I'm Terrible At Sex And Need Help
 

Sex is so bad for me I much prefer just masturbating. I lost my virginity this past summer and have been with 2 girls in my life. Both girls it's been the same. I just can't keep it up. When I'm alone, I can keep my dick as hard as a rock, but when I'm with a girl, it just doesn't work out. I think it has a lot to do with how much porn I watch and how much I masturbate. But with the girl I'm with, I've held off masturbating for days, and then when I'm with her, my dick just doesn't cooperate.

Well what exactly is the problem? Premature ejaculation or impotence?

Sounds like you're nervous as hell. Drink 2 beers. Regular ones, not light.

Impotence. But I know my penis is capable. I'm in good health and in my early 20s.

just relax.

maybe you don't like girls?

maybe you need Viagra?

...it's probably just nerves. I vote for the beers.

A bit more background information may help.

If it's nerves then be sure to take things slow and start with a nice long session of foreplay to break the tension and extend the experience.

But what's between your legs shouldn't be the only weapon in your arsenal - if you feel you can't perform then why not exercise your oral skills? Then once the tension breaks you can weed whack away.

performance anxiety and porn expectations I'm guessing. Give it time and find a nice girl who is patient. Things can and will improve, just keep trying...no harm in that ;)

Is she ugly? Serious question.

1. Do it in dark until you really get used to this girl.
2. Do it even if it is semi hard, it gets harder once you are inside.
3. Smell her down, that may help.
4. Try playing PORN on TV or a slide show on LCD when you are doing (if the girl is ok about it)
5. If you try same position, same style everytime fix that
6. If you always come sooner than her and if that is what bothering you, masturbate her to orgasm even before intercourse

hope it helps

Foreplay goes well, I'm hard, I get the condom on, no problem, then I go inside of her and after a few thrusts, I go limp.
I think I'm going to give up porn and just keep at it. As long as she doesn't bail on me. :thumbsup:

Can you feel anything with the condom on?

I used condoms at the beginning and it was hard to bust a nut. I was 16 at the time and had no problems staying hard, but damn I could barely feel anything that makes a vagina the glorious creation that it is. She was on the pill, so we ditched condoms. Problem solved.

If you have to used condoms, get some of the super thin types. I have heard good things about them, but I have never used them.

I second the no condom advice (so long as she's on the pill). I tried it with a condom once. Couldn't feel a damned thing. I was in there for like 45 minutes. Problem solved otherwise.

Are you on any medications?

Have you considered baby steps? Go down on her and then maybe get a HJ. Do it again, and then get a BJ. You get used to stimulating her, learn her ins and outs, and you also get the benefit of external stimulation that doesn't quite match the pressure of a vagina. Win win.

If you're going flacid after just a few thrusts, something tells me the condom isn't the problem. Can she keep you hard with oral stimulation?

I admit to being perplexed. When I first started premature ejaculation was a problem, but that went away with experience.

Edit--Plus one for Will's advice.

I thought the rest of the points were good but what does this one mean? :oogle:

It means we love the way a girl smells down there (and nearly anywhere) ;)

I run my nose from her neck all the way down, and I love every second of it.

OP, Try thinking of something naughty/nasty that gets you off, then see if that helps. If need be, do that naughty/nasty act, she might like it and you already know you will :)

find yourself a fetish.

At the risk of sounding insanely conservative, my suggestion is that you establish a trusting, open, and honest relationship with the girl before you attempt coitus. I'm just saying.

I have the same symptoms, soma. I'm in a 'trusting, open and honest relationship' of almost 4 years, as above, and I have tried abstaining from masturbation and porn to no avail.

I blame the condom entirely. If you ever get a chance to go at it without a condom, you'll see. It's nearly impossible for me to stay hard for the entire duration with a condom on, and I can feel almost nothing. I wish I could help, but I feel the same way sometimes. The only real 'solution' is to find another type of birth control.

As for the 'super thin' condoms mentioned above, please do tell.

EDIT: Also, try not to take it as a hit against your "manliness". It gets really depressing when you start to feel that its a failure on your part to be a "man." Value your manliness in other ways too, and it'll be a lot easier to deal with.

I would not advise putting on porn, lest you have an addiction to it; which seems kind of plausible.

I don't know man. Maybe you are gay? Maybe she's ugly? Maybe you're depressed? Maybe you have an undiscovered fetish?

Give us more.

If they're still in production, I remember the Avanti line by Durex as being especially thin and allowing for the most sensation.

I second this, once I realized I love feet my whole world came into perspective.

