Married Sex-WTF?
 

Hi, I have been with the same guy for 13 years, the last 7 of which we have been married.

Before we got married we had sex like animals every time we saw each other, which was one long sex fest weekend every month, due to going to different colleges.

After we got married, it was obviously more often and we were both very busy starting our careers which was our main focus, I guess.

As time has gone on I miss it more and more, anywhere from once a week to 3 times on a good week is what we are running now.

I want more! What is wrong with wanting to have sex everyday????????

I tell him often that my only complaint about our sex life is that we don;t do it often enough. It never happens two days in a row. WTF. :mad:

We have two toddlers that drag down our energy, but really they are more my responsibly than his. He has a desk job and doesn't work long hours, so its not like he's been working his ass off in a factory all day and is truly overworked.

Am I crazy to want to have sex everyday after 7 years of marriage?

Is it crazy that I get sad when he says he's "too tired" and I gotta go without.

I didn't think guys got too tired for sex, he's in his early thirties for F*** sake.

I need to know what other married, or long term live ins have to say about this am I asking too much?

Should I just be happy that the sex is awesome when we do have it?

Or should I just masturbate beside him in bed and give him the choice whether or not to join in? ;) (Been thinking about trying this.)

Sorry so many questions, but I certainly need help with this issue.

Disclaimer: I am NOT married, so my experience is limited.

Yes, guys get too tired for sex.

No, I don't think you're asking too much. But you need to consider a few things: How healthy are his life habits? If he's unhealthy, he's going to be less interested in sex. If he's healthy and fit, he may be more energetic and more interested - encourage a healthy lifestyle. Also, when you do have sex, do you initiate it or does he? If he prefers to be the one doing the seduction, you're not going to get anywhere by pushing the issue.

Good luck!

Also, I think it was noted in another thread that you knew how to use the search function even as a newcomer. If you use it, you'll find this thread: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=123789

And this one: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=37338


That might help.

2 main things I want to address...

yes guys get too tired for sex

please dont assume that just because he has a "desk job" he doesnt work hard enough to have a tiring day, being brain tired is sometimes worse than being physically tired

Has sex gotten routine and you guys do the same thing in the same bed each night?
Have either of you changed a lot physically in the past few years, I don't know if it would cause it, but it is something to look at. Are you guys distracted by watching too much TV, having too many things to do or not getting enough sleep?

And as a guy, I wouldn't mind at all if a woman initiated.

And I wouldn't have a problem with you masturbating in bed next to me, except that it would cause me to want to join in. Make sure you try for sex first, but if it doesn't happen then go for it. And if he does get offended or upset, that is whhen you need to have a talk with him about what is going on.

Or his sex drive just may be slowing down a little. I know I don't masturbate everyday. I'm not sure what would happen if there was a girl here to get me in the mood everyday though...it sounds really good to me.

Does he have any health issue going on? That would be my first question. If he is honestly too tired that often, maybe he isn't getting good sleep (overweight, sleep apnea?) or has some other physical issue.

Is there a lot of stress or anxiety on him right now? How is your relationship otherwise? Sometimes financial or family stress translates to feeling worn out or low sex drive.

Finally, have you suggested to him when he is too tired that you will be on top, or do most of the "work"?

PS - I've been married for 10+ years. Occasionally (but rarely) I am legitimately too tired. Sometimes even then, if my wife initiates enough, or just tries to climb on top anyway, I am motivated to respond. :D

What is your schedule like? Is it more or less demanding than his?

I find that when I am less active during the day than my husband, I tend to have a much higher sex drive than he does, and have a higher expectation to have sex. (Our sex per week is about the same as yours, btw--and I think a lot of married couples would actually be grateful to have that high of a number, to put it in perspective... especially with young kids.)

Why shouldn't guys be allowed to have a lower sex drive? They're human, not horny sex-obsessed machines that are dying to jump your bones every day. (I mean, sometimes they are, but usually it's during the infatuation stage of a relationship.) :) Just a thought.

I think the best part about you posting in TFP, Ms.Milkyway, is that everybody here gives great options. I agree with all the posts thus far.

Of course, this is a big problem. I don't know your husband, but the first thing I can say is not to be confrontational about it (if you haven't already). Perhaps try some new forms of sex, or again, like you said, be the initiator. I think the thing women do least is initiating. They want sex, but don't physically show it. I like your idea, but that might be a problem. I know one solution for you would be to maybe take a drive with him to "get away from the kids". Then, find a good parking spot, and begin touching his body in the car. Perhaps escalate it and see where it goes from here.

