Threesomes, dilemma
 

My boyfriend and I like to have another girlfriend. We have some experience but it seems to be next to impossible to find again. Every dating site, party, etc. it seems everyone is looking for the same! We are an attractive, fun and most importantly not crazy couple. Does anyone have any suggestions? Had any luck somewhere? I even tried to get into the polyamory scene and can't figure it out. Thanks.

Boy, I dunno. I guess the same way as you meet someone new normally? You never know what people are open to until you talk to them.

There's a reason they call that type of person a unicorn ;) Best of luck to you. All you can do is what willravel said.

Thanks for the comments. I so agree that this is a rare person to find. Further trouble is my boyfriend has had this situation several times in prior relationships, seemingly with no problem! He says I am not agressive enough but I hate to seem pervy. I dunno either... I guess I'll take Willravel's advice which is what I've (we've) been doing.

It's been a little while so I don't know how this site measures up now, but Swingers personals, swinger chat, adult profiles - Swappernet.com. I don't believe it's all just couples looking for couples.

edit - wait - am I spamming here?

You're trying too hard. We found our unicorn when we quit looking.

Heh, mystical creatures! So, wait... lemme get this straight: If they call an unattached female that is willing to participate in a MFF threesome a "unicorn," does that make an unattached guy that's willing to participate in a MMF threesome an ogre?

Nope, a Centaur! Half man, half stud ;)

We found our playmates at an erotic chat - but we did spend quite some time to get to know each other well before meeting up.

I mean, when it comes to threesome, like most men I find the idea disgusting when it comes to two men and one woman, and quite delightful when it comes to two women and one man.

I suspect most hetrosexual women (and from my limited research I have confirmed it) have opposite feelings.

I know in pornography you see a lot of it, but my suspicion is that while it may happen in real life, it is quite rare.

I've always wondered why the "default" threesome is considered "MFF." I always viewd "MFM" as a bit more reasonable in terms of logistics and practicality.

But maybe its the emotional aspect that gets in the way. *Shrug*

Default threesomes in my mind are two males and a female. Not that it matters. I've never participated in one.

I see nothing reasonable about MFM

I think it is absolutely disgusting. In terms of practicality

1 - I think it is impossible to get an erection in the presence of another nude man
2 - If you have any feelings for the F in the middle, you are likely to want to beat up the M

Chacun à son gout.

I think it would be rather easy to get an erection in the presence of another man in the right context. It's only natural, after all. Competition and all that. ;)

Anyway, let's not get off track with this thread. Maybe this deserves its own.

If there's room for jealousy, you shouldn't be having a threesome, anyhow...

I've just come to realize that anyone who has a problem with threesomes generally just have a selfish view on relationships.

You are your own person right?
you're your own boss.
You choose who you're willing to enter a relationship with
You choose who you're willing to sleep with.


that's as far as your control over the situation goes.

She may choose to be with you as well.


the problem is that just because she did, doesn't mean anything, doesn't imply ownership, doesn't mean she's yours

even if you're "serious" and even if you love each other and have been together for years.

but then again I don't believe in love, just the chemical equivalence released in your brain that has about a 4 year lifespan. If your bond is strong enough by then, it's probably based on habit or intense friendship, but it's not the euphoria and excitement that "love" encompasses.

Me? i'm just thankful for each encounter, like a one time transaction of mutual approval. if it happens again, great. if not? well, i'll live.

I think it makes ME a better person if I help indulge a person in whatever fantasy they have, we only live once, and it makes me a better partner for relationships to be the open minded one. I know I'd be appreciative if I had a woman go out of her way to accommodate my fantasies.

People tend to focus on the destination and not the journey when they're having their relationships n such ;p Not for me.

Homophobia much?

This is why you're not a swinger, to close minded sexually.

Everything would be about you and your pleasure, not your SO's.

