Ex-Christian boyfriend won't have sex with me - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Carno · 04-16-2007, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser

And, you know, I can't help but shake the feeling that some of you guys (And gals) responses would be different if this were a guy talking about his girlfriend not being ready to have sex.

Absolutely it would be different. If the genders were reversed, everyone would be bitching to the guy about respecting her wishes and not pressuring her to have sex with him.

pig · 04-16-2007, 04:23 PM

mine wouldn't be. it would be the exact same thing. if you can't deal with their shit, then move on. sex is natural, sex is good. not everybody does it, but everybody should. sex is natural sex is fun, the next line of this is probably debateable.

Seaver · 04-16-2007, 04:23 PM

Quote:

First off you people would NOT have the same opinion if this were a woman who was not ready for sex.

Way ahead of yall.

Carno · 04-16-2007, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seaver

Way ahead of yall.

Indeed

pig · 04-16-2007, 04:39 PM

hey, actually which posts? i just flipped through them really quickly, and i don't really see any posts that i think would be substantially difference if the genders were reversed. not with the people on this board, that is.

skier · 04-16-2007, 06:29 PM

my post would be exactly the same. I recently went through this with my ex-fundamentalist lutheran girlfriend- while there is more going on in this thread than a belief change (which i didn't really realize before but ratbastid brought up a good point) it's still a very similar situation.

Sex is just an activity. The interpretation is completely subjective to the person. It can be a conduit to share your feelings with another in an intimate way, a totally personal release, a momentary diversion, or a guilty pleasure.

For my girl the whole religious doctrine of sex = sin, danger/bad/evil/scary gave her a lot of fear about it and when it came down to it she didn't want premarital sex because then she could put it off to the last minute and "get it over with". When you relate sex to the same level as pulling off a bandaid, there may be a completely different level or barrier of communication between you and your boyfriend aphrodite.

Not too mention on top of that he's been personally told that he sucks at sex, multiple times.

He doesn't mind recieving pleasure though, to the point of overcoming his fear/rationalizations. If you show him that it can be rewarding or pleasurable to go farther than just a blowjob it may help?

PredeconInferno · 04-16-2007, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

Yep, real simple. Too bad the dude seems to have no problem receiving oral sex... hmm, guess those blow jobs aren't too immoral for him, compared to everything else.

But giving oral sex to his gf, or putting his penis inside her, or doing anything that would make his gf physically happy... well shit, that's his inalienable right to withhold that kind of affection, because that's downright immoral! Shame on the girl for asking him to do such immoral things.

I completely agree with this assessment. I also happen to agree with Infinite-Loser. It's completely irresponsible of him (relationship wise) to be willing to accept oral sex, but be unwilling to perform the same. It's one thing if he's not ready for sex, but something completely different if he's not willing to reciprocate what is IS ready to do.

I understand my previous statements may have seemed like attacks - they werent... at least not totally. Some people simply said "move on" and I'm pointing out this isn't helpful. The guy has known you for ONLY 4 months... maybe he's not sure if he's ready to make that intimate a connection with you. Lord knows that I think sexuality is a VERY important part of a successful relationship - but only if both parties are ready for it. Waiting until the time is right for both of you is the honorable thing to do. Leaving him because he isn't ready to fuck you after four months? That sounds like a pretty flimsy excuse to me.

My thoughts on this are that if he's not ready, no amount of talking to him is going to help. I feel that you should let him know that YOU feel the two of you are ready, and that you're eager to share that experience. Telling him that he's wrong (not saying you will) won't help, it'll probably make it worse.

In the respec department, I can't agree more with what Infinite-Loser has said.

Seriously, I wish you the best here - and I hope he's lucky enough to mount you.

Seaver · 04-16-2007, 11:13 PM

Quote:

hey, actually which posts? i just flipped through them really quickly, and i don't really see any posts that i think would be substantially difference if the genders were reversed. not with the people on this board, that is.

Look for the my first post on this thread.

Deltona Couple · 04-17-2007, 03:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SEAVER

First off you people would NOT have the same opinion if this were a woman who was not ready for sex.

That alone is the worst part about this thread in my opinion.

He's not ready, he said he's not ready and you pressure him like a horny teenager trying to feel his first boob.

That being said, don't ever let him get away with calling you sexually dysfunctional. You're not, sex is awsome and is pivitol in relationships.

I think Abya takes the cake in this thread. Yes, sex is extremely important. Yes, you are acting like an out of control teenage boy putting the pressure on this guy who has issues. Yes, he needs some sort of counceling, if he refuses it will cause the end of the relationship later on.

