Sex after 10 years
 

All:

My wife an I have an ongoing disagreements about sex. We're about 40 years old and have been together for more than 10 years. She feels my expectations are not realistic for couples who are our age and have been together as long as we have.

So here's my variation on the "Sex: How Many Time A Week" thread....

Please answer ONLY if you have been in your relationship 10 years or longer, or in the context of a previous relationship that lasted at least 10 years:

How often on average so you have sex?

How would you describe the quality of the sex?

After 17 years I had sex once every three months, and it was shit.

Now I have a new wife and we have sex several times a week and it's really rather nice (after 3 years together).

The last time I had sex with my wife of 23 years was probably the most wonderful experience of my life.
Won't tell you how long ago that transpired; what I'll tell you is this: It hasn't happened since and probably never will again.
Be careful what you wish for and even more careful about what you believe.

I'm not sure how to apply that advice.

10.5 years. Usually about once a week, and it's *fantastic*. It would be more, and is sometimes less, but life interferes - school, work, rehearsals, etc. When it's always about midnight when you finally go to bed, and you're both getting up at 6... booty waits for the weekend, or the random night off.

My relationship is only 8 years old, but I'm going to respond anyway...cause it's the internet and 8 is close enough to 10 for me to feel like it's worth it :p Life can get in the way, plus we don't live together so that makes it difficult, but it's at minimum once a week, often 2 to 4 times. All depends what's going on that week.

Of course, we're in our mid-20's and you're in your 40's. I don't think that should make too much of a difference though. Just gotta find ways to keep it fresh.

My ex and I were together for about 10 years, married for 6.5 of those... by the end of it, we had sex once every 6 months and it was awful.

Married 13 years. Unfortunately, everything was going G R E A T in the sex department until menopause and serious back troubles came knocking at her door. Now with 5 fused discs, and menopause seeming to taper off, I am holding out hope that we can resume, in some fashion, what we had before.

But for now, 1, maybe 2, times a week, and usually pretty blah. Still, better some than none. [shrug]

I'm in my mid 50's and my partner is in her mid 40's. We have been together for a bit over 11 years. We manage 3 to 4 times per week and it would be more but as someone else commented, life interferes. The sex is still better than anything I ever experienced in any previous relationships and that is pretty good. The only comment I would make is that women's libido seems to be strongly driven by the time you give them, your ability to communicate emotionally and your willingness to be "vulnerable" to them.

Married 16 years. We are both in our early 40s. Sex is 3 to 4 times a week unless the kids or life interferes. It is much better than it was when we were younger.

In a 32 year relationship, 28 of which has been exclusive, QW and I have gone through many phases in our sex life. We have, occasionally, gone months with no contact other than a hug and a peck on the cheek. We have (and still have) periods of total hedonistic abandon.
There is no "normal" pattern of desire. It ebbs, then flows. When it flows... it gets better all the time. The reckless gymnastics of our youth have given way a deeply sensuous sharing.
Do we do it often enough... never have, never will. But if you are with the one person that you truly wish to be with, you take what you can and make it good.

So... I should rotate wives out every 10 years?

Married for 8 years, together for 12 and the sex just gets better and better.

However, it's also pretty rare these days due to having a new baby as well as a lot of work related travel. I think it may even have been a month since our last time. That is too long and we're both feeling it, but so it goes.

As Grumpyolddude says, it ebbs and flows. Man, am I looking forward to the flow times.

I haven't been able to read as much lately either but I still love books.

Together 17 years or so.

Now my last few months have been minimal but a new baby and such will screw that up, and I can't hold that to the norm.

The norm would be a minimum of once a week and a max of four but don't hold me to that. I'll still complain its not enough of course.

The lack of frequent sex I've heard of as a complaint from both men AND women. There must be something about me which tells women I know to tell me their sexual issues, but at any rate the lack of sex from the womans point of view has caused a divorce and an affair in the last year with two people I know (mind you are they internet 'friends' which would explain why they are more open and yea I know they are female ;) )

In both cases everyone was fat and out of shape. In the divorce case the woman was out of shape, told me how 'that wasn't the issue' since her husband never complained about it (directly, she seemed oblivious to his little hints) and after they separated he told me he should have told her she was unattractive to him earlier.

With the affair, they are both fat. She claims to be uninterested him since he let himself go but she in turn has let herself go because its not 'worth' it to stay in shape for him. So they are both fat and unhappy with an awful sex life. I don't know her husband like I know the other one but I have to wonder what his take on it all is. All she does is complain about how bad the sex is to me.

Now its not the fat per say that is the problem, its that they become unattractive to their spouse, fat is just the most obvious in some cases. I'm sure for some men its due to wanting their wife to always be that 24 year old they married, but for a lot of them its just lack of personal maintenance.