Rather than allowing Strange_Famous to turn this into yet another thread about his peculiar worldview, let's try and get back to the OP.

maykim: welcome to TFP by the way :)

Indeed, this isn't even just about a sexual threesome, it's about a romantic relationship between three people.

maykim, if you were single and were approached by a couple that was open to a third partner, what would you want from them? What would make you feel safe and appreciated? Where/how do you think they might happen to come across you? What would you want to bring to the triple?

That is a catch!
I am a guy, and personally I cant in that situation I cant offer the company! This answers a lot of questions :)

Giant Threadjack:

Or, dunno, maybe they desire a mathematically-balanced situation with less moving (read: superfluous) parts so they can enjoy their time. When did practicality become a real buzzkill? Is choosing to have one child and not two selfish? What about jobs? They're all valid examples of not wanting to complicate your life with extraneous bullshit and drama for the sake of busting a nut (physically or otherwise), the single most selfish activity that one can engage in these days given our silver spoon TeeVee casualty lives.

To suggest that someone that doesn't want a threesome (or any sexual whathow) is selfish is incredibly amusing given the painfully cliche male fantasy of getting sandwiched between two pairs of sweaty tits, no? Honestly, I don't see how it is selfish to get into a relationship and be all, "Hey, is it cool if we're exclusive?" Between dick-rotting STDs, child support, lawsuits, crazy stalkers... it's a pretty legit practice. Threesomes are fun in pornos, cumbersome in real life... otherwise they'd be way more common and my ex wouldn't have objected so strongly to renting a turbo-mouthed Korean woman to give us both a happy ending for my last birthday.

I forget where he said it, but I think it was Manic Skafe addressed the "fantasy works best as fantasy" thing once... maybe in 2007. Just because we can do something, doesn't mean we need to or should... like snorting coke off J.Lo's ass or swimming through fist-sized coins like Scrooge McDuck or opening a stubborn door with an AT4... it's okay to have fantasies but sometimes you just can't live 'em out. Sometimes its better that we can't live them out. It keeps us from being whiny bitches. What did the Rolling Stones say about not getting what you want?

And maybe we don't "own" our partner, but it's an agreement that requires discussion and has a definite floor. All this free love my-own-island swinger hoopla is a tiny percentage out there. Somebody please dig up statistics that show otherwise and make me look like a dumbass. Please.

If everybody is "I'm for the other person" 100% then nobody gets what they really want. 50/50 is the way to go, it would seem. Life is full of compromises. Cue Rolling Stones. Hell, a significant portion of the suffering selfish male population is still trying to figure out a bargaining chip that will allow them into their girlfriend's alternate love canal, or as my good buddy Fugly delicately puts it, the pooper.

Easy to say, hard to practice. How many threesomes have you had, Shauk? As left field as StrangeFamous is, the bit about threesomes fucking up relationships has been proven in many cases. Few are above jealously and envy. Some call it selfish, some call it human nature. We're territorial for a reason.

...

My point from this garbage? Being selfish, like everything else, is good in moderation.

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I understand your points but I respectfully dissent. Perhaps I'm just another dinosaur.

inch vs mile dude....

I mean you can argue the logical reasons for 1v1 pairings if you want, that's what I get out of your post. I don't debate that it's logical, it is, it has merits, however, the social stigma on multiple partners borderlines on retardation at times. Yes there are valid points AGAINST multiple partners, but just saying, a serial monogamist with 10 1v1 relationships a year is probably just as respectable as a guy who gets himself in to 5 1v2's a year. A lot of the hostilities and anguish that people suffer from relationships seems like it could just be avoided if they just swallow the bitter pill of saying "it was never really 'mine' to lose anyway, just another experience that makes up my journey"

Strange to say, i've never had a threesome, i've been in situations with 4 people, and with 5 people (both counting myself) so thats to say, more than three. I didn't stray in to sampling the platter of the other participants because, like you said, the risks involved didn't appeal to me.

That said, engaging in either MMF or MFF would require me to trust the third party a lot, it wouldn't have anything to do with jealousy or "oh shit it's another dude" for me to reject the idea outright.