To be honest, I take extreme offense to that statement. In my opinion, if a guy was performing oral on a girl, and she refused to reciprocate, saying it was too intimate, and she didn't want to, but still let him do it to her, I would STILL say the same thing.... SHE in this case, wouldnt be ready for a relationship.

ANYTIME someone in a relationship allows ANY activity, but won't return it, is not ready for a relationship at all.

So to lump everyone into such a blanket statement is rude.

pig · 04-17-2007, 07:19 AM

hold on, perhaps i'm not understanding seaver: are you saying that your first post would have been different. there's no way that i can think that's your intention, but in direct response to my question that would seem to be the implication. i mean, which posts do you think would be different. as deltona followed up with, i really don't see that being the case given the prevailing notion on the boards that females like to fuck too.

edit: your/you're fuck up

Aphrodite83 · 04-17-2007, 07:32 AM

Well, the debate is over. He told me last night that he isn't ready to settle down or get married anytime soon. He said he would be fine with waiting to get married until he's in his 40s. He told me the exact same thing only 1 month into our relationship, but I chose not to listen to it. I chose to think that he'd realize how awesome and great I am, and would change his mind... just like in the movies.

So now that something long-term is out of the question, the sex issue is off the table because I don't want to "add to my number" if I know there's no possible future with someone.

Thank you to everyone for all of your advice. I showed a lot of it to my boyfriend last night, so I think it may help him in the future. A lot of you made some really good points that he had never considered.

You guys can keep contributing to this thread if you want, but I'm not sure how often I'll be checking it out since it's no longer relevant. But we'll see... it's interesting to hear everyone's perspectives.

Thanks again!

bendsley · 04-17-2007, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willravel

I'm a recent atheist, and I shag all the time. It's a fringe benefit.

Here here. That statement had me rolling.

tecoyah · 04-18-2007, 04:10 AM

Quite possible, Men and women are definately looked at differently in a sexual context,but then, we arent dealing with a frigid woman. Most of the reaction/replyto the request for feedback points to an issue with the male in question, as it seems pretty clear he is the problem in this relationship. I suppose we could all gang up on her, and call her a Nympho, tell her to rent a man for the night, and then hope her partner decides Boobies are not the Evil fruit of Satan.

Or....we could just continue to give honest feedback.

JustJess · 04-18-2007, 04:30 AM

But... boobies ARE the evil fruit of Satan... weren't they the proverbial apple? Don't they cause all kinds of sin in the world? No? Hm.

/end pointless threadjack.

pig · 04-18-2007, 04:50 AM

at least it sounds like everything worked out cordially, and its always nice to be able to leave knowing that it just wasn't going to work out. you have different goals and different expectations. no offense, but i sort of found that concern about "raising your number" to be kind of interesting...i'd almost say "cute" if i didn't think that might offensive. its all about experience; just remember to be safe.

and jess, if we're making anatomical allusions on adam and eve, i would have thought of somewhere a little juicier, although i guess its all part and parcel.

tecoyah · 04-18-2007, 04:54 AM

wait....Boobies ARE....Evil?

More and more, this hell place is lookin' like prime real estate.

/extend threadjack

Aphrodite83 · 04-18-2007, 06:54 PM

Actually, he's incredibly obsessed with breasts. He said breasts made him extremely nervous back in his past Christian life, to the point where he thought that if he was caught staring at them, that the girl would instantly hate him and that God would immediately exact vengeance upon him. So now that he's "over" that, he spends half his time staring at them. I won't even go into anymore detail because it's embarrassing how fucked up his obsession/addiction with them is....

pig · 04-18-2007, 06:59 PM

well, if it helps at all, i sort of like them too.

They're GRREEAAAT!!!!

Jetée · 04-18-2007, 08:21 PM

/What's with all the tigers all of a sudden?/

The problem not only lies with your boyfriend, nor does it lie solely on you, either. It is the relationship between the both of you and how one and/or both of your views on sex/intercourse are skewed.

What I can offer is that your boyfriend is most likely sexually-repressed due to his strict Christian upbringing, and subsequent metamorphosis from it all. It matters not if he says he left his fromer Christian teachings behind and you believe it to be so, but I am willing to bet there is still a significant amount of those ideals ingrained within him. The solution to it all may take longer than you are willing to accept, because those that suffer from sexual-repression do not have rational awareness that they have such a problem. It is only after much time, experience, and sometimes blunt confrontation of their issue, when they finally become conscious of it all. My advice is take it steady, while easily bringing attention to his apparent love of cleavage/breasts and the fact that he feels guilty in engaging in any type of sexual play. Hopefully you will realize that he is in a transitional stage in his life, and compulsively ushering him forth into the world of 'sex' that he was long-taught to be depraved/evil may not be the best course of action.

