Cimarron29414

For all of you who believe he should quit:

80% of all marriages in India are arranged by the parents.
India's divorce rate is 10% (Hinduism forbids remarriage if your divorce).

So, you marry a stranger and yet you have a 90% success rate. Do you think that 90% of Indians are miserable? No. Some of them are, but a majority commit to their marriage (to a virtual stranger) and find happiness in it. Of course your wife is overweight, negative, and jealous. Everytime you aren't happy, you threaten to ruin her life! How could anyone live in that environment and find contentment. Her future is now dictated by your whims. I feel sorry for her.

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LoganSnake

You cannot compare Indian traditions to American ones and draw any kind of parallels. The very mentality about everything is different. Society plays a huge role in how you should behave and what you should do. There is no such pressure in the States. Besides, you just said that remairrage is forbidden if you divorce, so once you are single again, you cannot uphold yourself to the social standard of being married in the future. Plus there is the whole thing of being disowned by your parents.

I would guarantee that if the social views on marries from America were brought over to India and given enough time to acclimate, the divorce rate would be comparable.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Anonymous Member

being together for a decade is a little bit different than gave it a shot babe.

there seems to be an idea floating around that i want nothing more than to be away from her when its the other way around -- i would love for our relationship to work. i want it to. i want to love her forever and be with her until were old and spending our retirement. but i cant mask the sense of dread i get waking up every day. i cant mask the constant wonder of what it would be like with a more cheerful person. i cant pretend that i dont care if its weekend, workday, night, day, vacation, slammed at work, its all nothing. nothing really phases me in life because i feel restricted by our relationship. if i could trick myself or my feelings into wanting to be with her forever then i would.

Anonymous Member

i dont see myself anywhere in this thread debating the idea of commitment. i actually see myself admitting that i took the easy way out and screwed up. maybe you got lost in the wrong thread?

ratbastid

I'm not sure if you're including me in that. There seems to be some unclarity around my first post (which is surprising to me, because I thought I was fairly straightforward). Let me rephrase.

Whatever you do about this, what will work best is to be above-board in all your dealings--in your marriage especially, but not exclusively. In other words, don't lie and don't cheat. Those sorts of actions will only haunt you.

Get divorced, if that's what you're going to do. Or have a conversation with her to redefine the nature of your relationship, and the agreements you have with each other. But whatever you do, deal honestly with her about it. She deserves that. Don't go behind her back. Let her know the whole deal, and take whatever lumps you're going to take. Better to take the impact of how it really is than to cover up and be dodging the truth for the rest of your life.

She might just surprise you. She might be a bigger person than you give her credit for. You'll never know that if you keep being afraid of damaging her.

For the record, I'm not a religious folk.

LoganSnake

Now that you have rephrased it, I can agree with you. It came off as you saying that they should stay together no matter what due to the vows they took.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

telekinetic

Sounds like you're blaming your own depression on your wife. Getting your dick wet isn't going to make life worth living again if you're that far gone--it sounds like you're assigning cause and effect where there isn't any:

I am married, I feel numb to the world, therefore it must be my marriage causing me to feel numb.

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twisted no more

Cimarron29414

You are missing the point. They CAN divorce. They choose not to. While I agree that Indian traditions are different than Amercian ones, I can still compare them. Your post seems to contend that because American society currently condones abandoning your wife due to the level of gravitational pull she commands, I certainly don't view that as a strength of our society.

There's a reason why our divorce rate is 60%.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Punk.of.Ages

Because free choice and marriage don't mix?

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

LoganSnake

It should not be a matter of societal standing period. It should be a personal choice or a mutual agreement between involved parties. If somebody feels that they want to leave their partner because of whatever unsolvable reason*, they should be able to do so without being shunned.

Granted, I would not ever look favorably on couples with children divorcing just because they don't have kids, but I guess it's better sometimes than killing them. But I digressssssssss.

My point is that rules of society should not apply when it comes to the way your partner makes you feel.

-----------------------------------------------
*Unsolvable meaning after they've tried to reconcile things and it didn't work.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

elsesomebody

Could the member who suggested TheEroticReview or anybody who has VIP membership PM me, please? I have some questions about the site.

Glory's Sun

obviously my post about the societal practice of marriage was missed. I find it sad that a status of marriage trumps individual or mutual happiness. This whole marriage was based on falsehoods and empty promises as well as a lack of respect and and confidence. If there is no way to mend that, then it's doubtful that either one is happy..and they are in fact ruining *each other's lives*

at that point, there is no healthy reason to stay married.. even less of a point if it's only to achieve some archaic status in society.

Cimarron29414

...or because integrity, commitment, character, perseverance and American society no longer mix. I am not going to debate the merits of marriage with those who don't have any intention of changing their mind.

Divorce her, at least she will have a shot at meeting someone who believes in the vows he took.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Glory's Sun

vows are only worth their weight if both people are doing what they should be doing. While the OP is certainly not at fault in this by any stretch, the wife has clearly shown an interest in not making an effort either, so it stands to reason that she doesn't take the vows seriously.

Cimarron29414

We can now determine her commitment to her vows based on an unknown level of gravitational pull, can we?

Can you imagine the misery she must feel knowing that every night the OP sneaks off to his computer room for 7 hours of internet porn when all she wants is for him to come watch TV with her, or take her out on a date, or read her a few pages of the book he is reading, or dance with her in the living room...