To break it down to the science.
Yeah we're "territorial" for a reason, it doesn't mean it's a good reason, it's just all that chemical voodoo. I'm sure we all love to think we're in control of our perceptions of reality, but when your brain is pumping phenylethylalamine causing a chain reaction of serotonin, dopamine and all that other feel goodness in to your system, you're about as rational as a primitive. We're addicted to that chemical reaction, we resort to our withdrawals and crying and bullshit and possible violent outburst during our detox. (oh that bitch left me for the captain of the swim team! waah etc)


Threesomes for sex are different than Threesomes for love, for the former, it just takes a couple free spirited (and hopefully responsible) people, for the latter, move to Utah.

It's a tough spot you're in. If you just wanted sex, it's easy enough for you two to go out to a college bar, have you approach a hot girl, and see if she's interested. If you're up for a few tries, you might try it a few times and see if you find someone who's interested in making it a regular thing and see where it goes from there.
I would absolutely do any of those things if given the opportunity.

so anyway, pompous attitudes aside..

Me and the wife entertain women on a somewhat regular basis.. it's not an every weekend thing, but it's not once every 3 months either. Most of the time it is friends of ours. It seems that the harder you try, the harder you fail..

just go with the flow..

But you hadn't replied yet! :D

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*wank, wank* Newflash: Explaining how the internal combustion engine works doesn't do shit to help someone learn how to drive a car, brother. That and this sounds like something I'dve written in 2007. Ugh, what a bad year. I apologize.

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Just as respectable? Depends on the status of those XvX numbers, no? If our homeslice Gucci has 5 successful threesomes with his wife, we can suggest that he's a horny bastard but probably dedicated to his marriage. If Joe Snuffy has 5 threesomes with 10 strangers, he's just a horny bastard. I can respect both their choices assuming they use safer sex practices and offer to split the Chinese takeout costs.

And failure to take ownership of a relationship is the social equivalent of that tacky country song, "Jesus, Take the Wheel." You might not own the other person, but you own the relationship. You have vested interest in the joint project.

I figure we are what we do... and your philosophy here seems self-defeating and kinda... well... like something an acquiesce-ridden pussy would adopt. Unless you're just fucking strangers, of course... in which case it's hardly debatable as to the interests involved.

We don't own our partners, but we damn sure own our relationships. We all have expectations and rules. The line may lay on the ground at different distances for different people, but there is always a line that is set and can be crossed.

...

I know, right? I wanna pick a lock with a rocket launcher so bad. Sadly, this only proves my point.

Interesting turn this conversation has taken here.

From my somewhat unusual perspective, I'd say this: one thing human beings seem to be really good at is liking and wanting whatever it is they like and want, and then putting a lot of energy into justifying why that's the right thing to like and want. I'm not sure that's a real productive use of our time and energy, frankly. Why not just like and want what you like and want, and have that be that?

Not everyone wants sex or relationships with more than one partner. Fine by me. I'm very clear with everyone I talk to about my relationships that it's NOT for everyone, nor do I think it's better than monogamy. It's what works for us, but it definitely wouldn't work for everyone. It might well not work for MOST people. Fine!

What do you own in your relationship(s?), Ratbastid?

The whole nine yards, my friend. Er. Eighteen yards, in this case?

People think relationships are 50/50 things. I give my 50, you give your 50, we're good to go. Then when things don't work out, we figure out whose 50 didn't get provided, and they pay the child support.

That's crap. If you're going to have your relationship work, it's got to be 100/0. It's ALL mine to have it work, and NONE yours.

In particular, I have to be responsible for my own emotions and reactions. I don't have the luxury of being jealous. Not that I might not get jealous, I just don't get to indulge in it or make it anyone else's problem. Part of what this relationship structure requires is the willingness (not the ability--we all have the ability, but we might not pony up the willingness) to move through jealousy quickly and have it stay as MY emotion, not something someone else DID to me.

