Anonymous Member

I have been in a relation ship for 7 years.
In the last two years my girl friend has gain some weight (around 55 lbs above normal). So i tried a year ago at first to invite her to go for long walks with me or other activity's. I have also tried avoiding unhealthy food and to encourage her to eat more healthy. Just before Christmas i give her a gift certificate to a gym, unfortunately she got very angry about this. The problem now is that she wants to have the light off when we are intimate. she doesn't like to be naked. I am feeling that our relations ship has taken a bad turn. I realize that i can't discuss anything like this again with her. I suppose i was unreasonable, but how do i convince her to be more relaxed? If i give her compliments she just looks at me as i am lying.

Punk.of.Ages

Due to bad forms of communication on your part, you have pushed her away. The person she very likely thought would accept her, no matter what she looks like, is not accepting her (at least in her mind) when she most needs it.

Obviously, your intention was not to push her away and you need to let her know that. It's a delicate situation that requires a bit of tact. Just let her know you don't find her less attractive (assuming you don't).

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dlish

dude..never get an overweight person a gym membership.

you've got to earn her trust again and make her realise that she can confide her innermost thoughts to you. right now there a wall. it was a big mistake on your part. start from scratch.

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RogueGypsy

WTF? Why is everyone laying the blame on the OP? Sure, it may have been a little insensitive to give her a gift cert. for a gym, but I don't think he force fed her and duct taped her to the couch either. All he did with the gift cert. is confirm her already existing belief that she needs to loose weight. SHE wants the lights out. SHE is unhappy with the way she looks. SHE needs to do something about it, not look for approval from others to accept something she doesn't want to accept. If SHE is happy with her new look, she would have told him to go fuck himself, or laughed in his face and he never would have made this post.

I say, talk to her about it. Ask her if SHE is happy with the way she looks and feels. And what, if anything, SHE is willing to do about it. Once that is resolved, then it is the OP's job to support her in her decision and help her to the best of his ability. You have to know what makes a person happy, before you can help them to be happy.

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Xerxys

RogueGypsy:
Dude, when some things are done wrong, like cooking for example, you can simply throw out the burnt food, wash the dishes and start again. Simple eh? When it comes to people, and I have only just learned this ... self esteem can be built in years and broken within seconds. Not as simple as cooking.

OP, were not blaming you. But as will be the course of the thread, your now only next action is patience and communication. Do not pressure her, but let her know that you care and even though you love the person that she is already, you also want her to be her best self.

Iliftrocks

She's just going to get bigger. If that is a problem for you, break it off sooner, rather than later. If you are going to stay, get used to the fact that she will get bigger, and try to fix the mess you made by buying a woman a gym membership. Just don't buy her food to do it with..... Flowers are traditional

My ex got fat, didn't bother me, but the boat load of crazy she ran me over with along the way was too much.

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Strange Famous

He bought her a gym membership, he didnt call her a fat pig to her face and systematically knock down her self esteem (like my dad to to my mum about her weight for example)

I mean, the chances are if she is 60 lbs overweight, she knows she is and feels bad about it. Getting pissed off with this guy is a part of her own defensiveness.

Maybe there are some things which are healthier you can do together? At the end of the day she will only lose weight to if she wants to do it for herself though not cos you want it.

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cdwonderful

you only buy a gym membership for a woman if its a couples thing.
Not logical, but true

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Cynthetiq

So if you have crooked teeth and didn't think anything wrong of it, you'd be okay with someone getting you a gift certificate for dental work?

You've had your own bout with weight loss, some girl was interested in you, you'd not take umbrage if she got you an appointment with a doctor to get a gastric bypass?

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Starkizzer

In the first couple years of me dating im2smrt4u I gained about 35lbs. I was overweight to begin with but so was he and he enjoyed spending time with me. I didn't really think too much about my weight even as I was getting bigger. I was able to ignore it because someone loved me and was willing to be naked with me.

At some point around three years, my weight came up in a bad argument and it devastated me because he had never mentioned it once before. It came out in a very bad way and it hit me harder than it would have if he was like "hey we both need to lose weight lets do something about it", or "Im concerned about your weight, do you want to work on getting healthy together". Basically I would have had an easier time with it had he tried to help me the way you have tried to help your girl. But no matter how nicely you tell someone they need to lose weight, its still hard to hear. It took me a long time to be completely comfortable around him again. I dropped about 20lbs and pretty quickly. He told me he felt terrible about it, and some time later when I asked him about it again he said he was stupid and immature and realized what was more important to him was me.

Once we started at the university I gained so much weight that I was at my heaviest. He never said a word, if I asked he said he had no room to talk and if I wanted to lose weight I would just look even better. (Also keeps telling me if I lose my boobs hes gonna "fatten me back up" ) About a year and a half ago I decided I was terribly unhappy with my self and dropped 30lbs. I have kept it off but I wanted to lose more to get to my ideal healthy weight so for a Valentines Day gift to myself, this year I bought a gym membership.