Dude, here's the thing, your not bad at sex, just new, experience will make it better and also, your not addicted to porn, just jacking off, if you must, do it without porn.

Don't watch porn for the next couple of days, I'm not saying stop now, I'm saying desensitize yourself, schedule when your gonna do it, and make it in between short times, if you missed it, like the bus, it's already gone, you'll have to wait till next time. I swear to god this worked for me.

And the condoms, they're also very crappy!!

Durex Avanti have been discontinued, and replaced with Durex Avanti Utima which are the same thinckness as any other regular latex condom (about 0.065mm).

A normal "thin/fine/sheer/sensitive" condom i made from a finer grade of latex and is around 0.050mm thick - there are several brands available.

The thinnest condoms in general use are polyurethane ones sold in the US as Trojan Supra - they cost about 5 times as much as latex condoms, but are about 0.025mm thick.

They don't stretch like latex though so feel very different.

Coming out of the lurk to give in two cents...
 

I've been dealing with the same issue for years and it seems to be getting better.
Here is what has been helping me.

The first thing you should do stop masturbating. Or rather stop using what sex columnist Dan Savage calls the "Vulcan Death Grip" when you masturbate. It decreases your sensitivity and makes it harder to come. Try to hold off as long as you can until you can be with actual woman. When you do masturbate use a Fleshlight . Don't get the tightest one. Try to set it up so that you don't user your hands. I personally use it by sticking it between my mattress and box spring.

The point is to disassociate your orgasm with what you were doing for the last however many years you've been doing it. I personally had spent most of my life jerking off in bed on my back using my hand. As soon as I started having sex, I would lose my erection.

Using a Fleshlight in the way I described, puts me on my knees and a close normal sexual thrusting position. It also gets your hands disassociated with your orgasm.

As for condoms, I personally like the Crown's Skinless Skin Condoms. Ultrathin and very strong as well as transmit heat very very well. Luckily I live in a city where there are a lot of sex shops that have it available. After you get used to a "look ma no hands" orgasm with your fleshlight, you can try it out with the condom.


But most of all....From the movie Bull Duram: STOP THINKING! It can only hurt the team.

Again, I can only speak from my experience, but I'm sure others will agree, that when you do anything and are not thinking things work the best. Its like driving manual transmission. If I think about shifting smoothly I fuck up. If I don't think about shifting at all, my driving is smooth. But don't even think "wow that feels good" Moan, hum, grunt anything but words. I think that once you get that part of your brain engaged you start wandering off like JD in Scrubs and stop living in the moment.

Hope this helps

Laudanum

Just bought a box of 36, so let's hope you're right. :thumbsup::eek:
-----Added 8/10/2008 at 06 : 14 : 26-----
Laudanum, I hope you stick around and post some more. I'm glad you did here, and I think your post was enlightening, particularly your analogy to the manual transmission. I just recently (2 weeks) got a new manual trans car, and it's taking a while to get used to. It certainly does suffer when I think about it. :)

Thanks Jinn. If there's one thing that I can share, its terrible sex!

L.

the whole thing?

Yes, the whole thing. It basically plastic case around a faux flesh vagina. If you don't use the plastic case, there no support to hold it in place.

Just don't forget to remove the top cap so you can stick your penis in it :p

I'm not sure this will help, but there are some basic health questions to get out of the way. It is a pretty simple biological hydraulic system.

1. Do you exercise? Start doing more aerobic, long duration stuff.
2. Do some kegal exercises two or three times a day. Maybe when ever you get in your car.
3. Anti-depressants? SSRIs can make it tough to orgasm or stay hard, but it usually goes soft after 3-5 minutes.
4. Have you checked your blood pressure? It's more difficult for me to stay hard when my blood pressure goes up above 140/90.
5. What are you thinking about during sex? ("Don't go soft, don't go soft, don't go soft"???) Are you worried that it will happen the next time? Focus on how good it feels.
6. Are you circumcised? Use medical tape to cover the glans during the day and nights you aren't with her. It will increase sensitivity.
7. Do you masturbate fast or slow? Is it a similar speed to sex?

To answer some questions

I'm not on any meds

I don't exercise regularly

I'm uncircumcised

I'm not depressed

I have the trojan brand thinnest condom (with the first girl I was with, switching to the thin condoms helped, but now, it's just no good)

The girl isn't super hot, but she's not terrible either (she hasn't been with any guys with this problem, and it seems like she's been with a fair amount)

Thanks for all the advice so far.

Have you ever masturbated or gotten a handjob while wearing a condom?

What about question #5? Do you think it might be a mental issue?

