Dating makes me nervous--fix me
 

Hi all!

Going through analog's dating definition thread made me realize that overall, the concept of dating makes me very nervous.

I've been asked out a few times by a few nice guys in the past couple of months, and I see that I tend to not jump into a definitive "yes or no" response, I don't nail down a date/time, I'm kinda, "ok, yeah, I'd like that..." but no initiation of closure.

A big part of that is I'd like to get to know someone *before* embarking on the dating process, but that just doesn't seem likely--the circles I run in (socially), I encounter (not in a sexual way, dork! :P ) people from all over the state, and so if someone is interested/interesting, I just don't really know when I may see them again without making a specific effort to do so (ie--a date).

[Related rant: On top of it, nearly every single guy (and these are actually nice guys who are now my friends, if not my date) who has asked me out/shown interest has also put the sex card out on the table Right Away. Sheesh! I am No Prude, but come on, I'm not gonna bang every guy who asks me out! I'm disappointed that at my stage of life (past 30...ok, past 35), even the nice guys that I like are still out to get what they can, and it's still up to me to be The Enforcer.]

So for instance, I am on the verge of making a date with (another) apparantly Nice Guy, and up until this point I've been easy-going, relaxed, having fun. Now that he's made his intentions very clear, I find myself getting nervous. What if he's clingy? (my #1 fear.) What if he's a psycho? (my #2 fear.) What if he...etc.

I guess, writing this out, I just have to be prepared at all times, with all guys, to be in control of the situation, and cut it off immediately if I'm not enjoying myself. I need to mentally keep myself in charge of the game, so that I can relax enough to enjoy it instead of feeling like I'm being dragged through it, at the mercy of the other person and their social adeptness or lack thereof.

If you guys have any other input though, I'd *really* appreciate it.

Hmmm....Sultana the best advice I can give you is follow your instincts.

Dating is incredibly nerve wrecking and everyone is nervous about it. But worrying about what if he's this or what if he's that is pointless. Try to enjoy the process of getting to know someone. If you feel your being pressured or something isn't right about the guy, move on. Just say your sorry but no, its not working for you. But if your spidey senses aren't raising the alarm, give the guy(s) a chance.
Take it slow ...you're not desperate so you have the luxury of looking for someone you enjoy being with. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you find.
I wish you well.

Advice #1- Relax, and just have a fun night. Just hang out together, rather than "Go on a Date" if that helps.

Advice #2- Be forthright if he seems to just want some nookie. Seriously, any guy worth his Boxers will take a comment like " I really just want to have fun, and not deal with the whole sex thing tonight" for what it is...honest communication. Any guy who simply does not get it, is not worth the second "Date" anyway.

Advice #3- Stick to your Guns. If I don't respect you, then all you are is a place to park the Car for the night. Neither of us really want that if you have chosen the guy well.

tecoyah is right on this, just think of it as having fun.

"Girls just wanna have funn!"

When I hear that a guy is stressing about going out with a girl or trying to meet a girl or trying to have sex with a girl I always tell them the same thing.

When you go out (no matter the circumstances) your goal should be to enjoy yourself and to have a good time. This way you can't lose, there are no expectations, no stressing, just a plain ol good time.

I think this applies to you as well. If you're goal is to meet someone or even 'figure out' the person you're spending time with then it puts expectations on the evening. Go out and have a good time. If it's meant to then the rest will fall into place.

Good luck!

This is why I never really got into the dating thing and just stuck to sleeping around.

Here's the thing: you're smart, alluring, and lovely. I suspect you'd automatically sort of be in charge because of that. You've got the power to control things. If you're uncomfortable, let him know.

I wish I coud fix you, I need fixing myself!

I think for most people dating is pretty stressful because you just want things to work out, and for there to be no misunderstandings or failure to connect woth one another.

In reality often dating is made up of a good deal of awkwardness, fumbling and confusion.

It's still worth it though when after a few failed ones you hit the jackpot :D

But it's a tough game, and I also find that often it's hard to find a guy who's on the same level in terms of what they are willing to give and what you are willing to give them.

Sounds like you're planning combat operations in Iraq.

"Relax... don't do it... when ya wanna go through it."

I guess that is what it comes down to sometimes.

...

I'm just waiting to feel that infatuation buzz again.

Do you feel that with any of these guys, Sultana?

Quoted for truth.

Sultana, you're over-thinking this. Do what Tec said, plus, make a suggestion for the first date. Go someplace where you can just sit and talk for a while to get to know one another. Going on one date doesn't mean you're automatically committed to this person, so if there's something about them that you wouldn't want (clingy, psycho, etc.) you'll find out easier, plus there won't be any added pressure since it'll be in a more laid back setting (like at a coffee shop or something like that).

That's a really shitty unforeseen-side-effect if ever there was one.

Just be cool. You're there to have fun. If you're honest about the night's expectations (or expectations of what won't happen), then there's nothing left out in the ether to cause awkwardness. Just relax and enjoy the good time. :)

I'll take you out. No reason to be nervous around the King...

I wonder if guys put sex on the table early because they know about your dancing, and assume that because you are clearly SENSUOUS, that you are also SENSUAL.

Either that or men are just tarts who'd bang anything.

Exactly. You also don't owe the other person anything for taking you out. A first date is simply for two people to get to know more about each other.
:paranoid: -> :love:

Exactly. Make the first date or first couple of activities things that honestly allow you to get to know someone without any extra tension or pressure to make things romantic or physical. Go hiking, or to a museum, or a ball game, or to a long lunch somewhere. Set it for a fairly early time of day on a day that you have specific, in stone plans for later in the evening (or make them after the fact). Then tell him "I'll meet you at noon next Saturday. Just so you know, I need to be at my best friend's house for dinner at 6, so I'll need to skip out at 5. That should give us plenty of time to *insert whatever activity is planned here* though."

I personally would appreciate and respect the honesty, and it would make me even more inclined to communicate the same way.

Yeah, just beware of Prince Pokey hiding in your chinos, right?

yes sultana: i think you're getting solid advice here. if you were the type of person who likes to plan things, nearly compulsively, i would say that perhaps you could relax that perspective a bit. get the penis out of your mind, and just concentrate on making a new friend...or finding out that a certain guy won't work. do you get along, or not? the birds and the bees will take care of itself. if you don't want to get bizzy up front, then don't feel compelled to. whether or not i'd suggest holding it against the guy would depend on his particular approach, but i've never gone on a first date and expected to get laid. unless you're taking cash for these 'dates?' :D

seriously, i'd just relax a bit. when you hit someone with chemistry, you'll know it. and after you've gotten to know them, then you can fuck their brains out. nothing like a stress-relief... ;)

Am I the only person here that is mildly perplexed by a way-hot woman that could easily have any guy she wants asking for dating advice?

I know she just got out of a long term prison term with previous dude, but jeez...

...

If she only knew.

I have heard the advice that it is best to put the sex thing out there first. The reason for this is so that you don't have to keep wondering throughout the date when you should ask, or if there are extra meanings within what the other person says, or is your waiting for the right moment to ask if it would happen stressing you out, causing you to "act" in some way instead of being yourself. Asking your date right off if there was a possibility of sex that night doesn't necessarily mean the guy is a pig or a one-dimensional guy. He may be clearing the decks, getting that unspoken element out of the way so that he can focus on the date as it unfolds.
Did you see the scene in "Something About Mary" where the character was advised to masturbate before his date so that he didn't have that unresolved energy throwing him off and affecting his interaction with the girl he was seeing that day? I think that in some cases anyway the asking about sex at the beginning accomplishes the same goal.
Of course, I am not the best one to advise, because I had only one real first date in a quarter of a century . . . it lasted an amazing 24 hours and we are now living together.

Thanks guys, you're alllllright. :D All of you.

Spec: You're right, I do tend to over think. Grr.

Borla: great specific advice.

Tec: #1 is esp. helpful.

WK: Thanks. :P

Crompsin: I don't think of myself that way. It always catches me by surprise when someone expresses any interest. It's not that I think I'm not a cool chick, I just don't go around thinking that, you know?
But I'm getting better at things.

Thanks again. I know TFP always has my back. Feels good!

whoa I'm out of the loop, you're single now?

I would date you in a heart beat! :)

Too much "what if?" What if you missed on on chances with a bunch of great guys because you kept second-guessing yourself and them?

Overthinking it is my problem; trust me, I know how it feels, you just have to let yourself go and have a good time.

Am I the only one who laughed that you are more worried about him being clingy than a psycho? :lol:

I agree with so many responses I can't list them all. But,

That is basically what I was going to say. Start out with shorter daylight excursions in public places, with a set time that you have to be elsewhere. Coffee, lunch, matinee movie, etc. You can always tell them you're saving yourself for marriage, to filter out the ones who only have that on their minds. *joking, well sort of*

Boy am I glad I'm not on the dating scene anymore.

I can be very charming. Ask any of the TFP members that have met me (slept with me)... I'm a great guy.


Not that I'd go in that direction.




I think once you go out with a complete sociopath. Everyone seems like a winner.

Normally my defense in these sort of situations is remembering that the other person is more nervous than I am. Not sure if that one will help you.

The other thing I do is think about the worst thing that could possibly (realistically) happen. It's never as bad as the worrying about if it - so I just skip the worrying part. Just play nice and don't avoid communication just because it's difficult or uncomfortable, and you'll be just fine. :)

Try old school. Meet them face to face before going out and have your date on neutral ground where you will both feel at ease.

I only date people I've met in person (and have enjoyed the company). No internet dating for me!

ItWasMe, I know it's funny that I fear the cling more than I fear the psycho, but hey, I like to hope that psychos aren't as common as needy people. :P

For me it's like the key to a great job interview. Remembering at all times that *you* are interviewing them as much as they're interviewing you. Meeting someone for dinner does not mean anything more than spending time together. It doesn't mean marriage, it is not a promise for sex, it isn't even a promise for another date. You just take it as it comes.

The only rules I've stuck to are treat people like you'd want to be treated. If there is no chemistry, just be gracious but firm about not pursuing a relationship.

I just stumbled across this slightly lapsed thread and just thought I'd comment on the being sexual thing... as a guy who always used to stumble into friend-zone, I was told that you should always indicate some kind of sexual interest fairly early. This doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have sex with them, purely that your interest is not purely platonic... in my case I accomplish that by flirting where I would previously have been cordial. From your description I'm guessing that these guys were a lot more forward than I am though.

"Indicate sexual interest." How does one go about that and still be respectful? HMM.

Tonsil hockey in the parking lot after a fun evening out usually sends the message without fail.

Grabbing a boob? Less subtle. Talking dirty? Okay, back to your ice cream truck, Chester.

She's a woman, you're a man... you got the right parts to do the scrunchy faces dance... so you shouldn't have to indicate anything if you have chemistry. It comes naturally. Being a little assertive helps the chase. Don't throw out the shocker or some tasteless blah-blah... just act on your non-gendered human instincts. I do it all the time because it makes it easier for me to get over the voices in my head.

Shared self-talk. "I think I'm going to kiss you." "I think we should do the sex."

It would seem that society has casually dictated that women are the secret clubhouse and that men have to figure out the covert handshake or mysterious handshake to get inside. This is not the case. We're all humans.

Friend zone? Blargh. Smells like a case of you not being ballsy enough... or her wanting a free meal instead of a fuck.

Either choose to be alone or choose to take a chance. Dating can suck, I know. But dating led me to my girlfriend. I've been with her for over a year and a half. I never would have her if I wasn't willing to take a chance. Don't be scared. Be cautious and have a good time. Be honest, communicate, and have fun! Good luck.

Yup, that's it in a nutshell - now why you are having conflicting feelings about dating is something only you can answer, but you really only have these two choices, and both choices are within your power. It is no more complex than that, unless you choose to make it more complicated.

Good luck!

Sultana: Rules of thumb that I usually lived by: subtle touching, such as on the arm, hand, or waist indicated to me that the interest was more than platonic. It kept some guys out of my "friendship pile." Much more than that to start with, and it turned out (later) to be someone who was either pushy, moved too quickly for me, or someone who was interested in my body but not necessarily in me. I'm glad I'm not in that race anymore. It was getting harder and harder to find someone that didn't scare me off in the first week (or day). I hope things are looking better for you. If you can find someone to have fun with, that's one of the most important parts about dating.

i see you're sharing los angeles with me. L.A. is particularly treacherous because half of everyone's job is networking. as a result, going to bars or clubs or parties is more like going to office functions... everyone has their guard up more than other cities, and unfortunately L.A. attracts a lot of people that are more interested in what you can do for them than actually getting to know you.

that said, moments of chemistry still do exist... you just have to put in the extra effort to detect them and bring them to their potential when they happen.

in the meantime, don't be afraid to be picky... there are enough people out there with the complete package of what you want that you don't have to settle for half of it.