she virtually cheated on me... how bad is it? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 04:16 AM

guys....

i believe i'm going to tell you a quite amusing/tragicomic story. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we are on a long distance relationship but we managed to catch up quite often, and lately she was planning to move with me for a few months. Everything great and cool. She is attractive and sort of malicious, anyways nothing wrong with that but.....

I wanted to test her and she failed miserably.......

Knowing how much she likes to chat (we met ourselves online) I created a fake account, fake photos, fake everything and started to contact her asking for turistic advices about her city coz I was going to visit there with a bunch of friends. Initally she was already very friendly, we exchanged photos, and she got at once into 'me' after seing the photo.....
Girls and guys.... To make a long story short.... She started a whole sexual innuendos and we ended on talking about sex, in a very very intimate way!!
She proposed to take me out for a coffe.... Finally we planned an entire flirt, and at the end she even asked me for my phone number!!!!!!!! Which I invented and gave her....

I still didnt tell her anything.... It happened just last friday after all. Yesterday she noticed my smss were very bitter and she asked me if everything was ok.... i wrote her: can I trust you? and she called me acting offended.... but apparently no alarm bell rang in her head!
Everything is normal.....! Tomorrow, on monday she has another online appointment with the fake me.

Do I have reasons to be pissed off? Shall I break up? Any advices??
Thanks a lot.

tecoyah · 06-03-2007, 04:41 AM

You created an issue
You lied to someone you care about
You failed your own test as soon as you instigated it
You deserve exactly what you got
and.....Yes.....break off the relationship, you have destroyed any hope for trust.

Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It

shakran · 06-03-2007, 04:49 AM

Yeah, I have some advice. Quit playing idiot games with your girlfriend. This is how middle school children behave when they start dating. It's not the way mature adults carry out relationships.

Psycho Dad · 06-03-2007, 04:55 AM

There is one last chance to salvage this IMHO. Take the advice of the first two replies, tell her what you did, apologize and tell her you will never do this again and will in the future try to develop a relationship instead of playing games. Good luck man.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 04:57 AM

ok thanks guys,

tecoyah - yes i created an issue, and even if in an unfair way I discovered something quite bad, how they say, the ends justifies the means, don't you think I had the right to know it? Would you call it to lie, a test to find out if someone is lieing? It's like using a truth machine. And I didn't fail the test, she failed. If she would behaved differently, like being just friend, then she would of passed it and everybody's happy.
Was it me who destroied any hope for the truth? ummm i would say it was her.

shakran - the game might have been probably idiot... but i got to discover a side of her I cannot accept ... again, the ends justifies the means

psychodad - shall I apologize to her?!?

didnt really get this, would you explane it to me? -thanks anyway

so, genuine question, why shall i break up?

abaya · 06-03-2007, 05:03 AM

You shall break up because you are not mature enough to be in a relationship.

Yes, it's a lie to test if someone else is lying. It's not a "truth machine," you're not a police officer assigned to find out if someone is lying. You're a boyfriend. No "test" is justified in a relationship, period.

Are you going to put every girl you date through the same "test?" Gee, what a great way to express your love for someone.

Psycho Dad · 06-03-2007, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

psychodad - shall I apologize to her?!?

didnt really get this, would you explane it to me? -thanks anyway

I want to change my advice. Just break up with her and do her a favor. When you mature enough for a relationship, take baby steps and start with someone you can interact with daily on a face to face basis before trying something advanced like a long distance relationship.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 05:11 AM

abaya - actually I did... and they all passed (3)
I am a normal balanced person, not jealous, however certain very outgoing attitudes of her alarmed me and I did what I did.
Considering that she asked my cellphone and proposed to take me out... I find it a bigger sin than me faking the identity.

I still believe that the ends justifies the means

psycho dad, I respect your opinion but you just gave me a statement without motivating it, and without answering me

shakran · 06-03-2007, 05:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

You shall break up because you are not mature enough to be in a relationship.

Ding! Abaya nailed it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

I am a normal balanced person, not jealous

You seriously expect us to believe this after what you told us? Non-jealous people do not set up elaborate traps for their girlfriends.

noodlebee · 06-03-2007, 05:23 AM

You already said this is long distance. You were the one who instigated this plan. Were you talking to her in the same manner as you usually do while you were in "disguise"? If yes, isn't that a proof that she likes your attitude and personality? You two met online. While online relationships work (I know real life friends who did this successfully), I think it is best to assume that before you meet each other face to face, you two are still considered OK to trial for other potential partners. Maybe she thinks that way.

