Milkyway

Thanks for all the advice. I am definitely trying not to be pissed when I gotta go without. I talked to some of my girlfriends with kids around my kids' ages and they all think I am crazy, some of them have only had sex like twice in the last six months and think that was too much. One said she hasn't had sex in 9 months-YES 9 MONTHS and she is not pregnant-says she is afraid to get pregnant again-other two kids were both ooops on birth control. I'm like just slap a cap on him and do it girl.

Anyway, I see that I am in the minority here, especially for being a woman with children. And my hubby is stressed at work, but I have turned up the heat in our relationship a little bit, and hopefully we can find some medium ground. In the mean time I think I need to buy some new porn and get a fancy vibrator, either that or a girlfriend to bring home and play with.

Any more advice is always welcome!

I still don't understand why sex has to change when you wear a ring on your left hand for a few years.

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Redlemon

Milky: I just took another scan through this thread. I see that you have asked your husband for more frequent sex; however, I don't see a statement of what his response to that request has been?

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Tully Mars

Answer that and I think they'll give you your own talk show. Which could be good for you- lot's of cash. And good for the rest of us- Dr. Phil might drop off the face of the earth.

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Milkyway

Originally I didn't come out and ask him I would just make moves and he'd push me a way and roll and say he was tired in a whiny voice.

But since starting this thread i have actually talked him him a bit about it:

When I tease with him playfully he smiles at me and says "You're a freak," which I take as a compliment.

But when we finally talked about it seriously, he said he would see what he could do, he said he just isn't getting enough sleep lately, but if he can get some sleep I can get some lovin'.

He said his back has been bothering him lately. He assured me that doesn't affect the sex, he said during sex it is like "what back?", however it does affect his sleep, so he doesn't get the same quality of sleep that he needs.

We talked about how I want it all the time and although he enjoys it, he just thinks every day is a little excessive. but he didn't want to have like set times or anything. Which is cool with me, I have just started messing with him during movie time and dinner time and other non sleep times. Although he still gets sleepy afterward.

He wants sleep I want sex, the compromise is to make sure the sex doesn't get in the way of his sleep. I think I can do that, but remember we are working around when little kids are awake too, so that puts some limits on us.

Anyway, still wont happen everyday, at least not until his back is better and he is sleeping better-but it will happen more often if I am sure to initiate at the right times.

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Redlemon

Ahh, that sounds much better, Milky. Three cheers for communication!

So, how to fix his back... better mattress? massage therapy? exercise? painkillers? Have him ask his doctor to suggest something.

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Tully Mars

IMO, Opt for the pain killers as last resort. They kill your sex drive, not what you seem to be looking for here.

Life style changes, exercise, better mattress- even simple stretching can really help the back (as well as the rest of you.) Again, IMHO.

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Jozen-Bo

Hello Milkyway!

I have been married for 8 years now, approaching the 9th. I find my circumstances similar. We lived in America for the first 4 years and humped like rabbits, 3 times a day or more. Later, we moved to Europe. She found work and I didn't. So she would come home tired and I would find myself horny and pestering her for sex. Then the tables turned. She got pregnant and I got work. I'd come home too tired to want it...or feel it if I did. And I tend to overwork myself on the side as well.

As to your first question...wanting to have sex is the way nature made us, our parents had sex and here we are, anyone who denies this urge is retarded somehow...as that is not natural. Nothing wrong with you there!

I want more too...I can't get enough...restless as I am! Life can get complicated...

I do...work my ass of...more specifically my brain, I get paid to control my thoughts like a calculator and go home with head aches, only to engage in more thought activities as my conscious dictates. Ouch...

As for your man...if he isn't working so much, perhaps there is a lot in his mind, his need to succeed is weighing on his mind as his time runs away. Men are like this, they are driving instinctively by many generations of breeding to achieve.

Also, if you two are simply too comfortable and possessive of each other, this will kill the drive faster then anything. Once you start seeing yourself or the other as a possession (which can happen in marriage), the sex sparks start fizzling bit by bit.

Confidence is a winner! Are you confident in your self? If not, this may be adding to the problem. When one is confident, they appear independent (confidence doesn't really on others), and that leads to a sense of the unknown, the mysterious. That is always exciting!




No! Your healthy!

No! If he's open minded, communicate with him and perhaps play with yourself if he doesn't object, even if it doesn't get him excited, it keeps tensions down.

So am I, but I will never get tired...(oh dear...am I bragging?)...of having sex, I am hopeless. Though when I work and work and work more, I find that we aren't at it as much, the pregnancy also plays a role. Enough about me...sorry...

If hes in his early thirties, then he should be one horny toad...???


Be happy with the sex there is...yes! Here are the big, big, big keys; Communication and Understanding

communicate your desires to each other and play them out...are there any fantasies to explore? Try them.



This is a great idea, most men who aren't too dominating or controlling won't object to this. If he's zapped, I think your ideas here are excellent. If he doesn't mind...try it! I know for myself that it is very exciting to see a women play with herself. Also, if he is really beat up from work or something, loosen him up with a good massage first. Be patient for the changes and they will happen; if rushed...he will feel rushed and that will make it harder to excite him.

I wish the two of you what I wish for my own relation...the best and most healthy sex possible!

PS...whats he eating (food and sexual potency are without a question connected...).

Hahahaha!!! Sorry, the oops birth control thing got to me...haven't men ever heard of self control? You know...pull out before its too late? As to the women having it 2 every two months, how could they give any good advice? Be weary not to end up like that...you have a right to get off!

I agree about not getting pissed, it only adds water to the flood!

This is the idea!!! Especially that last part...will most likely drive him nuts...he'll do a little dance as he walks to work and you will rule him if he's into that stuff! Lucky man I add, its not always easy to find women so open sexually!

FlatLand Flyer

I have been with my now wife for 12 years, married for 3. It has never been as frequent as I would like and I have discussed and argued about this with her many times. I have come to the realization that it will never be as frequent as I would like, which I can live with. My main problem, and I would guess this is a problem is many long term relationships, is that when we do have sex it is boring. It is almost the exact same every time and has been for years. I can't even remember the last time I thought we had great or exciting sex. Now it is to the point that even if she is willing to have sex I have to have a debate with myself if I want to have the same boring sex or masturbate to porn on the internet or Penthouse Letters.

It is pretty depressing actually.

genuinegirly

Makes for some creative thinking. Sounds like you're on the right track. Whatever you do, don't stifle your sex drive. Remind him that he might sleep more soundly if he gets a little release during the day.

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BentNotTwisted

I had back problems. Several years ago, it started with a strange twinge when I would move certain ways. Then I had my back go out completely. I went to my regular doctor who also happens to be an osteopath. He helped me get my back working again, sort of. There was still consistent low level pain, even when I did daily back exercises. If I slacked off on exercises the pain became acute.

Then I heard about back supplements. I started taking a daily combination of MSM and Glucosamine. It worked like magic. I no longer have to do the daily exercises and I have no back problems. I've heard good things about Chondroitin suppliments as well, but haven't needed to try them. Just an FYI, your mileage may vary.

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Milkyway

Thanks got him a combo pill with all three in it, that in addition to some nightly stretches and new shoes and he is doing much better. Still not getting laid every night, but maybe we can work him up to that.

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TH12

Milkyway, My sense is that you two may have a power struggle going on. You're trying to be the sexual controller, and he's trying to deal with his self image of being the man who is the more sexually eager, and the reality of a wife who's never satisfied (for long). You've mentioned getting a girlfriend a few times. He could also be feeling like he can't satisfy your needs, even if he did give you a daily hot session, because you'd still have a desire for a female sometimes.

Nothing gets a man out of the mood more than feeling overwhelmed and/or powerless. Power struggles in marriage tend to get reflected in the sex lives of the couple. The one power he truly has is the power to be unwilling. Traditionally, wives used this power to make their hubbies beg for it, and buy them diamonds, etc. Now that women have become sexually empowered by the liberation movement, many women are a little bosy, or demanding, sexually.

I'm not saying that men don't wish their wives would initiate more equally often, since many do wish that. But the sexually hungry woman has an energy that can be intimidating to a man. That seems to describe the situation you face. So I'm suspecting that you may be intimidating your husband with your needyness, or your sexual demandingness.

Yes, back pain can be a huge arousal killer to. Feeling like he's flabby and his wife is a hottie can make him feel unworthy of her. Worries about his work, or his job stability, can make him feel small to.

I don't know what it is, but I'm recommending you give some thought to what might be intimidating him. And maybe do some things to help him feel sexually powerful relative to you. I could suggest laying over his lap for a spanking. Or offering to be his sex slave for a weekend, especially if you could leave the kids with their grandparents that weekend. You might want to find ways to let him have a little larger share of the power in your relationship, and see if that helps.

Good luck.

Mortons

milkyway,

I'm at times in the same boat your guy. Let me tell you about my reasons why my drive can be down.

1) The stress of providing for a family of 5.

2) Trying to be a good dad to my son and 2 daughters is emotionally taxing.

3) My SO is in a Master Program at a local University and her focus and mine are not in the same direction currently. And I can only handle reading and talking about the philosophical nature of sociology and education for so long until I fall asleep after being on the go from 6am to 9pm either working or cooking and cleaning to pick up the slack from her needing to study (she watches the kids during the day).

4) I don't care for quick, casual sex. I prefer it to be 'gourmet'. My SO is multi-orgasmic, and I feel the 'need' to help her orgasm at least 8 times in a session, at about this point I notice her satisfied state begins. This is probably wrong of me to feel this way, but it is what it is. But her response really hits my personality well, as I love to please her.

5) I like to connect emotionally and energetically with my SO. And I cannot do that quickly or easily without having spent sometime just holding her or resting my hand on her back or hip or head. It is really quite fulfilling.

Regarding the low testosterone. Men move in cycles with their testosterone. My Dr. told me it was normal for a man to swing from the high to low end of the scale throughout the year. In the last 12 months, I've swung the full range for Testosterone, and when it is low, it does no good to harp on the man. That feeling of unhappiness isn't helpful for a man at all.

- M

Tophat665

I was feeling a bit underserved/underutilized in the physical side of my marriage some months ago. I read Will's thread in the HOF about cycle tracking and developed a tracking spreadsheet. (I'm an Excel pervert - it's a curse, but it makes me money.) I track Sex, Unusual sex (as a subset of sex, to include fellatio, kink, and anal), and her orgasms (separately). After a couple of months, I started letting Mrs. Hat in on the trends that were shaping up. We're averaging about 15 rounds a month now with 15% unusual and 20% her orgasming. We were at 23, 3, and 6 last month, though (shooting for once daily and falling just a little short).

Sometimes having a goal will make it attainable.

Flip side of this is I do not want McDonald's hamburger sex. I want prime rib or filets wrapped in bacon, with the occasional pecan crusted trout to keep things lively. Surprisingly, by making her more aware of it, the sex became much more passionate.

To your situation, masturbating in bed next to him ought to work. Lingerie ought to work. Putting the kids to bed, grabbing him by the dick and saying, "This is the part where I am going upstairs with your dick, are you coming?" has the potential of backfiring, but would surely get my undivided attention. Waking him up with a blowjob and jumping on board once he's up and running might or might not work (depends how he wakes up).

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abaya

Wow. That's... impressive, that you were so dedicated to tracking these things. I can see it helping for the short term, just to make you guys more aware of these patterns (and it's damn honest!)--are you a social scientist, by any chance?! But how long do you think you'll keep up the tracking? I guess some couples would become resentful over time, of the literal "keeping score," but it all depends, I guess.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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Tophat665

Project financial analyst. Excel pervert. I track EVERYTHING with a spreadsheet and plan most things with Visio diagrams.

Probably as long as I have this computer. I'll just change the logic on it to go in 4 week cycles after menopause. One could look at it as keeping score, but I prefer to look at it as a health issue, so tracking sex is akin to her counting points on weight watchers or my tracking sit ups and weights lifted.

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digme

I like the idea of keeping it interesting. What guy could resist his girl in some hot lingerie, a new toy, a quicky at lunch or even bringing a friend over. You probably have to talk about the threesome a bit more before trying it, but the others would be a great surprise in my book.

Dude in Hammock

Human beings did not evolve for monogamy -- especially men. It's nothing against you; it's just biology. All this well-intentioned advice will not, I'm afraid, be of any help to you. The reality is that we evolved to have several different partners simultaneously and our bodies and psyches don't give a damn about contemporary morality. Before anyone says, "Well, we can rise above our evolved nature," let me stipulate that yes, we can. Sometimes. But not without paying a price. It is our nature to get plenty of exercise and eat low fat diets. We can ignore that, but look what happens to us. Men respond to novelty in sexual partners above all else. It's the same with most male mammals. It's called the Coolidge Effect. Ask any farmer. If you don't change up the females, the male loses interest rather quickly.

Sad, perhaps, but true. Hot sex is the result of youth + desire + obstacles (you were only together one weekend a month, remember?). Now that you're together, it's simply not realistic to expect your sex lives to be like they were before. You can't eat your delicious dinner and still be hungry. Such is life.

Herk

Dude in Hammock pretty much summed it up. Very interesting. Thanks for putting that into perspective.

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Dude in Hammock

My pleasure, though I don't really get much pleasure from telling people their pain is unavoidable. But it's worse if they destroy a family in search of life-long, neverending sexual bliss. I'm writing a book about this now. You can check it out a bit on our blog at Psychology Today: Lust in Paradise | Psychology Today Blogs.

Tophat665

DIH, it's strange, but, while I admit to a certain preference for a younger looking woman, the definition of younger looking seems to be aging with Mrs Hat. It so often seems to me that the titty board is populated with counterfeit 12 year olds, and I find that as the missus, and more tellingly I'm sure, the various startlets of adult film on whom I imprinted in my teens, age, my definition of attractive ages with them and what I used to find unacceptable flaws start to fall under my radar. Maybe there's a saturation point, beyond which perception won't erase age, but me and mine are drawing towards the end of our fourth decades. Also, after steadily dropping off for some time (2 kids, 2 years apart will do that), now that they can be unsupervised for considerable periods, the sex has gotten more frequent, more inventive, and more passionate. So it's a matter of getting a second wind and a fresh look at it.

Not, mind you, that I would turn down a busty, shaved, redheaded, 20 year old nymphomaniac who wanted to come home and do the both of us, but I am not going to throw away steady good sex just to sniff a strange crotch, no matter how attractive the surrounding woman. (Within reason, mind you. I am sure that somewhere out there is the proposition I could not say no to. I just hope it involves the missus.)
-----Added 5/8/2008 at 08 : 22 : 19-----
To take a specific issue, I'd call this the 2+2 formula for hot sex. Long experience and focussed attention along with a willingness to try something new can lead to very hot sex indeed. That's the 1+3 formula. Both get you to hot sex. Will it be the same as it was at the outset? Of course not! But it can be even better because you know what buttons to push and so, presumably, does your parter.

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Dano069

Wanting sex ebbs and flows over the course of a marriage. My wife and I have been married 25 years now and we go at it like cats and dogs these days. Most of our sessions are morning sessions though, since we're too wiped out by the end of the day. Try having sex at different times of the day. When we had small kids (all of ours are over 16 now) we found it hard to fit sex in but we managed over time.

I suggest quickies every now and then. I'll cop a feel every now and then as we pass in the hallways, or when she's getting ready to jump in the shower, I suckle on her breasts and finger her to an orgasm or two. It doesn't always have to be bedroom sex. Be creative and have fun! Good luck.

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Milkyway

Thanks for all the continued advice. We have been doing pretty good lately. We still aren't at an everyday rate, but we ARE having hotter sex more often and doing a lot more spontaneous and varied things, although our sex was never boring and ritualistic as some people's is. He has been making me so happy sexually lately, I can't imagine being with any other man. And I believe he is feeling quite the same way, um but not wanting any other woman, not man. He is not into guys.

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lalaymami

I may not have been around in life as long as some, but I have always been told that too much of one thing is not good. Even if that thing may be deemed as healthy or "GOOD" for you. To a question like this, honestly, there has to be many answers. I think that it depends on what the person and what they believe in terms of that certain situation. For myself, it matters how you engage in your sexual activities. Meaning rough, fast, slow, gentle, ect. Personally, I do not care for sex like that, so, I do not believe in over doing it, so I can get tired of it. Men are mainly geared from their sex drive. So you would think that they would never get tired of it. But then you do have those males that do not care too much for sex, and could do without it for a while. Or it could just be that their sexual partner is too much for them and has over worked them. Sex for some guys, is like their ego, they NEED it, WANT it, HAVE TO HAVE it. When they have found that someone that NEEDS it, WANTS it, and HAS TO HAVE it, as much as themselves, or more, it is a challange that they cannot keep up with, so they want may not want itas much because of that. I assume that they feel, that is the only department that they have much advantage in and a female that loves it more than them, makes them feel defeated.

Tophat665

re: too much sex...
From where I stand as a married guy, there's three kinds of sex:
1) Steak sex: This is passionate, engaging, creative, possibly kinkuy or exploratory, but usually just a matter of both of us being ready, eager, and focussed on each other. This should never be turned down.
2) Hamburger sex: The quickie. Sex when one partner is half awake. The grunting out of lust. It'll keep you on an even keel, but it's unhealthy to live on a steady diet of. It is relatively easy to get bored with. Sometimes it's worth doing (particularly to keep one's partner happy - she wants a tongue lashing, I want sleep. She'll get the tongue lashing because it will make her happy), sometimes it's best turned down. Here's the key: It can turn into shitty sex pretty quickly if "I'm only doing this to make you happy" becomes part of it.
3) Shitty sex - sex in anger. Sex where both partners are doing it for the other partner and neither is receptive to that. Sex as a non-kinky power game. Passive aggressive sex. Sex where the active partner is so tired they make painful mistakes (Teeth, Chocolate surprise). Ill timed bodily functions (less said about that the better). This is never worth it.

The trick is to engage one's partner in Steak grade sex every time. If you figure out how to do that, please let me know. Enough of the good stuff and the OK stuff is less important, and the bad stuff more rare.

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Cimarron29414

Ya know, I was on your side until this statement. I have been married 9 years and our sex life is nothing like when we first met. Now, we might have sex once a week (if I am lucky) - and I have NEVER been tempted by old flings. Don't fuck around with your marital vows because Karma will nail you. Sounds to me like you have a great husband, a great life, some great kids, and a pretty great sex life (by my standards) - why would you risk all of that for a few extra orgasms?

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curiousbear

Make sure he is very fit, gets enough physical exercise! Make sure he gets enough sleep. Make sure he hears enough music and couple more hobbies that he like. basically make him very live!

And then check whether your as pretty as you were, as kind as you were.

after all this checking, INITIATE. Men get tired easily. Also check whether he is masturbating in bath or at work, if he is already drained easily he wont even seek a release at bed! Sorry if I am too honest

And if he is a nice guy, get a little self-help. Use tools.

Tully Mars

Make sure you're as pretty as you were? Hmm, not even sure what to make of that.

IMO, he should be making sure he stays fit, exercises, gets sleep is happy.

These are jobs for each partner in a relationship to do for themselves.

No one can make someone else happy. Got to do that yourself.

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Plaid13

just a thought but if he works a desk job every day.. does he get any real excercise? A lot of people will feel run down pretty easy if they dont do anything really phsysical fairly often. Thats why most people that work out often feel better then ones that dont. Basicly starts the endless cycle that causes many people to become overweight and it only gets worse as time goes on.

Wanting it every day is never too much to ask. All i can suggest really is try to keep it interesting. do it somewhere new or something new. Need to get into his head and get him interested in more ways then just thinking hey sex is fun.