calibrich

My girlfriend of about 2 months and I were watching tv and she had her hand in my pocket. Next thing I know she is pulling my cell phone out and started to back away with this look on her face and then started to open it. I kinda flipped and grabbed it from her. Not that I had something to hide, but I dont like the idea of not being trusted and it rubbed me wrong. And now it adds to her not trusting me because of how I acted even though I hadnt done anything.

Is this all on me for overreacting? And is it partly ok to act like that if its your personal stuff and thinking you should be trusted.

I think if she would have asked to see it, I would have acted different and let her, but for some reason, the sneaky thing rubbed me wrong.

Jinn

My cell phone, my desktop, and my laptop are my space. I don't have anything to hide, and she knows I have porn. They are MINE, and I very extremely sensitive if someone else gets anywhere near them. There are passwords, websites, conversations, etc.. they aren't particularly personal but they're still mine, and should be treated just as a journal would.

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with it.

My girlfriend has the same space; I dont think she's be comfortable with me using her computer or looking through her text messages.

It's all about trust, and trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. Everyone has their "private" things.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Seaver

I don't go through my girl's phone, I refuse to allow them to go through mine.

As Jinn said, I don't have anything to hide, I just don't like people going through MY things.

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"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

analog

Anything to hide or no, it's your personal possession.

What the hell is it with girls trying to look at guys' cellphones, anyway?? Pfft.

dirtyrascal7

I am the same way... I don't like it when people ask to use my computer. I won't say no and I don't have anything terribly embarrassing to hide, but for some reason it just makes me uneasy. Same with my cell phone... I couldn't date a girl who felt the need to flip through my numbers or text messages in order to check up on me.

I think you were totally justified for you reaction, especially since she didn't ask permission.

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"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Atropos4

Honestly it sounds like she was joking around. But you flipping made her wonder why you would. If she were going to be truly sneaky she would have looked through your phone while you were sleeping or showering. Doing it purposely in front of you and making a face just seems like a joke.

I wouldn't want someone just grabbing my phone either and I'd be irritated. It's your property.

*oh and you can gaurantee that now as soon as you leave your phone unattended she will be looking through it. You peaked her curiosity.

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World's King

It took my girlfriend a long time to figure out that my computer and my phone are not open for her to go through.


It was a lot of arguments.


Now everything is password protected.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Tamerlain

I agree with what most everyone has said - you're justified because everyone has their private things.

I'm the same way as a lot of people here. I have nothing to hide, but I don't like people going through my stuff. My girlfriend is the opposite. She readily gives me her PIN to get money out for her if I'm running to the bank, she gave me her e-mail password because she wanted me to check something - both things I would never do. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that I don't feel comfortable sharing my PIN or passwords.

I don't think you'll really have a problem as long as you explain your reasoning to her without coming off like you don't trust her. My girlfriend understands that me not being comfortable giving her my PIN has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. If you can get her to understand that, you should be fine.

-Tamerlain

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I never let school interfere with my education.

cadre

Okay I'm gonna be the dissenter here. I use my boyfriend's computer and he uses mine when he needs to. Now by use I do not mean go through conversations and all that because ..I honestly don't think I've ever had the urge to do that and he has no reason to either. Even if he did though, I don't think I'd care.

We've been together for a while so maybe that has something to do with it but I am not bothered by him picking up my phone and looking at it or anything. We have a shared cell phone plan also and he knows who I call because he gets the bill. That doesn't bother me either.

Everyone's different though, if it bothers you tell her but do it in as nice a way as you can because flipping out will not make help her to trust you.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

m0rpheus

My GF grabbing my cell doesnt bother me at all, but it pissed me off something fierce the first time she went into my wallet. At first she thought it was because I had something to hide but now we've talked about it and she understands that my wallet is my personal space, which for you is your cell. Talk to her and explain that it isnt a trust thing and its just that certain things are "your" space and while you are okay showing her your cell, her just grabbing it invaded that space and made you uncomfortable.

