The "I love her, damn it!" story - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Schwan · 07-06-2003, 06:56 AM

Nothing to do with sexuality as such, but still, similar issues seem to make their way to this forum.

Mind you, this is one of the “depressed teenager” kind of posts, though I’m not a teenager for some time anymore. Come to think of it, I feel like one. But that’s a good thing, right? Anyhow, on to the point.

You see, there’s this girl (Wow! How original! – ed.). Not only that, I’m madly in love with her, though the feeling’s not mutual. I’ve tried to come to grips with it over the last year and I came to a conclusion that true love this is, as Yoda would have said it. I have all the symptoms – the butterflies in stomach, I think about her all the time, that kind. I’d take a bullet for her if I had the chance to. Despite what people say, it’s not the sex, either – I don’t care about, I just crave her as a person. I want to be near her and do just about anything for her. So that’s the set up, more or less. I’ve tried everything I could come up with and now the time has come to ask the anonymous lot TFP for advice. I’m not co-dependant. I’m not. (Get on with it – ed.)

The thing is, I’ve known her for something like a year and a half. She had a boyfriend when I met her – an absolute wanker, a mistake, and she’s the first to admit it, whom she dumped soon after I’ve got to know her. Being a very shy person, I went to great lengths to actually tell her how I feel about her. It was terribly hard, but despite that I opened up and told her how I feel and all I got was this lousy t-shirt – i.e. she said no. Since I’m studying this kind of stuff, I decided to analyze her from a psychological point of view. The whole thing about this girl is that her denial towards me was very self-deprecating for her at the same time. She said that she’s not special in any way and doesn’t deserve to be the interest of so many people (she wasn’t popular in High School; it’s only during our University studies that she got very popular with great guys that tried to go out with her, and to all of them she said no. Unlike these guys, I’m much more persistent. We’re still friends, and I’ve tried twice after that and failed to attract her. She knows how I feel about her and yet she still wants to be friends and she still wants to see me from time to time.

Now, here’s the real kicker. In a month or so we’re (that’s me, her and a couple we know) going for a month long car trip. I’m still kind of surprised that she agreed, knowing that I’m the main perpetrator behind this idea, but that’s the whole thing about her – this is how she is. I guess this is a win or loose all moment for me – either I finally manage to, somehow, grab heart hart or I fail miserably and become frustrated for the rest of my live, just like that guy in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “Love in the Time of Cholera”. As for me, I’m nothing special – I’ve known guys much better then me who tried to go for her, some of them are my friends, but I’m not the worst, either. I read books, I look okay and I’m fighting shyness with success. I have friends, though I'm not very people nor experienced with ladies, for some reason. I’m also in love and I realize that it would be better for me and everyone involved if I wasn’t, but it’s just the kind of thing you can’t control.

So here’s the deal: what do you people think, do I stand a chance? What do the girls reading this forum think about her? She’s a beautiful girl who could have any guy, or certainly the best guys that I know of, yet she chooses to be single. She’s self-deprecating, though I can’t tell if this is a way to tell me off or if this is a genuine feeling. Mind you, it’s not that she’s up for one night stands and she’s not going for same sex relationships, either. She just… well, doesn’t get involved, ditto. She’s not beautiful, as in super model beautiful, just nice. Feels right, o to speak. How do you get around to getting a girl like that during a one month trip in the same car? Surely it’s a good idea for movie, now that I think of it.

cowudders14 · 07-06-2003, 10:07 AM

Two main points I can think of:
1) You've told all of us hoe you feel about her, but have you shown her how you feel about her? Have you actually gone out of your way to be nice to her without asking for anything in return, or have you done nice things as a prelude to asking her out? She may think you are only being nice to get her, and hence she's not interested - it sounds like she got hurt by this previous asswipe and she's afraid to make the same mistake again. Be really nice, but don't try to ask her out or bed her. Just show her what a great guy you are and how much you really would help her out.