Again, as men get older, they do lose sex drive. I know when I hit my midlife crisis, sex was definately NOT on my mind. I thought, there are better things to do in life than hump my wife. You almost have to sell it to him, and perhaps, pretend he is a horny teenage boy again. Maybe flash him, wear more cleavage, slip him some aphrodisiacs, or maybe even sleep nude.

Being married, I know I hardly have any sex, and I also know that my wife is always begging for it. I think that perhaps he would like you to take interest in his life, or his work, or something that he does (maybe a hobby?) because he obviously doesn't think that sex is the most important thing right now. Maybe ask him that tonight in bed. For me, it was just that I didn't spend enough time with my wife and couldn't find anything to do with her. Maybe instead of sex, go on dates again. I do know that if you don't continue connecting with him like you did in the college-days that he will continually lose sex drive. Whether or not you have to use "stim pack" strategies to increase his sex drive temporarily or not is up to you, but I think it is time to look deeper into your problem and not deeper into your vagina.

in answer to the thread title i thought it didn´t exist :p

I wish I marry somebody like you someday...

On July 5, I will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary. Our sex life has improved (quantity and quality) with the years. Early on there were periods when we went months without sex. Sex has always been important to me, but less so to my wife. Like you, I would like to have sex two nights in a row, but it mostly ain't happening. We now have a romp once or twice per week on average.

Milkyway, perhaps you and I should get together and then set up our spouses with each other :)

My only suggestion: Have a talk with him outside the bedroom. The starting place might be to find out if he has concerns about his sex drive or if he is satisfied.

I occasionally get too tired for sex, but I generally take that as a sign that I need to increase my caloric intake and shift my exercise regiment. It's about prioritization, really. Ideally I like to have the health and energy to go a few rounds a night.

If you're so inclined you may want to entice him by not having status quo sex. 'Warming up' would be one pretty good way to entice a man.

i went out with someone like this for 6 months and she wore me out.

Thanks for all the advice, keep it coming. (so I can keep cumming-couldn't resist!)

JSYK, there have been changes in our sex life over the years, I used to initiate all most all the time. And we tried just about everything!!! As the years progressed we tried less, knowing what we enjoyed, but still kept it varied between the different positions and activities that we enjoyed, and he started initiating more.

Over the last three and a half years I have carried and pushed out two babies, (the youngest is 15 months old, our oldest is 33 months) No I have not gotten back into my pre-baby jeans, but I am still hot as hell and I see the lust in his eyes when I am working it. (Maybe I am over confident in that.)

When I was pregnant and between babies, I did not feel sexy at all, and I did not initiate sex as much, but never turned it down. It took more to get me hot, so he had to work harder on things than he was used to.

Since the second baby something has changed inside me, I feel sexier and act sexier, I always used to wear grannie panties-I know don't kill me, now I wear lace boyshorts, lace thongs and go free bird a lot. I got rid of the big cotton t-shirts I used to sleep in and now wear sexy satin and lace nightgowns that accentuate my larger than before breasts. (those he loves) Because I feel sexier I want sex more, plus sex feels better than it used to-I guess the babies moved things around down there.

I know he is stressed with work, and has been looking for a different job-but sex has always been a great stress reliever for us. We have started going on dates again I love the sex in the car idea-haven't done that for years. Minivan or Malibu with car seats and evil center console?-I'm thinking minivan!

Over the last several months we have worked on reducing stress around the house and trying to enjoy each other more, and also spending more time a part doing or own things, which we both missed.

I do a lot of the work when it comes to sex and he is totally allowed to just sit there, like one day last week when I did what I call "raping him in the middle of the night" - 4am I was hot, he was asleep, I roll over rub it get it hard, pull pants down a little , climb on ride it out, climb off-no talking, no other touching, nothing. Although if he comes to enough to do other stuff then we do. (He says he has no complaints about the raping in the middle of the night, except he prefers it happens more like 12am than 4am, but he says he doesn;t feel uysed or anything.) Sometimes the sex is very loving and sensual, sometimes the sex is cold and selfish, sometimes the sex is wild and hot, we mix it up and that's the way we both like it. I am on top more often than him, but one of our favorite positions requires him to be on top :)

I guess I don't understand him being too tired for sex, because we can make it really fast if he wants and he falls right to sleep afterward, I'm the one who can;t fall asleep after sex-bummer.

He is not phsically fit, not fat, but just flabby, but he has always been that way. I have always been more into taking care of my body than he was. I supopose he could miss me being smaller though, but its not like I can ask him that. He can't say yes because he would feel selfish and worry he'd upset me and he can't say no because he would worry i wouldn't believe him and that it would somund like he doesn;t care what my body looks like. I know there is no way to ask a man that question, besides said he like the medium sized curvy gals, which I still fit the bill, but I am bigger than when we first hooked up and certainly bigger than my smallest (which was after a couple years of marriage with the help of some ephedrine).