Did you even talk about relationship guidelines before this? Everything should be out in the open, discussing what specifically defines "cheating" in your particular relationship, or how much time to spend with friends versus just as a couple alone. What one couple thinks is "cheating" is not always the same as another couple. Some are stricter. Some are more relaxed and OK with open relationships.

If you still want to try mending this relationship, tell her everything completely and honestly. Don't hide certain details or feelings. This is not a surefire way of fixing the relationship. In the end, she is the one to decide. But morally, this is one of the best. The other people who spoke before me also offer morally very sound advice.

Push-Pull · 06-03-2007, 05:25 AM

Quote:

I am a normal balanced person, not jealous, however certain very outgoing attitudes of her alarmed me and I did what I did.
Considering that she asked my cellphone and proposed to take me out... I find it a bigger sin than me faking the identity.

Dude, I've had a girlfriend actually cheat on me, and I was none the wiser until her "other" man confronted me because he thought she was cheating on him with me. (Fucked up, yes?) Anyhow, the point is this....I've been fucked over in the past, and since then I've NEVER even remotely considered what you've done.

The relationship is damaged badly by both of you. Let it go.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 05:34 AM

yes, she loved my approach and we are in love.
Anyhow I might just dont tell her anything, stopping with that virtual thing of course, and continue the relationship.
Not forgetting, although that she is a potential cheater.

noodlebee · 06-03-2007, 05:38 AM

Why will you not tell her anything?

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 05:47 AM

let's say we both stand in the wrong side. We both lied quite bad, me for my unfair subtle test, and her for her wish to cheat, flirt and have sex with a stranger

i feel we are quite even

ktspktsp · 06-03-2007, 05:48 AM

She is not worthy of being your girlfriend since she seems like a likely cheater.
You're not worthy of being her boyfriend since you're manipulative.

So yes you two should break up!

The problem with your test, Liam, is that while it helps you uncover if she is a potential cheater or not, it also establishes you as someone who's untrustworthy. So you end up undermining the relationship no matter what her reaction to your plan will be.

Sure, you can hide the fact that you make a girl go through that test (if she passes) and try to live happily ever after but:
1) If she finds out, she will have a problem trusting you.
2) If she doesn't, you have to live with a lie, and that will affect your actions in your relationship on some level.

Acetylene · 06-03-2007, 05:50 AM

Everyone is a potential cheater. You will DRIVE her to cheating (or a breakup) if you continue to treat her like a liar and a slut.

So you've tested your other three girlfriends? Why aren't you still with them? Could it be because you lied to them on a large scale, deceiving them merely to satisfy your own pathetic ego?

Dude, get a parrot or something. You aren't capable of handling a woman right now.

noodlebee · 06-03-2007, 05:51 AM

To fix a lie is to tell about it and apologise, not to hide it.

And you did not answer my question properly. I will rephrase it in a better way: What part of your feelings prevents you from telling her? I realise this is online, but the attitude in the language you use makes me sense you are avoiding.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 06:05 AM

noodlebee, i wouldnt want to tell it to her not for feelings but for logical reasons: i created the issue and I have to go through it myself, whether i decide to leave her or not. If i tell her I create a case that could be irreversable, and i dont want it, not now at least.

Again, here it seems that I am the only one who lied, but her lie is as bigger as mine....

Acetylene - i dont treat her like a slut, and no, not everyone is a potential cheater, i have done the exact same things to a couple of my ex's and nothing happened. I didnt force anything, believe it or not, she led the conversation into sexual innuendos....

ktspktsp - am I manipulative? the ends justifies the means, and i dont understand why i am untrustworthy because I did that test.
A police officer who gives the truth machine test to someone is untrustworthy?

ShaniFaye · 06-03-2007, 06:09 AM

you just dont want to give her the chance to dump you because you believe in manipulative controlling unacceptable behaviour.

You were all set to take her actions and dump her irriversably but you cant take your own medicine

you keep touting the ends justify the means....why are you asking for advice then, you dont think you did anything wrong....every person here says you did...doesnt that tell you something?

grow up

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 06:16 AM

ShaniFaye - thank you. I didnt say that I havent done anything wrong, on the contrary I just said that I did something wrong and I did lie.
However, she did as well. I am just trying to understand who has the worst behavior here. In my opinion we are 50% 50%

ktspktsp · 06-03-2007, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

ktspktsp - am I manipulative? the ends justifies the means, and i dont understand why i am untrustworthy because I did that test.
A police officer who gives the truth machine test to someone is untrustworthy?

