Anyone here have to deal with a 'not so into it' partner?
 

Hi all!

Let me start off by saying I love my hubby lots, but our biggest problem has always been our sex life. I've always thought of guys as having a very healthy sexual appetite, but mine doesn't seem to have that lusty passionate side. Dont get me wrong, hes passionate when its happening and during foreplay, but not at other times (eg doesn't do/say anything lustful before or after). And forget pillow talk.

I just feel really frustrated and hoe-y having to constantly bring it up. He's not interested in counselling because he doesnt think anything is wrong. I've done lots of reading as to what to do to spice things up, but its all been an epic fail: he's got no fantasies, not into anything besides 'normal' lingerie, not into dirty talk etc etc.

If its important, he's more than happy with getting some once or twice a month. This is right from the beginning of our marriage (we've only been married a bit over a year). I don't know what more to do; the only solution i'm coming up with now is finding ways to reduce my sex drive and sticking with his 1-2 times a month :(

Communicaton'd. Have you relayed to him how important it is for you? He might not be down for snarlin', but he should help out.

Turns out sex isn't always about the "us" bit; sometimes it's about the "me" and your partner should recognize that fact.

Usually the problem is guys not getting enough random oral from their girlfriends on the couch, but this fits the same equation.

...

I've had to deal with "prudish" (perhaps not the correct word for the OP here) partners before. They were big fans of missionary.

Without spice, even something as mondo gnarly rad as sex can get rather boring. Sexual satisfaction is both quality and quantity.

This is one of those things that you should have been aware of before you got married, unless there was a change in behavior by one or both of you.

Regardless, this is where you are at at this point, a year into the marriage. If you want it to succeed, you will both have to compromise, and neither one of you will probably get 100% of what you expect. He will have to break out of his shell a bit, compromising his comfort zone, and you may not get all the adventurous sex you want. Is it enough to damage the relationship?

Cromp and Fugly said it...

I've said it twice tonight...

Communication and Compromise.

The key to any relationship issue.
_______

When I first started a sexual relationship with Jen, she was pretty reserved. It was a problem for me. I love the girl, but I can't deal with boring sex. I talked to her about it, made my needs clear, found out what her needs were, and turns out she didn't like how reserved she was either, but she couldn't just jump into all the things I like. I had to take it slow and allow her to get comfortable with coming out of her shell. We still try new things all the time. Some things end in great success, a lot of things (some of which being things I really enjoy) she just can't do.

Point is, she's trying to be more adventurous for me, and I'm willing to give up some things for her. That's how relationships work.

Thanks for the responses guys. I've communicated with my partner a lot time and time again, he acknowledges what i say and says he'll try more. Conversation ends with me feeling we've finally made some progress, but before you know it things are back to the way they were. He always throws in my face that 'not all people are the same', and that just because 'statistically' we may be less sexually active than others, all that matters is that we're happy. I've told him that its him thats happy, not 'we'.

I feel the compromise is coming from my part, and he's told me that if i'm in the mood, then i should do something about it. The problem is when i do, he'll put his foot in his mouth and wreck it and it'll turn me off initiating ever again. I dont have freaky sex fetishes, i'd just like it to be more frequent and not boring.

Urgh, maybe i should just take up gardening or something!

Could it be medical? How old are the both of you?

Pretty young, im 24 and he's 26. Should I start buying potting mix?

Could be stress, could be medicine, could be slight depression, could be any number of things.

What's important I suppose is: is this a change from his behaviour before?
And how are you on communication your problem with his behaviour, and listening to any of his problems?

And finally, compromise will likely factor in here as well.


edit: and I think the quotes in the title should really be around the word deal instead of prudish.

He only want's it twice a month?

For a 26 year old male that's an incredibly low sex drive. What is his health and fitness like?

Like Nisses said, there can be a number of reasons, but a very low sex drive is a good indicator that something is up.

I can tell you from first hand experience that poor mental and/or physical health, medication, or drugs can completely kill sex drive for most guys.

I'd be interested in what sexual activities he DOES enjoy with you, when he wants it. Is there anything more than just vanilla intercourse that he wants? You might be able to entice him with appeals to what he feels is a bit on the "wild" side. But I doubt it.

I will throw out something no one else seems to have considered or wanted to suggest, because it happened to a friend of ours who had somewhat the same problem... is there any possibility he is gay?

two questions....

how long have you been marrried?

have you considered that he may be cheating on you?

Hi again,

Nope he's not on any medication and he doesn't have depression or any other mental problems. There's no change in his behaviour, he's had a low sex drive for as long as i've known him. We're very good communicators, so we've both done our fair share of expressing and listening. His response: its all fine and i need to realise theres more to life than sex (which i'm well aware of lol). I'm no sex maniac, but i'd like it on at least a weekly basis! Touche on the quotes ;)

I've been thinking that that's quite a low sex drive for a relatively young guy as well!'