Anyway, if you have any addirtional advice based on that stuff, I'd appreciate it. I really need to get my groove on more often. My highschool reunion is coming up, and I don't want to be tempted by old flings.

Same, but it's nice to know it's there whenever you want it.

13 years? You can still recapture the early days.

Although you may have think you've done it all, there are always new things to try to spice it up and recapture the lust from the early days.

The masturbation technique seems to be one that often works. When my ex would say he was tired, he'd feel/hear me masturbating and that would get him right in the mood and he'd take over. My semi-current guy will wake up to watch. Once he watches me finish, then he'll get involved. :lol:

You know, there are times when it's just not worth the trouble. Especially after you've been together a long time and you sort of get into a groove with each other, and it's basically the same every time... Sex takes a lot of effort, and there are times I'm just not up for it. I'd gladly take a blow job, or I'd masturbate, or I'd finger her, or some combination of those things, but actual home-run all-the-way sex... Sometimes, that's just more work than I'm willing to do. My girls know that and know it doesn't mean anything about how attracted I am to them or anything like that. There are times we just take care of them, or take care of ourselves individually, or whatever. Or they take care of each other, which is nice, and usually ends up with me being interested in actual sex before too long...

Im really glad to see another guy here actually admit (without qualifying its "rare") that this actually happens, but then you'll always be one of my heros lol

If he's not getting regular exercise, it will seriously affect his sex drive. This is true for women as well, of course. Getting your body moving will boost blood flow everywhere, including the important bits, and exercising hard enough will release endorphins and other mood chemicals that will make him feel sexier.

It will also improve his energy level. People who are not fit always think they are too tired to exercise, but like Shani said, after a day at a desk you're just BRAIN tired, not body tired. Exercise can clear the head and relieve the mental exhaustion.

Furthermore, if sex is the most energetic thing he does, then sex is going to exhaust him and feel like a workout. If he really IS working out, then sex will feel like fun again because it will be easy by comparison. Of course, this will take time, as he gradually gets fitter.

I really think that getting off your ass is far more crucial to our mental, emotional and sexual health than most people realize.

Could be the stress that comes with being a husband and a daddy, supporting a family, being responsible. All the worries one doesn't have when they are single. It has an effect.

I *love* banana splits. Every time I walk into an icecream parlor, I'll order a banana split. Yum.

But, if I had a banana-split machine at home, would I have one every day? Probably not. I might for the first few weeks, until I just got sick of them. Too much. It's the same with the sex.

But, in a relationship, it's not just one person's desires controlling - it's a partnership, a give and take. In your case, you want it more than he does...it happens. All I can say is to be open and honest about what you want, but don't expect your partner to perform for you just because you want it. Having two kids can take a heck of a toll on things.

And, I've gotta stand up for the guys with desk jobs. You didn't say exactly what kind of desk job he has, but - don't think that a desk job is necessarily a walk in the park. Thinking about something for eight (or whatever) hours at a go, dealing with the stress of meeting deadlines, dealing with managers and coworkers, meeting the responsibilities placed on you - that can be just as draining as eight hours of physical labor, and it probably pays a heck of a lot better than if your man were working at some physical job.

Nothing, no, and...probably yes.

I wanted to note that by having sex 1 to 3 times a week, you are probably having an average to above average amount of sex. If you want more, realize you are wanting well beyond what most people get. This might be a little much to ask. I don't know.

For the record, if I were guaranteed to have sex once a week, I would think I had hit the jackpot.

Same spot
 

I think I am in the same boat but with my wife.

Bateman, how do you find the time?

i sooo still love you, crompsin...

After years of several problems and nearly no sex my ex and I started having serious discussions of what each other expected/wanted. Everything from household chores, recreational activities and yes sex. She said she thought sex should be "about the regular amount." At first I thought alright, progress! But I thought about it for a moment and asked "what's regular to you?" "I don't know, once... maybe once every other month?"

"Check please!"

Sad thing is for the first 12 yrs or so it was 2-3 times a week. For about the last 10 yrs of our relationship I didn't even realize how far apart we were, but that's a whole another thread.

I know some people would say it is selfish, but I would duck out if i wasn't getting any and it wasn't like a physical reason (like he had an accident and couldn't do stuff anymore-but even then I might talk him into letting me get a live in girlfriend. LOL)

I guess the little (in my opinion) that I do get is good. Maybe I will try talking him into working out with me though. That way he'd have less stress and more physical activity and then maybe a higher sexual desire!

