Am I a heartless bastard? or not?
 

a post requested by a member

She needs a lifestyle change. Maybe that will come through marriage. Carefully planned meals. Healty snacks. Take a walk after a meal. Not all at once but a little here and a little there. Heartless bastard or someone who cares very much about the health of the woman he loves?

You can't change people. If how she looks doesn't work for you, be a man and own it. There WILL be repercussions to that, and you deserve them, and you should be a man and deal with them.

You're not a bastard, you've only been with one woman who happens to be overweight. She has issues about her weight yet refuses to do anything about it. Think long & hard about what you're about to do. Being in Love always seems to fade away, and what will you have when thats gone??? A stable relationship with a woman you still love and care deeply about, even though she hates her body, is embarrassed by it, and it ruins her day almost every day???

Theres nothing wrong with wanting your SO to be attractive, thats normally how relationships start.

I don't think you're a complete bastard. It's natural to want to be with someone that is attractive and takes care of himself/herself. Not only is being a healthy weight more attractive, but it also makes a person healthier which in turn would give you more time together...if that's what you want.

A lifestyle change does need to be made. But I would heed caution to the marriage change being a positive one. Many women gain weight after marriage. That's when I gained over 30 pounds. I've lost it now and am back down to the weight I was 6 years ago, but it took time. But the majority of my friends put on many pounds after getting married and still haven't lost it.

First lesson in relationships: You can't change the other person...never will. Either accept it or not. To quote a song lyric I heard yesterday: Sometimes the toughest choice is also the right choice.

She's got issues if she is constantly bothered by her weight and whining about it. DO NOT encourage her to loose weight. This WILL NOT work. You have 2 choices, next time she complains about her weight, simply tell her to shut up and do something about it, and that you don't want to hear about it anymore. That might help, where being the encouraging, supportive sap will NOT. Your other alternative is to sit down and have a good heart to heart with YOURSELF. You didn't loose weight for her, or to look better for her. You did it because it was YOUR time and YOU were ready. You've got no right to ask the same of her. You've known about this weight issue for a long time. All you are going to be by asking/cajoling/pleading/encouraging her to loose weight is an asshole. It doesn't matter that "you have her best interests at heart". Get over yourself. You don't. You want to fuck someone that isn't so gross. No problem. You can't and shouldn't change her. You need to decide if you can deal with it. If not, it's time to move on.

Oh and before anyone gets on my case about my encouraging him to be mean to this woman, PM me for a picture. I have every right. I AM her, without the freaking whining about "I'm so fat wah wah wah" If my SO came to me with a bitch like this at the point time wise he has invested in the relationship, I'd kick his ass to the curb without blinking. But you see, ** I ** don't have the issues in my head she does.

Have a nice night. Good luck with this.

You're not a bastard. You're a guy.



Leave. Now. That's all I have to say.

Encouraging her to lose weight to improve her life & health, in a positive way, isn't wrong. She's had years to do something about it and still would rather wallow in her misery than stand up and do something about it. Unless she has a metabolic condition, or a compulsive/addictive disorder that prevents her from losing weight, she has a choice. If she has either of these she should seek professional help, if not she simply needs to try harder. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

I say you're a bastard because the only reason you want her to lose weight is because you want to be with a more attractive woman, and not because it's what's best for her. There are tons of benefits to losing weight; your fiancee getting to bang a more attractive version of you doesn't exactly make the top 10.

But we're all selfish in some way, I don't blame you for seeing it only from that angle.

I would say that the dealbreaker is not that she is obese, but that she has the character flaw of not being able to deal with her own situation and take responsibility for where she's at. It would be like if you were with a person who was unwilling to go to counseling for help with depression, etc. After a certain length of time, that just becomes a dealbreaker. As long as it's about the character flaw and not about her appearance in itself, I don't think you're a heartless bastard.

