Great sex, mediocre everything else - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

shAzb0t · 08-06-2007, 11:23 PM

Took a while to gather up enough courage to say this, but I've been a longtime reader and occasional poster here, and believe it or not still feel this is the best place to come for an internal problem like this.

Always have been shy with women--not the type to hook up randomly, though believe me, I've tried. Last year I began dating the first woman that took my virginity (later than most, if not all of my friends), probably due to the fact that she was crazy about me, and that it was my first real relationship in a while, not to mention the fact she thought I was incredible in the bedroom. She laughed at my jokes and the relationship progressed healthily because we started doing things together in moderation. She is incredibly comfortable around me now, and has done hardly anything hurtful to me ever.

After almost a year now, after spending more time with her and learning about her personality, I'm just starting to not be attracted to her anymore, mentally and physically. It's not that she isn't good looking--she looks better than she did when we met--but the physical chemistry outside the bedroom just isn't there. I'm worried that it was a really bad choice to date the first girl who threw herself at me. Here's where the title of the post comes in--she is obsessed with me (talking about all sorts of future commitments), but I'm still in school and frankly had more fun when I was single.

So here's the dilemma--most of the times I've told her I loved her I really meant it, but recently, I've been meaning it more in a sense that I think she's a great girl, but that I don't really want to spend a portion of my life with her. Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't think she'll accept any justification I have for ending the relationship, and I'll be instantly cast into the lake of fire that all other 'asshole men' fall into, that they are liars, hurt women needlessly, etc. Is it selfish if I'm trying to save my credibility, or is it going to happen no matter how smoothly I attempt to break it to her?

Thanks for any insight and I apologize if anything here sounds brutally naive.

Nisses · 08-06-2007, 11:35 PM

How badly she takes this, is entirely up to her. In the end, you can prepare the event for months on end, to the smallest detail, and she can still explode over it.

If you want out, you're not ready, you are feeling like you're incompatible, ...
you just have to ask yourself if you're willing to work and fight for the relationship.

If you don't, then the answer is: get out, and don't delay.
Don't try to save your credibility, the fact that you are trying to save it, already makes you lose it.
You don't need to justify with bullshit reasons, just tell her you're not ready for this and you want to put an end to the relationship.

Just go do what needs to be done, and get it over with.

cadre · 08-07-2007, 01:07 PM

If she wants commitment and you don't...run away fast. Relationships like that cause problems and lead to a lot of heartbreak. I'd say that based off your post it sounds like you should end it but in the end it's up to you.

kurty[B] · 08-07-2007, 01:24 PM

If you're not interested in keeping the relationship definitely let her know. The sooner the better. How she reacts is up to her. She may never want to talk to you again, she might need time apart and then might be able to be just friends, but the longer you let the relationship continue the stronger her feelings will be for you, and the more likely the greater the severity in heartbreak she will experience.

surferlove007 · 08-07-2007, 01:32 PM

Don't put it off. That's not fair to her.

DEI37 · 08-07-2007, 02:06 PM

No point in dragging something out. Tell her you need a break from it all, that you're not ready for the commitment part of it. You'll save face doing that and being honest, than telling her you love her and not really meaning it. That is one of the worst things a person can do to another. I've always meant it when I said it...period.

analog · 08-07-2007, 05:25 PM

Just say you're at different stages in your life, and she's looking for things in your relationship that you're not looking for in any relationship right now. But do it soon... as others have said, dragging it out is the worst, and totally not fair to her.

Plan9 · 08-07-2007, 05:39 PM

GOOD JOB! You completed the normal human mating cycle.

Like, two weeks of awesomeness in everything you do together...

... and then no amount of anything makes you want to stick around.

Life is a chemical action. Society is a fight against said reactions.

08-06-2007, 11:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
shAzb0t Psycho Location: whereever my portable hard drive takes me	Great sex, mediocre everything else Took a while to gather up enough courage to say this, but I've been a longtime reader and occasional poster here, and believe it or not still feel this is the best place to come for an internal problem like this. Always have been shy with women--not the type to hook up randomly, though believe me, I've tried. Last year I began dating the first woman that took my virginity (later than most, if not all of my friends), probably due to the fact that she was crazy about me, and that it was my first real relationship in a while, not to mention the fact she thought I was incredible in the bedroom. She laughed at my jokes and the relationship progressed healthily because we started doing things together in moderation. She is incredibly comfortable around me now, and has done hardly anything hurtful to me ever. After almost a year now, after spending more time with her and learning about her personality, I'm just starting to not be attracted to her anymore, mentally and physically. It's not that she isn't good looking--she looks better than she did when we met--but the physical chemistry outside the bedroom just isn't there. I'm worried that it was a really bad choice to date the first girl who threw herself at me. Here's where the title of the post comes in--she is obsessed with me (talking about all sorts of future commitments), but I'm still in school and frankly had more fun when I was single. So here's the dilemma--most of the times I've told her I loved her I really meant it, but recently, I've been meaning it more in a sense that I think she's a great girl, but that I don't really want to spend a portion of my life with her. Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't think she'll accept any justification I have for ending the relationship, and I'll be instantly cast into the lake of fire that all other 'asshole men' fall into, that they are liars, hurt women needlessly, etc. Is it selfish if I'm trying to save my credibility, or is it going to happen no matter how smoothly I attempt to break it to her? Thanks for any insight and I apologize if anything here sounds brutally naive.

08-06-2007, 11:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	How badly she takes this, is entirely up to her. In the end, you can prepare the event for months on end, to the smallest detail, and she can still explode over it. If you want out, you're not ready, you are feeling like you're incompatible, ... you just have to ask yourself if you're willing to work and fight for the relationship. If you don't, then the answer is: get out, and don't delay. Don't try to save your credibility, the fact that you are trying to save it, already makes you lose it. You don't need to justify with bullshit reasons, just tell her you're not ready for this and you want to put an end to the relationship. Just go do what needs to be done, and get it over with. __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

08-07-2007, 01:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
cadre The Worst Influence Location: Arizona	If she wants commitment and you don't...run away fast. Relationships like that cause problems and lead to a lot of heartbreak. I'd say that based off your post it sounds like you should end it but in the end it's up to you. __________________ My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

08-07-2007, 02:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
DEI37 Go faster! Location: Wisconsin	No point in dragging something out. Tell her you need a break from it all, that you're not ready for the commitment part of it. You'll save face doing that and being honest, than telling her you love her and not really meaning it. That is one of the worst things a person can do to another. I've always meant it when I said it...period. __________________ Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

08-07-2007, 05:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	GOOD JOB! You completed the normal human mating cycle. Like, two weeks of awesomeness in everything you do together... ... and then no amount of anything makes you want to stick around. Life is a chemical action. Society is a fight against said reactions. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

08-07-2007, 01:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
kurty[B] Sauce Puppet	If you're not interested in keeping the relationship definitely let her know. The sooner the better. How she reacts is up to her. She may never want to talk to you again, she might need time apart and then might be able to be just friends, but the longer you let the relationship continue the stronger her feelings will be for you, and the more likely the greater the severity in heartbreak she will experience.

08-07-2007, 01:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	Don't put it off. That's not fair to her.

08-07-2007, 05:25 PM	#7 (permalink)
analog Banned	Just say you're at different stages in your life, and she's looking for things in your relationship that you're not looking for in any relationship right now. But do it soon... as others have said, dragging it out is the worst, and totally not fair to her.