Breaking up is hard to do... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

katyg · 07-10-2007, 09:13 AM

Ok,
So you love someone, and after 2 years you realise they don't love you, they care for you, but they don't want to plan a future with you.

You talk and talk and try to figure things out but it becomes a painful, aggressive, sad day of arguing. This morning I asked my partner to leave after 2 years. I don't want him to go but also, I don't see how things will change (he isn't ready for commitment but I am).

Can I ask you all what are the rules I should apply to the breakup? What should we agree on to make it as painless as possible. I don't want us to end up hating one another...

x

Hyacinthe · 07-10-2007, 09:18 AM

No advice Katyg - I'm terrible at breaking up myself but just wanted to send some big hugs your way.

Plan9 · 07-10-2007, 09:27 AM

Key to success?

Breaking up and NOT spending more time with the person than you did before.

Don't call, don't email, don't try to be friends immediately. Stupid mistakes.

It takes time. Don't burn yourself out after you've tossed out titles.

...

Although... I don't know if I'm allowed to put advice here.

My wife fahdiddled on me and I hope her womb rots out.

World's King · 07-10-2007, 09:38 AM

Try to put as much fun back into your life.

Cynthetiq · 07-10-2007, 09:39 AM

you get to make up the rules that fit you

surferlove007 · 07-10-2007, 10:48 AM

I had an ex of 2 years from high school.
He had waited for me to be done with hs and to go to college in his hometown, Wichita Falls, so I could be with him. I never even applied to the school there, instead Texas Tech because my mom and dad wouldn't let me shortcut my education for some asshole.
Once he found out I was going to Tech, it was over. He wasn't willing to even try to make it work. And looking back on it now, I'm glad it ended. He was selfish, irresponsible, and an overall menace to my life.
So I ended it. It hurt, and I put it off and put it off but my friends made me realize I deserved someone better in life and it was NOT him. He wasn't planning on making a future with me, he planned on me doing everything and him just going along for the ride. fucking loser...anyway, I loved myself more by making that discision to get him out of my life just like you did.
It hurts so much when you're with someone who doesn't plan a future with you even though they may care a great deal for you.
I hope that helps in some way.
You've made the right decision by loving yourself and your needs more than him. Bravo.
As for the friends bit...give it some time. Go to the gym regularly and work your ass off working out, makes you feel AWESOME!
My ex was really bad about calling and calling and asking what he did wrong and all these things so I just cut him off.
I don't talk to him anymore.
But with yours, cut the ties for now but maybe a friendship is still possible.
Hopefully he did not verbally abuse you like mine did.

*HUGS*
You'll be fine, your heart will heal itself and you'll be a stronger person for it.

Sultana · 07-10-2007, 11:37 AM

Like ripping off a bandage, DO IT FAST and decisively. Don't let them linger around until things get poisonous. Split the shit up and get it out, nicely if possible, sure.

And I actually agree with Crompsin, do not spend time with them for a good long while afterwards. If you start feeling mushy and relenting, instead call a friend who supports you. Make a firm rule to wait at least 24 hours before you contact them for anything, if necessary--often times you can work the issue out on your own.

Yes, like World's King said, do fun things. Force yourself.

Like ghoastgirl1 said, exercize. Nothing's a better sop to the ego than knowing you look fantastic, even if you don't necessarily feel fantastic.

My advice is coming from the side of the dumpee after a 15 year marriage (and 2 years together before that), so I'm in a slightly different position than you. But I think these things are still relevant.

noodlebee · 07-10-2007, 01:26 PM

It depends on how much open communication you have. Some people can be very clingy and always not understand what you say. That kind of people are the ones you need to stop communication for approx 3 months. But if you have open communication and a good agreement when you broke up, you can just continue to be friends immediately. Both situations happened to me in the past.

What I mean by good agreement for the break up is that you both understand what the other person wants and dislikes in the relationship. Also, you are both very easy-going to talk about serious issues but, at the same time, have clear personal guidelines about what is unacceptable (e.g. after the break up, do not call each other with nicknames like "honey").

If you constantly received empty promises from him in the past, then it is better to just have no communication for a few months. Any constant unreliability in the past or nagging means you will have difficulty finding a good agreement. The maximum you should do is tell him to fill his life with good things to do, just once.

