I don't feel jealous and that's a problem - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

gold.phone · 08-18-2008, 05:55 AM

I'm not sure if this should be in Tilted Living or Sexuality, I'm not sure which is most appropriate for relationship advice.

I recently realized that I was not jealous of my girlfriend. I was not jealous when her male friend mentions his sex-life to her, I was not jealous of her male friends, I was not jealous when she comments that Brad Pitt is good looking. Realizing I wasn't jealous was a complete 'holy shit' moment for me, I realized that I trusted her totally and was so happy to tell her that I trusted her completely and that I knew it was just me and her.

She said she was quite surprised at this and that occasionally she would like me to be a bit jealous. I said that I am not jealous, but I am in love with her and will step in if any guy is acting inappropriately. I'm not saying I'm going to punch anyone, I'll just not sit there timidly.

Lately she has casually mentioned that she went to a bar with a male friend a week or so ago, or that her male friend put eye drops in her eye as they were dry, or that a male bartender told her about what he gets up to with his girlfriend. This normally wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she casually mentions these things days or weeks after they happen.

Is she trying to make me jealous? I'm a bit muddled here and I'm not sure what to do. If she is trying to make me jealous by doing things she knows I wouldn't like because I don't want to encourage this and pander to it (I don't like mind games), but if she's not then I don't want to accuse her of anything.

We're briefly in a long distance relationship but she is coming back in two months so I can't talk to her face to face. I'm worried that she is hesitant about coming back.

I know that I will talk to her about this and be honest as soon as possible. But I'm just asking for any advice on how to deal with this and whether asking straight out 'are you trying to make me jealous?' is too confrontational, and I guess whether anyone else has experienced this.

Thank you.

Edit: I know I said that I don't like mind games and I like honesty and I'm aware that posting this is basically doing both of those things. I can't make excuses for it, I know I'm being hypocritical and I don't like it.

Edit 2: I don't know if this is obvious but I'll add that these things are making me jealous whereas they wouldn't have before. I don't know whether to call her out on playing mind games or start showing my jealousy - both of which I can't help but think are quite destructive.

jewels · 08-18-2008, 07:42 AM

No matter how much we all profess to hating game playing, some will always go on; it's a natural part of the dance, no matter how communicative we think we are. We're just not perfect, that's all.

It's great that you've had that moment of realization, but it appears she's not in the same place you are. She hasn't reached that level yet and is waiting for the ritual male behavior/response. Trust can take time for women that have been too trusting of the wrong person at one time.

Personally, I don't think asking will get you the answer you want. My guess is she wouldn't be ready to admit that she was trying to force a response from you, so you might want to consider a careful approach to the subject.

speshul-k · 08-18-2008, 10:01 AM

I have the same outlook, in fact my last GF at the time hated that I was not jealous.
Ironically it was my lack of jealousy of her that led to our sort of demise.

Yet, I'm not going to be changing anytime soon, its just not in my nature.

08-18-2008, 05:55 AM	#1 (permalink)
gold.phone Upright	I don't feel jealous and that's a problem I'm not sure if this should be in Tilted Living or Sexuality, I'm not sure which is most appropriate for relationship advice. I recently realized that I was not jealous of my girlfriend. I was not jealous when her male friend mentions his sex-life to her, I was not jealous of her male friends, I was not jealous when she comments that Brad Pitt is good looking. Realizing I wasn't jealous was a complete 'holy shit' moment for me, I realized that I trusted her totally and was so happy to tell her that I trusted her completely and that I knew it was just me and her. She said she was quite surprised at this and that occasionally she would like me to be a bit jealous. I said that I am not jealous, but I am in love with her and will step in if any guy is acting inappropriately. I'm not saying I'm going to punch anyone, I'll just not sit there timidly. Lately she has casually mentioned that she went to a bar with a male friend a week or so ago, or that her male friend put eye drops in her eye as they were dry, or that a male bartender told her about what he gets up to with his girlfriend. This normally wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she casually mentions these things days or weeks after they happen. Is she trying to make me jealous? I'm a bit muddled here and I'm not sure what to do. If she is trying to make me jealous by doing things she knows I wouldn't like because I don't want to encourage this and pander to it (I don't like mind games), but if she's not then I don't want to accuse her of anything. We're briefly in a long distance relationship but she is coming back in two months so I can't talk to her face to face. I'm worried that she is hesitant about coming back. I know that I will talk to her about this and be honest as soon as possible. But I'm just asking for any advice on how to deal with this and whether asking straight out 'are you trying to make me jealous?' is too confrontational, and I guess whether anyone else has experienced this. Thank you. Edit: I know I said that I don't like mind games and I like honesty and I'm aware that posting this is basically doing both of those things. I can't make excuses for it, I know I'm being hypocritical and I don't like it. Edit 2: I don't know if this is obvious but I'll add that these things are making me jealous whereas they wouldn't have before. I don't know whether to call her out on playing mind games or start showing my jealousy - both of which I can't help but think are quite destructive. Last edited by gold.phone; 08-18-2008 at 06:05 AM..

08-18-2008, 07:42 AM	#2 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	No matter how much we all profess to hating game playing, some will always go on; it's a natural part of the dance, no matter how communicative we think we are. We're just not perfect, that's all. It's great that you've had that moment of realization, but it appears she's not in the same place you are. She hasn't reached that level yet and is waiting for the ritual male behavior/response. Trust can take time for women that have been too trusting of the wrong person at one time. Personally, I don't think asking will get you the answer you want. My guess is she wouldn't be ready to admit that she was trying to force a response from you, so you might want to consider a careful approach to the subject. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

08-18-2008, 10:01 AM	#3 (permalink)
speshul-k Insane	I have the same outlook, in fact my last GF at the time hated that I was not jealous. Ironically it was my lack of jealousy of her that led to our sort of demise. Yet, I'm not going to be changing anytime soon, its just not in my nature.