This situation is more akin to entrapment rather than anything else.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 06:22 AM

ktspktsp - this situation is more like.... leaving a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it

ShaniFaye · 06-03-2007, 06:22 AM

well allow me to answer that for you

YOU had the worse behaviour. You feel the need to "test" her because she is outgoing, not because she "did" anything.

Be a man, tell her what you did and that you cant trust her because she's outgoing...then go find yourself a woman thats content to sit by the computer or phone until you're ready to allow her out of her cage, maybe then you wont feel the need to "test" anyone

noodlebee · 06-03-2007, 06:24 AM

Personally, I find that if you don't tell her about your past actions of this incident, you are being selfish. Yes, you created this issue yourself. But now you are withholding information and the right for this person to decide whether the relationship is still worth persuing. Yes, she should be telling you about her own action to you instead of your diguise too. But since you are the one asking us for advice instead of her, of course we are going to tell YOU what we feel is the best course of action instead of telling HER.

Maybe the ends do justify the means, but what happens to the responsibility-allocation afterwards? By not telling her, you are not even giving her the chance to explain herself, apologise and make the necessary actions to repair the relationship.

jth · 06-03-2007, 06:46 AM

is it possible that her interest int his 'fake' you is because she is in fact not happy and looking for a way out of her relationship with you?

One thing to realize is Women are far more perceptive the most men, and by your little 'test' on her she probably has an idea that you are up to something or doesn't think you trust her period. If a woman can't have trust in a relationship with a man, then you're basically screwed pal.

Two wrongs don't cancel each other out. You painted the picture of a man that she probably would have no help but falling for in some form of interest. Maybe she just wanted to go to coffee with the guy and not screw his brains out. How far were you willing to go with the fake you? You created a scenario DESIGNED to lure her away from you. People tend to not cheat if they are happy in their current relationship... which tells me she's not happy with you, and if she found out about your little manipulative streak she'd probably drop you like a bad habbit.

You have some serious Trust issues man, break it off and re-evaluate your relationship goals

shesus · 06-03-2007, 06:46 AM

WOW!

Break-up with her, move on, and stop the manipulation. It's extremely unattractive and if I were your girlfriend, I'd kick your ass and then kick you when you were down. That is a dickish move and you need to grow up. Also, from my experience, manipulating is a sign of a future abusive relationship.

AND...if she is opting to cheat on you...what is wrong in the relationship? If she was happy and serious about you, she wouldn't consider going elsewhere....just a thought.

Learn how to have a mature relationship.

ratbastid · 06-03-2007, 06:52 AM

There's no 50-50 here. You forced this result. You wouldn't have left her alone until she DID show attraction to your mythical cheat-target, because ultimately you're out to prove that people can't be trusted. You have SERIOUS trust issues, and until you resolve those, I urge you to stay out of relationships. You're going to damage everyone you're close with until you deal with this for yourself.

You should break up with her and not start another relationship until you can handle it like a grown-up.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 06:55 AM

jth - i understand your point. but let me articulate the situation with more details: she surely wouldnt go out only for a coffe considering that she led the sexual innuendos untill talking about sexual positions and other sexual stuff..... the point is that she loves sex and she wrote to the fake me that to love someone is different than just to go and have sex with someone and that she can do both, so it wasnt something innocent.

For doing what I did, I know I am not that innocent either, and i do recognize we are quite similar, and plus i just spoke with her on the phone and she told me how much she loves me and want to move in with me, next month..... so it's just a matter of her proably wanting extra sex with someone new.... nothing to do with being unhappy with me. we do stimulate and challenge one another quite a lot.