If you have been having sex with the same person for years, and now they are substantially less attractive then they used to be, perhaps completely unattractive, you can only expect the frequency to go way down and sex to become more of a chore for them.

Finally a side note: Sometimes I've heard of this and it seems that even early on in the relationship they were having sex rather infrequently. My feeling is that if when you first start to have sex you are not doing it like rabbits, but say are on the 1/2 times a month track, you can pretty much kiss off a sex life 10 years down the road. Desire will go down and if its already low, it will be damn near close to zero by then.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I see answers in two catagories: once a month or less, and bad sex, usually with an ex-spouse. Or it's about once a week - maybe more or less according to other demands on our time, and as good or even better than early in the relationship.

Reply to Ustwo: My wife is overweight - but that's not the issue - at least with me. She was overweight when we met, and she currently weighs less than some previous periods when we more sexually active. When she is in the mood that turns me on. But when she has no libido, that is a turn-off for me. Every one to two months she decides it's not fair to enforce celebacy on me and shhe initiates, but it's mostly about getting me hard enough and her wet enough so I can get it in and finish. As long as I climax in her vagina I can't say that "we never have sex." She's not into it and it makes it difficult for me to get into it. But she feels that my expectation of a 39 year old spouse who still looks forward to being in bed with her husband and enjoys having sex in a variety of positions and places is not realistic. (BTW, we don't have kids so the biggest competition for time is the TV - and we have TiVo so the TV can wait.)

This poll shows differently though.

Is she on any medications?

I know I just went thru 3 months of NO sex drive because of the new b/c pills I was on. I've been off less than a month and its back bigger and better lol (and Im 39, with Dave 4 years and except for the last 3 months....we still have sex very often and it gets better all the time)

You're answer sweetly shows the hope and innocence of youth.

...Wait till you're in your 40s (or older) and IF you're with the same lady, you'll see that it get's a lot more difficult to keep things "fresh" after 20 to 28 years together!! We ave only gotten it on once or twice a year since our mid-30s.

I've been married 28 years (BTW -no kids) and have tried everything I can do & think of - to keep it interesting & fresh and we both seem to have lost interest in sex due to all of lifes interruptions...i.e. jobs, stress, family or medical problems, unfullfillment in both of our lives and a general lack of energy.

Hunnychile, are you... happy with that?! That would be a freakin' crisis in my house!! As in, that would get us into couples/sex counseling ASAP!! :)

I mean, I guess if it doesn't really bother you, then that's alright... especially if you and your husband agree. But man, I just can't imagine that being very satisfying, personally.

No birth control pills. Condoms have bit of a "raincoat effect" with me but I can manage. She is on medications for type II diabetes.

As I said its not fat being the issue but attraction. If you were fine with her before then you would be fine with her now, and really you aren't the one putting off sex so its a moot point there.

Now obviously sex being chemical there are a LOT of potential issues that can mess with that, so perhaps I'm going to be off base here but I'd say to look in two directions equally. One for her and one for you.

Since she is the one with the low libido, look at yourself in the mirror. Are you still the guy she married or have you let yourself go more? I once read a post from a woman who was well overweight yet she refused to date men who were. Some called it a double standard but it was what was attractive to her.

Then I'd worry about her physical health. I know when you are sick, at least when I am sick, your sex drive goes to nothing. Your body doesn't want to deal with that sort of thing and turns it off, it has more important things to deal with. I got very sick a couple of years ago with an infection that took 2 full months to beat, and one of the more troubling side effects was I had absolutely NO sex drive. For someone as oversexed as I am, to just not care I found very disturbing and even wondered if it might be a permanent change.

You say shes always been overweight and is a type II diabetic. Her body can't be in good shape, and I'm not talking about being fat, but being under stress. Her system is basically failing and the diabetic drugs don't make it all go away, they just keep it in check. Chronic stress like that is NOT good for anyones sex drive.

Rather than approach it as a sex problem (your problem) approach it as a health problem and you are worried about her, hell you should be worried about her. By getting in better physical shape, perhaps that sex drive will return, at the very least, even if thats not the issue she will be better off.

I hear my old one has only managed 2 years with her replacement, but six weeks at the start of that were behind my back, and for the final six months she was seeing another guy behind HIS back, so in reality she's fallen far short of your 10 years.

YMMV, but I can put you in touch if you feel like a poke - everyone else seems to have had a go... :rolleyes:

I've had the thought that marriages should automatically expire after 5 years unless both parties agree to renew it.

