Problem with Girlfriend's ex
 

Hello everyone,

So here's the story, my girlfriend and I love each other very much. The thing is that she had an ex that they went out with for 3 years. Although shes over her ex, and hes moved away from us, I still feel troubled by him. First off, they were sexually active and her and I are also sexually active..but whenever I think about them doing it, I feel troubled. She first told me they did it once....then when I asked her again she said it was unwanted multiple times. Worse thing is that I got so curious that I looked in her email and found conversations about them 2 and how they love making love to each other. I know i'm being paranoid..but how can I cope with this? I love her really much and just want these bad feelings to go away...what should I do?

I know I just need to forget about him and focus on her and I but how will I know shes not comparing me to him?

or even better: how can I move on and forget about him?

Couple of questions;

1. Is this your first girlfriend?

2. Is this your...first...girlfriend?

3. Do you know the ex?

Ok, so it was a few questions. Sue me.

Dude are you 15? If you are going to be a functional person in a relationship you're going to need to recognize that your girl wasn't a virgin before you. Who cares where she was before, she's with you now.

Damn it, BOR beat me to ANOTHER thread.

Answer his questions, and I think you'll find some assistance.

warning, this is going to be harsh

you really dont need to be in a relationship if you havent learned that snooping around in her email is not the right nor the mature thing to do

would someone tell me how you can love someone soooo much and then invade their privacy like that?

Aw, I was pumped to spill some advice on this kid.

But come on guys, lets try to remember a time when you weren't the older, wiser versions of yourself.

Hey man, I went through this phase when I was really young, and maybe you're a late bloomer. If you are under 18 then you can't post here, sorry, but if you are then I would suggest the following. Talk to her. Listen to her. Think before acting. Grow up [and that isn't a mean GROW UP DOOFUS! and more of a grow up and learn from it].

+1 to shanifaye

just how old are you? that sort of paranoia i´d reserve for a 14 year old. obviously you don´t trust her at all.

rob,

i'd have zero confidence in you if i was her and dump you in a flash for doing shit like that.

I think you should go have sex with a random girl to spite her and her previously promiscuous ways.

It's really the only destructive behavior you could do here that you haven't already.

I think the trouble with a SO's exes can often be an extension of trust issues. I'm sure most people would like to think, I trust my SO, but it's his/her ex I don't trust!, but really unless you're worried about physical or emotional attacks from the individual, for which there are other options, it might be that you're still learning to trust your SO. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that, I mean you can't trust someone you just met, but if you've been together a while and you still don't trust them then you might want to figure out if that's either you being paranoid or them not actually being trustworthy.

Best of luck.

k guys....yeah I'm 18..I guess always a late bloomer :/

but this is how it went...she found out about the email crap...got mad...i was sincerely sorry had a long talk with her...but now things are good...long talk meaning a shit long of a talk.

any other advice at all? Cause I love her so to spend my whole life with her.
I know I shouldnt check her email...trust me.....not gonna do that again....idk I'm guessing I just have to know that she loves me and her ex is history right...and just focus on her and I?

Everybody has a past my friend. There's no escaping that. You either need to learn to accept that or most likely spend your life a paranoid lonely man.

I wouldn't put too much thought into who she's been with before and whether or not she's comparing you to them. She almost certainly is. The thing you need to remember is who she's dating now. There's a reason for that.

One piece of advice: Stay out of her e-mail, text messages, or anything else that's hers and not yours. Most people don't like privacy invasion no matter how close they are to the person invading. It's just bad news, and it's none of your business.

As long as you remain paranoid, possessive, and intrusive you won't be able to establish trust in this relationship. As long as you can't establish trust you won't be able to establish any kind of real connection either.

Just remember she's another person like you, not an item.

Ultimately her past is really none of your business unless she chooses to share it with you. You need to fully appreciate the fact that YOU invaded HER privacy by snooping in her email. If you are unable to accept that she had a life prior to meeting you break it off because you are not mature enough to handle a relationship at this point in your life.

I am not trying to be mean or cold hearted, just realistic.

Grow up.

Nobody bagging on the girlfriend for saying they only did it once, then coming back that they did it a few times but she didn't really want to?

meh. You're both too young and inexperienced in the ways of adult interaction to be thinking about "I love her so to spend my whole life with her".

Drop the past man. That's it. It isn't even your past.

I never thought I would be saying this...holy shit...

Dude, you got some growing up to do. If your girlfriend's past bothers you, you shouldn't be in a relationship, period. Most girls you will meet will have a past. If you freak out about every one, might as well be single. It's none of your business.

God, I feel dirty. Gonna go prepare for my midlife crisis in 28 years...

makes me think of clerks....

I'd be more concerned about the fact that she isn't honest. The past is the past, but I can't stand being with someone who lies to me, even if (sometimes ESPECIALLY if) it is to tell me what they think I want to hear instead of the truth.

