anti fishstick

I was thinking the other day about dating and sex. How long should you wait before having sex with someone? Should you wait until your roles are defined clearly as bf/gf, or can you have sex while still "dating"?

This is an interesting question for me now that i'm single and feeling as if I have to redefine what I want or need in a relationship/partner. I was discussing this with some friends and the most popular answer was to wait until a month. One of my friends, who is quite old fashioned (no sex until you're married, etc.), thinks you should wait a year. I think that is too extreme for me but he had some good points... He argued that you should wait to get to know someone first, get your basis covered and established before complicating it with the feel-good emotions of sex. He said a courtship of a year before having sex was good so that you get to know eachother well before doing anything more. Do you think we rush things too much in our society? Would a longterm relationship be any more or less successful if you waited for a year, until you get married, etc.? What are your thoughts...

For me personally, I think about a month sounds right. I generally like to be friends first, so if I were friends with someone for a year, and then we decided to be together, I could see waiting a month or maybe less. In that sense, I think "waiting for a year" makes sense. But NOT in the realms of dating or in a relationship already...

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vanblah

Depends on what your goal for the relationship is. I have had sex with people within a few minutes of meeting them. There was never an expectation of any more than that.

For women that I have had long-term relationships the average wait before sex is less than a week. Except for when I was a young teenager; the wait then was longer. However, I was not very monogamous back then so there were people with whom I had sex very quickly ... outside of my long-term relationship.

For my wife and I the wait was about a week after we met (mostly due to circumstances beyond our control). We've been married for 10 years now and we dated off and on for 8 or so years before we got married.

Anormalguy

A tough question with no easy answer(s).

A potential issue with waiting a year is what if you're not sexually compatible? Would you be willing to invest a year in a relationship only to find out that your partner isn't on the same page as you?

As for how long to wait, that would depend on you and you boyfriend. In some cases it might take lengthy courtship to determine if you're ready to sleep with them, or it might only take a few dates. There's always the possiblity of instant sexual chemistry, but it sounds as though you're wanting to make sure that you get to know the person first.

Some male friends would move on almost immediately if they didn't get sex, while others would wait, but would move on soon after having sex. What I'm trying to say is it's hard to say what a guy is going to do once you've had sex with him.

Some guys don't take adding sex to a relationship lightly, I know that I never did.

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neflyte

My ex and I waited just over a year before we first had sex. In her mind, that was too fast. But then again, she hadn't even explored her own sexuality much by that time. She was pretty sheltered for most of her life before she happened upon me.

I'd say it depends on who you're dating. Personally, I'd go right for it if the opportunity arose. Then I'd chastise myself for moving too fast it might have jeopardized my chances at a long-term relationship. If I wait, I literally go insane wanting it. Not that the constant teasing doesn't excite me to to end.

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allfullup

The right time to start having sex is... seventeen.

Seriously, though, doesn't the right time to have sex depend more on how much and what kind of time you share with your partner? All else being equal, if you find yourself spending lots of time together virtually or in RL, I'd think it natural to move on to the slippery bits a little sooner than if you only went out to dinner and a movie every Saturday and didn't talk much in between.

The longest I waited was about three months after we met, after three widely spaced dates and significant online conversation. The shortest was three days after we met, after a couple of late-night chat-by-the-register sessions at work. For me, I tend to wait longer to have sex with confident, intellectual women. It's definitely not for lack of attraction and it's definitely not just them driving the delay. It's more about seeing more of a relationship to develop outside of bed, and learning my way around their biggest sex organ before playing with the smaller ones.

There are also ties back into my answer to the "withholding sex" thread -- leaving them wanting more works both ways. That's a pretty recent discovery on my part, though. Historically, my median has been nearer the second date.

telekinetic

I've waited about three or four weeks after we started kissing to sleep with my last two girlfriends. The girlfriend before that moved in with me before I slept with her so she is hard to gauge a time on.

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SabrinaFair

I'm gonna go with the cop-out answer and say, "When it feels right." I'm more of a case-by-case kind of gal; not so much a fan of bright-line rules. With my most recent ex, we hopped in the sack pretty quickly. (OK, very quickly) We ended up dating for three years. Other fellows, it's been much longer. It depends on the circumstances of the relationship, what you want from it, the comfort level between the two of you, etc. The way I see it, any fellow who dumps me for sleeping with him too soon is an asshole unworthy of my time, anyhow. And any fellow who won't wait until I'm comfortable getting down....well, he's an asshole too.

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snowy

I'm going to agree with Sabrina here.

I think it's one of those things where you have to treat each relationship differently because they are different. Making standard rules for all your potential romantic relationships just doesn't work.

My current SO and I slept together on our first real date, and we've been together three years.

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ItWasMe

Don't you hate it when you click 'reply' and then what you were going to say goes 'poof!'?

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Willravel

Anything less than 15 minutes is completely out of the question.

ItWasMe

I tend to become even more emotionally involved after sex. Then, if he turns out to be a jerk, my habit is to stay much longer than I should and put up with more crap than anyone ever should put up with. Even if the guy starts becoming emotionally/verbally/physically abusive. The situation with my first husband is a classic example of this. But I know this about myself now, and I hope that's part of the key to not falling into that trap.

So, for me, the best answer is to wait until I know him very well.

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Daniel_

The whole idea that you can be "dating" and not be "bf/gf" from the OP is one that is alien to the British experience.

In this country, you can hang out with someone (in a group, at schoolwork etc) but doing something just the two of you ("a date") makes you a couple - albeit a temporary one. It is not normal in my experience to "date" more than one partner at a time in Britain.

Having explained that, you will realise that for an American to say "I'll wait until we're bf/gf" is irrelevant to the British dating experience, because there is a transition in American culture from "dating" to "going steady" which does not exist here - we have implied monogamy from the first date.