I have a problem gauging desire. At least in the situation I'm in. My drive is pretty much full tilt, but my problem is in initiating. I've always been shy and awkward around women. Well, until things get going anyway.

Do you get Time Magazine? If you two are religious, they had an article last week titled And God Said, "Just Do It". Excerpt:
Or, if you want to do the same thing without the religious aspect, consider the page Sex is Fun # 86 - The 30 Day Sex Challenge (there's also a podcast of the show for more inspiration).

I'm in the same boat as Tully was/is. We started out doing it several times a week. After 8 years of marriage and two kids she went the opposite direction as you, she lost interest. We average once a week or less...

BTW, If he really has a lack of energy have him get his testosterone level checked. I had no problems with my libido or getting an erection, but I consistently had low energy. My doc put me on bi-weekly testosterone shots and I have more energy now than I've had since I was in my 20's.

For the record... was not is.

I don't envy you. Being on the begging side is sad. Been there/done that for a couple of years with my ex. Now, if my girls whine at a boy for anything...like begging a guy friend to play ball, tag, etc, I yell at them "Don't ever beg a boy for anything!" (Yea, ok, so I still might have an issue about that)

Anyway, I second having a frank talk and getting his testosterone level checked. Bi-weekly shots or daily cream on the shoulders can fix it. Fare warning about the testosterone, though..ah, I'll just PM you.

Sex every day? I'm too tired to even jerk off every day. Maybe I'm just getting old.

I would think jerking off would be more work than getting off with a SO, then somebody else is doing the work too. I got nothing against self pleasure, but I can say no to that faster than I can say no to some mutual lovin'.

But that's just me I guess.

Here's a joke I read:

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe

hehe! Now that's a funny joke, Milky.

From this male's perspective, masturbation takes less energy than sex with a partner, even if it is just receiving a blow job. The feedback loop is smaller; I know what I am feeling and can adjust accordingly. With sex, that feedback loop has to be communicated through a second party.

(Of course, having sex with my wife is more fun than masturbation... but it does require more energy.)

Exactly ditto every piece of this.

Sex with another person--including sex where I'm entirely passive, which wouldn't work for me anyway--requires a level of focus and concentration that masturbation doesn't. I can (and occasionally do) jerk off in my sleep.

Wow this thread vexes me a little(not really). I'm am addicted to the idea of my woman wanking next to me and she knows it and she still won't do it. I lay awake often just hoping to catch a glimpse of this, and nothing. There ARE women out there that can strum one out next to their husband. I've probably lost over a thousand hours of sleep over this strange quirk(not to be confused with strange quark).

I'm also want to get it on regularly, and I think my wife might now to. Things are so weird from years of weirdness, though, that it keeps us from doing it but like once every few weeks.

Sidebar. Many years ago, I did catch her in the middle of the night. Just those little sounds were so amazing. This was, sexually, my favorite moment in our relationship.

Agreed. Sometimes I will plan a masturbation when I get home, but once I get off from work, I'm too tired. There's no way I could have sex every day.

I think I'm definitely affected by the stress of work too. I'd say we're a 2-3x/week and then on the weekend we're 2-3x/day. Makes vacations fun!

Sometimes you just don't feel like it, plain and simple. I don't think it's a knock on you Milky.

Even though it's a joke, it goes a different route to make the same two points that come up time and time again in relationship advice threads: the most important thing is communication, and relationships have to be two-sided.

Thanks for all the advice. I am definitely trying not to be pissed when I gotta go without. I talked to some of my girlfriends with kids around my kids' ages and they all think I am crazy, some of them have only had sex like twice in the last six months and think that was too much. One said she hasn't had sex in 9 months-YES 9 MONTHS and she is not pregnant-says she is afraid to get pregnant again-other two kids were both ooops on birth control. I'm like just slap a cap on him and do it girl.

Anyway, I see that I am in the minority here, especially for being a woman with children. And my hubby is stressed at work, but I have turned up the heat in our relationship a little bit, and hopefully we can find some medium ground. In the mean time I think I need to buy some new porn and get a fancy vibrator, either that or a girlfriend to bring home and play with.

Any more advice is always welcome!

I still don't understand why sex has to change when you wear a ring on your left hand for a few years.

Milky: I just took another scan through this thread. I see that you have asked your husband for more frequent sex; however, I don't see a statement of what his response to that request has been?

Answer that and I think they'll give you your own talk show. Which could be good for you- lot's of cash. And good for the rest of us- Dr. Phil might drop off the face of the earth.

Originally I didn't come out and ask him I would just make moves and he'd push me a way and roll and say he was tired in a whiny voice.

But since starting this thread i have actually talked him him a bit about it:

When I tease with him playfully he smiles at me and says "You're a freak," which I take as a compliment.

But when we finally talked about it seriously, he said he would see what he could do, he said he just isn't getting enough sleep lately, but if he can get some sleep I can get some lovin'.

He said his back has been bothering him lately. He assured me that doesn't affect the sex, he said during sex it is like "what back?", however it does affect his sleep, so he doesn't get the same quality of sleep that he needs.

We talked about how I want it all the time and although he enjoys it, he just thinks every day is a little excessive. but he didn't want to have like set times or anything. Which is cool with me, I have just started messing with him during movie time and dinner time and other non sleep times. Although he still gets sleepy afterward.

He wants sleep I want sex, the compromise is to make sure the sex doesn't get in the way of his sleep. I think I can do that, but remember we are working around when little kids are awake too, so that puts some limits on us. :sad:

Anyway, still wont happen everyday, at least not until his back is better and he is sleeping better-but it will happen more often if I am sure to initiate at the right times.

Ahh, that sounds much better, Milky. Three cheers for communication!

So, how to fix his back... better mattress? massage therapy? exercise? painkillers? Have him ask his doctor to suggest something.

IMO, Opt for the pain killers as last resort. They kill your sex drive, not what you seem to be looking for here.

Life style changes, exercise, better mattress- even simple stretching can really help the back (as well as the rest of you.) Again, IMHO.

Married sex at 30...
 

Hello Milkyway!

I have been married for 8 years now, approaching the 9th. I find my circumstances similar. We lived in America for the first 4 years and humped like rabbits, 3 times a day or more. Later, we moved to Europe. She found work and I didn't. So she would come home tired and I would find myself horny and pestering her for sex. Then the tables turned. She got pregnant and I got work. I'd come home too tired to want it...or feel it if I did. And I tend to overwork myself on the side as well.

As to your first question...wanting to have sex is the way nature made us, our parents had sex and here we are, anyone who denies this urge is retarded somehow...as that is not natural. Nothing wrong with you there!

I want more too...I can't get enough...restless as I am! Life can get complicated...

I do...work my ass of...more specifically my brain, I get paid to control my thoughts like a calculator and go home with head aches, only to engage in more thought activities as my conscious dictates. Ouch...

As for your man...if he isn't working so much, perhaps there is a lot in his mind, his need to succeed is weighing on his mind as his time runs away. Men are like this, they are driving instinctively by many generations of breeding to achieve.

Also, if you two are simply too comfortable and possessive of each other, this will kill the drive faster then anything. Once you start seeing yourself or the other as a possession (which can happen in marriage), the sex sparks start fizzling bit by bit.

Confidence is a winner! Are you confident in your self? If not, this may be adding to the problem. When one is confident, they appear independent (confidence doesn't really on others), and that leads to a sense of the unknown, the mysterious. That is always exciting!




No! Your healthy!

No! If he's open minded, communicate with him and perhaps play with yourself if he doesn't object, even if it doesn't get him excited, it keeps tensions down.

So am I, but I will never get tired...(oh dear...am I bragging?)...of having sex, I am hopeless. Though when I work and work and work more, I find that we aren't at it as much, the pregnancy also plays a role. Enough about me...sorry...

If hes in his early thirties, then he should be one horny toad...???


Be happy with the sex there is...yes! Here are the big, big, big keys; Communication and Understanding

communicate your desires to each other and play them out...are there any fantasies to explore? Try them.



This is a great idea, most men who aren't too dominating or controlling won't object to this. If he's zapped, I think your ideas here are excellent. If he doesn't mind...try it! I know for myself that it is very exciting to see a women play with herself. Also, if he is really beat up from work or something, loosen him up with a good massage first. Be patient for the changes and they will happen; if rushed...he will feel rushed and that will make it harder to excite him.

I wish the two of you what I wish for my own relation...the best and most healthy sex possible!

PS...whats he eating (food and sexual potency are without a question connected...).

Hahahaha!!! Sorry, the oops birth control thing got to me...haven't men ever heard of self control? You know...pull out before its too late? As to the women having it 2 every two months, how could they give any good advice? Be weary not to end up like that...you have a right to get off!

I agree about not getting pissed, it only adds water to the flood!

This is the idea!!! Especially that last part...will most likely drive him nuts...he'll do a little dance as he walks to work and you will rule him if he's into that stuff! Lucky man I add, its not always easy to find women so open sexually!

I have been with my now wife for 12 years, married for 3. It has never been as frequent as I would like and I have discussed and argued about this with her many times. I have come to the realization that it will never be as frequent as I would like, which I can live with. My main problem, and I would guess this is a problem is many long term relationships, is that when we do have sex it is boring. It is almost the exact same every time and has been for years. I can't even remember the last time I thought we had great or exciting sex. Now it is to the point that even if she is willing to have sex I have to have a debate with myself if I want to have the same boring sex or masturbate to porn on the internet or Penthouse Letters.

It is pretty depressing actually.

Makes for some creative thinking. Sounds like you're on the right track. Whatever you do, don't stifle your sex drive. Remind him that he might sleep more soundly if he gets a little release during the day.

I had back problems. Several years ago, it started with a strange twinge when I would move certain ways. Then I had my back go out completely. I went to my regular doctor who also happens to be an osteopath. He helped me get my back working again, sort of. There was still consistent low level pain, even when I did daily back exercises. If I slacked off on exercises the pain became acute.

Then I heard about back supplements. I started taking a daily combination of MSM and Glucosamine. It worked like magic. I no longer have to do the daily exercises and I have no back problems. I've heard good things about Chondroitin suppliments as well, but haven't needed to try them. Just an FYI, your mileage may vary.

Thanks got him a combo pill with all three in it, that in addition to some nightly stretches and new shoes and he is doing much better. Still not getting laid every night, but maybe we can work him up to that.

Milkyway, My sense is that you two may have a power struggle going on. You're trying to be the sexual controller, and he's trying to deal with his self image of being the man who is the more sexually eager, and the reality of a wife who's never satisfied (for long). You've mentioned getting a girlfriend a few times. He could also be feeling like he can't satisfy your needs, even if he did give you a daily hot session, because you'd still have a desire for a female sometimes.

Nothing gets a man out of the mood more than feeling overwhelmed and/or powerless. Power struggles in marriage tend to get reflected in the sex lives of the couple. The one power he truly has is the power to be unwilling. Traditionally, wives used this power to make their hubbies beg for it, and buy them diamonds, etc. Now that women have become sexually empowered by the liberation movement, many women are a little bosy, or demanding, sexually.

I'm not saying that men don't wish their wives would initiate more equally often, since many do wish that. But the sexually hungry woman has an energy that can be intimidating to a man. That seems to describe the situation you face. So I'm suspecting that you may be intimidating your husband with your needyness, or your sexual demandingness.

Yes, back pain can be a huge arousal killer to. Feeling like he's flabby and his wife is a hottie can make him feel unworthy of her. Worries about his work, or his job stability, can make him feel small to.

I don't know what it is, but I'm recommending you give some thought to what might be intimidating him. And maybe do some things to help him feel sexually powerful relative to you. I could suggest laying over his lap for a spanking. Or offering to be his sex slave for a weekend, especially if you could leave the kids with their grandparents that weekend. You might want to find ways to let him have a little larger share of the power in your relationship, and see if that helps.

Good luck.

milkyway,

I'm at times in the same boat your guy. Let me tell you about my reasons why my drive can be down.

1) The stress of providing for a family of 5.

2) Trying to be a good dad to my son and 2 daughters is emotionally taxing.

3) My SO is in a Master Program at a local University and her focus and mine are not in the same direction currently. And I can only handle reading and talking about the philosophical nature of sociology and education for so long until I fall asleep after being on the go from 6am to 9pm either working or cooking and cleaning to pick up the slack from her needing to study (she watches the kids during the day).

4) I don't care for quick, casual sex. I prefer it to be 'gourmet'. My SO is multi-orgasmic, and I feel the 'need' to help her orgasm at least 8 times in a session, at about this point I notice her satisfied state begins. This is probably wrong of me to feel this way, but it is what it is. But her response really hits my personality well, as I love to please her.

5) I like to connect emotionally and energetically with my SO. And I cannot do that quickly or easily without having spent sometime just holding her or resting my hand on her back or hip or head. It is really quite fulfilling.

Regarding the low testosterone. Men move in cycles with their testosterone. My Dr. told me it was normal for a man to swing from the high to low end of the scale throughout the year. In the last 12 months, I've swung the full range for Testosterone, and when it is low, it does no good to harp on the man. That feeling of unhappiness isn't helpful for a man at all.

- M

I was feeling a bit underserved/underutilized in the physical side of my marriage some months ago. I read Will's thread in the HOF about cycle tracking and developed a tracking spreadsheet. (I'm an Excel pervert - it's a curse, but it makes me money.) I track Sex, Unusual sex (as a subset of sex, to include fellatio, kink, and anal), and her orgasms (separately). After a couple of months, I started letting Mrs. Hat in on the trends that were shaping up. We're averaging about 15 rounds a month now with 15% unusual and 20% her orgasming. We were at 23, 3, and 6 last month, though (shooting for once daily and falling just a little short).

Sometimes having a goal will make it attainable.

Flip side of this is I do not want McDonald's hamburger sex. I want prime rib or filets wrapped in bacon, with the occasional pecan crusted trout to keep things lively. Surprisingly, by making her more aware of it, the sex became much more passionate.

To your situation, masturbating in bed next to him ought to work. Lingerie ought to work. Putting the kids to bed, grabbing him by the dick and saying, "This is the part where I am going upstairs with your dick, are you coming?" has the potential of backfiring, but would surely get my undivided attention. Waking him up with a blowjob and jumping on board once he's up and running might or might not work (depends how he wakes up).

Wow. That's... impressive, that you were so dedicated to tracking these things. I can see it helping for the short term, just to make you guys more aware of these patterns (and it's damn honest!)--are you a social scientist, by any chance?! :) But how long do you think you'll keep up the tracking? I guess some couples would become resentful over time, of the literal "keeping score," but it all depends, I guess.

Project financial analyst. Excel pervert. I track EVERYTHING with a spreadsheet and plan most things with Visio diagrams.

Probably as long as I have this computer. I'll just change the logic on it to go in 4 week cycles after menopause. One could look at it as keeping score, but I prefer to look at it as a health issue, so tracking sex is akin to her counting points on weight watchers or my tracking sit ups and weights lifted.

I like the idea of keeping it interesting. What guy could resist his girl in some hot lingerie, a new toy, a quicky at lunch or even bringing a friend over. You probably have to talk about the threesome a bit more before trying it, but the others would be a great surprise in my book.

Human beings did not evolve for monogamy -- especially men. It's nothing against you; it's just biology. All this well-intentioned advice will not, I'm afraid, be of any help to you. The reality is that we evolved to have several different partners simultaneously and our bodies and psyches don't give a damn about contemporary morality. Before anyone says, "Well, we can rise above our evolved nature," let me stipulate that yes, we can. Sometimes. But not without paying a price. It is our nature to get plenty of exercise and eat low fat diets. We can ignore that, but look what happens to us. Men respond to novelty in sexual partners above all else. It's the same with most male mammals. It's called the Coolidge Effect. Ask any farmer. If you don't change up the females, the male loses interest rather quickly.

Sad, perhaps, but true. Hot sex is the result of youth + desire + obstacles (you were only together one weekend a month, remember?). Now that you're together, it's simply not realistic to expect your sex lives to be like they were before. You can't eat your delicious dinner and still be hungry. Such is life.

Dude in Hammock pretty much summed it up. Very interesting. Thanks for putting that into perspective.

My pleasure, though I don't really get much pleasure from telling people their pain is unavoidable. But it's worse if they destroy a family in search of life-long, neverending sexual bliss. I'm writing a book about this now. You can check it out a bit on our blog at Psychology Today: Lust in Paradise | Psychology Today Blogs.

DIH, it's strange, but, while I admit to a certain preference for a younger looking woman, the definition of younger looking seems to be aging with Mrs Hat. It so often seems to me that the titty board is populated with counterfeit 12 year olds, and I find that as the missus, and more tellingly I'm sure, the various startlets of adult film on whom I imprinted in my teens, age, my definition of attractive ages with them and what I used to find unacceptable flaws start to fall under my radar. Maybe there's a saturation point, beyond which perception won't erase age, but me and mine are drawing towards the end of our fourth decades. Also, after steadily dropping off for some time (2 kids, 2 years apart will do that), now that they can be unsupervised for considerable periods, the sex has gotten more frequent, more inventive, and more passionate. So it's a matter of getting a second wind and a fresh look at it.

Not, mind you, that I would turn down a busty, shaved, redheaded, 20 year old nymphomaniac who wanted to come home and do the both of us, but I am not going to throw away steady good sex just to sniff a strange crotch, no matter how attractive the surrounding woman. (Within reason, mind you. I am sure that somewhere out there is the proposition I could not say no to. I just hope it involves the missus.)
-----Added 5/8/2008 at 08 : 22 : 19-----
To take a specific issue, I'd call this the 2+2 formula for hot sex. Long experience and focussed attention along with a willingness to try something new can lead to very hot sex indeed. That's the 1+3 formula. Both get you to hot sex. Will it be the same as it was at the outset? Of course not! But it can be even better because you know what buttons to push and so, presumably, does your parter.

Wanting sex ebbs and flows over the course of a marriage. My wife and I have been married 25 years now and we go at it like cats and dogs these days. Most of our sessions are morning sessions though, since we're too wiped out by the end of the day. Try having sex at different times of the day. When we had small kids (all of ours are over 16 now) we found it hard to fit sex in but we managed over time.