Again, I know i did something quite unfair, and i discovered something quite unfair. I will quote myself by saing that the situation is like this : I left on purpose a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it.
See, i didnt force anything, I'd paste the chat text and show you guys how neutral i was, but it's not the case.

pig · 06-03-2007, 06:58 AM

since i don't honestly give a shit about this particular situation; to few details and too little time to get invested, i'm going to address the more general question. can you set up little traps and tests for someone you might be potentially interested in seeing? i can't really see myself doing it as i'm rather lazy about that sort of shit, but i don't really see anything wrong with it, i don't think. i mean, let's say that instead of explicitly "testing" his girlfriend, he was just fucking around playing a game with her...and it came out that she jumped to sexual innuendo. is he still a bad guy? i mean, you meet someone 'on-line' for christ's sake, and you have questions as to how that translates to real life. so you send them some im/messagey thingies from another handle to see if it's serious for them, or if its a hobby. god knows people like to play the flirt game on the interwebs....and it turns out she's game to hook up with another guy as well. i don't really see the problem with that.

it just goes to show you; you can't trust shit on the internet. i don't trust any of you....ANY OF YOU!!!!

ShaniFaye · 06-03-2007, 07:05 AM

well then I suggest you find a girl that doesnt think like that, for that matter a lot of us here think the same way (as far as being able to be in love and have sex with another person)

there are plenty of people that dont think that and obviously thats the kind of woman you need

Cynthetiq · 06-03-2007, 07:27 AM

so I take it if she was in your area and presence, you'd snoop around her items, look in her mail, follow her when she did not know.

real mature.

no matter how you slice and dice it, you did wrong and now have to come clean about it. If not then you bear this on your shoulders always. In your current state of mind, you'll always be looking for this.

justify it all you want to the people typing at you on the internet, it still don't change the facts.

ratbastid · 06-03-2007, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

See, i didnt force anything...

The good news is that if you keep telling yourself that, it allows you to believe that she's the bad guy and you're the wronged party. So hey, knock yourself out.

tecoyah · 06-03-2007, 08:11 AM

My guess here (correct me if I am wrong), the Guy you played on IM was far more mature and likable than the projection we see here. It is of no wonder she was more attracted to him than to you.
You asked for advice, and overwhelmingly it has leaned towards you changing attitudes on what a relationship should be. understand as well, that few places you will go will have the experienced and mature membership you find here. I would recommend you re-read this entire thread....take in the advice....and then evaluate how you play the game of love.

Plan9 · 06-03-2007, 09:13 AM

Hrrm, one could argue that we're all cheaters for the right price.

You might be a big idiot for doing this Jerry Springer circus nonsense, but as long as you learn something from it and don't do it again... you'll be fine.

I won't claim to know the relationship rules of privacy / truthfulness... I'm a fool when it comes to those.

Perhaps you should focus on being the man she wants instead of playing him on SMS.

Dilbert1234567 · 06-03-2007, 09:16 AM

tell her what you did, and when the most likely outcome of her dumping your immature self happens, learn from it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

let's say we both stand in the wrong side. We both lied quite bad, me for my unfair subtle test, and her for her wish to cheat, flirt and have sex with a stranger

i feel we are quite even

she hasn't done anything wrong yet dude, you have. don't push the blame to her where there is no blame. it's just talk, talk is cheep.

i talk in sexual innuendo's to many people, people i will never meet, and those i will, she may just be looking for a friend to discuss you with, someone who is mature and open.

what you did... yuk. to reiterate what most of my peers have said, you are to immature to be in an intimate relationship with someone.

1010011010 · 06-03-2007, 09:58 AM

Here's how you're supposed to go about establishing the boundaries of a relationship:
Talk to the other person about it in a clear and straightforward manner.
This requires you to be clear on your own boundaries first, of course.

It's not clear what boundaries have been set. You may think of it as a 1:1 thing, but she may think of it as a long-distance friends-with-benefits arrangement. So whatever self-righteous sense of betrayal you may be trying to build for yourself is easily deflated by her simply saying "Whoa, guy. We didn't have that kind of relationship."

Just because you didn't want to see other people doesn't mean she felt the same way. And that's all you've found out. She may be acting with a clear conscience.... so leave the "cheating slut" rhetoric at home.

spectre · 06-03-2007, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

I left on purpose a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it.
See, i didnt force anything, I'd paste the chat text and show you guys how neutral i was, but it's not the case.

No. What you did was leave the wallet, then stand there and continuously badger her into taking, and now you're taking offense because she walked by and glanced at the wallet on the ground.

Based on what you said, all it sounds like is she engaged in playful banter. Not once in your original post did you mention that they were supposed to meet for sex. You put it in her head that he was kind of a lost tourist and then turned it into a friendship. Was there ever any mention of it being a meeting for anything beyond just a cup of coffee and her showing him around the city a bit? Your only proof is that she used sexual innuendos. Hell, I've used sexual innuendos with friends that I have no intention of sleeping with and who know that it's just me joking around. I know she said that relationships were different than just having sex with someone, and she could do both, but did she actually say that's what was going on here? I'm guessing not. It sounds more like you were searching for what you wanted to hear. A lot of people can do both, it doesn't mean that they will do both at the same time. Dude, grow up and tell her what you did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

am I manipulative? the ends justifies the means, and i dont understand why i am untrustworthy because I did that test.

Quit saying that. The ends do not justify the means. YOU manipulated her into saying exactly what YOU wanted to hear, and by the sounds of it, she didn't even go far enough where you even have a leg to stand on in this. Seriously, how old are you? Quit playing games and act like an adult. This situation isn't 50/50. This is 100% your issue.

liamfoster · 06-03-2007, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spectre

Was there ever any mention of it being a meeting for anything beyond just a cup of coffee and her showing him around the city a bit? Your only proof is that she used sexual innuendos. Hell, I've used sexual innuendos with friends that I have no intention of sleeping with and who know that it's just me joking around.

let me give more details then: we planned to have sex in the hotel i was going to stay, she asked me for my cellphone and she said that first she wanted to get to know me, slowly and in a flirty way, and then get intimate. She asked me directly explicitly my sexual tastes.

I didnt manipulate her at all!!! i was friendly at the beginning, she asked me for the photos first and for my cellphone first, and she let into a sexual conversation.
Women are not so silly to let themselves being manipulated in sexual ways... unless they do want that..

ratbastid · 06-03-2007, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liamfoster

I didnt manipulate her at all!!!

Except for the whole "pretending to be somebody else on IM so you could test her and see if she can be provoked into demonstrating the untrustworthiness you suspected all along" thing.

But, hey, keep telling yourself that.

StellaLuna · 06-03-2007, 11:36 AM

What will you do in the future if you do stay with this girl, and decide she's acting suspicious? Are you going to devise a new "test" of her affections and dedication to you?

You're not just manipulative, you're a liar. You lied to her, and now you're lying to yourself. Let this one go.

06-03-2007, 04:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	she virtually cheated on me... how bad is it? guys.... i believe i'm going to tell you a quite amusing/tragicomic story. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we are on a long distance relationship but we managed to catch up quite often, and lately she was planning to move with me for a few months. Everything great and cool. She is attractive and sort of malicious, anyways nothing wrong with that but..... I wanted to test her and she failed miserably....... Knowing how much she likes to chat (we met ourselves online) I created a fake account, fake photos, fake everything and started to contact her asking for turistic advices about her city coz I was going to visit there with a bunch of friends. Initally she was already very friendly, we exchanged photos, and she got at once into 'me' after seing the photo..... Girls and guys.... To make a long story short.... She started a whole sexual innuendos and we ended on talking about sex, in a very very intimate way!! She proposed to take me out for a coffe.... Finally we planned an entire flirt, and at the end she even asked me for my phone number!!!!!!!! Which I invented and gave her.... I still didnt tell her anything.... It happened just last friday after all. Yesterday she noticed my smss were very bitter and she asked me if everything was ok.... i wrote her: can I trust you? and she called me acting offended.... but apparently no alarm bell rang in her head! Everything is normal.....! Tomorrow, on monday she has another online appointment with the fake me. Do I have reasons to be pissed off? Shall I break up? Any advices?? Thanks a lot.

06-03-2007, 04:55 AM	#4 (permalink)
Psycho Dad Mulletproof Location: Some nucking fut house.	There is one last chance to salvage this IMHO. Take the advice of the first two replies, tell her what you did, apologize and tell her you will never do this again and will in the future try to develop a relationship instead of playing games. Good luck man. __________________ Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

06-03-2007, 05:03 AM	#6 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	You shall break up because you are not mature enough to be in a relationship. Yes, it's a lie to test if someone else is lying. It's not a "truth machine," you're not a police officer assigned to find out if someone is lying. You're a boyfriend. No "test" is justified in a relationship, period. Are you going to put every girl you date through the same "test?" Gee, what a great way to express your love for someone. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

06-03-2007, 05:11 AM	#8 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	abaya - actually I did... and they all passed (3) I am a normal balanced person, not jealous, however certain very outgoing attitudes of her alarmed me and I did what I did. Considering that she asked my cellphone and proposed to take me out... I find it a bigger sin than me faking the identity. I still believe that the ends justifies the means psycho dad, I respect your opinion but you just gave me a statement without motivating it, and without answering me Last edited by liamfoster; 06-03-2007 at 05:12 AM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

06-03-2007, 05:50 AM	#16 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	Everyone is a potential cheater. You will DRIVE her to cheating (or a breakup) if you continue to treat her like a liar and a slut. So you've tested your other three girlfriends? Why aren't you still with them? Could it be because you lied to them on a large scale, deceiving them merely to satisfy your own pathetic ego? Dude, get a parrot or something. You aren't capable of handling a woman right now. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

06-03-2007, 04:41 AM	#2 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	You created an issue You lied to someone you care about You failed your own test as soon as you instigated it You deserve exactly what you got and.....Yes.....break off the relationship, you have destroyed any hope for trust. Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It

06-03-2007, 04:49 AM	#3 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	Yeah, I have some advice. Quit playing idiot games with your girlfriend. This is how middle school children behave when they start dating. It's not the way mature adults carry out relationships.

06-03-2007, 04:57 AM	#5 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	ok thanks guys, tecoyah - yes i created an issue, and even if in an unfair way I discovered something quite bad, how they say, the ends justifies the means, don't you think I had the right to know it? Would you call it to lie, a test to find out if someone is lieing? It's like using a truth machine. And I didn't fail the test, she failed. If she would behaved differently, like being just friend, then she would of passed it and everybody's happy. Was it me who destroied any hope for the truth? ummm i would say it was her. shakran - the game might have been probably idiot... but i got to discover a side of her I cannot accept ... again, the ends justifies the means psychodad - shall I apologize to her?!? didnt really get this, would you explane it to me? -thanks anyway so, genuine question, why shall i break up?

06-03-2007, 05:23 AM	#10 (permalink)
noodlebee Crazy Location: Canada	You already said this is long distance. You were the one who instigated this plan. Were you talking to her in the same manner as you usually do while you were in "disguise"? If yes, isn't that a proof that she likes your attitude and personality? You two met online. While online relationships work (I know real life friends who did this successfully), I think it is best to assume that before you meet each other face to face, you two are still considered OK to trial for other potential partners. Maybe she thinks that way. Did you even talk about relationship guidelines before this? Everything should be out in the open, discussing what specifically defines "cheating" in your particular relationship, or how much time to spend with friends versus just as a couple alone. What one couple thinks is "cheating" is not always the same as another couple. Some are stricter. Some are more relaxed and OK with open relationships. If you still want to try mending this relationship, tell her everything completely and honestly. Don't hide certain details or feelings. This is not a surefire way of fixing the relationship. In the end, she is the one to decide. But morally, this is one of the best. The other people who spoke before me also offer morally very sound advice.

06-03-2007, 05:34 AM	#12 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	yes, she loved my approach and we are in love. Anyhow I might just dont tell her anything, stopping with that virtual thing of course, and continue the relationship. Not forgetting, although that she is a potential cheater.

06-03-2007, 05:38 AM	#13 (permalink)
noodlebee Crazy Location: Canada	Why will you not tell her anything?

06-03-2007, 05:47 AM	#14 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	let's say we both stand in the wrong side. We both lied quite bad, me for my unfair subtle test, and her for her wish to cheat, flirt and have sex with a stranger i feel we are quite even

06-03-2007, 05:48 AM	#15 (permalink)
ktspktsp Addict Location: Reykjavik, Iceland	She is not worthy of being your girlfriend since she seems like a likely cheater. You're not worthy of being her boyfriend since you're manipulative. So yes you two should break up! The problem with your test, Liam, is that while it helps you uncover if she is a potential cheater or not, it also establishes you as someone who's untrustworthy. So you end up undermining the relationship no matter what her reaction to your plan will be. Sure, you can hide the fact that you make a girl go through that test (if she passes) and try to live happily ever after but: 1) If she finds out, she will have a problem trusting you. 2) If she doesn't, you have to live with a lie, and that will affect your actions in your relationship on some level.

06-03-2007, 05:51 AM	#17 (permalink)
noodlebee Crazy Location: Canada	To fix a lie is to tell about it and apologise, not to hide it. And you did not answer my question properly. I will rephrase it in a better way: What part of your feelings prevents you from telling her? I realise this is online, but the attitude in the language you use makes me sense you are avoiding.

06-03-2007, 06:05 AM	#18 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	noodlebee, i wouldnt want to tell it to her not for feelings but for logical reasons: i created the issue and I have to go through it myself, whether i decide to leave her or not. If i tell her I create a case that could be irreversable, and i dont want it, not now at least. Again, here it seems that I am the only one who lied, but her lie is as bigger as mine.... Acetylene - i dont treat her like a slut, and no, not everyone is a potential cheater, i have done the exact same things to a couple of my ex's and nothing happened. I didnt force anything, believe it or not, she led the conversation into sexual innuendos.... ktspktsp - am I manipulative? the ends justifies the means, and i dont understand why i am untrustworthy because I did that test. A police officer who gives the truth machine test to someone is untrustworthy?

06-03-2007, 06:09 AM	#19 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	you just dont want to give her the chance to dump you because you believe in manipulative controlling unacceptable behaviour. You were all set to take her actions and dump her irriversably but you cant take your own medicine you keep touting the ends justify the means....why are you asking for advice then, you dont think you did anything wrong....every person here says you did...doesnt that tell you something? grow up __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

06-03-2007, 06:16 AM	#20 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	ShaniFaye - thank you. I didnt say that I havent done anything wrong, on the contrary I just said that I did something wrong and I did lie. However, she did as well. I am just trying to understand who has the worst behavior here. In my opinion we are 50% 50%

06-03-2007, 06:22 AM	#22 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	ktspktsp - this situation is more like.... leaving a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it

06-03-2007, 06:22 AM	#23 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	well allow me to answer that for you YOU had the worse behaviour. You feel the need to "test" her because she is outgoing, not because she "did" anything. Be a man, tell her what you did and that you cant trust her because she's outgoing...then go find yourself a woman thats content to sit by the computer or phone until you're ready to allow her out of her cage, maybe then you wont feel the need to "test" anyone __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

06-03-2007, 06:24 AM	#24 (permalink)
noodlebee Crazy Location: Canada	Personally, I find that if you don't tell her about your past actions of this incident, you are being selfish. Yes, you created this issue yourself. But now you are withholding information and the right for this person to decide whether the relationship is still worth persuing. Yes, she should be telling you about her own action to you instead of your diguise too. But since you are the one asking us for advice instead of her, of course we are going to tell YOU what we feel is the best course of action instead of telling HER. Maybe the ends do justify the means, but what happens to the responsibility-allocation afterwards? By not telling her, you are not even giving her the chance to explain herself, apologise and make the necessary actions to repair the relationship.

06-03-2007, 06:46 AM	#25 (permalink)
jth Insane Location: HRM	is it possible that her interest int his 'fake' you is because she is in fact not happy and looking for a way out of her relationship with you? One thing to realize is Women are far more perceptive the most men, and by your little 'test' on her she probably has an idea that you are up to something or doesn't think you trust her period. If a woman can't have trust in a relationship with a man, then you're basically screwed pal. Two wrongs don't cancel each other out. You painted the picture of a man that she probably would have no help but falling for in some form of interest. Maybe she just wanted to go to coffee with the guy and not screw his brains out. How far were you willing to go with the fake you? You created a scenario DESIGNED to lure her away from you. People tend to not cheat if they are happy in their current relationship... which tells me she's not happy with you, and if she found out about your little manipulative streak she'd probably drop you like a bad habbit. You have some serious Trust issues man, break it off and re-evaluate your relationship goals __________________ "A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

06-03-2007, 06:46 AM	#26 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	WOW! Break-up with her, move on, and stop the manipulation. It's extremely unattractive and if I were your girlfriend, I'd kick your ass and then kick you when you were down. That is a dickish move and you need to grow up. Also, from my experience, manipulating is a sign of a future abusive relationship. AND...if she is opting to cheat on you...what is wrong in the relationship? If she was happy and serious about you, she wouldn't consider going elsewhere....just a thought. Learn how to have a mature relationship. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

06-03-2007, 06:52 AM	#27 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	There's no 50-50 here. You forced this result. You wouldn't have left her alone until she DID show attraction to your mythical cheat-target, because ultimately you're out to prove that people can't be trusted. You have SERIOUS trust issues, and until you resolve those, I urge you to stay out of relationships. You're going to damage everyone you're close with until you deal with this for yourself. You should break up with her and not start another relationship until you can handle it like a grown-up.

06-03-2007, 06:55 AM	#28 (permalink)
liamfoster Upright	jth - i understand your point. but let me articulate the situation with more details: she surely wouldnt go out only for a coffe considering that she led the sexual innuendos untill talking about sexual positions and other sexual stuff..... the point is that she loves sex and she wrote to the fake me that to love someone is different than just to go and have sex with someone and that she can do both, so it wasnt something innocent. For doing what I did, I know I am not that innocent either, and i do recognize we are quite similar, and plus i just spoke with her on the phone and she told me how much she loves me and want to move in with me, next month..... so it's just a matter of her proably wanting extra sex with someone new.... nothing to do with being unhappy with me. we do stimulate and challenge one another quite a lot. Again, I know i did something quite unfair, and i discovered something quite unfair. I will quote myself by saing that the situation is like this : I left on purpose a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it. See, i didnt force anything, I'd paste the chat text and show you guys how neutral i was, but it's not the case.

06-03-2007, 06:58 AM	#29 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	since i don't honestly give a shit about this particular situation; to few details and too little time to get invested, i'm going to address the more general question. can you set up little traps and tests for someone you might be potentially interested in seeing? i can't really see myself doing it as i'm rather lazy about that sort of shit, but i don't really see anything wrong with it, i don't think. i mean, let's say that instead of explicitly "testing" his girlfriend, he was just fucking around playing a game with her...and it came out that she jumped to sexual innuendo. is he still a bad guy? i mean, you meet someone 'on-line' for christ's sake, and you have questions as to how that translates to real life. so you send them some im/messagey thingies from another handle to see if it's serious for them, or if its a hobby. god knows people like to play the flirt game on the interwebs....and it turns out she's game to hook up with another guy as well. i don't really see the problem with that. it just goes to show you; you can't trust shit on the internet. i don't trust any of you....ANY OF YOU!!!! __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

06-03-2007, 07:05 AM	#30 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	well then I suggest you find a girl that doesnt think like that, for that matter a lot of us here think the same way (as far as being able to be in love and have sex with another person) there are plenty of people that dont think that and obviously thats the kind of woman you need __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

06-03-2007, 07:27 AM	#31 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	so I take it if she was in your area and presence, you'd snoop around her items, look in her mail, follow her when she did not know. real mature. no matter how you slice and dice it, you did wrong and now have to come clean about it. If not then you bear this on your shoulders always. In your current state of mind, you'll always be looking for this. justify it all you want to the people typing at you on the internet, it still don't change the facts. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

06-03-2007, 08:11 AM	#33 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	My guess here (correct me if I am wrong), the Guy you played on IM was far more mature and likable than the projection we see here. It is of no wonder she was more attracted to him than to you. You asked for advice, and overwhelmingly it has leaned towards you changing attitudes on what a relationship should be. understand as well, that few places you will go will have the experienced and mature membership you find here. I would recommend you re-read this entire thread....take in the advice....and then evaluate how you play the game of love.

06-03-2007, 09:13 AM	#34 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Hrrm, one could argue that we're all cheaters for the right price. You might be a big idiot for doing this Jerry Springer circus nonsense, but as long as you learn something from it and don't do it again... you'll be fine. I won't claim to know the relationship rules of privacy / truthfulness... I'm a fool when it comes to those. Perhaps you should focus on being the man she wants instead of playing him on SMS. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-03-2007, 09:58 AM	#36 (permalink)
1010011010 Psycho Location: Virginia Beach, VA	Here's how you're supposed to go about establishing the boundaries of a relationship: Talk to the other person about it in a clear and straightforward manner. This requires you to be clear on your own boundaries first, of course. It's not clear what boundaries have been set. You may think of it as a 1:1 thing, but she may think of it as a long-distance friends-with-benefits arrangement. So whatever self-righteous sense of betrayal you may be trying to build for yourself is easily deflated by her simply saying "Whoa, guy. We didn't have that kind of relationship." Just because you didn't want to see other people doesn't mean she felt the same way. And that's all you've found out. She may be acting with a clear conscience.... so leave the "cheating slut" rhetoric at home. __________________ *Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions*

06-03-2007, 11:36 AM	#40 (permalink)
StellaLuna Psycho Location: hiding behind wings	What will you do in the future if you do stay with this girl, and decide she's acting suspicious? Are you going to devise a new "test" of her affections and dedication to you? You're not just manipulative, you're a liar. You lied to her, and now you're lying to yourself. Let this one go. __________________ Screw tradition!