2)Having said that, don't wrap her in cotton wool. My mate and his ex went together quite well, but he always used to insist on walking her home from everywhere, giving her lifts everywhere, and generally going a bit too OTT. She dumped him, saying she needed her own space and her own life back. I'm not saying that as a bad thing, just be careful how strongly you put across your willingness to help. Always offer, maybe saying "are you sure?", but if she says no, so be it - don't force your help on her or it will seem as if you going OTT to impress her, which will only make her think you simply want to bed her.

Lastly, good luck mate - I hope you get her!

Schwan · 07-06-2003, 10:16 AM

Quote:

1) You've told all of us hoe you feel about her, but have you shown her how you feel about her? Have you actually gone out of your way to be nice to her without asking for anything in return, or have you done nice things as a prelude to asking her out? She may think you are only being nice to get her, and hence she's not interested - it sounds like she got hurt by this previous asswipe and she's afraid to make the same mistake again. Be really nice, but don't try to ask her out or bed her. Just show her what a great guy you are and how much you really would help her out.

I’ve come to the same conclusions actually, and this is exactly how I’m playing it out. I have a long history of misinterpreting things, but if I’d have another go at it, I’d say that it’s actually working - she does consider me to be a nice guy and I help out whenever I can. I guess I can see how I could fark it all up with overdoing it, so I got that covered. Good points, though, so thanks!

Sleepyjack · 07-06-2003, 10:37 AM

yeah moderation, although even though you really should terat evryone equally, try to treat her a little more special without trying to patronise her or be excessive about it. Too much is never good. I guess i was just reiterating what cowudders14
said...
actions speak louder than words and consequently mean more. They also portray your intentions much more clearly. Love should be mutual and don't ever force anything on anyone, especially people you care about.
A month is a signifigant amount of time, and given there is another couple it should make things quite interesting. Just be yourself, by yourself, treat her nice and respectfully as possible. Make sure your intentions are honest and good, and if everything is in its right place hopefully something can happen. I imagine even though you like her so much, even being good friends would mean a lot to you. Overall be grateful to have someone like her in your life to share some experiences with and whatever else happens, will happen. I hope it all works out for you because love can be such a wonderful and beautiful thing.

as for your movie idea, all i am getting is some flashbacks of that horrid crossroads movie with britney. that was horrible.