Nope, he wants just vanilla. He likes lingerie as much as the next guy, but I feel like I shouldn't have to put it on constantly just to get some? I'd be willing to, but it seems a little unfair for me to put in effort while he does jack? Oh, and no there's no chance he's gay. He definitely likes women.

We've been married 15 months now. He's not cheating, when i was insecure i had all these doubts in my head but i know he isn't. He has a low sex drive and I just need to figure out if I can improve it, or whether i'm the cause of it :sad:

This is the biggest self esteem killer, i might listen to some angry music! :dead:

In your reading have you come across a book titled "The Sex Starved Marriage." ?
I've read it, and it may be of interest to you.

Here's the authors website. Marriage Sex Problems Quiz - Is Your Marriage Sex-Starved?

You can read the first chapter here. Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage - First Chapter of Sex-Starved Marriage

A Sample paragraph...

"Contrary to what you might be thinking, saying a marriage is sex-starved tells you virtually nothing about how much or how little sex a couple is actually having. It's not just about sexless couples who have slept in separate bedrooms for years. In fact, it includes couples who, according to national surveys have an "average" amount of sex each month. It's not about numbers. Since, unlike vitamins, there are no recommended daily requirements to insure a healthy sex life, a sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his/her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed. The resulting disintegration of the relationship encapsulates the real meaning of a sex-starved marriage."

What is his self-esteem like?

I was married for 12 years to a woman with a much lower sex drive than mine, and part of her reluctance was her own self concept. She just didn't see herself as sexy, even though I did my best to convey to her that I found her sexy. My opinion wasn't enough though.

Is he overweight, easily tired, etc.? This can be a real passion killer for men.

Does he have religious issues, etc. My first wife had serious hangups about how a woman is supposed to act, based on her religious convictions. Even after mutual counseling sessions, she could not bring herself to open up in our own bed and play a more active role in helping to spice up our sex life. She told me that sex should not be so important to me. But that is not how relationships work, as previously noted. My ex-wife also tried to guilt me into wanting less sex and that doesn't work either.

You might need to realize that you cannot change him. But he does need to make a decision to fulfill your needs. If you can't come to that type of a mutually-acceptable agreement, you might have to face the reality that you are going to have this issue throughout your marriage. At least, that was how it was in my experience.

Finally, as difficult as this situation is, you can't let your own self-esteem be pulled down by this. I know that it is hard to overcome those feelings, especially when you want to play and the other person is indifferent. But his issue with having a low sex drive doesn't mean that you are less-than in any way.

No, but you could become a comedian. That was funny.

I don't remember posting this, but it sure reads like I wrote it...

I suppose I can sort of sympathise with the guy's perspective.

Although ideally I like to have relations 2 or 3 times a day, once for breakfast, once after tea and once at bedtime - Im not really into kinky thing like anal sex or dressing as a fireman, or being spanked etc. I probably would go along with some things (or do my best) if my girl was really into it, but probably half heartedly.

I think if you have a radically different sex drive to the person your with - it can be a big problem. Both of you might try to change themselves for the others sake, but you cant really change your sexual feelings in my opinion and it can lead to resentment. I dont mean to be negative - and other things in a relationship can be very worthwhile, but the physical side of things is a big thing to sacrifice.

edit

- I should make myself clearer, that I wasnt suggesting those kind of kinky things are the sort of thing youre into. But I can imagine someone like myself with a medium and plain sex drive, how I would feel if I had a partner who was very kinky and for example wanted to screw in car parks while people filmed it on their cell phones I would feel intimidated, unmanly that I wasnt up to such things, somewhat bemused...

Like the other guy I said, I guess you have to come to an understanding and hope its ok for both of you, or live with this issue. It isnt a positive thing to say I guess.

Did you guys try any Extenze, Viagra, or any other libido boosting pill that can be prescribed by a doc.

This is something I deal with as well. I'm a freak in bed. She is not. On a good month we have sex once a week, usually on sunday. On a regular month we skip a week or two. She is not into dirty talk, letting loose, oral (maybe once or twice recently) or general kink. She has a great time, but it's not kinky time.

As for me, shoot. I'm up for anything. She loves it when I lavish her with kisses and affection, but she doesn't really know how to reciprocate.

Still, I love her to death and I relieve my tensions in the shower daily, so it's not all bad. We do have lots of fun together even after almost 16 years of being together. You either compromise or you don't. I don't regret the compromises I've made.