Finding out what is "normal" won't help your situation. You could get a poll of 10,000 people and present it to your wife saying "2.362 times per week is the average", and it won't make her want to have sex more frequently.

But, since you are collecting data, I've been with my wife 20 years, married 13, and we have sex 1-2 times per week. Our 5 year old makes energy and timing of sex a bit more challenging. The sex is between good and great, depending on our energy levels.

I let myself go a little (5'11" and 200 pounds a few years ago), but with changes we've made in diet and lifting weights on my part I'm in great health and probably more attractive in the eyes of most women than I've ever been (translation: I used to be thinner than what I believe most women prefer. Through a combination of food, less exercise and age I put on too much fat to be called skinny, but not so much that I viewed myself as fat. After changing my diet and increasing exercise I became what I considered to be too skinny again. I started eating more healthy foods and lifting weights, and now I feel I'm in the best shape I've ever been in.)

This was actually disturbing to her a little because she hasn't made as much progress with the weight loss she needs to do.


I guess being a man I tend to comparmentalize. I tend to view our finances, her wieght/health, and our sex life as three separate issues. But for her they are more connected. This is frustrating to me because for finances, I can envision steps 1,2,3 to address them. Her health issues also involve steps, but I have no control over them, since she doesn't want me to be her food & exercise police. Her libido is completely outside of my control. I can cook dinner, vacuum, do massages, bring flowers, etc. She appreciates these things, but that appreciation does not translate into libido.

From the sounds of it, you should be going with Ustwo's advice. Do some research on her meds, or ask her doctor if there's any effect. Also, if she's not experiencing the renaissance in appearance that you are, that can be specifically a libido killer. Hard to want to get it on when you feel like a blimp next to your partner. Not your fault, but you can't fix that either.

Not just connected... downright smushed into one big pile. That's how those things are, for a lot of women (not all). One big web... and if one part of the web isn't doing well, the rest isn't going to hold up either. I can't emphasize this enough, how interconnected all those things are in many women's brains... tackle the one that seems the most do-able and work from there.

I don't feel that your expectations are unrealistic.

I find myself in similar curcumstance, and I don't not have a solution. 18 years married myself, sex started declining shortly into it. I have found however that we are not alone. I may have mentioned this in another thread too long ago, but if your interested in it you might want to visit....

http://www.divorcebusting.com/sex_quiz.htm

Re: Averages and polls here's a quote from the book...

"It's not about numbers. Since, unlike vitamins, there are no recommended daily requirements to insure a healthy sex life, a sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his/her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed."

Cyklone - would you be so kind as to describe some concrete ways in which a man can communicate emotionally, and be vunerable ?

It might do us all a great service if you could.

Women always complain that men don't talk about the way they feel. Two problems here, first, men are taught to ignore their feelings as children so they fail to recognise them. Secondly, we don't learn the language of emotion in the same way that women do. The best hint I can give is to listen to two women talking to each other about a problem. Also read a book called "the new male sexuality" by zilbergeld. It is a real eye opener.

We men are also taught to never be vulnerable, never give anyone a weapon they can use against you etc (talking about Aussie men here, but assume you Yanks are similar). We make excuses for not talking about the things that bother us with our partner. For example, she's got enough on her plate, I don't want to bother her, she wouldn't understand etc. Also, we all do things we regret, are ashamed of etc. When we talk about these things with our partner they learn who we are, they understand us, they know us in depth. In feeling that way they are more "in touch" with us, and more likely to jump your bones. Otherwise, after a few years of not talking about things that really matter because you've been tied up with raising kids etc, they start to feel as if you are a stranger. They feel lonely lying in bed next to you and they are vulnerable to the first stranger that comes along and talks to them about the way they feel. Take note that most women who have affairs will say that it was because he listened to her.

11 years now and I'd say 2 or 3 times per week. We have a young child and that probably slows things down more than anything else. Sex is still good, although the marathon sessions are considerably rarer than they once were!

Listen to this man!! :thumbsup:

Married just over 10 years... it ranges from once a month to once every 3 months these last 5-6 years. Definitely NOT enough... although she gets angry when I masturbate (even though I invite her to join me).
(We are both in our mid-30s)

She is my best friend, I love her dearly.

When we do have sex it is excellent! She says it is great as well. I would say she orgasms, at least 60% of the time. I would aim for 100% but she says that she doesn't NEED to orgasm all of the time.
It used to be that I could do it for her although over the last couple of years her orgasm involves more involvement on her part it seems. Maybe I need Viagara. :rolleyes:

When we were first married we had sex once a week. After the first year it started to get less and less.

There have been three times we have had sex more then once a week and one of those times was during our honeymoon. The other time was while we were on vacation before the kids came along. And the other, I am sure it must have happened at least one other time but can't recall.

She just says, "No, I am too tired." or "I don't feel well". In fact she says it before we even get to bed... she knows I won't bother asking because I dislike acting affectionate and then having her tell me, "Don't get your hopes up."

And I do act affectionate with her w/o any strings attached... I give her massages, cuddling, loving, etc without expecting to get anything in return. So it is not like she is "starving" for that. We also spend quite a bit of time talking about stuff, her work, my work, our kids, our future, etc.

I find it ironic though... I waited to have sex until I was married... and now I don't have all that much sex.

Ideal for me would be 1-2 times a week.
Although I would be very happy if she would even just not get mad when I masturbate or even maybe help me out (not intercourse, just being there with me).

Lately, over the last few months I have found my sex drive has taken a nose dive. I guess I am to the point now of just not caring that much.

And yes, we have talked about it. But it is not like I can or would force her to have sex with me more since she is not going to change. I am still learning to cope with it.

When I really think about it, it makes me pretty sad. Actually I get bitter first then I get sad.

She is an excellent mother and wife, except for the lack of sex. :sad:

Together just over 10 years. There is an ebb and flow to it, but I don't notice too much. There are some weekends that we have sex 3 times and that could happen two weekends in a row then not happen again for a month or two. But that doesn't mean we're not having sex once in between. On average 2-4 times a week (might be a little optimistic).

I've been pretty open about my intentions with her from the start, though, making sex a key component of my relationship. I love her and consider her my best friend, but (almost equally, it would seem now that I'm typing this) she's also my sex partner. The friendship and the sex are all part of the same relationship. I find it hard to consider one without the other. (keeps me out of trouble with other women that way too. :-)

Overall, I'd say that there may be a little less dynamic passion since we were younger, but I've exchanged that for the depth of passion. Adding 2 kids and both in professiona careers haven't actually slowed the frequency of sex either, actually. The only time I think we didn't do anything was shortly after childbirth. We were having sex up until the day before we had our two kids. (I was wondernig if I was going to get questioned by the doctor during childbirth, actually, finding white sticky stuff...)

While she's had some concerns over body image (as I imagine we all do from time to time) she knows that I don't care. To reiterate what I read earlier, if you're e both working out and focusing on how to improve yourselves physically, improving your self mentally will follow and sex will be awesome...and more frequent. At least that's what we've found in the last couple of years.

Dated for 4 years, married for 21. Sex varies from 3x a night to 3x per month. Depends on what's going on. Currently it's been about 3 weeks since... but prior to that there was a wicked stretch of at least once a night.

The quality ranges from a serviceable "need to get off" sex to moving *candle-lit* romantic sessions.

Three kids later, and she looks great to me all the time. Smells great. Sometimes yells too much... but I think that's a girl thing. :)

ThankyouThankyouThankyou!!!!!!!!

Just reading those couple of pages on that site have really opened up my eyes on how I feel about my wife and I. I'm going to show her this site and hopefully get some meaningful dialog started with her. I may even go get the book. Even if the wife doesn't read it, at least I'll have some insight to the situation.

Together for 11 years. Married for 9.5 years. Sex 3X per month. Sex is always great. 4 kids, 2 dogs, work, early mornings, and exhaustion keep the frequency down.

Been together 12 years, and at the moment my paycheck comes more frequentry than yours truly. (Just got twins - haven't got the time/energy yet)

Normally its a couple of times pr week. sometimes more, other times less.

Sort of miss the wild romps from our first years ;)

We're going on 15 years... I am personally still driven mad with "naughty thoughts", If I had my druthers we'd be at eachothers sexual throats everyday all day. Her ass gets smacked, shoulders rubs, incedental touching whenever I walk by)
Insert 3 kids (6,8,15), hockey, TKD, homework, sit down dinners every night, food made from scratch (haven't eaten fast food in over a year... a slow change over the years), dishes, clean up, laundry, hobbies, social commitments, side jobs, job job, and everything else that comes with life and god dammit by the time we are alone and the kids have stopped coming into our room.... we are asleep.
For some reason quickies aren't an option. We need at least an hour and they are always mind blowing.

We kick it at least twice a week. I just wish she's get over the "not during the day while kids a awake" thing.

I will say that after all these years she has learned ways to get me off that I didn't know possible.

GSRIDER....you two must really know that you are made for eachother and it sounds like you really have a great relationship!

Nice that you two still "kick it" weekly and share that here....since so many couples aren't that lucky after 15 years. And BTW - She sounds like a motivated wife!!

We work hard to make it work. We've made life choices that make things a bit more difficult but well worth it.

Wow Tigger is 5 already? time flies...