07-06-2003, 06:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
Schwan A boy and his dog Location: EU!	The "I love her, damn it!" story Nothing to do with sexuality as such, but still, similar issues seem to make their way to this forum. Mind you, this is one of the “depressed teenager” kind of posts, though I’m not a teenager for some time anymore. Come to think of it, I feel like one. But that’s a good thing, right? Anyhow, on to the point. You see, there’s this girl (Wow! How original! – ed.). Not only that, I’m madly in love with her, though the feeling’s not mutual. I’ve tried to come to grips with it over the last year and I came to a conclusion that true love this is, as Yoda would have said it. I have all the symptoms – the butterflies in stomach, I think about her all the time, that kind. I’d take a bullet for her if I had the chance to. Despite what people say, it’s not the sex, either – I don’t care about, I just crave her as a person. I want to be near her and do just about anything for her. So that’s the set up, more or less. I’ve tried everything I could come up with and now the time has come to ask the anonymous lot TFP for advice. I’m not co-dependant. I’m not. (Get on with it – ed.) The thing is, I’ve known her for something like a year and a half. She had a boyfriend when I met her – an absolute wanker, a mistake, and she’s the first to admit it, whom she dumped soon after I’ve got to know her. Being a very shy person, I went to great lengths to actually tell her how I feel about her. It was terribly hard, but despite that I opened up and told her how I feel and all I got was this lousy t-shirt – i.e. she said no. Since I’m studying this kind of stuff, I decided to analyze her from a psychological point of view. The whole thing about this girl is that her denial towards me was very self-deprecating for her at the same time. She said that she’s not special in any way and doesn’t deserve to be the interest of so many people (she wasn’t popular in High School; it’s only during our University studies that she got very popular with great guys that tried to go out with her, and to all of them she said no. Unlike these guys, I’m much more persistent. We’re still friends, and I’ve tried twice after that and failed to attract her. She knows how I feel about her and yet she still wants to be friends and she still wants to see me from time to time. Now, here’s the real kicker. In a month or so we’re (that’s me, her and a couple we know) going for a month long car trip. I’m still kind of surprised that she agreed, knowing that I’m the main perpetrator behind this idea, but that’s the whole thing about her – this is how she is. I guess this is a win or loose all moment for me – either I finally manage to, somehow, grab heart hart or I fail miserably and become frustrated for the rest of my live, just like that guy in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “Love in the Time of Cholera”. As for me, I’m nothing special – I’ve known guys much better then me who tried to go for her, some of them are my friends, but I’m not the worst, either. I read books, I look okay and I’m fighting shyness with success. I have friends, though I'm not very people nor experienced with ladies, for some reason. I’m also in love and I realize that it would be better for me and everyone involved if I wasn’t, but it’s just the kind of thing you can’t control. So here’s the deal: what do you people think, do I stand a chance? What do the girls reading this forum think about her? She’s a beautiful girl who could have any guy, or certainly the best guys that I know of, yet she chooses to be single. She’s self-deprecating, though I can’t tell if this is a way to tell me off or if this is a genuine feeling. Mind you, it’s not that she’s up for one night stands and she’s not going for same sex relationships, either. She just… well, doesn’t get involved, ditto. She’s not beautiful, as in super model beautiful, just nice. Feels right, o to speak. How do you get around to getting a girl like that during a one month trip in the same car? Surely it’s a good idea for movie, now that I think of it.

07-06-2003, 10:07 AM	#2 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	Two main points I can think of: 1) You've told all of us hoe you feel about her, but have you <i> shown</i> her how you feel about her? Have you actually gone out of your way to be nice to her without asking for anything in return, or have you done nice things as a prelude to asking her out? She may think you are only being nice to get her, and hence she's not interested - it sounds like she got hurt by this previous asswipe and she's afraid to make the same mistake again. Be really nice, but don't try to ask her out or bed her. Just show her what a great guy you are and how much you really would help her out. 2)Having said that, don't wrap her in cotton wool. My mate and his ex went together quite well, but he always used to insist on walking her home from <i>everywhere</i>, giving her lifts <i>everywhere</i>, and generally going a bit too OTT. She dumped him, saying she needed her own space and her own life back. I'm not saying that as a bad thing, just be careful how strongly you put across your willingness to help. Always offer, maybe saying "are you sure?", but if she says no, so be it - don't force your help on her or it will seem as if you going OTT to impress her, which will only make her think you simply want to bed her. Lastly, good luck mate - I hope you get her!

07-06-2003, 10:37 AM	#4 (permalink)
Sleepyjack Fast'n'Bulbous Location: Australia, Perth	yeah moderation, although even though you really should terat evryone equally, try to treat her a little more special without trying to patronise her or be excessive about it. Too much is never good. I guess i was just reiterating what cowudders14 said... actions speak louder than words and consequently mean more. They also portray your intentions much more clearly. Love should be mutual and don't ever force anything on anyone, especially people you care about. A month is a signifigant amount of time, and given there is another couple it should make things quite interesting. Just be yourself, by yourself, treat her nice and respectfully as possible. Make sure your intentions are honest and good, and if everything is in its right place hopefully something can happen. I imagine even though you like her so much, even being good friends would mean a lot to you. Overall be grateful to have someone like her in your life to share some experiences with and whatever else happens, will happen. I hope it all works out for you because love can be such a wonderful and beautiful thing. as for your movie idea, all i am getting is some flashbacks of that horrid crossroads movie with britney. that was horrible.