Thanks for the heads up!

His self esteem is fine, he's not overweight and religion doesn't affect his bedroom habits. He's just... indifferent, and in many ways i find it more frustrating than if it WERE because of health or religious issues. At least then i know what to tackle.

Yeah my self esteem has taken a big hit. I was used to never having problems with boys, and my hubby is usually indifferent. It makes me sadder when I see that I can still get the boys' attention and they get disappointed when i tell them i'm married and they make comments about how lucky he is, and I think "yeah tell him that". But even if a guy has a low sex drive, wouldn't he be all over a girl he's interested in? I'm starting to accept that maybe he's just not interested in me :(

Hahaha I'm glad someone appreciated my joke! Thank you thank you, i'm here till thursday!


---------- Post added at 10:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:42 AM ----------

Yeah I understand what you're saying. I'm just trying to understand HIS libido because i find it hard to believe a guy in his twenties only wants it a couple of times a month and everything is 'normal'. I want to bring this up along with potential solutions and him not brush it off.

Thats the problem with this issue, I cant mention it without him getting defensive and on edge. I understand that its one of those 'ego' topics for guys, but its something I need to get him to discuss without getting into attack mode. Any tips on how to do this?

Tried mentioning it, he said hell will freeze over before he takes any medication (because like I said, he reckons 'everything is fine' grrrr)

Yeah that sounds like my partner in some ways! I'd be ok if I was in this situation a decade from now, but isn't the beginning supposed to be all "cant keep your hands off each other"? Thats one of the things that I really resent, the fact that I never got that 'honeymoon phase' :sad:

Oh and I dont relieve my tensions in the shower daily :lol:

I rarely post, still mostly lurking through Kramus' account (I am his oft referred to Lady), but felt compelled to provide input on this topic.

You are describing my situation with the man who is now my ex. He was also both very vanilla and very inhibited sexually. Even in our early 20's, his desire for sex was weekly at most, then declined to monthly in our early 30's and eventually to at most yearly in our late 30's. I tried all sorts of things, taking stripping classes, dressing up, erotica, etc. - he similarly appeared to have no fantasies, couldn't engage in dirty talk, was even uncomfortable receiving oral from me. It did make me feel utterly undesirable and unfulfilled, we talked about it ad nauseum, he would try harder for a bit and then things just reverted. Most people I knew were shocked that it was the man in the relationship who wasn't interested in sex. He always attributed it to differences in our sex drives, but he did masturbate a few times a week - he always hid it from me (despite my suggestion of mutual masturbation or letting me assist him) but I would discover him masturbating and that would always lead to another frustrating "talk" and he would promise to stop masturbating to increase his sex drive, and then things would revert.

I did manage to talk him into going to a sex therapist eventually, but in the end he really couldn't articulate what the problem was. Didn't help that the therapist suggested to him that his preference for masturbation over sex because it was just quicker to get off that way was an act of selfishness. I eventually gave up, focused on other parts of our relationship, particularly our 2 kids (who were essentially immaculately conceived), and everyone around us saw us as the most happily married couple they knew. We never argued, shared goals and interests in life - the perfect, passionless friends through a 19 year marriage.

Until the day he had an epiphany and announced "I don't love you and I need to leave while I still have enough time to find love". I've since done a lot of reading and thinking about love. Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love resonates with me - Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. Consummate love requires a tripod of intimacy, passion and commitment. The structure is unstable if any of the legs are missing. Without passion, intimacy and commitment alone is described as Companionate love and eventually, this leads to erosion of intimacy (Empty Love) and then commitment (Non Love).

I never found a solution for myself and so I don't have one to suggest to you - just thoughts for consideration. With the benefit of hindsight, I think my ex and I were good friends who never in fact had any chemistry and that really was the source of the problem. In fact, only since meeting Kramus have I learned that I'm not actually gay. I wanted sex because I was young and horny, but the truth was I was about as sexually attracted to my ex as I was to woman, and so I always wondered about my orientation. Chalk my not understanding that up to lack of experience. Who knew chemistry was a real thing? I'm just glad I know it now with Kramus (who is almost always good to go, often multiple times a day :thumbsup:). So despite the shock and pain of the end of my marriage, I think in the end my ex did me a favour.

However it happens, hope you're able to get some favours soon.

It's fascinating to see the much different responses due to the one wanting more sex being female.

And by fascinating, I mean it makes me hope there are lots of people refraining from comment that don't have such wildly different views based on the gender of the one wanting more or less sex.

This is complicated, because you say you are in love with each other. And only just married really.

But it is also simple.

You have tried toning it down. But you feel unhappy. And angry.