That said, I think you should give her a timeline to get back on track with her weight management. Postpone your wedding (when is it supposed to happen?), because that's still ALWAYS cheaper than getting a divorce in the long run, and tell her that you need to see her making attempts to improve her health. If she doesn't make changes by X reasonable date, I would say you have been fair enough and you can move on with a clean(er) conscience. Just plain dumping her without giving her a clear directive and chance to change is assholish, but not if you lay it out in a caring and honest manner.

Now, the important question is, let's say she does start exercising regularly and makes a lot of effort to lose weight, but she doesn't get down to an "ideal" size for you. Are you still going to be happy with that? I would hope that the issue is really about her *trying* to lose weight, rather than her appearance in itself. But if you're really just about wanting to bang hot, skinny chicks, and it's not about character at all... well, you might as well be honest and break it off cleanly right now, because that's not going to change. She may never be hot and skinny, but she might try harder to stay in shape. Will that be good enough for you?

You don't have a problem with her being over weight - you have a problems with the fact that she's so overweight you're no longer attracted to her. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be attracted physically to your SO.

Speak to her honestly about it, yes it will hurt her, accept that fact. Then lay down a deadline, that you want to see her atleast trying by X date.

If she's not trying by then - well it says alot for how much she cares for you and making you happy in this relationship.

Discuss this with her. Show her the post if you'd like; I think it would be helpful. My guess is that she doesn't understand the depths of your feelings on the subject.

If nothing changes, you need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life and be ready to act on that decision one way or the other. That could mean leaving and starting fresh.

As with anything else, I'll bet the issues go much deeper than what you've posted. I'll also be that you may not be aware of them all. It's time to find out.

No.....you are being honest. If you want a relationship to survive, honesty is (in my opinion) extremely important, both with her...and yourself. You might want to seriously ask yourself if you will be happy five years from now when she does not lose thw weight, because if you are not happy...it will slowly erode the marriage.

Abaya speaks the truth.

It's not about the obesity, but about the underlying character flaw.

Well honestly I don't think if she does exercise and eat healthy that the weight will be a problem, no one violates the laws of physics and everyone who says 'I do everything right and can't lose weight' is not doing it right. This statement always gets me into 'trouble' but I never saw a fat person after a survival situation or the like, EVERYONE can get into shape.

But as a hypothetical, lets say this were true. Really there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your SO. Obviously hes not out to bang hot skinny chicks from the OP, but shes crossed the line from fat to grossly fat. That to me shows a lack of respect to his needs as well as her own issues. I think there should be an addition to the standard wedding vows to 'do my best to stay attractive to you'. I'm at that age where the first round of 'real' divorces are hitting and letting yourself go is a big part of it (by real I don't mean kids getting married at 20 and divorcing at 24, but house, 2 kids, that sort of thing).

To our unknown poster I will offer this. If she decided to work out a bit and lose weight, be sure its HER desire for herself not just to please you. I know this sounds contradictory to some of what I said above but its a long term motivation thing. If shes ONLY doing it for you, and to keep you happy/around sooner or later, mostly sooner she will quit and be right back to where she is. Its hard to motivate yourself to do something they don't want to do for an external reason, and once shes married...well it won't happen at least not to any great extent.

It's hard, but it's very important to be honest with yourself and your desires for your life. Regardless if others think it's shallow or not--they don't get to live your life. If you are a bastard, you'll break her heart temporarily, she'll run off, and maybe find someone who's OK with the way she is. Wouldn't that be better for her in the long run, rather than being bound to someone who always has a feeling of dissatisfaction about her?

I would highly suggest postponing the wedding until this issue is resolved, one way or another.

And there are few things more annoying in this world than someone who complains constantly about something they control and yet refuses to do so.