+1

Borla:
Well that's a slippery slope. Have you never lied to a significant other? Bigger question, are you married, dating, or single? If married, and you have lied or not confessed something at all, would you be willing to come out with it just to get it off your chest? There comes a point when you have to let go of their past, and your own. Once one understands this, things like how many times a previous SO did your SO becomes somewhat trivial.

He's not been 100% with her either. He snooped her email. She didn't fess up to all the sex. So what? These are things young people do. One wants to know everything (curiosity killed the cat, remember that) and the other wants to spare his feelings. His nosiness is the stronger act (proactive snooping, not passive reading) and her's was wrong, but still relatively passive and perhaps even a non-issue. If the roles were reversed there would be different posts here (she's psycho, he's a pig...to some degree or another), but that is the double standard we all live with.

Being married for nearly 12 years, I can tell you that sometimes truths hurt more than lies. It is experience that gives you the ability to judge which is better for a given situation, and age that gives you the ability to be more prudent as you get older. 18 year olds will always screw up, and if the other person can understand that, then they can make it provided everything else is great. If they can't let it go, then it won't last.

With this in mind, our marriage is great now. We had a crazy time getting here and made some mistakes, but nothing that wasn't forgivable. When this topic comes up, I always think of Depeche Mode's Policy of Truth. The words to that are gospel for any relationship on the rocks.

She wasn't up front because she did not want you to think badly of her. Their relationship was for 3 years, it is not as though she was picking random guys from the bar all the time. It doesn't mean anything, in fact I think that it really is not an issue that should be openly discussed for the most part. I seriously hesitate when asked by a partner in answering how many partners that I have had. It is not that I feel it is an extreme figure at all. The issue is that so many men are quick to label a female as a slut/whore etc without factoring in that these relationships were longterm. Each relationship is different, each partnership is like a snowflake. Sex even with the same person is(or at least should be) unique in some way each time.

Look at it this way, she is with you now. You hold her for a reason, you provide to her something that makes her want to be with you and not him.

I suggest sticking with Thumbelina and her four sisters because you are fully aware of their past and they know exactly what you like.

If you have a problem with their past you are a lost cause.

yeah i think i'm insecure/clingy/all that other bullshit. I understand why I have these bad habits but know how to get rid of them

idk but I see what you guys are saying....no this isnt my first relationship..i've had others but maybe I'm understanding why they are failing.....yeah I know..loser...but hopefully it will work out with this one


but its all good, I'll work on getting rid of these bad habits of mine.... thx so much for the advice :)

What he said.
Did you read what you said before? That stuff about being ready to spend the rest of your life with her? You're young, you're mentally and emotionally immature, and you can't stand the thought of someone you love having been with someone else. She's with you , not her ex; there's a reason for that and if you can't trust someone you're in such a loving relationship with you shouldn't be in that relationship.

So is she bothered by the fact that you've slept with all these other girls?

didnt sleep with them...she was my first

hahahaha When is it that everyone here became a "say it bluntly" douche? Always one to defend, I have to say this is getting silly. Yeah, he has some growing up to do, but Rob isn't denying that. And repeating it over and over again isn't helping.

Maybe it's just me but there is advice to give here.

Rob: Hey man. Yeah, you do need to grow up a bit but who doesn't; we are all growing up all the time. Right now, you're at that point where relationships become a more important part of your life; you are almost in the position to learn how to share your life. I know you care about this girl but there are two ways to go right now.

a) You leave her; you're young, this is complicated, you're uncomfortable, and sex isn't everything.

b) Stay with her.

If we are gonna go with b) then here are a couple of things I'd suggest.

1) Work on yourself dude. Life is crazy; a constant test. Since time doesn't stop there is no time like the present to make yourself a better you; not to suggest that you aren't a great guy, in fact I mean to infer the opposite. You obviously don't think highly of yourself, at least not enough confidence to think that your current girlfriend wouldn't cheat on you, or that you aren't good enough to do this. I know you probably say it out loud, "I am confident" or at least with a little more subtly, but it's more about believing it. Believe in yourself and that will make the world go round.

2) Start talking to her more; not endless, loop filled, cyclical conversations that 18 year old guys have with their 18 year old girlfriends. This is where the growing up thing comes in. Part of growing up isn't just acting the part (serious relationship, job, house, etc) it's about understanding the importance of those things. So step up as a man and talk more; communication is the most important part of a relationship; trust me.

3) Be yourself. Don't change yourself. Become yourself more. Don't listen to assholes, on here or elsewhere, that tell you that you need to become a different person; just build on the person you already are.

Either way you're a nice guy man, and obviously want to fix and build. Just do it. That's growing up; just doing it, instead of talking about it.