You have tried communicating with him, but he doesn't seem to think there is a problem. To him, everything is working fine. When you discuss it, he's really only humouring you.

A relationship can never work if it is one sided.

Either he realizes this is a potential dealbreaker or he just continues as is.

It sucks to say this because you guys are married and want to stay committed to each other.

I don't see a solution. The only solutions realistically are:

1) Stay with him. Become more and more frustrated, angry and unhappy. I seriously doubt he is going to change anything. Are you changing to accommodate his vanilla tastes? In your heart, it's something forced. Well, it would be the same for him to go for kinky sex, and more of it.

2) Leave him. Find someone who is on the same wavelength as you. Next time you know this topic can't be brushed aside, and should be handled right at the start.

This may not seem like a helpful post but it really is how bluntly I see your situation.

he's 26 with a low sex drive and wants plain vanilla sex. May be you should reconsider that maybe he is gay

Hi again everyone,

Took everyone's advice on board and had a long conversation with hubby. I wont bore you with all the tiny details, but the jist of it is there are a lot of things I wasn't aware of that I am now:

- He agrees that its not often enough
- He's taken it seriously on board, realises its an issue
- He agrees its too vanilla
- He's let me know what stuff he likes
- He's let me know of things that i've said/done that've hurt his self-esteem without my realising
- He's let me know that he'd like it if I initiated more, and would never shut me done (fear of mine)

So basically we've come up with a pretty good solutions. Its been a real eye-opener for me because in some ways i'm just as guility as him. I think there were some things that we didn't know about each other that were affecting our physical relatiionship, and its finally come out. I know he loves me heaps, and he an amazing guy and I'm so blessed to have someone like him. Our only issue has been sex, and i think it'll be ok from now on because of the acknowledgement and honesty that's finally come out. Hooray! :D

Communication and arriving at a mutually-acceptable arrangement...it works!

Happy for you...both of you...

:thumbsup:

Please come back here and post if you read this book. I'd be interested in hearing what you thought of it.

Thanks

Glad to see things worked out well for you. I have a similiar problem, but with my wife instead. It's not that she doesn't like to have sex, she just thinks a lot of things are taboo. For instance toys in bed are a big no no. She has no idea what she is missing.

I guess I have been on both sides of the prudish issue. My wife was a virgin when we married and did not even masturbate. It was some time before she had her first orgasm.

Early on it was just the basics. Only one position and no variety. It just took time to work through that. She was also stressed the first few years of marriage since it was the first time away from home.

A couple years later when I was in my mid 20's. I was under a lot of stress in my first real job. My wife started opening up, but my drive dropped off.

The long and short is I have found that stress levels can also have a big impact on your sex drive. This could be a contributing factor. I ended up quitting the stressful job when I was snapping at my wife and baby.

Dan Savage mentioned this a few weeks ago. A gay guy can close his eyes and fantasize about whatever he wants when he's getting head or fucking you. Demand that he at least try going down on you and you'll be sure.

Haha yes it can. In my case I get do-anything-to-get-off crazy horny. Sometimes I jerk 4 times a day when I'm stressed (if I'm not working) or get real wild in the fantasy dept. Hell 2 days ago I jerked 4 times in 24 hours. I needed that. Tonight at work took away that little afterglow :grumpy:

Vigilante,

I think you have self love/ gratification issues!! :thumbsup:

Finding a partner with a sex appetite (quantity and quality) is totally important.

Unfortunately, that means fucking every boring limp fish partner to find out.

Communication?

Please. I've been accused of being terrible at "communication", however, I've never been accused of not being into sex. For me, sex has always been the EASY part of a relationship. It's the rest of the shit that I have a hard time with.

Anyway, the the original poster.....

LEAVE HIM NOW.

It's not going to get any better.

You either accept this as your lot in life, or you get the hell out sooner rather than later. You don't want to stick this out for 10 or 20 years. You only get one lifetime. You're only 24 (what the hell are you doing getting married at 24 for??) you will find someone else. Fuck what other people have to say about it - they're not in your shoes.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. People don't really change (as per Madli). They are like elastics - they stretch a bit, but then they go back to their original shape sooner or later.

You could send him to all the shrinks in the world, all the counsillors, nothing will end up chanaging, and ask yourself, is this really something you should be forcing anyway? It's not like you're trying to convince him to quit smoking or give up McDonalds.

What usually ends up happening in my experience is that people polarize. (And I'm speaking from experience here.) You will only get hornier and more frustrated and he will only avoid it even more.

Get out now.

Haha! Yes, one does what they must to cope with life, right? :lol:

Sex is my drug of choice. It's natural, it's fun and like eating, it satisfies deep instinctual needs and desires.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!!