just created a bigger hole.

ps. Yeh im probably not a great person but i reckon im making things sound worse because its nice to get some attention. I feel really lost in the world

it's about to get lonelier in your lost world

I hope you realize by now that you shouldn't be nearly as embarrassed by your situation as you should be about your reaction and response to it.

Facing something you regret doing---and yes, feeling the embarrassment---is one keen way of learning a lesson on what not to do in life.

Yeh your right. I just figured it would be interesting to see how other people would react to this without actually taking in what they were saying. It turns out im not as good at being emotionless as i first thought. For some reason im starting to care what complete strangers think of my character.

Your right, so ive either got to put a huge amount of effort in to get some respect back or change my name on here and start things over.

oh what about just manning up and taking responsibility for how you're treating a particular individual.

Heh. Karma. Some girl did similar things to me, and one day at work, she lost part of her finger. I was glad the Universe had some karma.

Listen, I'd recommend bucking up and being mature and "manning up" to the situation. Tell your sister, apologize to the girl. Feel sorry and assholic now, but you'll be better off in the long run knowing you did the right thing. God knows I wish I did the right thing when I home-wrecked a buncha girls.

Oi, I hate how the West has ruined the idea of karma. If the OP took the real concept of karma, he'd realize that making things as right as they can will alleviate some of his own suffering in the long run.

Quite possibly his actions stem from some unresolved issues. Making things right by taking responsibility is the first big step.

Either way, a_hero, don't worry: the universe isn't going to "get you." Just be concerned about how you handle yourself and others and how that affects you throughout.

although the OP is acting like a total twat, i do believe you guys are being a bit too hard on him...here's what i think

he doesnt have to tell his sister shit, not confess his sins to her
he doesnt have to tell this little hot asian number why he's not interested

yes, he's used this girl, but by the sounds of it, she seems to have this arrangement with a few men.

my piece of advice? be honest tell her that you dont see a long term future in this thing. dont get into the bullshit excuses 'its not you it's me' excuses, because everyone can smell bullshit when its laid.

if you sister finds out, its none of her business. she doesnt run your life and she needs to mind her own business.

you wont be the last person to try this stunt, but it doesnt stop you from being a total knob of a human being for toying with peoples emotions because deep down you knew she dug you but you didnt have the balls to tell her how you felt because you wanted to get laid

Ok, I have a solution for you, but you need to follow my instructions exactly:

1) Save this post.

2) In ten years, read it again, and have a good laugh at your younger self's expense.

There isn't anything particularly surprising about what you're doing...it doesn't sound particularly 'bad' - you aren't forcing this girl to do anything...maybe misleading and manipulating, which can effectively be almost as bad.

What you're showing is immaturity. There's nothing wrong with immaturity so long as you grow out of it eventually.

Sooner would be better, for you, and the people you're going to hurt along the way.

In ten years, when you read this, you'll most likely be a normal, well-adjusted, decent human being. There's a slight chance you'll grow up to be a complete douche, though...try to avoid that.

What you did was string this girl along. Not only do you come across as incredibly misogynistic but you are somewhat pleased with yourself for making someone think you like them, i.e. Cheat/Lie/Deceive ... be nice to the girl and break things off face to face. Genuinegirly has it right. Coming out in public will get you character points more than embarrassment for dating someone you did not find attractive. ... -->, Anyway, if you feel powerful for making a girl cry because she thought you liked her then I guess you have no points whatsoever to brag with.
Now your just mocking us ...

dlish

Your right ive been acting like a twat.

Going on your advice, im not going to tell my sister shit, and im going to speak to the girl and just be honest with her about how i feel.

Then i will make it clear that if she wants to tell my sister or anyone else about what happened im completely OK with that.

Cheers for all the advice, especially appreciated the ones that gave some guidance and didnt purely make a character judgement.

Hopefully this thread can end here before i get flamed too much more

not to be the asshole but fuck it we all fucked girls we dont want anybody to know about so let her tell your sister shouldn't be a problem all your sister will do is bust your balls every once in awhile. and yeah she a person with feelings but so what in the end all she was to you was a late night nut you had to bust

What this guy said.

I hope some chick does this to you someday. And when it happens? Post it here on TFP. Some of us want a good laugh. What goes around, comes around dude.

I need to tell KellyC to read this thread....on what not to do.

As an update, my relationship with her has been cleared up and now all is well. Thank to those who gave advice, this has all somehow turned out for the better.

ps. I know im still a terrible person

No. It didn't.
Look, I'm not about to jump on the bandwagon, and tell you what a horrible thing this is. For one, you already know that. If for no other reason than pretty much everyone else has already told you that. But, I think that, on some level, you already knew.
For another, as Plan9 has eluded, we've all got something similar, or at least comparable, in our histories. I will be the first to tell you that in my 47 years of walking this planet, I've done some very fucked up shit. Things that could curl your toes at night. I will tell you that none of it ever "turned out for the better".

You're alive, aren't you?

Yeesss. But, I assure you, that there are those out there that would see it otherwise.

Dude, you've got this "So what?!" guilty conscience that just won't quit. Heh, there is nothing to coax. I'm totally not that variety of dickhead, Skafe. And survey says we already have plenty of that type here at TFP, no? I was just stating that we've all done "bad things" in the past, especially at that age while hopped up on some Rob Zombie-style Superbeast hormones, and that I freely admit that I've done similar things myself back in the day. I'm not talking about others in specific, although your sentiment certainly applies to this thread given TFP's huge potential pool of applicants for sainthood.