Married Sex-WTF?
 

Hi, I have been with the same guy for 13 years, the last 7 of which we have been married.

Before we got married we had sex like animals every time we saw each other, which was one long sex fest weekend every month, due to going to different colleges.

After we got married, it was obviously more often and we were both very busy starting our careers which was our main focus, I guess.

As time has gone on I miss it more and more, anywhere from once a week to 3 times on a good week is what we are running now.

I want more! What is wrong with wanting to have sex everyday????????

I tell him often that my only complaint about our sex life is that we don;t do it often enough. It never happens two days in a row. WTF. :mad:

We have two toddlers that drag down our energy, but really they are more my responsibly than his. He has a desk job and doesn't work long hours, so its not like he's been working his ass off in a factory all day and is truly overworked.

Am I crazy to want to have sex everyday after 7 years of marriage?

Is it crazy that I get sad when he says he's "too tired" and I gotta go without.

I didn't think guys got too tired for sex, he's in his early thirties for F*** sake.

I need to know what other married, or long term live ins have to say about this am I asking too much?

Should I just be happy that the sex is awesome when we do have it?

Or should I just masturbate beside him in bed and give him the choice whether or not to join in? ;) (Been thinking about trying this.)

Sorry so many questions, but I certainly need help with this issue.

Disclaimer: I am NOT married, so my experience is limited.

Yes, guys get too tired for sex.

No, I don't think you're asking too much. But you need to consider a few things: How healthy are his life habits? If he's unhealthy, he's going to be less interested in sex. If he's healthy and fit, he may be more energetic and more interested - encourage a healthy lifestyle. Also, when you do have sex, do you initiate it or does he? If he prefers to be the one doing the seduction, you're not going to get anywhere by pushing the issue.

Good luck!

Also, I think it was noted in another thread that you knew how to use the search function even as a newcomer. If you use it, you'll find this thread: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=123789

And this one: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=37338


That might help.

2 main things I want to address...

yes guys get too tired for sex

please dont assume that just because he has a "desk job" he doesnt work hard enough to have a tiring day, being brain tired is sometimes worse than being physically tired

Has sex gotten routine and you guys do the same thing in the same bed each night?
Have either of you changed a lot physically in the past few years, I don't know if it would cause it, but it is something to look at. Are you guys distracted by watching too much TV, having too many things to do or not getting enough sleep?

And as a guy, I wouldn't mind at all if a woman initiated.

And I wouldn't have a problem with you masturbating in bed next to me, except that it would cause me to want to join in. Make sure you try for sex first, but if it doesn't happen then go for it. And if he does get offended or upset, that is whhen you need to have a talk with him about what is going on.

Or his sex drive just may be slowing down a little. I know I don't masturbate everyday. I'm not sure what would happen if there was a girl here to get me in the mood everyday though...it sounds really good to me.

Does he have any health issue going on? That would be my first question. If he is honestly too tired that often, maybe he isn't getting good sleep (overweight, sleep apnea?) or has some other physical issue.

Is there a lot of stress or anxiety on him right now? How is your relationship otherwise? Sometimes financial or family stress translates to feeling worn out or low sex drive.

Finally, have you suggested to him when he is too tired that you will be on top, or do most of the "work"?

PS - I've been married for 10+ years. Occasionally (but rarely) I am legitimately too tired. Sometimes even then, if my wife initiates enough, or just tries to climb on top anyway, I am motivated to respond. :D

What is your schedule like? Is it more or less demanding than his?

I find that when I am less active during the day than my husband, I tend to have a much higher sex drive than he does, and have a higher expectation to have sex. (Our sex per week is about the same as yours, btw--and I think a lot of married couples would actually be grateful to have that high of a number, to put it in perspective... especially with young kids.)

Why shouldn't guys be allowed to have a lower sex drive? They're human, not horny sex-obsessed machines that are dying to jump your bones every day. (I mean, sometimes they are, but usually it's during the infatuation stage of a relationship.) :) Just a thought.

I think the best part about you posting in TFP, Ms.Milkyway, is that everybody here gives great options. I agree with all the posts thus far.

Of course, this is a big problem. I don't know your husband, but the first thing I can say is not to be confrontational about it (if you haven't already). Perhaps try some new forms of sex, or again, like you said, be the initiator. I think the thing women do least is initiating. They want sex, but don't physically show it. I like your idea, but that might be a problem. I know one solution for you would be to maybe take a drive with him to "get away from the kids". Then, find a good parking spot, and begin touching his body in the car. Perhaps escalate it and see where it goes from here.

Again, as men get older, they do lose sex drive. I know when I hit my midlife crisis, sex was definately NOT on my mind. I thought, there are better things to do in life than hump my wife. You almost have to sell it to him, and perhaps, pretend he is a horny teenage boy again. Maybe flash him, wear more cleavage, slip him some aphrodisiacs, or maybe even sleep nude.

Being married, I know I hardly have any sex, and I also know that my wife is always begging for it. I think that perhaps he would like you to take interest in his life, or his work, or something that he does (maybe a hobby?) because he obviously doesn't think that sex is the most important thing right now. Maybe ask him that tonight in bed. For me, it was just that I didn't spend enough time with my wife and couldn't find anything to do with her. Maybe instead of sex, go on dates again. I do know that if you don't continue connecting with him like you did in the college-days that he will continually lose sex drive. Whether or not you have to use "stim pack" strategies to increase his sex drive temporarily or not is up to you, but I think it is time to look deeper into your problem and not deeper into your vagina.

in answer to the thread title i thought it didn´t exist :p

I wish I marry somebody like you someday...

On July 5, I will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary. Our sex life has improved (quantity and quality) with the years. Early on there were periods when we went months without sex. Sex has always been important to me, but less so to my wife. Like you, I would like to have sex two nights in a row, but it mostly ain't happening. We now have a romp once or twice per week on average.

Milkyway, perhaps you and I should get together and then set up our spouses with each other :)

My only suggestion: Have a talk with him outside the bedroom. The starting place might be to find out if he has concerns about his sex drive or if he is satisfied.

I occasionally get too tired for sex, but I generally take that as a sign that I need to increase my caloric intake and shift my exercise regiment. It's about prioritization, really. Ideally I like to have the health and energy to go a few rounds a night.

If you're so inclined you may want to entice him by not having status quo sex. 'Warming up' would be one pretty good way to entice a man.

i went out with someone like this for 6 months and she wore me out.

Thanks for all the advice, keep it coming. (so I can keep cumming-couldn't resist!)

JSYK, there have been changes in our sex life over the years, I used to initiate all most all the time. And we tried just about everything!!! As the years progressed we tried less, knowing what we enjoyed, but still kept it varied between the different positions and activities that we enjoyed, and he started initiating more.

Over the last three and a half years I have carried and pushed out two babies, (the youngest is 15 months old, our oldest is 33 months) No I have not gotten back into my pre-baby jeans, but I am still hot as hell and I see the lust in his eyes when I am working it. (Maybe I am over confident in that.)

When I was pregnant and between babies, I did not feel sexy at all, and I did not initiate sex as much, but never turned it down. It took more to get me hot, so he had to work harder on things than he was used to.

Since the second baby something has changed inside me, I feel sexier and act sexier, I always used to wear grannie panties-I know don't kill me, now I wear lace boyshorts, lace thongs and go free bird a lot. I got rid of the big cotton t-shirts I used to sleep in and now wear sexy satin and lace nightgowns that accentuate my larger than before breasts. (those he loves) Because I feel sexier I want sex more, plus sex feels better than it used to-I guess the babies moved things around down there.

I know he is stressed with work, and has been looking for a different job-but sex has always been a great stress reliever for us. We have started going on dates again I love the sex in the car idea-haven't done that for years. Minivan or Malibu with car seats and evil center console?-I'm thinking minivan!

Over the last several months we have worked on reducing stress around the house and trying to enjoy each other more, and also spending more time a part doing or own things, which we both missed.

I do a lot of the work when it comes to sex and he is totally allowed to just sit there, like one day last week when I did what I call "raping him in the middle of the night" - 4am I was hot, he was asleep, I roll over rub it get it hard, pull pants down a little , climb on ride it out, climb off-no talking, no other touching, nothing. Although if he comes to enough to do other stuff then we do. (He says he has no complaints about the raping in the middle of the night, except he prefers it happens more like 12am than 4am, but he says he doesn;t feel uysed or anything.) Sometimes the sex is very loving and sensual, sometimes the sex is cold and selfish, sometimes the sex is wild and hot, we mix it up and that's the way we both like it. I am on top more often than him, but one of our favorite positions requires him to be on top :)

I guess I don't understand him being too tired for sex, because we can make it really fast if he wants and he falls right to sleep afterward, I'm the one who can;t fall asleep after sex-bummer.

He is not phsically fit, not fat, but just flabby, but he has always been that way. I have always been more into taking care of my body than he was. I supopose he could miss me being smaller though, but its not like I can ask him that. He can't say yes because he would feel selfish and worry he'd upset me and he can't say no because he would worry i wouldn't believe him and that it would somund like he doesn;t care what my body looks like. I know there is no way to ask a man that question, besides said he like the medium sized curvy gals, which I still fit the bill, but I am bigger than when we first hooked up and certainly bigger than my smallest (which was after a couple years of marriage with the help of some ephedrine).

Anyway, if you have any addirtional advice based on that stuff, I'd appreciate it. I really need to get my groove on more often. My highschool reunion is coming up, and I don't want to be tempted by old flings.

Same, but it's nice to know it's there whenever you want it.

13 years? You can still recapture the early days.

Although you may have think you've done it all, there are always new things to try to spice it up and recapture the lust from the early days.

The masturbation technique seems to be one that often works. When my ex would say he was tired, he'd feel/hear me masturbating and that would get him right in the mood and he'd take over. My semi-current guy will wake up to watch. Once he watches me finish, then he'll get involved. :lol:

You know, there are times when it's just not worth the trouble. Especially after you've been together a long time and you sort of get into a groove with each other, and it's basically the same every time... Sex takes a lot of effort, and there are times I'm just not up for it. I'd gladly take a blow job, or I'd masturbate, or I'd finger her, or some combination of those things, but actual home-run all-the-way sex... Sometimes, that's just more work than I'm willing to do. My girls know that and know it doesn't mean anything about how attracted I am to them or anything like that. There are times we just take care of them, or take care of ourselves individually, or whatever. Or they take care of each other, which is nice, and usually ends up with me being interested in actual sex before too long...

Im really glad to see another guy here actually admit (without qualifying its "rare") that this actually happens, but then you'll always be one of my heros lol

If he's not getting regular exercise, it will seriously affect his sex drive. This is true for women as well, of course. Getting your body moving will boost blood flow everywhere, including the important bits, and exercising hard enough will release endorphins and other mood chemicals that will make him feel sexier.

It will also improve his energy level. People who are not fit always think they are too tired to exercise, but like Shani said, after a day at a desk you're just BRAIN tired, not body tired. Exercise can clear the head and relieve the mental exhaustion.

Furthermore, if sex is the most energetic thing he does, then sex is going to exhaust him and feel like a workout. If he really IS working out, then sex will feel like fun again because it will be easy by comparison. Of course, this will take time, as he gradually gets fitter.

I really think that getting off your ass is far more crucial to our mental, emotional and sexual health than most people realize.

Could be the stress that comes with being a husband and a daddy, supporting a family, being responsible. All the worries one doesn't have when they are single. It has an effect.

I *love* banana splits. Every time I walk into an icecream parlor, I'll order a banana split. Yum.

But, if I had a banana-split machine at home, would I have one every day? Probably not. I might for the first few weeks, until I just got sick of them. Too much. It's the same with the sex.

But, in a relationship, it's not just one person's desires controlling - it's a partnership, a give and take. In your case, you want it more than he does...it happens. All I can say is to be open and honest about what you want, but don't expect your partner to perform for you just because you want it. Having two kids can take a heck of a toll on things.

And, I've gotta stand up for the guys with desk jobs. You didn't say exactly what kind of desk job he has, but - don't think that a desk job is necessarily a walk in the park. Thinking about something for eight (or whatever) hours at a go, dealing with the stress of meeting deadlines, dealing with managers and coworkers, meeting the responsibilities placed on you - that can be just as draining as eight hours of physical labor, and it probably pays a heck of a lot better than if your man were working at some physical job.

Nothing, no, and...probably yes.

I wanted to note that by having sex 1 to 3 times a week, you are probably having an average to above average amount of sex. If you want more, realize you are wanting well beyond what most people get. This might be a little much to ask. I don't know.

For the record, if I were guaranteed to have sex once a week, I would think I had hit the jackpot.

Same spot
 

I think I am in the same boat but with my wife.

Bateman, how do you find the time?

i sooo still love you, crompsin...

After years of several problems and nearly no sex my ex and I started having serious discussions of what each other expected/wanted. Everything from household chores, recreational activities and yes sex. She said she thought sex should be "about the regular amount." At first I thought alright, progress! But I thought about it for a moment and asked "what's regular to you?" "I don't know, once... maybe once every other month?"

"Check please!"

Sad thing is for the first 12 yrs or so it was 2-3 times a week. For about the last 10 yrs of our relationship I didn't even realize how far apart we were, but that's a whole another thread.

I know some people would say it is selfish, but I would duck out if i wasn't getting any and it wasn't like a physical reason (like he had an accident and couldn't do stuff anymore-but even then I might talk him into letting me get a live in girlfriend. LOL)

I guess the little (in my opinion) that I do get is good. Maybe I will try talking him into working out with me though. That way he'd have less stress and more physical activity and then maybe a higher sexual desire!

I have a problem gauging desire. At least in the situation I'm in. My drive is pretty much full tilt, but my problem is in initiating. I've always been shy and awkward around women. Well, until things get going anyway.

Do you get Time Magazine? If you two are religious, they had an article last week titled And God Said, "Just Do It". Excerpt:
Or, if you want to do the same thing without the religious aspect, consider the page Sex is Fun # 86 - The 30 Day Sex Challenge (there's also a podcast of the show for more inspiration).

I'm in the same boat as Tully was/is. We started out doing it several times a week. After 8 years of marriage and two kids she went the opposite direction as you, she lost interest. We average once a week or less...

BTW, If he really has a lack of energy have him get his testosterone level checked. I had no problems with my libido or getting an erection, but I consistently had low energy. My doc put me on bi-weekly testosterone shots and I have more energy now than I've had since I was in my 20's.

For the record... was not is.

I don't envy you. Being on the begging side is sad. Been there/done that for a couple of years with my ex. Now, if my girls whine at a boy for anything...like begging a guy friend to play ball, tag, etc, I yell at them "Don't ever beg a boy for anything!" (Yea, ok, so I still might have an issue about that)

Anyway, I second having a frank talk and getting his testosterone level checked. Bi-weekly shots or daily cream on the shoulders can fix it. Fare warning about the testosterone, though..ah, I'll just PM you.

Sex every day? I'm too tired to even jerk off every day. Maybe I'm just getting old.

I would think jerking off would be more work than getting off with a SO, then somebody else is doing the work too. I got nothing against self pleasure, but I can say no to that faster than I can say no to some mutual lovin'.

But that's just me I guess.

Here's a joke I read:

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe

hehe! Now that's a funny joke, Milky.

From this male's perspective, masturbation takes less energy than sex with a partner, even if it is just receiving a blow job. The feedback loop is smaller; I know what I am feeling and can adjust accordingly. With sex, that feedback loop has to be communicated through a second party.

(Of course, having sex with my wife is more fun than masturbation... but it does require more energy.)

Exactly ditto every piece of this.

Sex with another person--including sex where I'm entirely passive, which wouldn't work for me anyway--requires a level of focus and concentration that masturbation doesn't. I can (and occasionally do) jerk off in my sleep.

Wow this thread vexes me a little(not really). I'm am addicted to the idea of my woman wanking next to me and she knows it and she still won't do it. I lay awake often just hoping to catch a glimpse of this, and nothing. There ARE women out there that can strum one out next to their husband. I've probably lost over a thousand hours of sleep over this strange quirk(not to be confused with strange quark).

I'm also want to get it on regularly, and I think my wife might now to. Things are so weird from years of weirdness, though, that it keeps us from doing it but like once every few weeks.

Sidebar. Many years ago, I did catch her in the middle of the night. Just those little sounds were so amazing. This was, sexually, my favorite moment in our relationship.

Agreed. Sometimes I will plan a masturbation when I get home, but once I get off from work, I'm too tired. There's no way I could have sex every day.

I think I'm definitely affected by the stress of work too. I'd say we're a 2-3x/week and then on the weekend we're 2-3x/day. Makes vacations fun!

Sometimes you just don't feel like it, plain and simple. I don't think it's a knock on you Milky.

Even though it's a joke, it goes a different route to make the same two points that come up time and time again in relationship advice threads: the most important thing is communication, and relationships have to be two-sided.