burtsbees

Has this ever happened to anyone else?

We've been dating for about 2 years and everything was going well. I'm comfortable with mainstream porn, but one day I came across pictures of my friends in his porn folder. They weren't pornographic pictures; they were just pictures from myspace that my friends took when they went clubbing, or when they were wearing something revealing. This makes things awkward.

I'm insecure as ever. I feel super ugly and incompetant and I'm obsessed with fashion and make up. I was never like this and it makes me so angry that this small incident has changed me so much.

I have a small resentment to those friends that he had pictures of, and I feel guilty at times because they didn't DO anything at all.

I've talked to him about it and he says he's very very sorry. He deleted the pics and he swears that he didn't know that it would hurt me so much. He tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves me and would never do anything intentionally to hurt me... but even after all that, it still hurts, and I can't get over it, and I'm still bitter.

It's affecting my personality, my friendships, and our relationship. Does anyone have any advice? Can someone slap me and get me to forget about it? Or should I not sweep this under the rug?

mixedmedia

Well, I can definitely understand how this could be hurtful. And I may be out of the mainstream of responses you might get here, but I think it was particularly insensitive of your boyfriend to do so. Granted, sometimes guys are like that. But I just can't cotton that excuse to cover anything and everything of a sexual nature. Sometimes they just really do stupid and selfish things when they could choose not to.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

abaya

... eh, you all know what I would do. I would kick 'em in the balls, and most likely to the curb. Even if he had no clue, that's just a sign of total insensitivity that I wouldn't want to encounter later on in the relationship.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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surferlove007

I agree with abaya...kick in the balls and then to the curb.
This guy sounds like a total insensitive ass wipe.
I wish there was a way to make yourself forget awful things...but there isn't.
If this is happening now, odds are it will only get worse later on in the relationship.
Even though he's apologized and all that jazz I would still be pissed and insecure.
I get pissed off when my bf is around my roommates and they're wearing spandex or showing cleavage that I don't have (grumble grumble)...I mean come on...we're girls this is how we react to things like this. We view our men as ours and no one else's therefore even though your friends didn't do anything wrong you probably still feel a little betrayed by them.
We don't want our men looking anywhere else but us and the fact that he violated you by masturbating to your friends is totally unacceptable.
I would dump his ass. I do know that after being together for 2 years that seems unfathomable, but it's only going to get worse with the porn.

Sorry this happened to you hun *hugs*

Sultana

That just seems spectacularly stupid to me, and come on--he didn't know it would hurt you that much?!?

I don't think I'd want to date such a stupid boy.

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

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*Nikki*

In defense of him, sometimes men do really really stupid crap like that and don't even think twice about possible outcomes.

On the other hand how is the relationship outside this issue?

snowy

I think Sultana really hit it on the head--this guy is just a stupid boy. He sounds incredibly immature.

You're better off without him, methinks.

My boyfriend's two cents: "That's creepy. If you're taken, you just can't do that. If they're your girlfriend's friends, they're definitely off limits. Eww."

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mixedmedia

lol, I'm not sure how that's a defense

But, I agree. They do stupid crap like that and don't think twice about it. But they're not stupid for crying out loud. This involved him going to their My Space pages and deliberately saving their pictures for masturbation, repeatedly. Not just a chance, passing fantasy. I mean, the easy way to relativize (is that a word, lol) it is to imagine that your boyfriend or husband came across pictures of their friends in your porn folder that you were masturbating to. I would be very skeptical of any claims of nonchalance about that. Very skeptical.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

noodle

My first reaction to the title of this thread was, "What the (expletive)?!"
I can't imagine the blow to self-esteem that I would feel if that every happened. Toots, you can do so much better. There's a line there that shouldn't ever be crossed. Especially if he already knew that you were sensitive about your appearance... as most women are. MM is right, there's a certain amount of preplanning that accompanies actually downloading their photos. And to put them somewhere you might actually find them some day? That's completely immature and hurtful. No one needs to slap you, do NOT sweep it under the rug, and no... you don't have to just get over it.

