Withholding sex from your partner (looking for perspectives)
 

Hey guys and gals!

In a recent conversation with my girlfriend, the topic of withholding sex came up. I was a little bit shocked to hear that she feels that it is okay to intentionally withhold sex. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes we just aren't in the mood (though I make a point to never reject my partner) but I also feel that it is important to esure your partner feels (mostly) fulfilled whenever possible.

So here is what I would like to hear: what are your thoughts on withholding sex? Have you ever done it? Have you been on the receiving end of this? How have you dealt with the topic?

Don't be shy :).

Thank you for your thoughts and replies.

My opinion: Once you intentionally withhold sex, (or, on the flip side, grant out of the ordinary sex in a negotiation, like "buy/do this for me and I'll perform sexual act X on you" etc) then you are using sex as a bartering tool or commodity. (since withholding sex implies "Do X and you can get it back").

There is a word for people who use sexual acts as a commodity. This word is prostitute.

No, I do not think it is OK to withhold sex from my SO for any reason. He has been told anytime he wants it, he can have it. I don't care if we are fighting or anything. I even told him the best way to stop a fight is to start stripping. He Knows I cannot resist jumping on him, it doesn't matter how upset I am, I will go for it.

Angry/emotional sex is very hot.

Intentionally withholding sex to alter the behavior of one's partner is not healthy for a relationship, in my opinion. I would go so far as to say that it is a form of extortion and could very easily backfire. When transactions take place in a relationship that are born out of a desire for a specific result, without consideration for the partner, it probably won't lead anywhere but downhill from there, since you've opened the door for them to do the same to you in the future. It's thoroughly unpleasant and inconducive to love.

If we start with the principle that human relationships should be genuine, then it follows pretty obviously that manipulating affections to gain advantage is inconsistent with that ideal, whether those are sexual, platonic or somewhere in between.

That said, the OP threw a two-word phrase out there and so far three posters projected the conniving bitch scenario onto it.

Is it really such a far-fetched idea that someone might intentionally regulate the availability of sex to make their partner want it more, and that both partners may well get a perfectly healthy charge out of it?

I was operating under the assumption that the withholding of sex was done without consideration for the partner and his or her well-being and without open discussion. Even with the intention of increasing the desire for sex, I believe that it is fundamentally wrong for that to be done without acceptance by the partner. Lacking proper communication, you are opening up room for the partner to interpret your actions in a negative light, so they could potentially believe that you are withholding sex for selfish reasons or through a lack of desire for them.

That's called foreplay.

i don't like withholding sex.. just because you're mad or you feel the relationship has gotten awkward or forced doesn't mean you should withold sex because it only intensifies the problem. :T why can't people just make love and get along?

My theory is why punish myself? Withholding sex from my partner means I ain't gettin' any. And that's unacceptable.

I'm very sour about this subject. Some women will withhold sex if it is an issue of pride. If they feel like giving you sex is allowing you to take advantage of them, even though you are in a relationship together, they won't do it. This could be because they've been hurt before and do not trust easily.

That sounds to me like those women don't have a very healthy relationship with sex. Like they believe it's inherently a bad thing to do. Maybe those women aren't ready to be having sex if they think of it that way.

If either partner automatically expects sex without putting forth some effort, & the other partner feels used, then I can see withholding sex to make a point, as long as the person feeling used explains how they feel & why.

If the withholding is over typical couple disagreements & squabbles, then no.

If the withholding is planned to force the other person into something, that's a serious problem.

My ex did this to me near the end of our relationship. I went along with it under the misguided impression that it would actually mend whatever issues were between us. How wrong I was. :(

But in her defense (she'd double-over with laughter if she ever saw this), I wanted more sex than she was really comfortable giving. It was a bad scene and there are days that I'm glad it's over. Now I just need to find someone who is comfortable with the level of sex I'm interested in.

I agree with some of the others here that withholding sex is not a good thing, unless there is enough communication and understanding to justify it.

The "bad scene" is: one person is "wanting" and the other is "giving".

If I were a mechanic and I were looking under your relationship's hood, this is where I'd point and say, "well there's yer problem!"

*sigh* yes. i know. that's what kills me every single day. but i don't think i can change how much I want sex. better yet, i don't think i /should/ change. then i wouldn't be me...or something.

i'll be seeking professional advice for this soon.

I had one girl try this on me. We had been arguing for close to a month regarding many different issues. Everytime I went out with my friends she instantly assumed I went home with a chick, I never did and would get angry on her accusations.

She withheld sex from me in order to teach me a lesson. I told her if that's the way things were I'd go F- some chick and make it worthwhile.

Needless to say it didn't work to her plans, it pissed me off more than anything she had done to that point.

I'm not saying it's an issue with you personally (though it's interesting you heard it like that). I'm saying that's an unhealthiness in the relationship.

Awesome perspectives so far gang! Thanks for your replies.

I see how some have considered the withholding to be something to enhance the desire for sex - I am with you on that but I think it should only last a few hours at most. In this case however, it is not intended as a form of fore-play. I believe it to be in the malicious "I am going to punish you" sense.

I totally agree with everyone who remarked that it is a very quick way to kill a relationship. I mean, we are expected to be monogamous (well, most of us anyways:o) yet our partner punishes us by refusing sex?! How does that work out?

I also agree that it seems kinda stupid to punish your partner whilst inflicting (one would assume) the same punishment on yourself. This of course assumes that the partner withholding enjoys the sex - if not, then I suppose they really aren't suffering.