- Taylor

hey thx alot taylor, i'll go with b and take your advice :)

I'm going to guess that you haven't been together long, and that's part of why this ex bothers you so? Do you think you would feel differently, less threatened if they had been together for 6 months instead of 3 years? Maybe it's just because she was your first, but you were not hers. It may help you to address that insecurity if you know why it exists.

I think most people have had failed relationships. Sometimes because we made mistakes, sometimes because we were just incompatible. That doesn't mean the people themselves are failures or losers. So don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us handled situations differently in the past then we would now. The trick is to learn from your own experiences. And when you can, the experiences of others. That's what growing is about, which most of us are doing. It sounds like you are trying to do that.

If you think you are insecure and clingy, it is good that you understand why. But does she see this, and understand why? If not, that may be a good topic to discuss sometime. Some things you have to work through on your own. Some things you can work through with your partner. Either way, it is easier to deal with things when your partner knows where you are coming from.

I don't necessarily mean *change* into a different person. PunkMusician gave excellent advice. I am talking about working on your traits/reactions that you personally don't like. Not the ones that other people think you should change. Being happy with yourself is a good goal.

Remember you must be doing something right; she is choosing to be with you now.

I have a pointless idea it will not solve your problem with the girl. But it will make sure he does not have any relevance to her again,

3 foot iron bar to his hands and feet for a couple of hours till he is crippled for life!
This is a bit excessive and if you get caught your new boyfriends will love and care for you every night till your little concerns seem to have no meaning

Peace be with you

:no:

yeah i think thats it....whenever I think of them...idk why..i get this nauseating feeling. I guess this will just take time and not think about them....cause like you guys said....shes with me instead of him

well I think I start to be clingy whenever I think about her and her ex....i can tell shes a little bit annoyed when I get clingy...like its where i start to say i love you a million times while she gets annoyed and just shakes her head...i know she loves me but she prolly gets annoyed when I get clingy. I dont really want to address it to her...cause what if shes not seeing it? then she will be looking for me being clingy. So maybe being more confident would help not me being clingy...


also, dont really want to tell her all this drama...she hates drama...so I feel like if i work out my insecurities and troublesomes about her ex then I could be a better man. Cause she says shes over him...he made her life a shit while they were dating...so I dont really want to bring up her ex over and over. Yeah, sometimes I feel like a rebound...but I think thats just the insecurity thinking and I got to get over that.

She does not like super clingy so stop it, or move on, relationship is about compromise, and small stuff like that kill one. Anyone you ever date will have a history look in the mirror, that is who the person is with now, so stop worrying about the past or she will not be with you longer. You know she hates drama so why are you invading her privacy why are you making issues out of something where there is none.

If you can not do that, then consider for yourself and for her to move on since you are sabotaging your relationship.

like I said we had a long talk and we're good...I just need to get rid of my insecurities

Sounds like she was dishonest and you only found out because you were doing something dishonest... Seems you both have a lot to work on. Would worry about that a lot more then what she did with the ex. Trust is something that has to be earned and misplaced trust can be worse then anything. Trust me i know i went out with Satan for a while. I never would have let it go as long as it did if she would have just told me she was the devil to start with. If your not comfortable with anything about her or what shes done... just slow down. Give yourself time to think about it.

Just assume that her ex has the biggest, fattest, most ridiculously awesome cock that was ever possessed by any male in the history of male-dom. Now assume that he knew how to use it, constantly giving her orgasm after earth-shattering orgasm until she'd lapse into sweaty unconsciousness. They'd fuck in ways that most people would only dream of for 16 hour stretches stopping only for bathroom breaks, food, and to wring out the sheets. Think about that for a good hour or so. Got it? Good. Now in case you haven't noticed already, she's with you. YOU, not him. She's decided that Captian Fantasticock really desn't have all that much going for him and figures that she's a lot happier with Rob Zero. Why? You'll never know, and I can guarantee she'll never tell you. All you can do is make it worth it for her. Read a book, go lift some weights, learn to appreciate fine wine or some shit. Find something you enjoy and get really good at it (the art of fucking might not be a bad place to start). Whatever builds up your confidence. Seriously, unless you're confident in both yourself and in her choice in you, your relationship won't amount to much. You'll just spend the rest of your time together sizing up every swingin' dick around her and trying to decide which one she's going to drop you for, wasting valuable time that you could be using towards actually being happy.

Good luck. Confidence is hard work but I think you can do it.

You are very good and your feelings are natural. But you must grow out of it and make sure you build a relationship with her. Build trust, faith and committment. please stop worrying about what she thinks, and whether she compares are not! Be concerned about how she would feel, and care more about HER not you. I assure you are possessive and you will make a good lover. But please put her as first instead of your feelings...

Pretty much bang on the money here, you just need to accept that she's been with other guys etc and that now she's with you. Accept it, be happy and try not to think about the ex.

Everyone will be alot happier.