Both of you should do more good things like visit friends, travel, or learn new things. Just occupy your time and maybe someone else who likes your new interests becomes your partner.

Plan9 · 07-10-2007, 04:01 PM

Sultana: WTH? You actually agree with me? Hahaha...

...

Anyways... activity is the key. I started karate after I got back to the world and now I kick people in the face instead of dating. Works pretty good.

World's King · 07-10-2007, 04:54 PM

I forgot to mention that it's best to have a healthy dose of strippers and booze...

MrFriendly · 07-10-2007, 06:19 PM

There is nothing I wanted say that hasn't already been said, except to stress the importance of giving yourself some indefinite time and space away from him.

Use that time to sort yourself out and reflect on what happened. Figure our what YOU want to do, and what you feel will make YOU Happy. This is YOUR time now.

And go chill with your friends. If you don't have any friends in the area, then learn to enjoy your own company and try to make some new ones :-)

It's a tough road to walk on after a break up, but I find that every time I walk on it, it makes you that bit stronger and wiser for it.

Take care

Menoman · 07-10-2007, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by World's King

I forgot to mention that it's best to have a healthy dose of strippers and booze...

qft

abaya · 07-11-2007, 01:45 AM

Cut. Off. Communication.

COMPLETELY. Indefinitely.

Do not show weakness in this area, or it will double or triple your recovery time.

Wyodiver33 · 07-28-2007, 05:26 AM

Break up and move on. If you want to be friends make it clear that it's going to take time before you can be comfortable. Be decisive. Don't text, call, email at all for a while. Constant communication makes for what I call a limbo-breakup. Not good. Trust me, I'm going through that right now.

Bear Cub · 07-29-2007, 01:51 PM

Break up, and go out for a night on the town. Do some flirting, talk to some guys, enough to realize "you've still got it," and go home with a smile on your face. I thought my breakup of 2 1/2 years was going to kill me, but I did just what I said above, and really enjoyed myself for the first time in years. Life has never been better.

BigBaldRon · 07-29-2007, 06:40 PM

If its over, then make sure you make that clear. End things, settle any monetary problems between you two and cut ties.

07-10-2007, 09:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Breaking up is hard to do... Ok, So you love someone, and after 2 years you realise they don't love you, they care for you, but they don't want to plan a future with you. You talk and talk and try to figure things out but it becomes a painful, aggressive, sad day of arguing. This morning I asked my partner to leave after 2 years. I don't want him to go but also, I don't see how things will change (he isn't ready for commitment but I am). Can I ask you all what are the rules I should apply to the breakup? What should we agree on to make it as painless as possible. I don't want us to end up hating one another... x

07-10-2007, 09:18 AM	#2 (permalink)
Hyacinthe Psycho Location: Australia	No advice Katyg - I'm terrible at breaking up myself but just wanted to send some big hugs your way. __________________ "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own" "Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

07-10-2007, 09:27 AM	#3 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Key to success? Breaking up and NOT spending more time with the person than you did before. Don't call, don't email, don't try to be friends immediately. Stupid mistakes. It takes time. Don't burn yourself out after you've tossed out titles. ... Although... I don't know if I'm allowed to put advice here. My wife fahdiddled on me and I hope her womb rots out. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

07-10-2007, 09:38 AM	#4 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	Try to put as much fun back into your life. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

07-10-2007, 09:39 AM	#5 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	you get to make up the rules that fit you __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

07-10-2007, 10:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	I had an ex of 2 years from high school. He had waited for me to be done with hs and to go to college in his hometown, Wichita Falls, so I could be with him. I never even applied to the school there, instead Texas Tech because my mom and dad wouldn't let me shortcut my education for some asshole. Once he found out I was going to Tech, it was over. He wasn't willing to even try to make it work. And looking back on it now, I'm glad it ended. He was selfish, irresponsible, and an overall menace to my life. So I ended it. It hurt, and I put it off and put it off but my friends made me realize I deserved someone better in life and it was NOT him. He wasn't planning on making a future with me, he planned on me doing everything and him just going along for the ride. fucking loser...anyway, I loved myself more by making that discision to get him out of my life just like you did. It hurts so much when you're with someone who doesn't plan a future with you even though they may care a great deal for you. I hope that helps in some way. You've made the right decision by loving yourself and your needs more than him. Bravo. As for the friends bit...give it some time. Go to the gym regularly and work your ass off working out, makes you feel AWESOME! My ex was really bad about calling and calling and asking what he did wrong and all these things so I just cut him off. I don't talk to him anymore. But with yours, cut the ties for now but maybe a friendship is still possible. Hopefully he did not verbally abuse you like mine did. HUGS You'll be fine, your heart will heal itself and you'll be a stronger person for it.

07-10-2007, 11:37 AM	#7 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Like ripping off a bandage, DO IT FAST and decisively. Don't let them linger around until things get poisonous. Split the shit up and get it out, nicely if possible, sure. And I actually agree with Crompsin, do not spend time with them for a good long while afterwards. If you start feeling mushy and relenting, instead call a friend who supports you. Make a firm rule to wait at least 24 hours before you contact them for anything, if necessary--often times you can work the issue out on your own. Yes, like World's King said, do fun things. Force yourself. Like ghoastgirl1 said, exercize. Nothing's a better sop to the ego than knowing you look fantastic, even if you don't necessarily feel fantastic. My advice is coming from the side of the dumpee after a 15 year marriage (and 2 years together before that), so I'm in a slightly different position than you. But I think these things are still relevant. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

07-10-2007, 01:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
noodlebee Crazy Location: Canada	It depends on how much open communication you have. Some people can be very clingy and always not understand what you say. That kind of people are the ones you need to stop communication for approx 3 months. But if you have open communication and a good agreement when you broke up, you can just continue to be friends immediately. Both situations happened to me in the past. What I mean by good agreement for the break up is that you both understand what the other person wants and dislikes in the relationship. Also, you are both very easy-going to talk about serious issues but, at the same time, have clear personal guidelines about what is unacceptable (e.g. after the break up, do not call each other with nicknames like "honey"). If you constantly received empty promises from him in the past, then it is better to just have no communication for a few months. Any constant unreliability in the past or nagging means you will have difficulty finding a good agreement. The maximum you should do is tell him to fill his life with good things to do, just once. Both of you should do more good things like visit friends, travel, or learn new things. Just occupy your time and maybe someone else who likes your new interests becomes your partner.

07-10-2007, 04:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Sultana: WTH? You actually agree with me? Hahaha... ... Anyways... activity is the key. I started karate after I got back to the world and now I kick people in the face instead of dating. Works pretty good. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

07-10-2007, 04:54 PM	#10 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	I forgot to mention that it's best to have a healthy dose of strippers and booze... __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

07-10-2007, 06:19 PM	#11 (permalink)
MrFriendly Psycho Location: Australia	There is nothing I wanted say that hasn't already been said, except to stress the importance of giving yourself some indefinite time and space away from him. Use that time to sort yourself out and reflect on what happened. Figure our what YOU want to do, and what you feel will make YOU Happy. This is YOUR time now. And go chill with your friends. If you don't have any friends in the area, then learn to enjoy your own company and try to make some new ones :-) It's a tough road to walk on after a break up, but I find that every time I walk on it, it makes you that bit stronger and wiser for it. Take care __________________ You are not a slave

07-11-2007, 01:45 AM	#13 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Cut. Off. Communication. COMPLETELY. Indefinitely. Do not show weakness in this area, or it will double or triple your recovery time. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

07-28-2007, 05:26 AM	#14 (permalink)
Wyodiver33 Just here for the beer. Location: Ft. Lauderdale, Floriduh	Break up and move on. If you want to be friends make it clear that it's going to take time before you can be comfortable. Be decisive. Don't text, call, email at all for a while. Constant communication makes for what I call a limbo-breakup. Not good. Trust me, I'm going through that right now. __________________ I like stuff.

07-29-2007, 01:51 PM	#15 (permalink)
Bear Cub The Reverend Side Boob Location: Nofe Curolina	Break up, and go out for a night on the town. Do some flirting, talk to some guys, enough to realize "you've still got it," and go home with a smile on your face. I thought my breakup of 2 1/2 years was going to kill me, but I did just what I said above, and really enjoyed myself for the first time in years. Life has never been better.

07-29-2007, 06:40 PM	#16 (permalink)
BigBaldRon Tilted Location: St Louis	If its over, then make sure you make that clear. End things, settle any monetary problems between you two and cut ties.