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mixedmedia

This thread has been moved from the Ladies Lounge to Tilted Sexuality at the request of some of our male members and with the approval of the OP's author.

Carry on.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Psycho Dad

My first thought when I read this was... "Men have been known to fantasize about their partner's friends". In fact I'll admit to that. However as was pointed out, the deliberate downloading and saving of the pictures approaches a creepiness level that is disturbing even to me.

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Baraka_Guru

You have my sympathies for having to go through this. It should go without saying that what your boyfriend did was wrong, especially considering how it hurt you and has damaged your self-esteem. Sexual misconduct of any kind is wrong because its potential to hurt others is great. It can ruin entire families.

Yet, I think it's important to point out that it is wrong to assume that pornography on its own is harmless. Although it isn't always harmful (you did say you were okay with the mainstream material), it can sometimes be indicative of deeper problems. Just as alcohol and guns in the proper context can be safe and harmless, they can also destroy lives. They can be used in response to deeper pain or suffering. Have you thought that maybe there is something your boyfriend is dealing with and he is afraid to share it with anyone?

Just as you are now insecure with yourself, perhaps your boyfriend has already been insecure this whole time. You say you are now obsessed with fashion and makeup. Your boyfriend might be obsessed with sex because he is insecure about himself and your relationship. What's more, maybe your boyfriend sees this change as your wanting to attract other men so that you can move on. This could put a further strain on your relationship. If you truly love each another, you will be able to work on this openly. Considering you haven't broken up over it so far, there looks to be some hope.

Sweeping it under the rug is out of the question because it will not go away. You need to talk about your relationship in some specific contexts. You should talk about why he uses pornography in the first place. Do you know how much time he spends using it? Do you spend enough time being intimate, just you and him with no distractions? Maybe you should even address why he thought it wouldn't hurt you. Or, at least, why he would say such a thing. He should know better. Ask him outright: why does he fantasize about your friends this way? Is there something about the relationship he isn't happy with?

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

match000

EDIT: ehhh waht the guy said above is better advice haha. never saw it that way. never mind.

burtsbees

First off: Thank you all for your responses!

My boyfriend and I are trying to work through this. It's been almost 2 months since I first confronted him, but I've never spoken about it to him until now. I think my resentment was building up for those past two months.

On the other hand, we have been talking about it openly this past week and I feel like things are a little more clear. I know that he's upset that he made a mistake. He's apologized so much that I'm starting to feel like he really regrets it. Sorry in the morning.. and a sincere sorry in evening. I also know that my self esteem is now shot to death and it's only up to me (not up to him) to build it back up. We both agreed that it's something that we have to work on. He says he'll do anything to help remind me that I'm not what I think I am (ugly, grotesque, *insert something nasty and gross here*) but that I'm beautiful and freakin awesome.

Since then, he's deleted the pictures and he hasn't done anything of that sort. I just hate the feeling that -you never know- . I've enforced time out for myself so that I can "find myself" again and not rely on his opinion so much.

Outside this mess, our relationship is great. We get along, we laugh a lot, we never really fight. He's a great guy, the ones who take out the trash without you having to ask type. I think this just really caught me off guard because I had such a perfect image of him.

Anyway, Thank you SO much for all the feedback. It's great to have different perspective on things. All my girlfriends keep saying the same thing: kick him in the balls!

World's King

He didn't delete them. He just hid them from you. He's not sorry.

He's just like every other guy out there.



My girlfriend's best friend back in Cali is fuckin' hot. And I'll admit to flirting with her when my girlfriend wasn't around. I might have even thought about her while I was having sex with my girlfriend.

My only advice is to have an orgy with him and your friends. Get the sexual tension out of the way.

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Glory's Sun

So the dude jerked it to your friends pictures. Guys fantasize.. women fantasize. It's a part of life.. it's healthy to do it.

Sure, I can understand the "creepy" side of all of this and how it puts you in an awkward position, but I think the most important part to this problem is why it made you so insecure. You have some insecurity issues that you need to work out on your own before you try busting his head open about a problem of his.

At the very least, you can take some consolation in the fact that your relationship has stronger communication skills now..

And .. I agree with King as far as the course of action is concerned.

JStrider

I really dont think this is that big of a deal, except for it making you so insecure.

Why were you snooping through his porn folder anyways?

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dirtyrascal7

Just a thought that might help boost your self-esteem back up... have you considered that his friends have very likely masturbated while thinking about you? I'd put money on it that it's happened.

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Manic_Skafe

Surely your boyfriend should've taken all the necessary steps to make sure that you didn't find the pictures but you make it seem as if you walked in on him and your friends having an orgy.

Have you two ever considered sharing your fantasies with each other? Open the lines of communication and you'll probably find that his actions weren't nearly as criminal as you make them out to be.

And also, the fact that this situation seems to have destroyed you is proof enough of the fact that you have some self-esteem issues that need to be addressed outside of your relationship. Everyone wants to feel loved by their SO but those feelings should be complimentary - they shouldn't make or break you.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

ratbastid

Nobody and nothing can ever "make" you insecure. You're insecure or not entirely because of what you turn situations in your life into.

That "pretty girl" in school wasn't "prettier than you" and that didn't "give you issues". You made stuff up and ran with it. There's nothing and nobody outside yourself that "made you" ANYTHING AT ALL. Ever. End of story.

We human beings LOVE blaming outside events (particularly the behavior of our loved ones!) for our feelings. But maybe our feelings are our feelings, our reactions. Maybe if we took responsibility for our reactions to things, we'd stop being such victims in life.

I'm not condoning any behavior on your boyfriend's part. I'm just saying the relying on another person's behavior for your emotional state is a losing game.

katyg

I really don't think this post is funny and it is incedibly insensitive. Also, the post about blaming the OP for having insecurity issues - I take issue with that too, you would be insecure if your partner masturbated to pics of your friends - who are you kidding that that wouldn't affect you?

To the OP: I think it is insensitive what he has done, and it's perfectly normal for this to affect your self image.

I am glad he's sorry and is otherwise a good partner (if this were not the case I would have said leave). I think perhaps he's a little immature and didn't think how his actions would hurt (people get selfish and one track-minded when it comes to getting off) and aslong as he doesn't do anything like this again and you can rebuild trust - things will be fine.

I think the issue here is trust, he needs to rebuild it with you.

All the best :-)

World's King

It wasn't supposed to be funny. I was just stating that it happens. And it will always happen. Yeah, I'm sure there are some people out there that are unable to have impure thoughts. And I'm sure they are really boring.

As long as sex is a driving force in keeping the population going. People with do whatever they need to to get off. I mean, it's not like the guy was out fuckin' her friends. The dude just tossed off while thinking about what it would be like... to be out fuckin' her friends.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

radioguy

i don't see it as being any big deal. what's the difference between jerking to them or porn? ya, i know you know them, but that's not a reason to be ok with jerking to porn but not those pics. GUYS LIKE HOT GIRLS!!! he thinks your friends are hot, but he also THINKS YOU'RE HOT OR HE WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU. to me, it's nothing more than jerking off it hot chics!

Bear Cub

My first question is why were you going through his porn folder in the first place? Did you think he was hiding photos? Did you want to see what the women look like that he flogs to? There may be some more underlying issues in here alone, as I know that every girl I've ever been with knows that the porn stash is off limits to them, or they just don't WANT to look at it to begin with.

SecretMethod70

I originally responded to this thread when it was posted in the Ladies Lounge (cause I'm an idiot and even mods aren't perfect ), but since then there have been plenty of other responses. So, rather than paste what I originally wrote, I'll start off by saying: guccilvr, JStrider, dirtyrascal7, Manic_Skafe, ratbastid, and radioguy hit it right on the money. Note that these are all guys too, as am I, so it should give you an idea of how big a difference there is between who a guy masturbates to and who he wants to be with (the latter being you)). And World's King is partly right. No, you shouldn't all have an orgy, but you're boyfriend is also not really sorry for masturbating to the pictures. What he's sorry about is that it made you so upset. There's a big difference between the two.

Anyway, work on your communication together. It seems that you've started talking more openly about this, and you should continue to do so. If there's one post in this thread (so far at least) that deserves to be read multiple times, it's ratbastid's. You choose how to react to this. If your relationship is fine otherwise, then don't choose to make a big deal out of what your boyfriend masturbates to. Talk to him about it and learn to understand where he's coming from. Let him explain what the difference is, in his mind, between masturbating to pictures of your friends and dating you.

Oh, and while any orgy with your friends may not be the best idea, why not make some homemade porn of your own for him to masturbate to?

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cadre

Wow, talk about a divide as far as gender goes. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, and I also can't say that I'm surprised that I'm siding with a lot of the men on this one.

I don't think it's all that big of a deal, all that it means for him to do that is that he thinks your friends are hot. Radioguy's also right, he obviously thinks you're hot too! Maybe when you think of someone using a friend's picture to masturbate you think he'd rather be with them but I doubt that's what he's thinking.

The fact that it upset you so much though is a big deal, I think you need to spend some serious time working on your self image and self esteem and leave the rest alone at least until you've gotten better.

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surferlove007

I disagree. I think it's wrong no matter which way you look at it.
Being a girl, it would bother me the same amount as her, maybe even more.
She said she feels insecure about this, and he's the cause of it.

Also, now that she knows what's been going on, what do you think she'll do if they're ever around those friends whom he had been thinking of?
It's a trust thing, he lost that part of her trust and it's going to take a very long time to recover from that. Those friends will probably never be looked upon the same despite their innocence in this matter. Things might even be awkward between them because of him.

He shouldn't of done it. Now she's going to be doubting herself or thinking the worst possible thoughts, which is terrible.
Just a crappy situation.
End of story.

Wish it wouldn't of happened to you honey.
*hugs*

canuckguy

wow so if you caught your boyfriend using pictures of your friends as tugging material you'd kick him in the balls? Fuck, i would hate to see what happens at your house if he does not put the seat down.

physical violence is never the answer. I sure hope your joking.

Menoman

mm i kinda agree with the people sayings its really not that big a deal.

Anyway he got rid of the pics, he still has mental images he's using of them thats for sure.

Fantasy isn't real life.


I have a feeling THIS isn't causing the insecurity, rather the insecurity is causing THIS. (judging by you were going through his porn folder, and someone doesnt just get a self image of 'ugly' and 'grotesque' overnight.)

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Baraka_Guru

When it comes to responding to your sexual drives, there's a difference between using mainstream pornography and using photographs of your SO's friends. Where do you draw the line? Photos of siblings? Parents? Pets?

Her boyfriend using the photos for that purpose means that he has acted on a sexual impulse that was focused on her friends. This isn't exactly healthy as far as a loving relationship is concerned. There is no denying our sexual nature, but we aren't like other animals. We have complex minds and emotions and certain experiences can have devistating effects, both physical and emotional. To say what he did wasn't so bad is insensitive because it had negative effects on her well-being. Sure she needs to take responsibility for her own happiness and self-worth, but at the same time, what he did was wrong because of the very fact that it was hurtful.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

powerclown

Saying its all in her head is as much bullshit as her snooping around his computer looking for trouble.
It's saying that people don't affect eachother emotionally.
If you want him to stop jacking off to other people, give him something to remember in the sack.
And be glad you didn't find interracial gay kiddie porn.

MrFriendly

While I can say, that as a guy, yes, yes we do fantasize about our girlfriends friends from time to time. But hell, we fantasize about the girl on the train, or the girl behind the counter that we get our milk from, or our friends girlfriends. But it doesn't mean we're ever going to act on it.

However, I think the guy fucked up when he went to the effort of downloading picks. Not only that, didn't bother to keep it discrete. I'm sorry guys, but that extra step is an element of creepy and it brings this fantasy a lot closer to home.

It doesn't mean he was ever going to act on these fantasies, but those fantasies should have stayed contained in his head.

I will agree with the people saying that the OP does need to work on her own insecurity issues. Yes, they guy fucked up, but I don't think this incident should bring you down this far or make you feel this bad. I can certainly understand why this has hurt you. But still, at the end of the day, it was just a simple fantasy, and he made a mistake. I don't think that makes him a monster, I mean really, did he actually cheat on you at any point?

And for the people on the "Kick him in the balls" camp, are you seriously telling me that you've never fantasised about your SO's friends or even some of your friends SO's? It's all very easy to say kick him to the curb when he's not your boyfriend. I think if you really put yourselves in the OP's shoes and realised that you actually love the guy, you'd also realise that he could have done far worse, and in the grand scheme of things, this little transgression wasn't that evil.

Like I said, he fucked up, and I can understand why the OP feels the way she does. But I also feel that they can pull through this just fine.

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ShaniFaye

I cannot believe this load of crap Im reading

Its no big deal
Give him something to remember in bed
This shouldnt have ANY affect on your self esteem

jesus people.....if you dont have a relationship where you sit and tell your SO to their face that you fantasize about the friends, this this can just be devastating one ones self esteem....Im not saying maybe there were not issues of her own but this is certainly NOT going to help

I thank god Im married to a man that thinks this particular situation and his behavior is as creepy as I do (please keep in mind we say IF you dont have the kind of relationship where that "fantasizing about others" is ok)

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abaya

Yes, I am somewhat joking. However, it's a phrase. I would never kick anyone in the balls unless they were attacking me physically in the first place (self-defense), and I would never, EVER consider kicking my husband in the balls, no matter what the situation. I also use the same expression for women... I say I would "kick them in the balls" (even if they don't have balls!), just as an expression of frustration.

And finally, the toilet seat is not an issue in our house. We both find it rather sexist to require anyone to put the seat up or down, just because it's "nicer" for women (to not fall through the seat). That's just plain unfair, especially since we are 50/50 (1 man, 1 woman) in the house. Equal opportunity toilet seat usage.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ratbastid

Shani, I think your post points to the same place mine does, especially in the last paragraph.

People treat this situation through their "IS"es about it. It "IS" devastating. It "IS" a blow to her self-esteem. It "IS" creepy and he "IS" an asshole.

I call bullshit. It is those things only if she lets it be. Your relationship and mine are evidence that there's no absolutes out there in the universe about it. Especially when it comes to relationships, our interpretation of events is what we then call "the truth". And although there is usually SOME automatic interpretation, ultimately we're in control of how we're going to interpret things.

Menoman

I am thinking most women aren't going to understand that beating off is just a means to an end.

Look for a hot girl, beat off, move along.

Maybe thats the confusion here between the two sides of this.

It really has nothing to do with who the girl is, its just look, whack, move along.

That's for most guys I'm going to assume, perhaps there IS something there for this guy, but he didn't act on it, so it still is just a way to get off.

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Glory's Sun

Unless a person is tossing off to an unhealthy fetish then there is no reason to be concerned. Fantasy is a wonderful part of a healthy sexual life and if you don't fantasize about other people then fuck .. I feel sorry for whoever you're in the sack with.

The point again here is that the OP was already having insecurity issues well before any of this happened. This just happened to trigger the effect to an advanced degree. So basically, here's the resolution.. talk to your SO about what you like and don't like and it's ok for him and you to say "she's hot" or "he's hot" because they are after all.. in bed with you. It's pretty difficult to be creative unless you live in the fantasy world occasionally.

cadre

I agree with this, but I think for the OP's situation fantasy won't work unless she has better self confidence.

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radioguy

i'm so glad i'm a guy...IT'S JUST JERKING OFF...no more, no less...oh well, sometimes people have to think there is more there than there really is. such is life...the differing of opinions...

ShaniFaye

So let me get this right....you men that are saying there is nothing creepy about this would have no problem to find out your women were masturbating to some pic of your friends?

Excuse me if I find it hard to believe that if the OP has said, "I came home to find my SO in bed sucking her own nipples and pumping her dildo in and out of her pussy and got really hot and all ready to take over for the dildo until I realized she was looking at a pic of my buddy (insert name) and now I cant get a hard on because I think about that everytime" that some of you wouldnt be ripping the girl a new one

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