Yeah, I actually tried masturbating with a condom last week. I was able to get off without any problems in front of the computer, so I know I'm physically capable of getting off with a condom on.

I've heard some guys being allergic to latex, or spermicidal condoms, but most likely it's a combination of using a condom and nerves or even something subconscious. It also may have to do with being circumcised. Just ask your Dr.

It actually sounds to me like there is some anxiety.
just relax.
Don't place any pressure on yourself, and try talking to her about...your feelings.
What is she like? Is she open to you? Emotionally?
I personally can say with some experience that as a 'sensitive' type, if I am not with a like-minded girl that is just as 'into it' as I am, it becomes a drag, if you see what i mean.
Also, don't look for your fetish. It will find you eventually.

Masturbate less.
Do you have any fetishes that prevent you from enjoying *normal* sex?
What areas are you not lacking in, sexually?

Since you have no problems using your hands with a condom, probably you aren't using one that is too tight and cutting off circulation. Or maybe it is too tight, but you can still feel with your hands. I don't have a penis, but I am going to guess that being inside a woman provides less physical pressure than hands do.

See if you do okay with her using her hands, with and without a condom. If you have the same reaction with her hands as you do inside her, maybe it's nerves? Trust issues?

If you don't have any problems with her using her hands ... maybe concerns of pregnancy are putting a stop on things? Are you afraid of the dark? (don't laugh, I'm serious ... I knew someone whose SO had this fear of sending his privates into a place he couldn't see, but using hands worked.)

BTW if you worry alot about losing it, you can worry yourself into losing it.

Does the idea of her having been with a fair amount of other men bother you?

Do you think about that as you start to fuck?

Are you thinking about how your performance will rank against her other experiences?

These thoughts certainly can kill a hard-on.

I maintain that this is a nerve issue and can be cured with a low-moderate amount of alcohol. Or just getting over it.

Well, mental leads to physical in some cases...

Soma, what you could do is to get some pills like Cialis and use them. As your confidence builds, you can start lowering the dose.

NOTE: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV

Laudanum.

Laudanum, amazing post. If only I had heard this advise 3 years ago... I got better very very slow with experience.

OP, you will definitely get through this.

One last advise, sometimes you can be on your back and enourage your girl to ride on you....

OMG :lol: If he wasn't dwelling on all of this before, I hope he doesn't start now.

But you have a point.

So does Halx.

i cant believe you a fleshlight...


is that really the answer? really? its obviously a nerve issue, as is most impotence problems. stop freaking out and relax. maybe talk to her and explain that the plumbing works. maybe start at different things rather than getting straight into it.

Bingo. You're so used to your hand that a vagina doesn't have the same affect. You need to let go, literally. The moment you become used to sex instead of the solo routine, things will get better.

I'm voting for the relaxing idea. I know it isn't easy but you just have to take things slow. Maybe talk to her about it. If you're really having a problem go talk to a doctor. They can prescribe something for you to try. One try might just fix it all. It's really just about confidence.

Well...its going to make any meetups interesting I suppose....

I had to do something. I realized that I'm getting older and that there were several problems I have to fix with myself.

The point of using it is to not use your hand. Not only does the "death grip" mess you up but also the speed you do it as well. If your jacking off with a death grip and furiously doing it as well. Where the hell can you have that kind of tightness and speed? Jackhammer anal position? How many partners are going to let you do that in the first bedroom tango?

If they do...marry em!

I still think it's mental. I do the death grip (lol) every day and still have no problem getting off with my wife in traditional sex (no fetishes in other words) even after I've already jerked that day. BTW I'm 32, so it's not like I have that 21yo hard-dick syndrome.

after years of masturbation I still cum fast and feel great insider her. but sometimes it just doesnt work. two days ago i never got hard. But sometimes I go three rounds and make her say 'it is too much to take'. In my case I strongly suspect physical fitness, healthy bloodflow, and a fresh clear mind....

Have you tried using some lube inside the condom? The lube dramatically adds sensitivity especially if it's applied around the sulcus before putting on the condom.

I have experienced a similar problem & now use viagra .. problem solved ... now u have to decide whether to tell her you're using V or keep it to yourself .. that introduces the conscience again. ...

using Viagara will put one in to that dependency? Is there any side effects?

hilarious yet great advice!

