katyg

Hey there,
Just wanted to gauge this topic with other men/women who are on here.

I am a middle child in an all female family, the first boyfriend I had (16-22) said he never enjoyed porn and then at 20 I found a huuuuge stash on his computer. Firstly, it upset me that he lied, secondly, the stuff really offended me, I found it all quite aggressive, sexist, upsetting, I felt as if it was a betrayal and it caused a lot of arguments.

Fast forward to now, my current boyfriend seems to be quite into it (he was sinlg until 23), he has a lot on his computer, once when I wasn't up for sex in the morning he went onto his computer and I caught him wanking. Again, it quite upset me, I had mixed feelings like being jealous, but also being sympathetic that he was just horny.

I wonder if this is normal, that I should be jealous? I am the romantic type and like to think that my high sex drive and love for sex and trying new things, can keep my partner satisfied and interested! As well as that I hate to think that at 26 I am some how 'past it' and boys have to look at young teens in porn to get off.

It is unreasonable of me to have this objection?

thanks!
x

Push-Pull

Not unreasonable at all for you to feel that way, but this is one of those topics that boil down to communication. After getting some insight here, you should chat with him about how you feel.

As a guy, I could see where 'most' guys will, ahem, take care of themselves regardless of having a willing partner. The amount will vary of course, but unless the partner is actually dehydrating the guy through too much sex, I would not be surprised for any guy to take matters into his own hands on occasion. I think it's how the guy equalizes the sex between him and her; it allows him the frequency he may desire and something different without having to cheat. The porn is just another way for a guy to achieve that.

The short version is that unless there are other signs of larger problems, I wouldn't read too much into it.

As an aside, you now have an awesome opportunity to kick your love life up a notch. You mentioned being open to new things, so if you feel comfortable, you could ask him to show you his favorite porn bit and if it's not objectionable, mimic it for him.

__________________
"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

abaya

I like porn. It took me a while (I had some of the same reactions you did, at first), but I warmed up to it and it gets me hot pretty quickly. I understand the function of it as a visual stimulation in order for men (and women) to get off quickly, and that's about how deep it goes, for most people. Once I internalized that fact, I stopped having a problem with porn.

The only issue I can see with your situation is if he was "sneaking off" to look at porn, when you weren't up for having sex... which is more about the attitude than the behavior itself. The ideal situation would be to communicate about it (e.g. "hon, I know you're tired, and I feel like masturbating... I'll be back in a few," or something like that). But, humans aren't always ideal, and maybe he's really just ashamed to tell you that he was looking at porn.

Sounds like you guys need to sit down and hash it all out, both sides of the issue, and be honest about your feelings and perceptions.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

la petite moi

I like porn too. I've never denied it. And there is nothing wrong with it.

Like abaya said, you should only be worried if he's obsessing over his porn.

katyg

I think the problem is, inherently, I see porn as quite negative towards women - aggressive, not about their enjoyment, and so even though I am really into sex and trying new things it's one area where I feel quite principled...in porn nobody ever kisses afterwards and says 'Honey, I love you, thanks for letting me jizz on your face!', it's all so cold and clinical, as a romantic and an idealist I don't want sex to just be about the 'in and out', I feel it should be deeper? Even when it's hot and heavy, when I'm in love I want to feel a connection?

I am a loser. haha. Shit...

abaya

No, you're not a loser. You're just being honest about how you feel, which is a good place to start. I think maybe you have only been exposed to a certain kind of porn, however, which may also bias your opinion. Have you heard of Comstock Films? Google their website and check our their porn samples... it's exactly the stuff you want to see. Real couples having real sex, in real relationships... it's great stuff, and definitely gets me hot because it IS real. They're not pretending.

