Just broken up

[Vindicated0411]

My boyfriend of two and a half years and I just broke up last night. It was very hard to do. I have been unhappy the entire summer and I have been ignoring it. It just finally reached the point that I could no longer ignore it and something had to be done. I love him dearly and that is what makes it so hard. You are probably thinking well why don't you work it out. Well, we have been "working it out." We have problems and I will tell him how I feel and his repsonse is "I love you honey, we can work through this." I am just tired of trying to work through it all the time, and he doesn't take it seriously untill things get really bad. Several monthes ago we had this same problem and I found myself liking another guy as a result of it, granted nothing happened with this other guy, my boyfriend and I almost broke up but decided to work it out. The biggest problem we have is that we don't have enough time together, we are both in college and extremely busy. I am a mechanical engineering major and his is computer science, he graduates this fall and I am starting my junior year as we speak. My classes are already crazy and I barely have time for myself. I just realized that I am never going to stop being busy the next two years of my life and I can't handle this relationship when I am not getting out of it what I need, and when I don't have the time to commit to it. But breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love him with my heart and soul and the thought of being without him is enough to make me burst into tears. I know he loves me. I didn't want to hurt him but this is hurting me too. I know I am not happy and he just seems to take me for granted and I couldn't handle this any longer. I would like to write more on the situation but I am posting this between classes and time has run out.

I would just like some incite from all of you and any thoughts on how to help with the healing process.

[Bill O'Rights]

Originally Posted by Vindicated0411

...any thoughts on how to help with the healing process.

It's already begun.

[BigBaldRon]

You are a Mechanical Engineering major and you dont know that it's INSIGHT, not INCITE?

Anyway, the best thing to do is chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. Dont forget the good times, but learn from the bad.

[Bill O'Rights]

Originally Posted by BigBaldRon

You are a Mechanical Engineering major and you dont know that it's INSIGHT, not INCITE?

Then it's a damn good thing that she (I assume she) is not an English Major.
I work with mechanical Engineers all day...every day. If the biggest mistake that they made was to confuse insight with incite, then I would be one happy little S.O.B.

The most dangerous thing, in my world, is an Engineer with a new Power Transmission catalog.

[Shauk]

Originally Posted by Vindicated0411

The biggest problem we have is that we don't have enough time together.... My classes are already crazy and I barely have time for myself... I can't handle this relationship when I am not getting out of it what I need, and when I don't have the time to commit to it.....

well you haven't delved into the specifics of what he does that you think he should take seriously, but everything I quoted above seems kind of contradictory.

"not enough time together" - so your logic is to cut him out of your life entirely, I could be wrong but, thats akin to saying 5$ isnt enough, and then throwing it away. It could just be me but I'd be inclined to say keep what you have with the guy if you really love him like you say you do.

because everything you listed implies that you have personal issues with your time management. You just said you dont have time together, time for yourself, and you dont have time to commit to it, so I mean, if you insist on breaking up with someone that you supposedly love, then at least have the decency to do it without putting any blame on him.


If this is the result of any latent issues you have with trusting him, because you're not there to constantly monitor him and make sure that things are alright then that something else entirely, but that may not be the case, I dunno, it just seems like you're over-reacting about the severity of your situation. if nothing else you could treat it like a long distance relationship while you guys are in school, sounds like with your time management issues it creates the exact same environment of not being able to see the other person very often.

[Sultana]

It's called not putting in good effort after bad. She's not getting what she needs with the current level of effort, and she doesn't seem to have the resources to carve out more time for more effort. Seems pretty simple to me.

I can't see anything that alludes to trust issues at all.

[Shauk]

Originally Posted by Sultana

It's called not putting in good effort after bad.

I dont see any effort at all though.

Originally Posted by Sultana

I can't see anything that alludes to trust issues at all.

when someone is saying they dont have time to be all up in someones life, and use that as a basis for breaking up, its usually just cuz they dont trust them to be alone without the constant checking up on them or something.

[surferlove007]

I think you made the right choice.
If it was adding to your stress level and making life harder then its better you dealt with it now instead of another 2 years down the road.
Focus on school, thats the most important thing right now...especially since we're paying for school UGH

Since now you've got free time, WORK OUT!
I always say that for break-up advice, but it really does work.
I'm actually taking 3 Personal Fitness classes this semester, which helps keep me in shape for being apart from James while also helps me sleep and not to think about the LDR we're in for the time being.

So WORK OUT!
Don't second guess your decision.
You did the right thing.
If the relationship has issues that are never fully resolved those issues can turn into a cancer until they're taken care of between both parties or until they kill the relationship from the inside out.

You'll be fine.

[Menoman]

1) severe contact unless necessary (to get stuff back, switch bills around if you lived together)

2) keep BUSY, if you have been unhappy all summer, think back to when you were happy.. and do those things constantly. Also try new things, pick up a tennis racket, some golf clubs, a basketball. Whatever just stay busy.


That was advice given to me when my fiancee left me awhile back. I was in a pretty intense depression for about 2 months, (ie; go to work, go home, sleep/tv nonstop til work again, ad nadeum) I gained a fair amount of weight oddly, even though I wasn't eatting for shit etcetc... it was brutal.

The way I see it now, the greivance period doesn't have to be that long or that bad if you follow those 2 rules. Your mind will be off of the shittyness, and after a few months, after forcing yourself not to think about it, and forcing yourself to be happy. Crazily enough.... you WILL be happy, and you won't think about it much anymore.

I didn't read your entire post extremely in depth since I'm at work right now, but if this was your first love, or even if it was one of the real loves you will have. You are never going to forget it, 10 years from now something will happen, and you'll be reminded of this time, but you'll eventually just start to remember less and less and it will take a significant clue to make you rememeber again.


Those 2 rules were told to me by someone from another board, very smart person. They WORK.

[Infinite_Loser]

Wait... So let me get this straight. You say you love him with all your heart and you know that he loves you dearly, but then you state that you don't have the time to try to work out your issues because you're 'busy'? That ummm... That really makes no sense to me. No matter how busy I was, if I truly loved someone and we were having problems, I'd make time for them.

At the risk of sounding like a dick, your reasons for breaking up with him seem a bit half-assed to me. If you "Don't have the time", then that's because you have some time management issues. In my experience, the only reason issues aren't worked out is because one party doesn't want to work them out and, to me, it doesn't seem like you're trying very hard to work out any issues you and him have. But that's just my opinion.

[Menoman]

Good point Infinate.

From my experience, I think it's a huge cop-out and avoidance of issues when something like that is pulled.

If this guy wasn't taking the "working on the relationship" seriously though, I think the right decision was made.

Fuck 'em, he obviously wasn't as in love as you think or he would have taken it a bit more seriously.


But on the other hand, in his defence. Some women have a tendancy to want to nag about little shit, and if they nag and nag and nag, it gets truly difficult to understand what is really a problem and what is just a dumb little nag. Which usually also results in the situation she has described.


I don't really know what the real problem is here, but not being together seems like a fine solution since in possibility a) he wont take it seriously b/c he's not as in love as she thinks he is, or in possibility b) she probably won't stop nagging and the line between nagging and a true problem will always remain cloudy.


No matter what, the 2 points I posted above, are still the best advice for getting over it in my opinion.

[Sultana]

It is kinda hard to see even the OP's complete PoV, much less get a balanced idea of both sides.

[tecoyah]

I was her boyfriend....OK, not actually him, but I was that guy. I neglected my wife without seeing it at the time, and it is because of this that she became unhappy with our marriage. I also thought I was trying to "Fix" things about myself in an effort to save what we had, and unfortunately fixed the wrong things....heh. The similarities here are profound, as my wife also loves me very much, but she no longer felt it was enough to hold us together, and we both suffer because of it.
Likely, what we are not getting in the OP is the failure on HER part to communicate clearly what she needs to be happy. We males are not the brightest when it comes to figuring out what women truly want, let alone whats bothering them. In a way it all comes down to communication, and honesty with yourself and your SO. The OP has pretty much created her own unhappiness through a form of neglect she may not have recognized either....Neglecting to ask for what she needs.

[Midnight]

pfft.
you love each other so much, but you cant find the time to work on the relationship - im sorry but i dont buy it - f you are that in love - and the love is that strong on both sides - you will find a way. find a way to make more time, find a way to communicate better, if the love is that strong - its GOING to withstand time apart, heavy workloads, stress, anxiety... all it takes is commitment, communication and effort on both parts to keep the relationship afloat. to me all this looks like is someone wanting an out and blaming it on being busy. and hell - there's no crime in still liking someone but preferring to be alone. relationships can be a hassle sometimes. but i would have had a lot more respect for the poster if they had said "we broke up, i still care a great deal for this person and this is a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be to end it, and i'm trying to rationalize my behavior now"

lol, of course now i look like a mean and insensitive jerk, but lol, thats ok. i dont mind.

[Sultana]

I feel like I see a lot of projection in the responses. Interesting.