Girlfriend Sad After Sex?
 

Hi all,

My SO recently revealed to me that after sex she always feel sad after sex. She said she won't enjoy sex until she is able to have an orgasm from sex, and she has this mental block that prevents her from having an orgasm. She's uncomfortable during sex which prevents her from having an orgasm which makes her sad. It's a vicious circle that she feels she'll never get out of. We've talked about it for hours and I've tried to make her as comfortable as possible but nothing seems to work. Any advice TFP?

Thanks,
muckluck.

The problem here is that stress can prevent her from going over the edge, and not finishing can cause stress.

There are contributing factors. Are you her first partner? Has she had an orgasm before? Has oral done it for her? Is she aware that only about a third of women can actually orgasm from penetration and the rest need clitoral stimulation?

Is she able to come to an orgasm on her own, in her own space?

If not, this is her first obstacle to overcome.

She wasn't raised fundamentalist, was she? Being raised to believe that sex is "bad" can be very hard to overcome. Patience is probably your best friend.

Not her first partner and she can orgasm on her own. Oral hasn't done it for her, but it's got her close. And I'm sure she's aware of it, but she might not be.

---------- Post added at 10:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:27 PM ----------

She was raised in a very religious family that believes guys and girls shouldn't even hang out together alone let alone sex. This may have something to do with it, but she's agnostic and does not follow in her family's footsteps.

---------- Post added at 10:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:28 PM ----------

Yes she is, from clitoral stimulation.

Does she own a vibrator? I would try focusing on only getting her off one night. Just make it about her and having a good time. You might not want to let her know right away that is the plan because it might put pressure on her to have to have an orgasm. Then after she has had one, then you can try to give her a second one.

Then again, why is she uncomfortable during sex? Have you tried various positions? Have you used lube? Are you using condoms? Or is it a bigger mental problem with sex in general?

It's a mental thing as opposed to a physical thing. I can't really explain it all that well because she doesn't like to discuss it and I don't like to push her. But that is a good idea. I'm definitely going to give that a try.

You could try a change in position to

I'm one of those unlucky girls where 99.98% of the time I need clitoral stimulation before I can achieve any type of orgasm. What I have found effective is me on top sitting almost vertical - from that position she can easily reach to stimulate her own clitoris while she rides you, practically masturbation without a dildo and you're free to lay back and enjoy the view ;). Also leaves you with your hands free to do whatever else you like.

Problems you might have with this are:

1) If you're much larger then average and she's tighter this could be uncomfortable for her as the penetration is quite deep

2) If it is purely about mental stress on her part ( and that does happen) then this probably won't help at all, personally I would try this one only after you've had some success with ASU2003s idea.



Another idea is once she's a bit more at ease (once again after ASU2003s idea) you could try a shaft ring with an attached clitoral stimulator ( these can always be turned around to effect you as well btw) or warming / cooling gels or if you're feeling generous something like a wevibe (though if she needs large amounts of clitoral simulation she's still need to use some form of manual manipulation for the best results.


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As for the sadness, my guess is that she probably feels terrible for not being able to orgasm with you. One because she's terrified you're going to start thinking she doesn't love you or doesn't find you attractive ( I'm certain that's not the issue). Plus if you get her close she'll be left with sexual tension all the time and feel even worse because she can't get frustrated with you about that sicne it's not your fault.

Massive guilt trip either way which just builds the original problems up and makes it worse.

Not much you can do there cept hug her, tell her you love her / care about her and you're not upset about the situation but will do your best to help her work on it.

Yeah, she's stressing herself and preventing herself from finishing. Try having a few glasses of wine beforehand with a nice dinner to relax her, give her a massage and transition to using your hands and oral. Make the whole night about her having a good time in general, and see if relaxing and not making it all about sex can help her overcome the roadblock.

Alternately, tie her to the bed and jam a black 10 inch vibrating dildo in and don't let her go until she cums.

This actually works. It took 7 hours, but it works.

But are you there? Maybe it has more to do with the fact that you're there watching, as opposed to anything you are doing or not doing?

this might be a good time to engage the help of a professional, a regular therapist, or even a specific sex therapist, will have techniques and so forth to help her A) understand her issues B) work through them.

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