I must admit though, I am a big fan of the ol' in and out... sometimes that's the only kind of porn I want to see. Comstock does that as well... you can do multiple camera angles with their videos, depending on what you want to see.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

TotalMILF

Porn is great! I find myself looking at a lot of porn lately, due to my husband being stationed overseas the the obvious lack of sex that goes along with deployment. It doesn't mean that I don't love him, or that I don't want to be with him, or that I don't find him sexually attractive (I do, holy SHIT I do!). It just means that I'm horny and I want to get off. I have some videos and picture of him that I often use, too

This is a generalization, but most males have a markedly higher sex drive than most women. They think about it ALL THE TIME. When you shot your bf down for the horizontal mambo, what did you think he was going to do? Go out and make you breakfast in bed? Ha! Maybe AFTER getting off! If I caught my hubby masturbating I'd probably get involved, or at least provide some visual stimulation of my own to assist him if I wasn't "in the mood" myself.

My point is, the fact that he's looking at porn likely has NOTHING to do with not desiring/loving you. He just wants to get off 'cause it feels fucking good. What's wrong with that? If it's really bugging you, talk to him about it. Maybe make some porn of your own for him to "use" at a later date

MrFriendly

TotalMILF has a pretty good understanding of the situation I reckon.

A lot of guys just like to wank, it's just a thing we do, regardless if we've got all the sex we need or not.

But I can tell you form a male perspective, you shouldn't need to feel jealous or threatened by your man looking at porn. From personal experience, porn is something I look at with complete emotional detachment, it's just something to get me stimulated, and I dare say that is the case for most other males too.

I can understand you being upset because he lied to you, and was being sneeky about it. From your side it would comes across like he's hiding something from you. But I'd be willing to bet he probably felt rather embarrassed or ashamed and was worried how you'd react. Like push-pull pointed out, that's something that can be resolved with communication.

You're right though, a lot of porn is quite aggressive and demeaning towards women, even I find it quite off putting. You just have to hunt around for porn you like

I honestly think masturbation is a part of ones sex life, regardless of how much sex they're having with their partner or not. I had a partner once who would tell me about what she was thinking about to get her self off that morning, personally, I found the idea of her taking matters into her own hands (yes yes, I cracked a pun ) when I wasn't around to be a huge turn on.

Most guys do think about sex a lot. When my physical and mental health is in order I think about it nearly all the time. Most blokes don't let it affect them and how they conduct themselves around women, but unfortunately, some guys do.

But hey, I've come across women who are just as bad as well.

__________________
You are not a slave

Redlemon

There are some other threads on "good porn for women" elsewhere on this board, but I'm not up to the search right now. Additionally, I've heard good things about the book The Smart Girl's Guide to Porn by Violet Blue.

I don't think that my wife would ever seek out porn on her own, but we watch it together occasionally, and it really heats her up. Also, she knows that I check out porn when she's not around, but she knows that it isn't a replacement for her, so she isn't bothered by it.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

tinydancer

Oookay.... I agree with this statement... Or at least I used to. BUT.... my bf looks at porn ALL the time... and so do I, on occasion...I'm not addicted like he is! BUT the thing is..... my sex drive is a hell of a lot higher than his, or so I've noticed. It really sucks, and sometimes hurts...when he looks at all this porn and then when i initiate things.... I've gotten that horrible line time after time..." I'm just not in the mood"...

I've never been with any other guy that didn't want sex or think about sex ALL THE TIME.... and while it's nice not to be looked at as just a piece of meat... eventually it makes you wonder if you're even desireable to that other person anymore.... especially when they turn down sex with a live human being, but then go use porn to wank off. Any advice??

__________________
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am i doing right?
-Charles M. Schulz

abaya

That would fucking piss me off. It's one thing if you aren't in the mood, and he lets you know that instead of bugging you, he'll go take care of himself (same thing if the genders are reversed). But it's something else if you are OFFERING sex, and he goes off to look at porn, which I would see as essentially a rejection... and I'd be hard-pressed to not break up with someone like that. Of course, it's best if you sit down and communicate about all this first, make sure there isn't something else going on... but seriously, that is major disrespect in my book, and asking for a bruisin' if things don't change. Everyone deserves better treatment than that... and until you ask for it, seems like he's not going to give it. Grrrr.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

TotalMILF

Talk to him and tell him how his porn addiction (and it definitely sounds like an addiction) makes you feel. It's definitely not normal to pass on real sex and then go jack off to porn. I'd take it as rejection, too, because that's exactly what he's doing to you - rejecting you for something else. What a weenie.

Redlemon

tinydancer: to answer from a male's perspective... yeah, what abaya & TotalMIFL said. Porn can be an enhancement, a time filler, or even a substitute, but there's no way it should be a replacement for the real thing.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Willravel

Addiction is a term that has to be applied carefully. In some circles, saying someone is addicted to porn is like saying that they are addicted to breathing.

I would say that when someone prefers masterbation to sex with a partner, there is something other than porn addiction to blame. There could be intimacy issues. There could be performance concerns. There could even be time constraints.

tinydancer

OOkay.... thanks for everyones feedback...

Maybe I didn't fully clarify....hmmm.....
I know that he looks at porn a lot....and that many times he's turned sex down... but I'm not saying that I've ever caught him. that sounds bad... umm... I've never noticed him actually getting himself off.... I just know that he looks at porn a lot. And when someone doesn't want sex with their partner,but looks at porn so much.....EHG.... Now i feel like an idiot, cause i guess I assumed...... that he's getting off to the porn. But what else can i think?? If he won't with me but looks at porn all the time, that's the only thing I can think! Other than the few other reasons ya'll pointed out. IDK I just know that even though I do look at porn on occasion, I still want him... soo much. I STILL WANT!! Just don't understand why he seemingly doesn't...


OH... and as far as him not bugging me when I may not be in the mood.... That isn't even an issue.... I'm always in the mood...anyday, anytime....ALWAYS!! Soo....maybe it's more my problem, than his?? Maybe I want it so much that the sex in general isn't desireable for him anymore...not so much that I'M undesireable to him....hmmmmmmmmm

__________________
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am i doing right?
-Charles M. Schulz

Ilow

Hold on, i don't think she said that he was passing on sex to go wank, she said that she was not in the mood and then caught him polishing the bishop. that seems quite different, may be it's just semantics (or me). I think that it is fairly normal for the average dude to flog the dolphin, but not at the expense of sex and intimacy with a willing partner.
Regarding what you said about the porn itself, there are a few threads around hee as i recall that suggest more "women-friendly" porn (you know, where positions like the "piledriver" are not utilized). i would not expect him to stop yanking his crank every so often though.

__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

GingerRoot

What eats me isn't that I can't find women friendly porn but that guy friendly porn commonly has components in it that are offensive to women... It makes me wonder what is wrong with men? and WHY do they like this??

I think what may be helpful for womens understanding is to put ourselves in mens shoes... imagine seeing tons of young fit attractive naked men and compare that to the experiance of having sex with your husband or boyfriend - very different things. Its harder for us because we just don't see that every day...

We could easily objectify men, it just hasn't happened the same way yet.

<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q245/rainbowcloude/350_gagged2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

TotalMILF

Actually, she said...

Maybe you thought I was referring to the OP?

Ilow

yes, tinydancer's point was a bit of a hijack, I was talking about the OP. thanks for clarifying.

__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

abaya

Well hey now, I don't know about you, but I objectify my husband frequently and he likes it.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Jinn

So as I panic and hastily scroll down, it should be noted perhaps in the OP that this thread is now NSFW?

Very good points, will.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

The Faba

Masturbation is in itself a wholly selfish experience. It's a method if focusing entirely on yourself and what feels good to you. You don't have to worry about performance or your appearance - just on what you like.

It's therapeutic and allows you to focus on your fantasies and establish a deeper connection to the sexual portion of your mind.

The use of porn as a sexual stimulant during masturbation rarely stems from a desire to 'be with' the individuals in the movie. (This would be an obsession dementia - otherwise known as a bad thing) but normally comes from a want to see the act of uninhibited-care-free-sex itself.

< rant >
Also, pornography is not discriminating against women. I say this because it treats both women and men as objects. (rather than just women, as many opponents state) When was the last time you thought 'I'd really like to get to know that man, he seems like an interesting guy...' when you were watching porn? I bet it was the same time you thought 'I'd really like to get to know that woman, he seems like an interesting girl...' To add to my argument, men are the ones actually exploited by pornography. They are the ones who are the main focus of the market, they are the ones advertised to, and they are the ones who utilize it (almost) daily.
< /rant >

This whole post/rant was to say that you should not feel upset that your boyfriend/girlfriend looks at porn. Of course, I can understand why you could feel this way, but (usually) porn means nothing to your significant other.

Hope this helps... :P

james t kirk

I love you.....

You completely understand the issue.

LOL, exactly.

Most males could care less and are game for just about anything in the bedroom. Personally, I find it hard to find a sexually creative woman.

To the original poster:

A couple of comments.

1. You definitely have some very obvious notions about porn. Without you directly saying it, I hazard to guess that you don't like it. My guess is that your first BF you described knew this and probably sensed that your stace on it was quite strong (Most teenagers are very extreme) and he looked at it purely objectively. She doesn't like porn and has made that very clear in no uncertain terms, so, it's not worth the arguement and the potential of not getting her and therefore, I am simply going to tell her a white lie - what she wants to hear. That way, I can have my cake and eat it too. I'll have my secret porn stash, AND, I can end up in her bed to boot.

Smart man. Only problem was he got busted. But most men are into porn.

2. Your current BF- He's up front about his stash. He probably also knows you have at least reservations about porn (you're not a teenager anymore, so the black and white teenage attitudes have faded slightly, ohly slightly, to grey) but he doesn't care. That's your problem as far as he is concerned.

When you rejected his sexual advance, he figured, ok, I'm going to take matters into my own hands and get myself off because I can't think straight and I need to cum. Men are very simple that way. If I was with a woman and too tired to fuck and she was wanting it - I'd hand her her vibrator and spoon her while she came. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I think there may be more to this story however. I am wondering if your current guy isn't sending you a bit of a message. Perhaps you have rejected his sexual advances once too often. Once in a while is normal (Though I have been with women who NEVER EVER said no), however, if you are saying no too often, not only is he getting himself off, but, he's using porn cause he knows that deep down, you don't like porn. He's sending you a message that he's not happy with your refuaal to take care of him.

I've been with women in bed where she's not able to service me, and I take matters into my own hands. But I have never gotten out of bed and hopped onto a computer to do it alone. Usually, I just ask her to hold my balls while I take matters into my own hands. I cum, and she gets the peace and quiet she wanted, I'm calmed down, and it's still quite erotic and loving. Usually, I am already sporting wood just laying in bed beside her. I don't need to get up and turn on a computer to wank to in another room while you are alone.

Nope, he's telling you he's not happy. He got out of your bed, left you alone, looked at other women, and climaxed and made sure you knew it.

(Note, this all is strictly my opinion as I don't know the guy, or you, and I am justing saying from my perspective, as if it was me.) Nobody likes rejection.

Acetylene

He might be too lazy or physically unfit to have real sex as often as he'd like. It's tiring. I had an ex-boyfriend who was totally lazy and it's no fun.

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

eribrav

Wow, now that takes laziness to a whole 'nother level!

MrFriendly

Too lazy for SEX!?

And here I am scaling the walls with anxiety because I have had any in a while and that dude was passing it off.

But in all seriousness, it may have been a medical thing, and possibly related to the fact he was unhealthy. Blokes loose their mojo from time to time.

__________________
You are not a slave

Sharon

The "lazy" thing may well be true, but more a question of energy than laziness. Sometimes we girls forget how hard guys have to work to take care of us... it typically takes a woman a long time to get off, anything from 10 mins to half an hour! A guy can jack off and be done in less than 2 minutes, no problem.

I had this same conversation with one of my first boyfriends... it upset me that he would take care of himself without my involvement, and I felt like he was rejecting me. After much arguing and discussion, we eventually figured out (and he had a hard time articulating it) that whenever we had sex, he felt like he had to make sure that I had a totally wild ride, which sometimes takes a while and lots of touching, foreplay and stimulation. Sometimes he was just tired, but needed a release, and he felt that it would be more respectful to me to take care of his need for release himself than it would be for him to just fuck me without making me cum. Once I understood this, I was tremendously relieved and it did make a lot of sense.

My solution? I told him that whenever he felt like he needed to get off, just TELL me... and I'd suck him off or give him a quickie or something without the pressure. It took a lot of pressure off that part of our relationship... and of course sometimes, once he'd gotten off and gotten his energy back, he'd go down on me and make sure I got mine too... but I didn't expect that from him, and learned instead to simply enjoy taking care of him.

Plan9

Sharon,

You're the smartest woman alive.

I vote Yes.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

MrFriendly

I dig your jive Coltrane

__________________
You are not a slave

Hyacinthe

I'm a woman and I honestly have more porn then most of my male friends. Porn can be very cold and clinical it's true but every now and then you find one that has a moment of tenderness. One of my favourites is a girl giving a blowjob and the guy she's pleasuring reaches down and gently brushes her hair out of her eyes, that moment of affection between the two is what makes it for me.

Sometimes masturbation can be just about the release of some tension, a quick climax. When I'm studying for university exams I know a night doesn't go by when I don't bring myself to orgasm without my partner, because otherwise I'll never sleep I am so stressed out. At the same time he understands that when I am that stressed I don't want sex because the entire time I am with him I will be feeling guilty. Something in my head will be saying "I should be reading over my psychology book or studying microbiology and aesepsis". Or maybe he's busy / not in the mood.

In the same way if he wants to get off and I'm busy or not in the mood I am not going to object when he takes matters into his own hands. He's not rejecting me or refusing me sex he's taking care of his own sexual needs.

Personally I would rather be with a guy that's willing to do that after I've said no then one who's going to spend the next hour trying to convince me to go jump into bed while I'm on a roll with an essay. Though my current bf has figured out if he waits I try my hardest to make the wait worth it after I finish.

As for you Tinydancer - I've been in your situation and gods does it ever hurt. It does begin to make you feel undesirable as much as you tell yourself that it shouldn't. My advice is talk to him and tell him how he's making you feel, it might help or it might not but realy not much else you could do.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Sarj

My last gf's all loved porn as much as I do. We re-enacted scenes while we were watching. Try it! It's great fun and can lead to some very funny and/or hot situations.

Sultana

I think that if I was approached to view it with *me/us* in mind, rather than just to watch it for porn's sake, it would be just fine.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

pornclerk

I objectify men all the time, it just happens in my mind- ha ha!

__________________
Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

Chumley

TotalMILF and Sharon pretty much summed up my reasons for looking at porn, as a guy (which I am). Faba and Kirk had good posts too.

To the OP.... I don't think you're a loser... lots of people get 'stuck' on this one. It can take time to separate the relationship issues and the feelings about porn itself. The kind of porn you describe is out there - it's the crappy kind. There is a lot of porn, and not all of it is heartless.

To TinyDancer: I feel for your confusion. That's tough. Perhaps he is suffering effects of having too much available sex, and is somehow more comfortable with this other outlet, at least some of the time? I once thought I would never turn down sex, but eventually it happened... I think you need to get back in touch with him somehow -- maybe let him control it a bit more. Take this all w/a grain of salt, esp if it doesn't seem appropriate.