Ok .. so I really didn't mean to bias any opinions by spouting my own so I'll leave it at that.

Now let me ask you, my fellow TFPers, what (if any) reaction / reciprocal "declaration of relationship war" would you say matches the withholding of sex?
(I realize that it is childish and serves no helpful purpose to escalate a negative response solely for the purpose of revenge .. but lets just suspend the morality for a moment)

I've never with held sex as a form of coercion that I can think of.

I have had it done to me though. It seems to me that all that does is cause more resentment and tension in the relationship then was already present due to the original issue over which the with holding was a consequence of.

My response was nothing too drastic - I didn't comment on it after I was told that it was an intentional withdrawal and established it was over something neither of us was willing to compromise on (he wanted me to drop out of uni and move to the other side of the country with him because he had a long term contract over there ) I just ignored it - found it's extremely hard for your partner to ignore you lying next to them in bed and taking the matter into your own hands.

I really can't think of anything I would do as a reprisal - I'm not in my day life a very confrontational person luckily I can't imagine my SO doing anything like withholding sex from me.

My night-life persona however would probably be much more aggressive about it - start exploiting the erotic weaknesses of the person I was with - trying to tick as many of their little turn on boxes as I can. Turn my partner on as much as possible then if / when they make a move just point out the fact that they're meant to be withholding sex from me.

Very petty though.

My ex wife witheld sex, until I explained that was damaging what ws left of our tattered relationship; she agreed with me.

So she stoppd witholding it and went and had it with someone else. :orly:

Ouch!

I would never withhold sex from my partner purposefully. Why would I do that to my partner if I love and cherish them?

What if you loved and cherished them.. but did not trust them?

To use sex as a tool other than to create life or bond with your lover is wrong to me. I won't barter myself like a whore, of course I am excluding playful toying from this. I will not say that I would be inclined to hop in the sack with a lover who just violated something important within our relationship, but I feel that is a separate issue than purposefully withholding sex. If you are having issues, dealing with the issues is of far greater importance than worrying if you got your rocks off. If you are just saying no, rolling over and never confronting you problems.. that is definitely the beginning of a long roll downhill.

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Wow, whats going on here, people, this discussion has been done before >> Link1 << and >> Link2 << .
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I honestly think with holding sex for something works well, on me that is, it's a bad thing but ladies, it works on me!!!

Intentionally? I wouldn't do it. Seems calculating, cold, and hurtful.

Have I not had sex with a partner because I'm upset with them and so can't get in the mood? Yes.

I have never not had sex with someone to piss them off or teach them a lesson. What I have done is turned away from sex with a partner because they have seriously upset me and are unresponsive to my concerns. It's not a conscious decision - it's that, when I feel that way, I really don't want to have sex with them, it's a turn off.

I agree, it is the same way for me.

I couldn't love and cherish someone--truly love and cherish someone--unless I trusted them.

If there was an argument, 24 hour withholding is acceptable. After that, you better make up and move on. Few issues should cause that big of a riff between a couple. Besides if you just had a fight, do you really want to have sex with your partner?

Yeah, things may have been discussed before, but you know what? Discussions often take different paths each time they occur. Besides, its not like the internet has a finite number of message board threads that we have to conserve ;)

Nah, not really, I'm a talkaholic and the expressions and explanations may change, but all I hear is an echo of what they thought previously!! Does that make me bad?!?!:sad:

No, only lacking perspective :p :) /tease

I think there's a very broad spectrum of fulfilling and healthy relationships, and while some might find it repulsive, others would thrive on the drama and game of it. That said...

- it's definitely skewed against men because in general what they are in a relationship for to begin with is steady reliable affection, while women tend to seek attention. Not a very even trade-off there since the woman gets plenty of attention in an argument. it's definitely a viable weapon, but it can be a double edged sword in the way it leaves the man vulnerable to things like disloyalty and escalation and triangles.

I'd say the most important thing is to set the bar very early on if you expect to have sex on cue in a relationship. or you might be lucky and get with a mate who's backround or culture demands sex be delivered regardless of conflicts... they're out there :P

personally, i see the sexual relationship as the foundation and whole point of monogamy, and if someone came at me from that angle, it would be a deal-breaker.

My wife and I never ever ever play that game. It's simply unacceptable.

But I've always wanted to use this line: " I've set a goal of 10 times a week. How many should I pencil you in for? "

Or, you can't cut me off if you don't know where I am getting it.

HA,
Anyway, sex as a weapon is an efficient way to sabotage a relationship. As far as I am concerned it's the same as withholding food or drink from someone you SHOULD care about.

I think it's okay if the lack of sex stems directly from a lack of desire to HAVE sex.

For instance, say that my SO does something that pisses me off SO badly, I simply have a hard time wanting him to even TOUCH me. Just one of those really seething, angry scenarios where you don't want to LOOK at him for a day or two. Or maybe it's even a slow-boil type thing, where his lack of consideration or failure to meet you halfway on something festers until you're just . . . completely annoyed with them. In that case, when they CAN'T turn you on because the conflict has not yet been put to rights, I do believe it's okay to withhold sex because I believe everyone has the right not to have sex if they honestly don't want to.

That's not the same as being horned up beyond belief, yet not fucking your partner because he won't buy you a diamond ring, or left the toilet seat up. I'm talking about a genuine emotional cockblock because of an unresolved issue.