And they don't have to be that. I don't require any particular level of enlightenment to be in a relationship with me. They can be however they are. And it's my job to let them be okay however they are, having whatever experience they're having.

Well put.

ideal...
just that I am not an idealist
wish I can be...

What I said above is EXTREMELY real-world. Nothing impossibly ideal about it.

It just takes work, and not everyone is willing to do that work.

For his 30th birthday, one of my friends is taking friends on the trip to Cambodia shooting range where you can shoot a rocket launcher at a cow for $400US
Blowing up cows with rocket launchers - Siem Reap, Cambodia Travel Blog
But I don't think we should derail the thread in that direction.

I've found myself as the rare single girl in a couple of threesomes. only ever FFM, MMF or MFM (is it that same thing) is just wrong. two guys naked in the same room is wrong wrong wrong, don't get me wrong, I dont have anything agenist gay men I just don't want to have anything to do with it. girl on girl is the only way to go and the addition of a guy can be great. it's so much fun having a guy just watch you and another girl make out, it's somewhat empowering.

ok...wait...who says the two men in a MMF are necessarily gay? I've had more mmf's than ffm (luckily Im married to a man thats not hung up about being around another guy naked) and none of the men involved were gay and not once has Dave wanted to beat up the other guy

The way people think really amazes me sometimes....

Seriously?? Really.. so.. I guess I'm gay because I had to shower with other males on the sports teams I played on right? When I go to the gym and other guys are showering that makes us all gay right?

That is one of the most homophobic and sexist statements I've seen around here in a while. MMF can be perfectly straight sex, any man who's been in a MMF knows that sometimes accidental contact occurs, but if you're focused on the woman, it doesn't really matter.

I can understand if MMF isn't your thing, but making the leap that 2 men in the same room naked is an automatic qualifier for being gay is just naive and sad.

It's only gay if your balls touch.

EDIT: That's a joke. Given the weird place this thread has gone, it's probably best to be explicit about that... ;)

see, I thought it was only gay if you made eye contact..

:shrug:

I'm so gay.

Source for your latest outrageous statistical claim?

Clearly, you've never seen what can happen on a bus full of Marching Band geeks doing their quick-change routine. But then, I forgot, all Band Geeks are fags anyway, right?

We're all well aware of your problems concerning violence and lack of impulse-control. Please refrain from projecting your unfortunate tendencies onto others.


As for the OP, I'm currently confronting a similar issue. My current playmate is extremely bisexual, and has approached me several times about asking another lady or gent to join us. I'm all for the lady, and I told her that I was OK with another dude so long as he and I got along, he didn't expect any kind of contact from me (I'm cool if hes bi, but I'm not even close), and treated her with respect.

Le Sigh.

I just saw this.

I've had to edit my response so many times to try and keep it on the level..

The simple fact here is that *YOU* find it disgusting, *YOU* can't get an erection in front of a man *YOU* would resort to violence.

There are multitudes of people out there who love watching their woman be pleasured and live out her fantasies. There are swingers who enjoy MFM more than MFF. It's all about what a person wants and enjoys. There's a reason that almost every swinger puts *drama free* on their wish list, it's because people like you who can't understand that sometimes there is a difference between sex and love and some people just want to have a good time. People like you, who can't control their emotions and resort to violence even if your lady is enjoying herself and having the time of her life.

This isn't all directed at you SF, but sometimes I just can't wrap my head around statements. As I've said before, if you don't like it, fine, if you do, fine.. but let's not sit here and make outrageous claims as facts. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.. I'm grumpy today and it's very well I could be taking your statement the wrong way, but add a little clarity for it's own sake. :)

Sorry. I clearly worded that badly. I just mean that I think i would find it really awkward to be in the same room as to naked guys.
And I guess I see a threesome as something which everyone equally gives and receives so the idea of two guys focusing only on one girl seems very odd.

I guess you've never seen porn.