I drank some beers ahead of time and it helped. Still struggling though. I was feeling her insides with my hand and it felt amazing. Then I stick my dick and there and I felt nothing. At one point I wasn't wearing a condom and just rubbing my head on her pus lips, and still didn't feel much. I really think my dick is super desensitized from masturbating too much.

soma, now i think it should be your porn expectations

Do you directly rub on the glans during masturbation?
If you are not circumcized, rub the glans only under the foreskin during masturbation. I think that may retain the sensitivity

When I masturbate, I pull the foreskin over the head of my dick and just go back and forth. So when I masturbate, it's basically like my dick is fucking my foreskin (if that makes any sense)

unless the viagra affects your partner in any way, then i see no need to tell the other party. it will increase confidence, and hopefukly when he's off them he wont needthem any longer. but soma, go see a dr bud. theres no shame or stigma in it

and for goodness sake, put a sock on it even BEFORE you make any genital contact. you can still get many types of STI's from mere contact between the genitalia.

I concur.

My belief is the girl doesn't know how to get you going, and you don't know how to get her going. Loosen up kid. Laugh at your dick. Slap her in the ass with it. :D

It sounds like the right way to do it. I'm kind of at a loss for what to do next. If you don't have a condom on and your foreskin is pulled back, you should feel a lot when rubbing it on her lips. At least if you do it softly it should be really sensitive...

Soma- then you should suggest to her to maybe use her lips (or even just a little teeth) to bring the foreskin up & down. But....would that help you keep aroused during sex, ya think?

I'll bet it's anxiety combined with unattractive mates. Some people are just more picky than others and watching all that porn doesn't help your image of beauty.

OK, so I got the box of Supras yesterday and it says on the box that a "study is ongoing" and that pregnancy prevention rates with Supra condoms is unknown. That's a little bit scary. Anyone happen to know anything about the study?

...and make sure the two of you can laugh a lot when together, esp. when you are both naked and having nice foreplay! If you can feel like you both are having FUN, it might help a lot!!

(it's not a contest after all - is it?) Relax and joke around some....it will help!

PS - Good luck!

QTF
Follow the doctors orders and you should be fine, just don't overdo it.

OT:
Being nervous is a pain in the be-hind when it comes to sex and can create some very weird situations. Be careful so you don't end up in a downward spiral, the more nervous you are the less your bald buddy cooperates, the less he cooperates the more nervous you become.

Using a couple of beers or a glass of wine to relax you a bit, is a very good idea as long as you don't overdo it. Just make sure to gradually cut down on the consumption so that you don't end up in a situation where you have to have alcohol in your blood to be able to perform.

Great advice!

the beers are in the fridge and she's coming over tomorrow. wish me luck.
I'll post an update if i have time

Remember.. only TWO. One and a half if they're not light. Don't get drunk off your ass or else you're not getting it up at all.

Sex is a two person show. Focus on your job-to get her off and have her focus on her job which is to get you off. If you don't get off-the only one that should feel bad is her. She needs to learn what pleases you-don't be afraid to tell her or show her and you need to find what pleases her. If you don't feel anything when you are in her then different positions need to be tried, she may need to tighten her muscles around you when you are in her. Maybe she needs to give you a hand job until last minute and then you slip in for the final act. Whatever-but if you ain't feeling it then she is failing you!!!

And remember you focus on making her get off and chances are good her pleasure will excite you further.

Alright, things went really well yesterday. drinking a bit does help, but I did have to go pee a few times while we were going at it (i need to buy some liquor). And because i wasn't able to get off, we were going at it for about 40 minutes until I just got too bored heh heh. But yeah, my nerves are calming, and i'm getting used to the feeling of having a condom on. so all is getting better. It's my goal though to finally get to come inside of her, i might try what milyway suggests and beat it until the last moment and jam it in her.

Your goal is to finally come inside her? In a few years time you'll look back at this time and laugh, thinking of all the successful sex you've had. I'm sure it's just anxiety. When I look back at how it was with my first boyfriends in my late teens/early twenties, they were just the same, or came practically on penetration. It will get better, but don't agonize over it, justs try to relax.

I understand your problems because you sound almost exactly like i did when i first started having sex. one thing that helped me was to have good music going and to not focus on the end result of what your doing but rather to focus more on the girl in front of you. often times this problem is due to over thinking and expecting something to much and you psych yourself out of the pleasure. as for the porn, its not really been a problem for me because i learned something that helps is instead of using the computer try to get in the habit of picturing your partner because its basically practice for the real deal. most importantly though is don't stress, you'll be alright, all it takes is once to get over that hill and then your rolling with no problems. as for the condoms its way better without it so asking your girlfriend to get on birth control may benefit because for uncircumcised guys its like having two layers instead of one.

I have a similar problem. Things go fine without a condom, but as soon as it goes on, instant deflation. Alcohol makes it worse, a.k.a. "Whisky Dick".