Anonymous Member

I'm a male in a stable long-term relationship. Things are generally good, but I am an introvert and have some difficulty expressing my feelings, desires, and needs. I've been working on this and have been improving, but I have other challenges ahead.

I've had bad relationships in the past. Generally speaking, I've developed as a passive male, who'd sooner turtle up and do without than go after what I really want. I've come to expect things to happen and for people to come to me.

I have gotten to the point where I know what's going on, but I need advice and practical tips on how to work on this. My whole life, I've never really pursued women, and so I don't really know how to do it, and my confidence in doing so is low. I guess you could say I'm not really good with women, romantically speaking. Though I will say that the sex act itself--however uninspired--at least yields satisfactory results.

One problem I'd like to work on is initiating sex. In most cases, sex is initiated by my partner. It is usually done so by subtle hints that will develop into something more, and it's usually pretty conventional. Otherwise, the best I can do with initiating is to convince my partner to receive a footrub and back massage from me, which invariably can lead to sex. I suppose I could just use this technique, but I'd prefer not to be so limited and predictable. Using it so much makes it seem almost underhanded, as though I've tricked her into wanting sex just by me subtly pressing her buttons.

I want to know how men generally initiate sex. I want the details. On the web, there is much written on how women can do it. It's as though it's popular to empower women to do something so rare for them to do, and yet to me it isn't rare at all. On the flip side, it's as though men initiating sex is such a given that there needn't be anything written about it. If it were so natural, then why am I so inept at figuring it out? Maybe I'm just too shy.

What do men do to initiate sex? What do they say? What is the body language? What are the situations? How do they read women? What is cheesy and to avoid? What is rare and yet powerful? What do women want men to do? What's sexy? How much planning is there vs. spontaneity? What do women want men to do?

Help. I need to work on my "manliness," as much as that may sound lame. I don't want to taken seriously, and I don't want it to appear I'm trying too hard. I just want to get to a point where I can confidently let my partner know I want to make love to her--if not then and there, then at least sometime in the near future, as I realize spontaneous sex isn't always ideal.

Thanks for your help in advance.

Punk.of.Ages

I'm always pretty straightforward. I just say, "Let's go do it.", push her on the bed, or start playing Find the Hole...

If she doesn't feel like it, she'll say no.

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Willravel

I put my penis in her vagina. Repeatedly.

But seriously, it's generally something simple like pre-foreplay. Start giving a massage, start kissing, etc., etc.

Shauk

its easy if you've been intimate previously.

just come up behind her when she's doin something, stick your face in her neck, tell her she smells good, give her a bite, a pinch, something, if she's in a decent mood she would at least smile, then you can kinda rub up against her & make all sorts of fun bodily contact.

Strange Famous

Before I fucked my back up earlier in the week and thus can barely walk (and couldnt leave bed for three days) - I just pretty much would say it... like "I want to fuck right now", but I suppose I only say those things when I pick up on the moment and the mood. I wouldnt say it straight out the blue I suppose. Otherwise just start, you know, touching and kissing, and see how it goes.

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Bear Cub

I sneak up behind her and put a plastic bag over her head.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

ManWithAPlan

OP, you are talking about initiating with your woman, yes? Not someone new? (Sorry, I'm a little slow right now).

The two are very different, and I actually share your problem in the "new" case, but if it's someone with whom you've already been intimate, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about approaching it in any sort of way, within reason of course. My point is, if sex is already on the table, then the worst that will happen is "I'm not in the mood", and you can work from there on either accepting that or getting her in the mood with a massage.

Additionally, find how she likes to be touched? Is there one spot that really just gets her off? I've noticed that at least some women (that is to say, haven't seen an example to the contrary) don't necessarily care about originality, but care about their one primary "fetish" being satisfied. I can't find a better word than fetish, but what I mean is, if she likes to get one part of her neck sucked, or if there's one spot on her thigh... Hope that makes sense my friend

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DeathRowMarv

Anonymous, I've been married for nearly 15 years and I have the same issue. In the beginning, when libidos were HIGH, a wink and a nod was all it took to start an evening/day/weekend of bedroom fun. As time went on, my (I assume) clumsy attempts to initiate sex were called out. She wanted/wants more "romance", and we have different ideas of what that is. At this point in our relationship, every time I try backrubs, kissing, touching, she immediately says something to the effect of "you want to have sex, don't you?" and that REALLY puts me off. In addition, after a full week of work, I'm tired; it's easier for me to just let her initiate.

However, this is not a completely dark post: we DO have a good amount of sex and it's always spectacular. I just have to put up with the occasional, "you never initiate sex" complaints.

I'm monitoring this thread and I'm looking for answers.

Daniel_

We have a code.

If I want sex, I touch my penis on her hand.

If she wants sex, she pulls it once.

If she doesn't want sex she pulls it 436 times.

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And deep beneath the rolling waves,
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The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
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LoganSnake

Start touching the no-no parts. Kissing.

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SabrinaFair

My fellow kisses me and starts touching me in the naughty places. Or else comes right out and asks me, as he did the other day when he wanted to cash in on a promised blowjob. :-)

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ring

He says to me:
"C'mere."

thespian86

I laughed pretty profusely after reading this one.

As for my advice? I usually intiate in three distinct ways:

1. I begin with a small romantic kiss. Maybe hold it longer; passion and such. Let that build. If she pulls away after a little bit - I don't know, eight or ten kisses in - that indicates to me she's not really in the mood. Sometimes I change that because I really am in the mood - I confess she is constantly in the mood; it rocks - or I just let it go.

2. I begin with small touches. Like putting my hand on the inside of her thigh. Rub a bit, or scratch lightly after a while. Really slowly to make it build. Move it to her arm, which will get her moving. So on, so forth. That way has never not gotten me laid in the relationship I'm in currently; it rocks.

3. I just go for it. Pull her close and make out with her; feel around passionately as you do so. Tada; 30 mins later you're panting and laughing while you cuddle.

yeah. I love to cuddle. deal with it.

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Plan9

It's all about context and body language. Is the the right time/place and are you throwing up the right "Heeeey, how yoooou doin'?" signals?

If I'm in a relationship with a female-type womangirl and we've been engaging in the carnal delight that is the hoocha-hoocha badger dance on a regular basis... subtle signaling is all that is required. Touching of sexual areas is usually how it is starts. You'll be flopped on the couch and the credits to Die Hard will be rolling... you look at her, she looks at you... you run a finger down her sternum and over her stomach... that's usually all that needs to be done. Follow that up with some kisses, tug on her earlobe gently with your teeth and badabing badaboom. You could resort to a verbal request but that's hardly necessary if you're both comfortable with each other. I haven't had to bust out "So, you feel like doin' the seckz, pretty thing?" too often recently.

I don't have any genitalia, but I believe that women are all about how you build up to things. Foreplay isn't a chapter in Sex, it is its own book.

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"You should not drink... and bake."

beavstrokinoff

Usually I rub her feet with my feet. If she's vnto it she rubs back & it's on. But then I've been married for 16 years and with her for 2 prior so it pretty easy. Somtimes I just say, " Hey, take off your clothes."

World's King

Drug her.

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Giant Hamburger

Like WK, I release powerful and intoxicating sex pheromone that renders me irresistible.
Sometimes I exude an alarm or food trail pheromone by mistake, but that is rare.
It's all about controlled hypothalamic manipulation.

World's King

That's almost what I meant...

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Giant Hamburger

We are almost like twin brothers!

Willravel

If someone were to bottle this pheromone, what would it be called?

World's King

Mustard.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

thirdsun

Throw her on the bed face down and rip her panties off (if she's wearing any). She'll get the hint.

Seriously, it's all about foreplay. Foreplay starts from the time you get OUT of bed with her and lasts until you her back INTO bed.

And yes, foreplay is highly dependent upon the individuals in the relationship.

For me and my SO, the aforementioned method (throwing her on the bed) actually is the *last* step in our foreplay process (if I've done the preliminary things properly). And it's only ONE of my methods of initiating. My SO tends to like the more dominate and dominating forms of initiating, so I can, in essence, get away with this because of our relationship dynamics. But leading up to that, there is always communication (of the listening variety), cuddling, sweet-talk, doing things for her, complimenting her, helping her with household stuff, etc. Non-sexually related and sexually related giving her attention and care.

Basically, you've got to communicate with your SO and find out what, for her, constitutes foreplay and then focus on giving her the proper amount of attention and foreplay she desires. And foreplay can take many forms (which are too numerous to get into here...any way, it's what matters to *her*).

little_tippler

I think when two people care about each other and trust each other, and also feel physically attracted to each other, that initiating sex should just come naturally.

It shouldn't be contrived, where you're thinking, I want sex, so I'm going to do x. When people want each other that way, it just follows more or less naturally.

I'm not sure I could pinpoint specific things guys might do...perhaps one of the clearer advances might be to stroke her breast, or pat her bottom, through her clothes...if you're lying down, wrap your legs in hers and thrust a little...kiss her neck or bite it a little more purposefully...all these are harmless and if she's not in the mood she'll just let it fizzle out. If she is, she will likely reciprocate and it's on! Sometimes, a lustful look is all it takes.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

mixedmedia

wow, your SO must be really lucky...

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snowy

We have various codes. Sometimes he'll start wrestling with me, too. Or else he'll grab my boobs. It all works for me, but it might not work for your SO. Why not ask her how she would like you to initialize sex? What turns her on?

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kutulu

I find that a mix of alcohol and roofies works best for me.

cdwonderful

pull out a $20 and throw it on the bed........

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lostgirl

This works for me.

LT has some good advice as well.

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levite

Usually I say to her, "Can we go have sex now?"

She likes a direct approach.

It works for me, because she's very randy, and seldom says "no."

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Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
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Milnoc

Here's a lesson for you.

hrandani

You're over intellectualizing this mate.

Just grab a titty and grind on that ass.

Maybe gently kiss the neck while you're at it. Actually if you're beta male, better ravish the neck instead.

If you're horny don't let her know, let her feel. Keeping in mind this is in no way analagous to rape, which is probably what keeps you from doing this in the first place, let your primal instinct take over as you rail her against the wall. And if she makes you feel guilty or dirty, you dump that ho and find someone who doesn't have problems with basic human needs. If she really loves you, and she doesn't have issues, she'll love it.

Bear Cub

Bear Cub wasn't joking.

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Plan9

You know what that got me last time 'round? 45 days of celibacy.

Hey, turns out women don't like to be treated like "sexual objects."

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

mixedmedia

That completely depends on who is doing the grinding to whom. There's this little thing called communication that can usually sort these things out up front.

Trouble with hrandani's perspective is he seems to view it as some sort of entitlement and he ought to be spanked.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Tully Mars

At our core we're all sexual objects (beings.) Treating each other as such isn't always bad... rather enjoyable I'd say.

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Milnoc

Hey! Any excuse to post a Monty Python clip is a good one!

Plan9

Oh yeah... the part where they reveal infidelity and/or I'm Just Not That Into You.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

mixedmedia

are you trying to make me cry?

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Plan9

Are you trying to make me laugh?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

mixedmedia

ooh, so hardcore, yet witty...nice work.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce