Heavy

Hi all...I've been a member here for awhile but rarely post.

I was in a relationship with a woman for a little over two years and I loved her very, very much. The thing is, she was not very nice a lot of the time so I had to break it off. It actually got physical a few times and I know I don't deserve that. I am actually a very tough person and have had a rough life and was surprised how calmly I responded to her violence.

Anyway...other than her losing control of her emotions at times...I was crazy about her. Her look, her body, her life, her sex....I was absolutely in love. I am 32 and that was the first time I ever felt this strongly. Imagine the body of perfection...Jessica Alba is very close...the most beautiful woman I have ever dated.

But...after a few breakups I finally ended it for good. She moved on very quickly and was in bed with someone else within two weeks.

For me...it has been two months now. I have a few girls around but just can't have sex with them. I really, really want to have sex with them...but my body just will not work like I want.

It is frustrating because I have always been EXTREMELY sexual my entire life. I love sex. I need it. And frankly I am very good at it.

So...anyone been in this situation before? Is it normal for an ended relationship to take away a mans ability to perform?

How long will this last?

It is really killing my self esteem. I have always taken great pride in my ability to please women and I just....don't know....I feel so empty. It is so easy for women to have sex...yet us men are stuck here dealing with issues.

The cool thing is I am very casual with a few girls and they aren't pressuring me...they understand where I am right now and I am just avoiding having sex with them....even though I feel I really, really need it.

Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Is this normal or should I be worried?

Apokx

Give yourself time to get over the ex and put less pressure on yourself to have sex. When your mind is ready your body will cooperate.

Enjoy the company of the women who want you(as it does wonders for your confidence and helps you cope with a breakup), but dont think you "need" to have sex.

..and women have issues with sex just like we do, we're all human beings.

ratbastid

I'd strongly recommend at least a three month break from dating. Just to get some breathing room from the rawness of it, and kind of get your mojo back.

You don't "need" sex. That's crap. Want it a lot maybe, but I guarantee you'll live.

highthief

Agree with that - the more you think your life is defined by getting a boner, the more pressure you put on yourself, and the less likely you'll be to have great sex.

Take a little break, do some other stuff, it'll come back naturally.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

Lilith785

I agree with taking time to get over the situation. Is it possible that it is stress related? if so I recommend trying something I learned in Indonesia. Kava. I make it into tea and it calms my nerves and inhibitions.

Plan9

Get another hobby besides sheathing the salami sword?

Seriously... whenever I break up with a girl, I go and put money in my car, guns, motorcycle, whatever.

I lift weights, run miles and miles for no reason, I practice my karate forms and attack combinations.

Watch the movies you want, play the video games you've neglected, call up friends that are now strangers.

Kicking the dead sex horse won't make you feel any better, bro.

Letting it come back... over time... will help.

Sex is what (usually) two people share. It's not the goal, it's a means of expression or release.

...

Stop worrying about pleasing women. You're just trying to prop yourself up emotionally.

Ditch the sex crutch and please yourself in ways that don't involve an orgasm.

...

Haha... you need it and you're really good at it, huh? Funny, so are all the guys here at TFP.

Except WillRavel. He doesn't need it, he just likes to make suits out of their skin.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

snowy

Yogi Tea makes a great Kava stress relief tea that is relaxing and tasty. It can definitely help with stress, let you chill out a bit, and not focus so much on "needing" sex.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Baraka_Guru

Also try passion flower tea. The name is a bit ironic. I use it liberally when I have to fly.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Hyacinthe

"looks both ways checking the So isn't on the board"

My SO has the same problem, usually when he's under stress

During foreplay all is good but as soon as he puts on a condom he just wilts, or just as we start really getting into it the same will happen, he constantly reassures me that it's nothing to do with me (and I like to think it's not considering how hard he has to try to hold off on orgasming at other times)

I don't take it personally, believe it or not most women know that stress, alcohol, drugs, lack of sleep anything like that can effect a mans ability to sustain or achieve an erection. They're not going to put pressure on you because they know 1) it's perfectly reasonable and 2) it'll make matters worse.

I would take Baraka Guru and onesnowyowl advice and just take some time for yourself, have some herbal teas or just take some time to do whatever relaxes you.

Give yourself some time and things will fix themselves.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Ayashe

Two years is a fair amount of time to put into a relationship. A lot of deep emotions can certainly come into play. I am assuming based upon what you have said that this is the first time you have ever had such a problem. I recommend that you give this a few months but if it does not resolve you seek counseling. You have come out of a fairly volatile relationship, I don't believe there is a tea out there that will heal you from that.

__________________
I am only a little spoon in a huge world of soup.

Yellow Tulip

I'm sorry about your relationship but, really, it sounds like your partner had issues of her own and you have done the right thing by ending it. Two months is a very short time in which to get over someone you love. Follow Crompsin's advice and do something to take your mind off your ex. When something causes us pain like a relationship breakdown the mind and body can put themselves on hold - this is a natural protective measure to stop you being hurt again while you are still vulnerable. Try not to worry about this - you will be ready when you are ready and not before.

dlish

do what cromp does..do the boys thing and avoid the girls for a bit. get your mind off the sex and be with the boys. it'd clear your head. you'd be free of the non-obligation obligation of being around girls. no one wants to be 'just friends' for nothing. so if you're not going to get into a relationship now (i personaly dont think you should), then break those chains and liberate yourself.

the ladies will understand, and when you are ready to be back, you'll have a new outlook on life.

oh, and one other thing..cromp is right..every guy here on TFP is a sex-god. every last one of us.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Plan9

Hooah!

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

Wait a tick--

I have powers that lie dormant.

* * * * *

Truth be told, if you don't look after yourself, your sexual energies will suffer. It is just one thing we use as a measure of health. Another measure is finding a decreased interest in things you previously enjoyed immensely.

I highly recommend following Crompsin's advice here. Getting out a relationship, one can find themselves with a decreased sense of self. This is unhealthy, and you must rebuild it.

Do what you like.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Plan9

Yeah, I gotta find the distributor of this sex-in-a-can product that men are so addicted to that they "need" it... I could make a shitload of money by selling it to military guys before they deploy. They'll be flooding my mailbox with checks and APO addresses. Cha-ching!

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

KirStang

The way I got over my last ex? Hung out with the boys a lot. Took the time to look after my needs (which i'm totally not doing right now). But take care of yourself.

Gamble? NO
Drink? NO

Hang out with women/friends who'll introduce u to aformentioned women? YES
Exercise? YES
Try out new things? YES

When you love life, it'll show. Then you'll be ready again.

SabrinaFair

I think many people mistakenly believe that a person's sex drive is a constant thing that exists only in two states--high or low. Rather, sex drive, like many of our drives and appetites, wanes and flows with the seasons of our life. Having a low desire right now is only natural. As others have said, throw yourself into other activities, avoid bars and casinos, and just allow to breathe and feel.

__________________
"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
-Desiderata

Iliftrocks

I'm not good at it, but then again, I obviously don't need it either..... ouch

Hobbies are good. Take some time off, you have to get the taste out of your mouth, as it were.

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

World's King

The only thing you "need" right now is to settle the fuck down.


Okay, I'm pretty sure Cromp and Will have been waiting for me to post in this thread so they can make fun of whatever I say. Too bad.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

Plan9

That's not true at all. In a world of fluffy puppy bullshit and $5 words, you're the steel I-beam we can trust to keep us on task by ramming through our frontal lobes like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.
-----Added 10/2/2009 at 02 : 24 : 37-----
Yeah... it wanes when we have a solid relationship and flows when we don't.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Heavy

Sorry about not betting back before now. You guys rock with the advice. Just what I needed. I have broken it off with the other women and am just chilling out. I've been getting my hobbies going as much as possible.

I've just never had a "low mojo" time in my life...even after my divorce from a long marriage! But then...I never really cared for any woman but my mom and my sis until this girl...and she put me through hell!

I have learned a valuable lesson though...never let a woman think you are into her more than she is into you. And if the red flags are flying....I'll be walking the other way. ;-)

fatexspell

Hey Guy,

Same thing happened to me after my ex-wife divorced me. She left me for another guy, so she was already in the other bed you mentioned. I think that is a big part of not being abl to perform. It is in the back ofyour head she found another guy quick and he must be better in bed or she would have taken longer to find someone.
My ex-wife is no Jessica Alba either. She was and is over weight,( like way over not a few pounds were talking like 80) and a total pain in the rear. But still to his day when i see or talk to her i am under some spell and can't shake it.
I didnt have a relationship with another woman for 2 years and the sex was terrible, all my fault. I ended up waiting another year before trying again. I did better this time, but things didn't work out. Has been hit or miss for me since.
One thing that screwed me up in any relationship was the ex wife calling for something, kids, money etc would ruin my focus on the woman iwas with. I would think of the ex-wife, or why she left me, or te guy she is with.
So best thing I can say is just block all that out like it doesn't exist otherwise she'll always have some sort of spell over you.