Its gonna take time for her to feel okay around you again and while she may be unhappy with how she looks, the thought of her losing all the weight shes gained may seem a bit overwhelming. (I had 50+ lbs to lose at the beginning and there were days that I thought it was useless)

All I can tell you as advice is keep making her feel sexy and special. When she is ready to lose weight be as supportive as you can, go to the gym with her, help her plan healthy meals and reward and encourage her progress and success. Help her set reasonable goals, not just losing the weight. When she loses 5-10lbs treat her to a mani or pedi.

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Slims

Ok, it's not 'bad forms of communication' on behalf of the original poster.

His GF has a weight issue and is obviously aware and self-conscious about it. At the same time she isn't willing to put out the effort required to actually do anything about it (or she wouldn't have a weight problem).

That's entirely her fault. That he tried to provide her with a way out of a 'growing' problem is no knock on him.


I don't know what to tell you except don't beat yourself up about this. If the relationship can't handle honest discussions about health, attractiveness, and other life issues then you don't need to be in it.


Cynthetiq:

I do have crooked teeth, and while they don't bother me I wouldn't be offended if my wife gave me a gift certificate for a dentist...If it would improve me in her eyes it would be worth doing. Also, it would be a gift I could use (just as the OP's girlfriend could certainly have used the Gym membership).

I have been in a school for the last two months and really haven't worked out the way I normally do since early December. I have put on a few pounds (and not the good kind) and I just reached a point where I said enough is enough. I am now working out for at least an hour a day, sometimes twice. Additionally my wife told me last night I no longer have the definition I used to have due to an increase in belly fat. It's honest, and since it is TRUE I am not about to be offended by it. Instead I am working to correct the problem. If my wife bought me a gym membership I would be greatful.

Relationships are a mutual contract and I see absolutely on reason why one party should just sit around and do nothing while the other eats their way into being single...if he cares about her he should be honest and allow her an opportunity to correct her behavior before kicking her to the curb. The same goes for him if he decided to start smoking, doing hard drugs, or getting fat also as they are all unattractive behaviors.

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little_tippler

If she is happy as she is and has never shown signs of being unhappy with her size, and you're the one who has problems with her increased size, the best thing is to be honest with her and see if it can be worked out together. If she won't do something about it, because she's fine with it, and you can't adjust to her size change, then you're the wrong guy for her and she's the wrong girl for you. It would be far worse to stay with her and continue to feel that way about her. Love her as she is or let her go. You'll destroy her self-esteem otherwise.

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desal75

My little piece of advice is this: if you still love her and want her to be happy don't bring it up anymore. Look at her the way you always have, hopefully with that look in your eyes like she is the only thing you want to be looking at right then. If she wants to have the lights off, then leave them off and be intimate in the same passionate way you always hopefully have.

In my very non professional appearance this will help her self esteem over time. Hopefully to the point where she feels comfortable with herself again and able to tackle her weight issues head on and deal with them.

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Charlatan

Buying her a gym membership is the passive aggressive approach. What you need to do is address her directly. Tell her what you are thinking and how you feel. Follow Tippler's good advice above.

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shakran

To be rather blunt, what the hell did you expect? You spend two years telling her in every way possible "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat" and now you're upset that she doesn't want you to see her body?

You have some serious relationship healing to do. Tell her that you've behaved like an idiot, because you have, and that you're dating her because of who she is, not how much water she displaces. And then prove what you say by demonstrating that.

And to those who don't think the OP deserves heat - Read his post again. He did not say "my girlfriend wants to lose weight and so I tried to help her and she got pissed." He said "My girlfriend gained weight and here's what I tried to do about it." Big, big difference. I reread the OP and do not see anywhere where the OP says the girlfriend has ever said anything about her weight at all - at least not until after he sat there for 24 months trying to make her slim down at which point her reaction was pretty natural.

Starkizzer

As a woman who has been in the same position (almost) as the OP's gf, I figure if your with someone for 7 years your pretty much in it for the long run. If your married shouldn't you be able to tell your partner you want them to be healthy so that you CAN spend a long fulfilling life together? So maybe he didn't go about it in the best way but perhaps he did it with her best interest at heart shouldn't that count for something?

Sure I was pissed as hell when I first found out my honey wasn't absolutely thrilled about my figure but honestly I should have known better. Hell, even here in the titty board if there is a girl with curves, not even fat just thick, most guys are like shes ok but I like them thinner. And now I'm glad we can talk openly about our weight and neither of us gets pissed at what the other has to say. We've been together for 6 years, plan on getting married so I think you should be allowed to tell the one you love, "hey I kinda like you it would be nice if you took better care of yourself so that I could continue to enjoy your company for a long time"

Sure he fucked up in his delivery but I'm sure he knows it now hes looking for ideas on how to fix this.

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RogueGypsy

Yeah, I get the 'self esteem' quagmire. But your cooking analogy IS how you fix it. You have to apologize and be forgiven (throw out the burnt food), discuss the issue (wash the dishes) and start over. It is that simple, maybe not as quick, but it is that simple.

Yes some people are a little broken and take more time to heal, usually due to pre-existing trust issues, others are over it in minutes. Either way, if they don't talk about it. The relationship has just died.

---------- Post added at 12:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:50 AM ----------

Wow, a little touchy in this area?

I read his post as: he tried to be kind and subtle. INVITING her to go on long walks, Not telling her 'you need to go walk your fat ass around the block'. He tried to eat healthier foods so she would too. When she didn't catch on to the subtle hints, he stepped it up a notch, obviously a bad move on his part. But as I stated in my first post. HE did not do this to her, she did it to herself. And if she were truly comfortable with the weight gain, she would have told him to go fuck himself. Not gotten all self conscious about it. So obviously she does want to loose weight and it is the lack of communication on both parts that has brought them to were they are now.

But to vilify a guy for trying to help a loved one, is beyond me. It could have been handled better on both sides with better communication. I have to give the OP a pat on the back for effort. Most lesser men would have just walked out and left the weight and underlying issues to the next relationship.

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shakran

I'm not really villifying him - to be clear, I don't think he was trying to be a jerk. I think he handled it epically poorly, but he's not the only one. Hell my dad got mom a waffle iron for their first valentines day

It's a matter of knowing how to broach this subject. The way he did it, intentionally or not (and it seems, unintentionally) was to tell her over and over that she's fat. You don't have to come right out and SAY that someone is fat, in order to tell them that they're fat.

Bear Cub

Dump her. If she refuses to take care of herself, its all downhill from there.

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Strange Famous

Firstly I'm not denying that I'm fat. Anyone who see's me can tell that I am, and I know I am too.

A gastric bypass is a bit different to a gym membership though.

If a girl I was with bought me a gym membership, or said in a nice way - you need to lose weight - it might make me feel bad about myself, and that might me take it badly... but I dont think I'd blow up about it. I understand if you feel bad about yourself anyway it can hurt to realise other people see you the same way you do yourself and maybe this girl reacted the same way. But I wouldnt be pissed off with her, because ultimately she'd be trying to encourage me to do something that was in my own interests, presumably because she cared about it. I dont think its likely that many people are happy being overweight. I know that I never have been.

And if a girl did book an appointment with a doctor for a Gastric Bypass or whatever, I wouldnt go and I guess we'd probably have to have a talk. If she said - I'm going to dump you if you dont lose this much weight in this much time or something - I'd probably say "you wont have to bother darling, because you can forget about the whole thing in any case" - but this guy hasnt said anything to his girl like that. At the end of he day, if he isnt attracted to her because of her size, or if she feels unhappy enough about her size that she goes off sex - is he supposed to just lie and pretend everythings fine and happy? What good does that do either of them?

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Psycho Dad

I've been married 25 years. My wife literally at one point was twice as heavy as when I met her. It never bothered me half as bad as it did her. While I admit that I perhaps wouldn't seek out a woman as heavy as what she was, I have loved her for so long that I figure our physical deficiencies are part of "for better or worse".

She took up exercise and eating better a few months ago because she wants to lose weight before our cruise in June. I'm tickled to death about it not because of physical appearance sake, but because it will make her healthier and part of my life for at least 25 more years.

If sex in the dark is your biggest problem in your relationship, you are doing OK.

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Toaster126

One of the responsibilities you have in a healthy relationship is keeping yourself up, both from a physical attractiveness angle and a health one.

That being said, anyone who buys a woman a gym membership that isn't some sort of couple's thing is not coming from a loving place.

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mixedmedia

I don't think anything the OP did is terribly wrong, but in my personal experience every man I have ever spent considerable time with has gained weight (30-50 lbs +) over the course of the relationship. It's never been a thing that bothered me. But if it did, I would think that is my problem and not my spouse's. How is she as a partner? A lover? A friend? If she is filling those needs and you are still preoccupied her appearance, then you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons. If she is not filling those needs, those are the problems you need to concentrate on.

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Iliftrocks

Can I hear a big AMEN!!!!

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Vincentt

"Crooked teeth" will not kill you, being overweight might.
Obesity and Overweight: Health Consequences | DNPAO | CDC

Wanting your partner to lose weight is not only about looks, it is about their health. This is especially true if you are thinking in the long term.

To me, this is more like asking a SO to quit smoking and buying them an electronic cigarette.

My suggestion: start training for a triathlon; you'll be training and getting in better shape, I'm sure the enthusiasm will rub off. Then you can ask her to help *you* eat better and keep on *your* exercise routine.

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ily_forever22

Yeah, unfortunately, because you have hinted many times at the fact that you want her to lose weight, its going to push her away and make her feel VERY self-concious about herself. My ex wasn't happy with the weight I had gained since we got together (about 35 lbs overweight), but instead of hinting at the fact that he wanted me to lose it, he just stopped wanting to touch me. Its a major blow to a girl's self esteem...and to be honest, because of all that, the moment another guy was flirting with me and wanted me (for the way that I was) it made me wander. I'm not proud for cheating, but the fact that I wasn't good enough for my man, made it hard to not. Especially since we haden't even had sex in over half a year. Don't make the same mistake he did. I don't know how you can un-do what you did...its going to take a long while for her to truly believe you when you say she looks good.