By the way, I was able to get myself to the shape I am happy with by first learning about nutrition via Weight Watchers, and then hiring a personal trainer for 10 sessions (no, not cheap! Worthwhile things often require a sacrifice) and spending about 1.5 - 2 hours a day in the gym, 5 days a week, for several months. During the maintenance phase, it's much less time a week now. It was a hell of a lot of effort, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Ironically, after this my husband's already significant feelings of insecurity shot through the roof (he also was about as out of shape as I was, but refused to do anything long-term about it), and ultimately he ended up leaving me (lots of other stuff going on too, but you get the point). However, I am optimistic that things will turn out better for me in the long run.

Well... There are people with glandular problems and other health issues that can make profound weight loss near impossible. It's a vanishingly small percentage of the walking-around overweight in the US, but it's enough to have me quibble with the word "everyone", especially when it's in all caps. ;)

That said, that's pretty clearly NOT what's happening in the OP.

Jesus, that must be frustrating. Is it that she's just embarrassed because it's difficult to be fat and in a gym? Or is she being belligerent? If it's the former, home gym equipment is cheaper than a gym membership in the long run, and she won't have to worry about anyone judging her but herself. If it's the latter, you may want to take her to talk to someone.

Either way, best of luck.

Yeah you should talk to her about it. It might help to offer to start a healthy lifestyle with her - e.g. set a bike date together three times a week, take up tennis together, offer to do the food shopping and cook and start adjusting your diet if needed (this can help a LOT - cut out sodas, bleached-out grains like white bread, etc. and introduce lean meats, more vegetables and more fruits).

Although you can't force her to change, you can demonstrate that you are committed to a long and healthy life together... and that you are willing to suffer (only initially!) alongside her. If you can be honest with her and tell her that you are finding her less attractive, maybe that will motivate her. Truth hurts, truth helps.

She does want to change, it's just a matter of her getting up and doing it. She should know that her issues are affecting you (negatively) as well & will hopefully be moved to do something about it.

If she still refuses to have a healthy lifestyle and you love her enough to marry her, realize that you can't force her to change and focus on yourself instead. Perhaps she'll come around when she sees her sexy hubby taking care of himself and turning heads in public.

Good luck, man. I respect your honesty.

You know after I reread my post I thought of that and still I'm not even sure if thats true.

While obviously not everyone can really exercise for health reasons, and I understand that some metabolisms will have an easier time of it, no one who has ever told me they couldn't because of medical reasons was eating a healthy low calorie diet at the time.

Shocking as this may be to some tfp readers I do not in fact, know everything. I'm sure there are some people out there with some unfortunate genetic defect, I do not know of, that doesn't let them metabolize their own fat or something like that. To them I apologize, thats got to a horrible thing to deal with, to the rest, quit making excuses ;)

Jesus: (slams on breaks) "Hold on... I gotta write this down." :)

...

OP:

Just think about how you'd feel after 20 years being married to a couch anchor with a great personality.

All that crap about life being a journey? Is true. And who wants to "drag" someone behind them?

Part of being alive is being able to go out and live life. Grand canyon, SCUBA diving, acrobatic sex.

It isn't superficial to want someone (more) healthy. It is your biological imperative as a man.

After all... a healthy body is attractive over all other traits.

I could not agree more. There are 3 billion women in this world, why settle?

Well it sounds to me like she's not just fat, she's obese? Am I correct?

For this, I'd say she's putting herself at a lot of health risks, so I would hope that your concern would not ONLY be because you don't physically find her attractive anymore, but that you hope she gets thinner for her own health.

I guess I can't say if you're a bastard or not. I've gained probably 10 lbs since my boyfriend and I have started dating, but I'm not obese. I know that my boyfriend is never shy on compliments and he always makes me feel good.

Thus, this makes me feel like you're being a bastard. However, like I said, I don't know if you are or not. I don't know, if my guy lost a ton of weight I guess I'd be inclined to do so as well.

Yeah, that wasn't very helpful.

Whether or not you can deal with her obesity is up to you but I can tell you this for sure... you absolutely, positively, no f*cking way can enter into marriage with the idea that you are going to change your partner. That is a time honored recipe for disaster and heartbreak.