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"it never got weird enough for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

Deltona Couple

Hell I won't even touch my wifes purse or wallet, even if she says to get something out. If she asks me to get something out for her, I just bring her the whole dang purse! My wallet and laptop are my personal space, and she doesn't go into either one, and I don't touch hers. It's more a respect for personal space ya know?

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calibrich

Im pretty much screwed now with the way I reacted. She already had trust issues with guys and I thought I was finally making headway for her trusting me. I think I just threw all that out the window even when I explained my reasoning

LoganSnake

Exactly the same way with me. I feel extremely uncomfortable going through my gf's purse if she asks me to get something out. Most time I just bring it to her. It irks me when people use my computer as well. Again, I don't have anything to hide and my gf knows I have porn and whatnot, but I just don't feel comfortable with people using it without my supervision. Same with my wallet and cell phone, as well as info such as passwords. No matter how much I trust the person.

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ShaniFaye

tell her to read this thread so she will understand you're not the only one that is like that.

I dont touch Dave's phone even to get a phone number off it lol I have him text it to me. He in turn is like another poster, if I need something out of my purse he brings me the entire thing

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Manic_Skafe

You are screwed and this situation is your fault but for different reasons than I think you realize - if you're willing enough to accept your lovers lack of trust towards you for actions that don't stem directly from your actions then your self-esteem is doomed along with your relationship.

I highly doubt that there's anyway in which you could've reacted that would've brought about a different result. Unless you've cheated on her before, you deserve better than this and if you two aren't willing enough to give each other the sort of trust and respect that any healthy relationship requires then you might as well end it now.

Trust.

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cadre

Well, in hindsight if you had not flipped out that probably would have helped but it's too late now. One of the biggest things that helps Joe and I is to try to remain calm when something gets to you, SOs don't respond well to yelling and such in my experience so just try not to do it again. (easier said than done, I know)

Other than that, explain to her as simply (and as calmly) as you can and if that fails have her read this thread. I agree with Shani there, you are not the only one who feels that way and maybe she just doesn't realize it.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

Jinn

Didn't even think of this, but so true.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Daemon1313

I'm a big believer in having personal space in a relationship, just got to make sure it goes both ways.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

james t kirk

Women are natural born snoops.

They just can't help themselves. They NEED to know. Men just don't have time to bother.

Bossnass

Personal space and personal time is all well and good, but I'm pretty surprised by most responses to this thread. I'm married, but we were pretty open long before that.

Wallets/purses/cellphones are open game. Sometimes her cellphone is dead so she takes mine. Sometimes I need cash so I raid her purse. We share both computers, including one instance of outlook express (with different inboxes and folders to keep things organized, but no passwords). And speaking of passwords, unless it is something that changes like bank accounts, they are usually a variation on the same one. I'm pretty sure her current webmail account password is my current tfp password.

ItWasMe

Was she that interested in your numbers? Going to take a photo of you? Going to add her number? Did you ask her?

I'm a private person, so I understand. Well, private when I'm not posting on this website anyway!! I hate people going through my purse. And I think Hubby is afraid he'll get bitten by a 'female thing' if he sticks his hand in there.

Hubby and I switched cell phones before he was sent overseas last spring. He had alot more important numbers than I did, and didn't want to lose them. If he's going to lose/damage one overseas, I think he'd rather lose/damage mine. Hmmm....that didn't sound good...

cadre

This is basically how Joe and I are as well, I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

Sultana

Girls maybe, not women.

Women have better things to do.

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Charlatan

I have my computer password protected and I expect her to have hers protected as well. Even when we used the same computer, we had our profiles password protected.

Like others, I don't go into her purse and get uncomfortable if she goes into my wallet.

My space is my space and vice versa. Mutual respect and trust (to not snoop).

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- Old Man Luedecke

Toaster126

Hahaha. I'm happy to hear I'm not a freak, lol. This is another one of those issues where both the guilty something to hide people and the personal space crusaders have the same reaction.

You shouldn't feel bad about being uncomfortable with that sort of thing. You should feel bad about flipping out on her instead of communicating... and she has trust issues, lol.

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hagatha

I have a very weird relationship with my best friend, with whom I share my home--she knows all my passwords, I know hers, we go into one anothers' accounts, she checks my phone when I'm away and vice versa, she gave me her cell phone with all her contacts still in it.....maybe its because we're not fucking that nothing is that private.

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

abaya

Thank you, Sultana. I was just about to respond with a big ol' STFU, but you said it in a much more civilized manner.

I watched my incredibly insecure mother go through my stepdad's wallet on a regular basis, as a child. I thought it was the most invasive thing you could do to a person. My mother also snuck around to read my private journals as a child, a fact which pissed me off more than you can imagine. I could not understand her total and complete breaches of my privacy.

In my marriage, my husband and I respect each other's privacy to the hilt. We have no need to "inspect" each other's cell phones and computers... wtf??? I keep a private journal that I store on the nightstand by the bed. It's in plain sight. He could read it anytime he wants. He never does. I don't go looking through his e-mails. I never look at his phone unless my battery is dead. I just don't see any reason for being that snoopy about your partner's life, unless you are afraid they are involved in something illegal or dangerous to their or someone else's health. If you're just insecure and have a need to "know" something? Well, get the fuck into therapy and LEARN HOW TO TRUST. If your partner is doing something behind your back, you're gonna find out in one way or another. Better to find out while you're on the moral high ground of not having invaded his or her privacy while doing it.

That's all I have to say about that.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ngdawg

And something that's always done when a person has 'trust issues'-they seek out a reason not to trust, effectively sabotaging their relationships. Then they fulfill their dire predictions for a doomed relationship: "He wouldn't share with me".

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Bossnass

I think this can be looked at in different perspectives. My previous post noted that my wife and I are very open with our phones etc. That isn't related to a lack privacy or respect or trust, just a lack of arbitrary protection in place. Just not needed, nothing to hide. We are separate people, but the trust is implicit.

More convenient too; earlier this week I forgot a phone number that had been emailed to me, so I phoned home and got her to check my email account, find that email and number. Not to mention that I don't have to enter passwords all the time.

Yakk

Sit down with your cell phone and her.

Ask her "what part where you curious about?" Then show her that part, with you running it. When she asks for another part, say "Just one more part, ok?"

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

katyg

Personally I feel that in a proper, adult relationship people shouldn't have anything to hide, why should you be uncomfortable with someone using your computer (maybe even seeing your porn?) if they are meant to be sharing your life with you?

Things should be completely open, that's how trust is earnt.

Kristina07

The beginning of this month I went to visit an out of town friend that was a bit more than a friend but bc of the distance not a relationship. The day I got there he went through my phone. I already deleted my texts bc he gets jealous of other guys. Throughout the week I was there he was always looking when I got a text or phone call to see who it was. It bothered me but I dealt with it. He used my laptop while I was there which was fine until he started going through all of my files and all of my emails. That just pissed me off. So he gets mad when I take my computer and says Oh you got something to hide? No dipshit, its just you are getting to nosey. He was mad but my things are my things - I dont like when people snoop, through your phone, mail, computer, wallet/purse - it is rude. To me they want to find something which is why they are looking.

abaya

Exactly... this is how it is for us, too. We don't password-protect things, I don't hide my journal under the bed or something, we don't get all antsy about using each other's laptops... simply because it doesn't matter. We don't have anything to hide from each other (unless we are trying to surprise the other person with something nice, which is an entirely different issue!).

As Bossnass said, if I need him to check my e-mail when I am away from my desk and he's near a computer, for example, he does it without thinking. We know each other's passwords, but we never use them unless the other person asks us to (or we ask permission first). To use that kind of knowledge "against" each other would be extremely destructive to the relationship.

We just don't have any need to "snoop;" if one of us started doing that, we would talk to the other about it pronto and find out where the insecurity was coming from. But that hasn't happened yet. The trust is implicit and is an integral part of our relationship, as Bossnass said. I can't imagine a relationship working in any other way, but that's just me.

Damn, this issue rubs me the wrong way. I just would not tolerate any kind of breaches of trust like this... not even a hint of it. I saw how it destroyed my parents' relationship and I will not carry that into my marriage.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ShaniFaye

Abaya and her hubby and just like Dave and I, especially the surprise stuff lol We only have one bank account and as most people know, you cant have two paypal accounts with the same bank account, so when its surprise time I have to log in to his email to foward and delete the paypal notification or else he knows exactly what I've found him on ebay before Im ready for him too. W

We know the passwords for everything each of us has passwords for, this is done for two reasons. 1. if anything should happen to either of us we can access anything we might need to (example if I got hit by a truck and he needed to make our online payments, handle the checking acct, get to the email address book to let people know etc) 2. When dave is out of the country somewhere without internet and needs me to access something for him I can. The difference is...we dont take advantage of it. I dont go around reading his emails etc unless he ASKS me to.

IF he needed to use/access my phone he would be more than capable, yes there have been one or two times we've had to do it on both sides out of necessity. We both have people that send us porn pics of themselves and if we want to share we forward them to each other, I dont need to login to his account and check up on him. I trust him 100% and he does me as well.

Anyone who knows us, knows we are about as open as two people can be, we were just both brought up to respect another persons privacy, and know without a doubt if there is something to share....it will be done...no ifs, ands or buts about it.

The main difference here than the OP? We have been together almost 4 years, not 2 months and we are married. I would NEVER dream of being with someone two months and go through their stuff. But as Sultana pointed out...WOMEN dont need to do that, thats part of what being a grown up is about

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

james t kirk

I guess I always seem to date mid-30's girls then.

I've never known any of my GF's not to snoop. The last GF went through my closet while I was downstairs and found all my bondage gear

Even though I never raised the topic with her (waiting for her, or could have let it slide) she certainly tore me a new one when we broke up using it as a major piece of ammo (You're a sexual deviant, etc.)

Plaid13

Hum i dont think her looking at your phone should be a problem at all. I personaly think you over reacted. But... i let my friends look through my phone and my computer and my wallet i just dont care. Asking her not to look at that stuff would be fine but getting mad at her for doing it before you told her not to is overreacting. If you really dont have anything to hide... why care if she looks at it? Now if she starts calling people from the caller id in your phone thats diffrent. But shes your girlfriend this is someone you should trust with pretty much everything. its just a phone. This is the person your supposed to share all your most personal and private things with... i mean think of sex... if your not comfortable with them in your phone but you are with them in your pants... i think maybe things are a bit backwards.

abaya

Then clearly you're dating the wrong kind of girls, no matter what their ages are.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Janie

I have been trusting enough of my SO to leave my personal belongings out and about, and without fail, he goes through it every time. Then he gets pissed off at me when I'm venting in my journal. This has happened so often now that it comes down to how sneaky can I be, where can I hide it, so that he doesn't catch me venting, doesn't get mad at me, and then we have no problems.

So, trust works both ways. No, you're not wrong to want to keep something private. Just try to find a rational way to communicate this to her. If she can't accept that, well, it's up to you to decide if this is something you can compromise on, if you're willing to work on it, or if it's a deal buster.

Also, two months isn't exactly a ridiculous amount of time in which to learn to trust one another, which explains why you freaked out instead of rationally explaining your point of view, and maybe also why she went through your phone.

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mandy

Seriously, i really don't get what the big deal is with going through your SO's wallet, or computer, or whatever else...

healer lets me play with his phone all the time...and i let him play with my phone all the time. if i need to get something out of my bag and i'm not close to it, and he is, i'll ask him to get it for me ...and he won't bring me the whole thing, he'll bring me the exact thing that i asked for.

if he needs something out of his wallet that he can't reach...he'll ask me to get it and again, i'll just get the thing that he asked for.

fine, i get what everyone else is saying...but personally, to me, it's about trusting your SO and especially yourself, so that you are able to let them do that and so that they are able to think they can without being worried that you'll flip your lid.

seriously...

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LoganSnake

It's not about lack of trust at all. It's about having something that's just yours. It's about respect. My behavior extends to my parents and friends as well. I don't go through their belongings and they don't go through mine even though we trust each other completely. I don't understand why this is a hard idea to grasp.

Seriously...

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques