asudevil83

i'm going to try to just get this to the point without too much BS so here goes.

i'm just 20 and i've been going out with this girl whose 18 (19 in a couple months) for a couple weeks now. i've known her for a little over a month, but it took me a couple weeks to make the first move. but anyways...we get along great. we've gone out numerous times, talk on the phone for hours at a time, and always have some sort of conversation going on. from the very moment i met her, i knew something was special about her, like she may be my match. quite frankly i've fallen for her, fallen hard.

but a few problems concerning pasts have gotten in the way of me taking charge and trying to take this to the next level (exclusively together). either something with my past or hers, where one of us puts up a guard so that me or her wont get hurt again.

1. something that was an issue in the beginning, but has been delt with in the fact i'm pretty good friends with this girls older sister. i've known the older sister for a few years, and i'm probably her best guy friend. also me and her had little make out session a few months back....where i was drunk and she was sober. but other than that nothing has happened at all between the two of us, and i feel no attraction towards her.

2. another thing that bothers me sometimes is how she was engaged to some guy. but about about a year it fell apart. yeah, it sounds REALLY crazy, and just from that i know many of you would probably say i should back off. its kinda a long story on that but to make it short....basically he went off to the marines, cheated on her numerous times, lied about it, she found out, and she hasnt talked to him since. she's learned her lesson though.
i do kinda get the feeling though that she doesnt want to let herself get hurt again, by keeping a distance sometimes.

3. and me...well, i've been dicked over a couple times. i think its gotten to me too. where i just expect something bad to happen, like her finding some other guy and me getting screwed over again.

4. also (and this makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable) is that i've got a bit of a disability. basically some shit happened while i was being delivered, that left me with less that normal use of my arm. i dont think of it as a huge deal, but it is an insecurity because i dont know how others take it. i personally feel that i'm just lucky to be alive.

so i guess i'm just trying to figure out what to do. i mean, the logical thing would be to just go for it. there isnt any reason i should kid myself. either its going somewhere or nowhere...and by not doing anything about it i'm just postponing either the good or the bad.

so to all....what should this man (meaning me) do in this situation? and without totally spilling my guts and scaring her off, how should i tell her that i'm looking for something more in this?

rockzilla

So you fooled around a bit before you met her, it's no big deal, I don't know anybody that hasn't. She's been engaged before, so what? If she's ready to trust again, that's great. As for your disablility, chances are she's noticed and it's no big deal to her, if you still accept yourself and she accepts you, what do you have to lose?

Everyone has a past, how you deal with yours and how you accept hers determines whether or not you'll sieze an opportunity or stick to the wall wondering.

phredgreen

couple things first... thread moved to the secuality section because this is, indeed, relationship stuff. second, asu.. you live on campus or off? i went for a year and lived in best hall. good times.

onto the advice. it sounds liek you both have some hurdles to get over if it's gonna work. if you're willing to put the past behind and she do the same, it'll be fine. i've had too many problems with girls who keep "intimate" ties to their past... makes for bad news. as to your condition, don't sweat it. if she really loves you it won't be anything to worry about.

now about her sister. you're treading on very thin ice. you need to make sure that nothing like that ever happens again if you really want a future with this girl. mind yourself and your actions.


overall, i say enjoy it and don't put too much thought into it... if it's meant to be, it'll work out.

__________________
My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
- Thomas Paine

Slims

I say don't worry about a thing and be happy together.

If you are too defensive and guarded, you will only drive her away, so you have to open up, even if it means you might get hurt.

Almost everybody has a past relationship-wise. Most people learn and grow from their previous experiences, so think of her prior engagement as an experience that gave her a lot of life experience, rather than something that messed her up. Work to make sure that she feels safe with you.

If she likes you, then she likes you regardless of your disability, so get over it.

Good luck!

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

asudevil83

now that a few of us have established that i've got to initiate something and open up, what would be the best way to do so? should i just ask her if she's looking for a relationship right now, or tell her that i'm looking for something serious and she how she reacts to that? i've also thought about just sweeping her off her feet with a suprise visit and a dozen roses. i just dont really know...what would be the best way?

by the way...ASU rocks. the first two years were awesome. never lived on campus...but with friends who did, i know the experience pretty well.

phredgreen

something to consider is that you're both in college... a time when most people are sowing their wild oats and feeling their personalities out... it's not prime settling-down territory. i say be a romantic, have fun, and enjoy everything, but don't try to weigh it down with "definitions" and "clarifications" on what exactly this relationship is or isn't. when you do so, you run the danger of creeping her out, or perhaps even driving her away through forcing her to make a desicion about what you two are (or aren't). it's sweet that you wanna settle down, but i say just enjoy what you have. putting too much thought into it could really skew it.

__________________
My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
- Thomas Paine

cheerios

meh, dont' get too dramatic... tell her how you feel. how you REALLY feel. give her that trust, and see what she says. you may get hurt. it happens. but if/when it works out... aw man, it's worth it.