I suggest quickies every now and then. I'll cop a feel every now and then as we pass in the hallways, or when she's getting ready to jump in the shower, I suckle on her breasts and finger her to an orgasm or two. It doesn't always have to be bedroom sex. Be creative and have fun! Good luck.

Thanks for all the continued advice. We have been doing pretty good lately. We still aren't at an everyday rate, but we ARE having hotter sex more often and doing a lot more spontaneous and varied things, although our sex was never boring and ritualistic as some people's is. He has been making me so happy sexually lately, I can't imagine being with any other man. And I believe he is feeling quite the same way, um but not wanting any other woman, not man. He is not into guys.

Too Much Sex???
 

I may not have been around in life as long as some, but I have always been told that too much of one thing is not good. Even if that thing may be deemed as healthy or "GOOD" for you. To a question like this, honestly, there has to be many answers. I think that it depends on what the person and what they believe in terms of that certain situation. For myself, it matters how you engage in your sexual activities. Meaning rough, fast, slow, gentle, ect. Personally, I do not care for sex like that, so, I do not believe in over doing it, so I can get tired of it. Men are mainly geared from their sex drive. So you would think that they would never get tired of it. But then you do have those males that do not care too much for sex, and could do without it for a while. Or it could just be that their sexual partner is too much for them and has over worked them. Sex for some guys, is like their ego, they NEED it, WANT it, HAVE TO HAVE it. When they have found that someone that NEEDS it, WANTS it, and HAS TO HAVE it, as much as themselves, or more, it is a challange that they cannot keep up with, so they want may not want itas much because of that. I assume that they feel, that is the only department that they have much advantage in and a female that loves it more than them, makes them feel defeated.

re: too much sex...
From where I stand as a married guy, there's three kinds of sex:
1) Steak sex: This is passionate, engaging, creative, possibly kinkuy or exploratory, but usually just a matter of both of us being ready, eager, and focussed on each other. This should never be turned down.
2) Hamburger sex: The quickie. Sex when one partner is half awake. The grunting out of lust. It'll keep you on an even keel, but it's unhealthy to live on a steady diet of. It is relatively easy to get bored with. Sometimes it's worth doing (particularly to keep one's partner happy - she wants a tongue lashing, I want sleep. She'll get the tongue lashing because it will make her happy), sometimes it's best turned down. Here's the key: It can turn into shitty sex pretty quickly if "I'm only doing this to make you happy" becomes part of it.
3) Shitty sex - sex in anger. Sex where both partners are doing it for the other partner and neither is receptive to that. Sex as a non-kinky power game. Passive aggressive sex. Sex where the active partner is so tired they make painful mistakes (Teeth, Chocolate surprise). Ill timed bodily functions (less said about that the better). This is never worth it.

The trick is to engage one's partner in Steak grade sex every time. If you figure out how to do that, please let me know. Enough of the good stuff and the OK stuff is less important, and the bad stuff more rare.

Ya know, I was on your side until this statement. I have been married 9 years and our sex life is nothing like when we first met. Now, we might have sex once a week (if I am lucky) - and I have NEVER been tempted by old flings. Don't fuck around with your marital vows because Karma will nail you. Sounds to me like you have a great husband, a great life, some great kids, and a pretty great sex life (by my standards) - why would you risk all of that for a few extra orgasms?:shakehead:

Make sure he is very fit, gets enough physical exercise! Make sure he gets enough sleep. Make sure he hears enough music and couple more hobbies that he like. basically make him very live!

And then check whether your as pretty as you were, as kind as you were.

after all this checking, INITIATE. Men get tired easily. Also check whether he is masturbating in bath or at work, if he is already drained easily he wont even seek a release at bed! Sorry if I am too honest

And if he is a nice guy, get a little self-help. Use tools.

Make sure you're as pretty as you were? Hmm, not even sure what to make of that.

IMO, he should be making sure he stays fit, exercises, gets sleep is happy.

These are jobs for each partner in a relationship to do for themselves.

No one can make someone else happy. Got to do that yourself.

just a thought but if he works a desk job every day.. does he get any real excercise? A lot of people will feel run down pretty easy if they dont do anything really phsysical fairly often. Thats why most people that work out often feel better then ones that dont. Basicly starts the endless cycle that causes many people to become overweight and it only gets worse as time goes on.

Wanting it every day is never too much to ask. All i can suggest really is try to keep it interesting. do it somewhere new or something new. Need to get into his head and get him interested in more ways then just thinking hey sex is fun.