Relation/sex question
 

Hi all. I have been going out with a fantastic woman for almost two years now. She has a 7 year old son. I love them both. I think the Lady could be the one for me, as in marriage. But she has no sex drive. We have fooled around a few times when she was horny, always me taking care of her. But my needs are totally unimportant to her. We have never done the deed. I don't want to pressure her but I need things in life too. I don't want to be celibate. I love this girl so much. But two years? I have tried hard to communicate how I feel towards her. She doesn't seem to care. I am extremely attracted to her. This has become torture. I don't think I am asking for too much here. I really don't want to ever break up with her but I think I deserve a normal sex life. She is not affectionate at all. But she swears that she loves me and wants to get married. I like to touch the woman I'm in love with. She recoils every time I try. To me the intimacy is a big part of a relationship. And I'm not getting it. Two years, folks. What should I do??? Write it off? Keep trying? I'm 38, she's 31. I'm far too old to waste my time. I love her with all my heart. But I have needs too. Ideas?

Thanks.

recoils... indicates trauma. She's not willing to talk about it with you, but what about a professional?

No, thanks. I want to be with her, and her alone.

If she meets yours emotional needs and that is enough stay. If you want sex - run away.

I think you misunderstand. genuinegirly is I believe suggesting that she seek professional help (in the form of a therapist) and not that you seek professional help (in the form of a.. professional). She's got something that's getting in the way and that's what therapists are there for. You might suggest it to her.

One of my co-workers is in the same boat. His girl started seeing a therapist a few months ago and he says there has been some good improvements so far. See if she will go.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the recoiling may indicate that she's not attracted to you, but is willing to put up with you. She won't please you, but will marry you? Your needs are unimportant to her. That doesn't sound like love to me.

Could she be looking for a father for her child? Someone to take care of her?

Get out and don't look back. Unless there's something you haven't said, this does not sound good for you.

Honestly, if she's not willing to get into professional counseling, I would seriously rethink your commitment to the relationship. Do you want to go without sex for the rest of your life?

Yes, it seems quite clear that either the lady is in need of therapeutic assistance, or she simply has no attraction to you. But in either case, this is something that requires resolution, and would seem to be in great need of communication. You need to talk with her, honestly and caringly, and let her know you love her, but this can't go on without addressing the issues. Either she needs to let you know where she's at, and, if necessary, seek professional help; or she needs to admit that she is not physically attracted to you, in which case the relationship would seem to be at a close.

This is difficult, but you must talk with her. The worst possible thing to do would be to ignore this problem and marry her. It would be unfair to all of you, the child not least.

STRONGLY seconded. There's something in her past she hasn't dealt with, and she should get into some sort of therapy--if not for you, then for her. I've been in this relationship. It's not pretty. She needs you to show the way, here, because whatever trauma in her past has her being like this, it's now just how life IS for her, and she has no idea there could be any other possible way.

Not sure when you got divorced, but you went from being married to this woman I'd assume not to long after.

So you met this person you are really into, and she has a kid + no sex drive....

Well first maybe it is some past trauma thing, or maybe shes not into you, or just not into sex, but the fact that you can do unto her and she won't do unto you sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

The rational thing to do is cut your losses and find someone new, don't line yourself up for two divorces. My rule of thumb is that if she doesn't like to fuck like a bunny when you are first together, you are setting yourself up for one of those 'no sex' relationships 10 years down the road.

Love is both fortunately and unfortunately not rational. You can try therapy and the like, but if shes not willing to talk about it and work on it, its not going to work out.

Your post smacks of the very reason why so many couples get divorced.

You have a lot of work to do before even considering getting married......

Jerk off on her while she's sleeping.




I'm an asshole.

Unless I'm completely wrong I believe the "professional" comment was in reference to a professional for her to talk to, as in a counselor.

Not knowing the whole situation I think that's not a bad idea. Unless, as other's have noted she's really not interested in you other then as someone who can provide for her and be a father to her son. If that's the case run like hell and don't look back.

ask her to go with you to couples therapy. if she says no....

run like you stole something.

good luck and updated us on what happens!!!

The subconscious leaking through here?

I completely agree with Ustwo here. I really don't see this working out, and it would probably be best to cut your losses.

It's been two years, and it sounds like you haven't even begun to really work the problems out. I mean the trauma assumption is pretty easy to come across, and professional help is the logical answer. If after two years you haven't begun to take the right steps, are you ever going to?

I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy here, it just doesn't look good in my eyes, and two years is a long time to waste.

Dude, I was in a relationship without intimacy for about 8 months and it drove me freaking crazy. I don't know how anyone would think that a relationship without any kind of intimacy is acceptable.

You're friends without benefits. You take care of her emotional needs and be a father to her son while she treats you like any one of her good friends.

Lets just say the teeter-totter is leaning one way and doesn't look like it will swing back at any point.

Good luck (I think it's time to punt)

Here is a simple and totally effective way to determine your attraction factor:

If you knew you would NEVER have sex (or lovemaking)
with her, would you still be seeking to be in this relationship

If not, then LOVE her by not letting either of you to suffer for anything less than
an enjoyable and passionate and growing relationship. MOVE ON ...

Note - it should be EASY to be with your partner.
She is showing you how she naturally is with you. You state you don't like it.
If you two decide to marry - and she doesn't change ( more physical, more intimate, more playful, etc ...) can you honestly say she fooled you ? I think not. Now -- if you answer YES to the big question above, then help / therapy may do a world of good.

Are you scared you won't find another girl you naturally and easily like to be with ? Cause if you are afraid, or fearful when you think about going back 'out there' - you have to - as Tom Cruise was admonished -- stop shoplifting the pooty ! ( or in your case, stop shoplifting the Idea of shop lifting the pooty !

< I wish you all the best, think it through -- remember - IT SHOULD NOT BE HARD ! You both deserve a totally satisfying relationship. And you can't both be satisfied if one of you is NOT Satisfied - and that's you ! >

cmc, thanks for the reply. Thats pretty much how I feel. I guess I just needed to hear it from somebody on the "outside." I've never had a relationship problem like this before. It's very frustrating. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but things can't go on like this much longer.

Thanks everyone for the replies. It doesn't look good at all. She keeps telling me that she will work on the intimacy issues. I fear that she is going to do as little as possible. Just enough to keep me from leaving but not enough for me to ever really be happy. I'm not willing to give her an ultimatum yet because I don't want to Demand intimacy, you know? I want for her to want it too. I'm going to talk to her some more about it and I'm going to suggest therapy. I really am in love with her so I'm going to keep trying for now. But I'm afraid the end is near. She deserves to be happy and I deserve to be happy. Right now I can honestly say that I am miserable. I barely feel like I'm in a relationship. She says that I make too big a deal about sex and intimacy. To me they are very important in a relationship. This is the strangest relationship situation I have ever been in. I see her pretty much every weekend. Being so close to a woman who I love and am very attracted to but knowing I can't touch her is maddening. Some of you might think I'm being overly dramatic but keep in mind: It's been 22.5 months!

Ummm, I don't think ANY of us think you are being overly dramatic. I think most of us think you are making yourself miserable for a noble but, ultimately, doomed cause. Get yourself out of there before you get in any deeper, if she refuses to get professional help. And I mean, she should be on the phone TODAY, making an appointment with a counselor... if she's not ready to contribute to the relationship by making you happy, then "being in love with her" is not going to save it. If she is trying to make you feel guilty about "making a big deal about sex and intimacy," then that's all the warning you need... she has no understanding of the role of physical intimacy in a relationship. (I say this as someone who was in the same position as she was, due to religious influence, in my late teens... but thankfully, I did grow out of it... but still lost a relationship as a result.) Do you want this for the next 50 years??? Because that's all you're gonna get, buddy. Never marry anyone with the expectation that they are going to change. They are going to stay just as they are, or they'll change in ways that you never imagined... but they'll never change the way that you want them to.

:lol:

Overly dramatic? You have the patients of a saint.

I think you're the one with the patients, Ustwo.

Ok, I've been sort of lurking in this thread for a little bit now, content that everybody else was saying all the stuff that I was thinking anyway, but a lot of the stuff you're saying makes it seem like your situation is VERY similar to the situation I was in not too long ago, so I'm chiming in...

Keep in mind that obviously, I don't know anything more about the workings of your relationship beyond what you've posted here.

Let's say that your problem isn't about sex/physical contact. Let's say that, for example, she had the bad habit of never calling you if she was going to be unable to make it to a date. Pretty much everybody agrees that that's a bad thing to do, right?

Now, say you've been going out with this person for two years, and this was a constant problem. They're always late to dates or just outright stand you up, and never call, and when you mention that this is a problem to you, they say that you're just making a big deal over nothing.

I imagine that this would strike most people as a kind of lousy thing to say to someone they're in a relationship with. You've mentioned a real issue to someone who is supposed to love you and care about you, and they just outright dismiss the issue as you being too demanding.

While it's a different subject, her brushing off your perfectly justifiable request for physical intimacy like that shows the same lack of respect for your feelings.

Unless her son's adopted, she's had sex before, so there could be some issues involved. Here's the thing, though: issues or not, she's not just completely ignoring your feelings, but she's going as far as to call them unreasonable.

And judging from the tone of your posts, you believe her.

I know all too well how easy it is to automatically think that you're asking too much out of a relationship and go along with what the other person wants. The thing is, if you were demanding sex no less than five times a day, then yeah, that could be seen as a little excessive by some. But as-is, you're just looking for anything.

The fact that it's all forms of physical intimacy just compounds the problem further.

You should never feel like you have to demand, ask, beg, etc, for any sort of intimacy from a significant other. This was a huge issue in my last relationship, and the person I was with literally claimed that she never initiated any physical contact because I "never asked her to".

This is, quite simply, insane logic, and even when I did try to start anything (from cuddling, to kissing, to sex), I was almost always turned down, sometimes with a recoil added for an extra blow to the self-esteem.

Think about how you feel about her. You want to not only show affection, but have affection shown towards you. From what you've mentioned, it really sounds like even if you do manage to get her to show any affection towards you, she'll comply simply to get you to stop asking. The fact that you mentioned this issue and she dumped the entire thing on your head really makes me think that there's not a whole lot of hope for a solution.

Trust me on this, physical contact is important. While you might be tempted to ignore your desire for intimacy for "the sake of the relationship" or because you're "being too needy", the fact is that ignoring it won't make it go away, only make it fester. I did it for almost seven years, and I ended up depressed, frustrated, and resentful. Even now, I'm still always apprehensive about hugging a friend or initiating any sort of physical contact, platonic or otherwise. Being rejected 99% of the time for such a long period conditioned me to not even bother, which is a bad thing.

So, just to summarize:

You're not overreacting.

It is a big deal.

The desire for physical intimacy is completely normal.

I think I'm going to break up with her this weekend. I've had enough of not getting any. I know, that was crude. But I'm just worn out after two years. Thanks for all the help, though!

I can't believe you made it this long. I made it half that time and called it quits with a lady I'd been with over 25 years.

Sorry to hear things did not work out.

was she not open to getting help?


i personally with the limited info i have think you made the best decision, go forth and fornicate at will!!!!

Thanks canuckguy. But fornicating at will was never the point, although I understand what you mean. As far as getting help, she said she was fine with trying. But she blames me for everything short of hurricanes and earthquakes. I'm just worn out. And recently we have been fighting a lot. I'm just not happy. So that's it, I guess.

Hey - Whyodiver33 -- I want to say this -- about 4 years ago - I was in a committed relationship - in which my partner - seemed to have great difficulty in being 'intimate' at times. We talked and I learned her dad had abused her. It felt kinda creepy for making it an 'issue' when I learned that - But - and here is the weird part - in a way - it did not bother her ... I started couple therapy and she would just go apeshit in the counselors office -- making up stuff between us - and avoiding talking about her Dad at all. We WORKED on it for about 4 months -- and she then refused to go, and also started going out to bars at night -- something I did not understand and did not like.

To my knowledge she never hooked up - but basically it was easier for her to hit a club, dance and drink and talk to strangers ( I guess because they didn't talk about the uncomfortable memories of messed up dad ?) - but it affected me , because when I would invite her to go clubbing w/ me - she'd say she was too tired and like go to sleep on a Fri night at like 7 pm ? Next night on Sat if I was in town - same thing. If I was not there - hell she'd head out at say 11 pm and stay out till 3-4 am ... I kept confronting her - and then I finally said I would not date her until we made some progress - in counseling, out of counseling -- wherever. It never happened. When I finally pulled the plug - she went into a dark funk that was pitiful to watch - but what was I to do ?

We are friends now - she shortly after ( 6 months) we stopped, started seeing an old guy ( dad like older ) and they married and then in about 4 months after their wedding - was caught having an affair - with / another guy. She said then, and still says now that our breaking up was like her life was over -- and then her now ex-husbands affair w/ a guy - was so hard for her. She even said - she could have dealt w that if it had only been a girl ? I'm not sure why - when I think of Her having an affair w/ another guy or girl -- I'd be disappointed if it was a guy and I'd pay tickets prices to watch if it was a girl - seriously.

The bottom line - for me it was fuzzy - like you state, but when I got quiet and was honest w/ myself - I knew I wanted, desired and deserved to be in a relationship that I enjoyed - w/o major thoughts about what I did not like in my partner. Hell - who am I to judge, for some other guy - her being that way may be the best thing since birth control and when needed, Viagra. Good luck --

P.S - you can LOVE her / without being in love w/ her. My ex GF - thinks I am one of the best people on the planet.

PPS -- I refuse to be in situations w/ her where being physically intimate could happen. As most of us know - male or female - it's a lot easier getting in than it is getting out, and if one KNOWS they are not it for big time and that the other person is most like HOPING it is big time - well - I just can't touch that and look my self in the mirror in the morning. Finally - PRAYER for me gave me literal miracles. I am convinced it will do the same for you. Peace !

It's a done deal. I will miss her, trust me. I kind of feel that I let her down in a way. But I would rather be without her right now. I deserve to be happy. Life is so farking short.

You're goddamn right you do.

Thanks rlbond86. But it's tough.

I wanted her and I to work out. But it won't happen.

QFT. Good luck, and keep us posted.

Sometimes doing what's best for yourself is in fact doing what's best for those around you.

It's hard to know the whole situation by reading your posts. But my opinion is she's either hurting from some past incident or she was just using you as a means to and end.

Either way maybe your cutting the cord could cause her to look at her own life and situation. Maybe she'll seek help, or at the very least do some serious soul searching.

I know it's a big step, but sometime you just gotta do what you gotta do. Life's too short, I agree with you on that. Learned that lesson myself recently. Actually I learned that lesson several times over my life, I hoping this time the lesson takes.

Best of luck, keep you head up... basically keep on keeping on and everything will work out.

I'm a bit late responding to this thread, but being in a similar situation more than once myself, I thought my input MIGHT be of some use.

Let me begin by congratulating you on doing what must be the hardest thing you can possibly imagine right now .. ending the relationship to save yourself further pain/torment. I KNOW that has got to hurt internally to the core and it takes a huge amount of courage to take that kind of step. Trust me when I tell you this, it WAS necessary.

From everything I've read in this thread, your initial post, your added comments thereafter, and all of the replies, it is clear to me that there is no other solution available to you BUT the one you administered. This woman, however wonderful in every other aspect BUT being intimate with you aside, was clearly not giving you what you needed most .... and I don't just mean intimacy. She refused to give your feelings respect. You told her honestly how you felt, and she dismissed those feelings without remorse. The fact that she recoils from your attempts at intimacy indicate two things very strongly: 1) she has past issues that MUST be tended to by a professional therapist, whether you remain in a relationship with her or not .. or .. 2) she is simply not attracted to you in a physical capacity. It is even possible that both possibilities are true. Some people believe that they can string you along until something better to/for them comes along so they simply don't have to be alone while they wait for their Mr/Miss Right. It is a cold reality and it sucks, but it does happen all too often.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing, however painful and hurt you may feel. Take the time to rediscover YOU, and put aside this situation with her until you are healed up from it some. If there should come a time to confront her about it, you MUST INSIST that she seek professional help (therapy), because the "problem" isn't going to mend itself or just go away. It's not a bad idea to go speak with a therapist yourself about all this either. Sometimes it is the best medicine to talk to a complete stranger about our problems, if only to feel like someone actually cares enough to just listen to you .. and who better to talk to than a paid professional who KNOWS how to listen and interject with safe, sage advice.

I feel your pain, I truly do, but I swear to you that it WILL get better. Just talk with someone you can trust about all this .. face to face .. and get it dealt with so that you can move on .. either with her .. or without her.




I wish you well

I am without her. It's hard.