Many British people will have sex on a first date, and many will wait months and months.

I have never "dated" someone I hadn't already got to know and like socially, but I have generally slept with them on the first chance I got

With my wife, we met online, talked for a while, phoned and exchanged pictures, and I invited her to meet me in person at an art gallery. I was fully expecting to go home after, but she invited me to dinner and I stayed over. As others have said - don't plan too much.

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ShaniFaye

When you both wanna do it, do it, time is inconsequential IMO

Dave and I had sex the day we met, which was our first date, together now for 5 years, married for 3 and other than when he's been out of the country for his job we have not been apart since that very first date.

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curiousbear

generalizations are false.
depends individual. who knows you can even start with sex and end up as bf/gf. Or you can take couple of years and after sex it may wither off.

Yellow Tulip

Oooo, painful!!

skizziks

I was gonna suggest 8.5 minutes after initial contact. Otherwise, I agree with Vanblah (except I've never had sex within minutes of meeting anyone)

Ayashe

After leaving the cesspool that is commonly known as high school, I have long since decided that the right time is when it comes.

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undtektid

yeah good call I agree....

I just fished up with a tough relationship to say the least...
Now I'm finaly able to seriously start on my path...thankfully!!

I think people don't stop to realize somwtimes that they don't really require
a spouse...

Everyone is different I guess or are they??

Starkizzer

I think it all depends on the relationship and the person.

We waited a year but it was the first time so...

For others tho, once you have broken the seal it should be when feel comfortable to do so.
I'm not sure how long I would wait if I ever entered a second relationship(crosses fingers and hopes that will be never) but I have a feeling that it wouldn't take me nearly as long but probably longer than most.

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toxic515

Wait until they're mostly undressed, and preferably in a semi-private place. Otherwise, it's kind of inconvenient.

If you have a set of rules for this sort of thing that are rigid, I think you're robbing yourself of opportunity for enrichment. It depends entirely on the situation, and the person. Wait until you're BOTH comfortable, or at least willing to set aside some of the discomfort for fun or adventure, or love...

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World's King

I wait till after at least three drinks...

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genuinegirly

If you're ready, wait until she is ready. If she's ready but you're not, wait until you are.

I tend to get attached. I wait until I know the person is a good, kind person that I'll want to have around for a while.

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levite

I will add my voice to those who have said that it varies from individual to individual, relationship to relationship.

I think it is generally counterproductive to worry about establishing a (if you will forgive the expression) hard and fast rule about when it "the right time" to start having sex. It is probably more useful to just keep in touch with your feelings, and with the status of the most important facets of any relationship-- confidence in trust, proven communication, and healthy synergy-- in the relationship at hand, and when it feels right to move forward, do so. There isn't necessarily any right or wrong answer.

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Amaras

It varies, but here is what I think...

Wait at least one time more than you want to.
What does that mean?
When your going hot and heavy, and the first time seems imminent, hold off 'til the next date.

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filtherton

Why wait until you've met someone to have sex with them?

high_jinx

if it's you, take the time you need. if it's more her holding out, my general rule of thumb is 3 dates. after that, it starts to feel like i'm being played.

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LordEden

I at least wait till she wakes up.

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Xerxys

BLAST IT!!

Ooop's, did I say that out loud, sorry..... ehhh, yeah me too..........

But Really I have to agree with the cop out rule, it's when you get the ..... I don't know... Vibe?!?!?! ..... yeah, that's it the feeling that all ius well.

Or when she jumps your bones, that can be good too.

lostgirl

Quote:
Originally Posted by SabrinaFair View Post
I'm gonna go with the cop-out answer and say, "When it feels right." I'm more of a case-by-case kind of gal; not so much a fan of bright-line rules. With my most recent ex, we hopped in the sack pretty quickly. (OK, very quickly) We ended up dating for three years. Other fellows, it's been much longer. It depends on the circumstances of the relationship, what you want from it, the comfort level between the two of you, etc. The way I see it, any fellow who dumps me for sleeping with him too soon is an asshole unworthy of my time, anyhow. And any fellow who won't wait until I'm comfortable getting down....well, he's an asshole too.

Like on many issues, I'm have to agree with Snowy and Sabrina here. It's always different and shouldn't matter. As long as it feels right and nobody feels pressured into anything.

It can be trouble thou, if you sleep with someone too soon, and then find out what a horrible person they are after. That can happen even after a few months, because most people tend not to show their bad side right away.

Frosstbyte

That is a beautiful thing right there, filth. Well played.

My wife and I had sex within an hour of meeting in person for the first time, maybe a bit longer. I tend to think sex gets put on more of a pedestal than is really necessary, which isn't to say you should just fuck anyone anytime, but I don't think you need to spend time worrying about when it's the "right" time. If you want to jump the guy and he's ok with it, break out the condom and let filth fly.

Anormalguy

Filth? Maybe I'm ignorant, but I've never heard sex referred to as filth. Is this a new term?

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Frosstbyte

The first filth was me being lazy and abbreviating filtherton. The second one was just a figure of speech for getting down and dirty, though not necessarily sexual. You're not missing some newfangled slang term all the hip and with it kids are using.

Cynosure

After my divorce, during my early 30's, I dated around for a five-year period. With the women I ended up having sex with (eight, total), half of those were on the 1st or 2nd date, and the other half strictly adhered to the "3rd date = have sex" rule. (A rule I had not been aware of, at first, in my early 30's and post-divorce, having gotten married so young and thus formerly having only dated as a teenager.)

So, according to my experience: on the 1st or 2nd date, if she isn't really interested in you long-term and/or if she has "loose" morals (wink, grin); otherwise, by the 3rd date.