IS the issue her body OR the fact that you have only been with one woman and desire more?

I'm torn here between the morality of accepting someone for who they are and the fact that fat women turn me off big time. Perhaps a page from my experience with my wife, who smoked when I met her.

I told her that I didn't mind that she smoked, her choice, I just didn't go out with women that smoked, my choice. Try the same, it allows you both the autonomy of making your own choices.
Interestingly,
She quit smoking, we married a year later, 5 years later divorced, 1 week later she started smoking again. Stupid!

I understand your idealism... but to be realistic, if she wont make changes for you - then it's not going to work long term in my view. As I understand it, you're not asking for her to be a fashion model, only to take care of herself and to be presentable.

(But I don't know her actual weight).

Can you try easing into this. In my view it's not (short term) about weight loss. If you can do walks together though and make small diet changes, that's all you need to get started.

20 pounds in 2wks is crazy and probably not sustainable. A realistic expectation might be a couple of pounds per month. I'd be thinking that the main goal is to get used to doing some physical activity and to get comfortable with that. Weight loss is just the eventual side effect.

Where is the original poster?...

Cyn's is traveling and is checking in as often as he can. Since he's protecting someone's anonymity, I want you all to be patient and understanding since this is a little more complex than most advice threads.

Not that you weren't being patient or understanding, abaya, but you gave me the handy excuse to spread the word. Thanks for being my unwitting proxy. :D

Sure, thanks Jazz. I'm traveling myself, so I can understand not being able to attend to one's thread, but I was just wondering if the OP (not Cyn) was going to check back in at some point. You know how it is, sometimes an OP posts and then never come back again, that's all.

I never realized that this was an anonymous post...

really, obesity is a disease...a curable one at that. my step-father died at the ripe old age of 50 due to obesity related conditions....

just like I couldnt marry someone who was a smoker, I couldnt marry someone who would let themselves degenerate like that.

she needs to get help, and understand that obesity is more than just an appearance related disease...and take care of her problems.

she needs a serious lifestyle change...who knows, maybe you telling her that she's obese, and you dont want to be with a woman who wont be able to see her kids grow up...and that you're leaving her... is enough to light the fire under her ass that she needs.

all the best wishes in whatever choice you make.

Yep.
Own it. She certainly has problems of her own, but this particular problem is all you, baby.

I don't know much about love (then again, who does?), but I've always found the words of Chris Rock in providing guidance especially helpful.

thanks for being patient... I did get this PM.

from the anon

Yes. If she tries her hardest to get in shape and it doesn't end up working, then I'll be perfectly fine. As long as she tried her best.

It's not that I've only been with one woman, but more of I've only been with one body style of woman. If she lost weight I would experience a relationship with a woman of a different body style and that's part of why I want her to lose weight.

About 9 months ago we both went on a lifestyle change. I was severely overweight and so was she. We both started eating healthy and drastically lesser portions of food. We also stopped eating out as much which saved lots of money. 9 months later, I've lost a huge amount of weight and she's lost nothing. Neither of us exercise. The 2 weeks we both exercised she lost 20 pounds in those 2 weeks but she gained it back because she hates getting sweaty.

So I guess it's disheartening for her that I've lost so much weight by going on the same "diet" that she has and she's lost nothing. But exercising does work for her, she's just not motivated to do it. She refuses to go to the gym or use her workout stepup box in our apartment.

I've talked to her about me wanting her to lose weight and she always gets extremely offended and won't talk about it saying that I should accept her the way she is. She's around 100 pounds overweight.

I don't understand why she won't exercise to lose the weight now that she knows it works.

Thanks for the comments everyone. I'm really impressed with the advice!!!!![/QUOTE]

Hey Cyn, seriously, congrats on your healthy lifestyle. It's amazing how much it can extend your life expectancy!