We reap what we sow. He's getting exactly out of his marriage what he puts in. She's hopeless because there is no hope, she's just waiting for her execution. She's been waiting for it since before they got married.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

elsesomebody

As somebody who is in a similar situation as the OP, I agree with all of this. Granted some situations just aren't meant to be, but I think a lot of relationships don't work out because people are just to lazy to make it work out. There are two sides to every story, and we can only judge so much.

telekinetic

Projecting much?

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twisted no more

Cimarron29414

Nope. Happily married for 10 years. Thanks for asking, though.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Glory's Sun

First off, the OP clearly stated that he tried to back out of the marriage before it happened. Secondly, he stated that his wife made promises to lose weight etc. She has not lived up to her end of the deal.. if she took her oaths seriously, then she would make her promises a reality. Promises don't mean shit until they are followed through on.

telekinetic

I'm curious where are the posts he made that you read and I didn't...I only made the snarky comment because you seem to be providing guilt, not advice.

There's obviously two sides to this story, but we only have his.

We don't know if she's happy...we don't even know definitively if his marriage is the sole source of his unhappiness (unlikely).

Anyways, wasn't trying to start a flame war, your scenario just seemed to lay it on a bit thick.

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twisted no more

Anonymous Member

im sorry, do i know you? who the hell mentioned any of that crap? just because a man is unhappy in his relationship doesnt mean hes an automatic scumbag. and for the record i treat her very well. her friends and coworkers consider her spoiled by me.

Punk.of.Ages

That old saying about assumptions...

It applies here.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Cimarron29414

Surely, you can see the difference between a pre-marital promise to cut calories and a "...til death do we part" vow.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Glory's Sun

surely you can understand that if that was a promise made in order to make him feel at ease with saying a vow, then it's not a stretch to say she wasn't committed either.

Punk.of.Ages

What is the difference? They're both promises.

Obviously, no promises are being kept in this relationship. That's why it's not working.

The self-righteous crap in this thread aside, it's pretty simple. Dude settled, he's realized he settled and isn't truly happy, and now it's time for him to man up, break a heart, move on, and learn from his mistakes. It's called growing up. It happens to all of us.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Cimarron29414

"im married and im itching to be with others. my wife is big and i want to know what its like to have sex with/be intimate with a different woman. ive never even held hands with another woman, a woman that has a different body and a different personality."

I'm sorry. You are the paragon of good husbands. Only on the internet can the guy that says "stay with your wife, try harder" become the villian.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

telekinetic

That's funny, I can with a clean conscience say GET OUT FOR THE SAKE OF BOTH OF YOU BEFORE YOU BREED and not feel like the bad guy one bit.

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twisted no more

Punk.of.Ages

He's not a good husband, and it's not a healthy marriage. That's the point. They need to cut their losses and both find people who will treat them better.

This isn't about marriage, it's about happiness. Without happiness, a marriage is void anyhow...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

LoganSnake

Only because said guy is advocating unhappiness for both of them should the OP stay.

You would really stay in an unhappy marriage just because you took your vows? Say you tried everything, but the wife is just not responding and you begin to lose all kinds of feelings for her. She doesn't make you happy. Seeings her is a chore. You wake up every day feeling miserable. If you're a masochist (and somewhat of a sadist), then I can see you staying.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Cimarron29414

...except that isn't what we are talking about here. We are talking about someone who started the entire thread with: "I think I want to have sex with other women, should I?" That isn't exactly "how do I know when I have done everything I can to save my marriage?" thread, now is it.

---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:53 PM ----------

The difference between what I am saying and what you are saying is this: you say "he's not a good husband and it's not a healthy marriage, so leave." I say, "He's not a good husband, so until he fixes that, we don't know if it can be a healthy marriage or not." Start by giving everything, by truly submitting to your marriage. It's the only way to walk away with a clean heart (when/if) doesn't work out. I've always been amazed how much my situtation changes when I am willing to give more.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

LoganSnake

Well, that same person later posted again and sad that he did try to bring the spark back by taking her out, going places, trying to do activities and that it didn't work. What's your advice for him now? To try harder? And if that doesn't work?

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Jinn

RE: My last post..

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Punk.of.Ages

It seems, to me, that you haven't read his later posts. He has stated that he has put effort into changing and it is not working. It is time to call it quits.

Furthermore, this man, clearly, does not truly love this woman and never has. Love can't be forced. It was over before it started. Move on.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Toaster126

You are better than this.

If you sincerely believe you have tried your best, and that the relationship is not working because she is not working at it as well, why do you still need santion from TFP to leave? I think maybe you are trying, but you also have your own issues that are clouding things.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

tenchi069

it sounds as though you two are in a downward spiral. You don't feel like she is doing what she can to help the marriage so you get depressed and start failing to help the marriage from your side. It starts off small, on both sides. Then one day you wake up and realize that you are nowhere near the point of where you were, so now the downward spiral starts to get steeper and steeper until it gets out of control and one side gets irrepairably hurt. Only through communication with your wife can you find out if either of you are truly past that point. If you are, then little to nothing can make it work. If neither of you are past that point, then you BOTH need to work together to make it work. It will be a full time effort for the both of you, there will be little points of achievement and alot of sacrifice. It is a difficult climb back up but only you(collective) can decide if it is worth it. Don't expect to talk 1 evening with your wife and have everything magically the way it "was" in the morning. I wish you both the best.

--tenchi

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