I also used to really hate sweating - I suggest SWIMMING!!! It's fun and you can do a lot of different strokes (she can rock the kickboard for the first week, even) and it's a really great low-impact exercise so you don't wear down your joints (like running can if you are obese). If you have a good pool near you, you can share a lap lane and even keep up conversation while you're working out. Water aerobics are also fine. You can get a workout just treading water in the deep end and splashing around.

I'd bite the bullet and start working out together. If you just continue to sit around and lose weight from dieting while she's not, she might get more bummed out about failing as you succeed and is less likely to do something about it. If you exercise together, it will seem like less of a punishment and more of a mutual lifestyle change.

Plus, you really DO feel better - more energy, good sex drive, lower appetite and all around good vibes about yourself. You can start slow with a walk after dinner, a game of badminton and then GO TO THE POOL! Just make it fun. :)

Good luck - let us know how it goes!

P.S. Sweet new gear always motivates me - a new pair of running shoes, a new swimsuit, flippers.. (they are FUN and a good workout) - it's like you spend money on something that will move you to be healthier and you can't wait to use it!

just a reminder that this is not from me, but posted by me at the request of a member who wishes to keep a little privacy.

Honestly, I almost wonder if there is a different reason behind her not wanting to work on loosing weight. Her simply eating less I would think would make her loose some weight, maybe shes overeating when your not around. Being a little overweight myself, I think her using the excuse of not wanting to be sweaty is just that...an excuse. If someone seriously hates the way they look and all it took was working out for them to see that drastic of a change they would stick with it regardless of hating sweating. What seems odd to me is that she stuck with it for two weeks lost the 20 pounds and then quit. The excitement of loosing that much weight would outweigh the discomfort of sweating for most people who really want to loose the weight. Maybe instead of having the you need to loose weight talk with her, you should try the whats keeping you from trying to loose weight talk. Maybe she sees a problem in the relationship and is overeating, especially if that is her defense mode, (gaining weight when parents got divorced). Also if your wedding date is drawing near, most brides are doing everything in there power to fit in the "perfect" dress. Maybe she is connecting something with your wedding and her parents divorce, bad associations can make people do crazy things.

I don't necessarily think your a bastard, but you do need to seriously think about why it is so important to you that she looses the weight. I would hope that you would more be thinking along the lines of "I love her so much that I don't want her life being cut short because she is an unhealthy weight" instead of "I want to know what its like to be intimate with a thinner girl."

Thanks, it's just easier (and seems more personable) to write Cyn than "anonymous member" but feel free to pass on the good wishes if you like.

PS - Couldn't they just make a dummy acct?

I think it is much more acceptable to the admins that someone would have another user post for them than to create multiple accounts.

Plus, all the new clothes you get to buy as you lose weight...

Losing weight is simple. All she needs to do is: 1) eat healthier, and 2) move more. Don't buy junk food. Exercise together. Encourage walking places instead of driving. Sign up for a fitness class together.

Set goals. Encourage her to use a fitness program like Fitday.com or DietPower to track her meals and exercise. Buy a scale that measures both weight and body fat.

But overall, you must understand that this must come from her. I was pushing 195 lbs. I decided to lose the weight. I now weigh 145. I wonder if she is depressed, and if that is what makes her defensive. I know I didn't start losing weight until I started my depression medication. It might be that she needs some psychological help to get over that first hurdle, and if so, you can only support her. Exercise does make you feel better if you are depressed, but sometimes it's incredibly hard to get moving in the first place, especially if you haven't moved in a while :)

Either way, you're gonna feel bad.
But, being majorly overweight IS bad for the health, heart disease among others.
As others have said, persuading her to slowly change her lifestyle, to become more healthy, might help. Then again, perhaps she is one of these people that actually CANNOT lose and keep weight off.
Then, if you don't tell her this, then you're basically keeping your true thoughts to yourself, and that could hurt the marrage/relationship in the long run.

<3
Gl with it all.