04-16-2007, 04:23 PM	#42 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	mine wouldn't be. it would be the exact same thing. if you can't deal with their shit, then move on. sex is natural, sex is good. not everybody does it, but everybody should. sex is natural sex is fun, the next line of this is probably debateable. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

04-16-2007, 04:39 PM	#45 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	hey, actually which posts? i just flipped through them really quickly, and i don't really see any posts that i think would be substantially difference if the genders were reversed. not with the people on this board, that is. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

04-16-2007, 06:29 PM	#46 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	my post would be exactly the same. I recently went through this with my ex-fundamentalist lutheran girlfriend- while there is more going on in this thread than a belief change (which i didn't really realize before but ratbastid brought up a good point) it's still a very similar situation. Sex is just an activity. The interpretation is completely subjective to the person. It can be a conduit to share your feelings with another in an intimate way, a totally personal release, a momentary diversion, or a guilty pleasure. For my girl the whole religious doctrine of sex = sin, danger/bad/evil/scary gave her a lot of fear about it and when it came down to it she didn't want premarital sex because then she could put it off to the last minute and "get it over with". When you relate sex to the same level as pulling off a bandaid, there may be a completely different level or barrier of communication between you and your boyfriend aphrodite. Not too mention on top of that he's been personally told that he sucks at sex, multiple times. He doesn't mind recieving pleasure though, to the point of overcoming his fear/rationalizations. If you show him that it can be rewarding or pleasurable to go farther than just a blowjob it may help? __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

04-17-2007, 07:19 AM	#50 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	hold on, perhaps i'm not understanding seaver: are you saying that your first post would have been different. there's no way that i can think that's your intention, but in direct response to my question that would seem to be the implication. i mean, which posts do you think would be different. as deltona followed up with, i really don't see that being the case given the prevailing notion on the boards that females like to fuck too. edit: your/you're fuck up __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style Last edited by pig; 04-18-2007 at 04:42 AM..

04-18-2007, 04:30 AM	#54 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	But... boobies ARE the evil fruit of Satan... weren't they the proverbial apple? Don't they cause all kinds of sin in the world? No? Hm. /end pointless threadjack. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

04-17-2007, 07:32 AM	#51 (permalink)
Aphrodite83 Upright Location: Michigan	Well, the debate is over. He told me last night that he isn't ready to settle down or get married anytime soon. He said he would be fine with waiting to get married until he's in his 40s. He told me the exact same thing only 1 month into our relationship, but I chose not to listen to it. I chose to think that he'd realize how awesome and great I am, and would change his mind... just like in the movies. So now that something long-term is out of the question, the sex issue is off the table because I don't want to "add to my number" if I know there's no possible future with someone. Thank you to everyone for all of your advice. I showed a lot of it to my boyfriend last night, so I think it may help him in the future. A lot of you made some really good points that he had never considered. You guys can keep contributing to this thread if you want, but I'm not sure how often I'll be checking it out since it's no longer relevant. But we'll see... it's interesting to hear everyone's perspectives. Thanks again!

04-18-2007, 04:10 AM	#53 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Quite possible, Men and women are definately looked at differently in a sexual context,but then, we arent dealing with a frigid woman. Most of the reaction/replyto the request for feedback points to an issue with the male in question, as it seems pretty clear he is the problem in this relationship. I suppose we could all gang up on her, and call her a Nympho, tell her to rent a man for the night, and then hope her partner decides Boobies are not the Evil fruit of Satan. Or....we could just continue to give honest feedback.

04-18-2007, 04:50 AM	#55 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	at least it sounds like everything worked out cordially, and its always nice to be able to leave knowing that it just wasn't going to work out. you have different goals and different expectations. no offense, but i sort of found that concern about "raising your number" to be kind of interesting...i'd almost say "cute" if i didn't think that might offensive. its all about experience; just remember to be safe. and jess, if we're making anatomical allusions on adam and eve, i would have thought of somewhere a little juicier, although i guess its all part and parcel. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

04-18-2007, 04:54 AM	#56 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	wait....Boobies ARE....Evil? More and more, this hell place is lookin' like prime real estate. /extend threadjack

04-18-2007, 06:54 PM	#57 (permalink)
Aphrodite83 Upright Location: Michigan	Actually, he's incredibly obsessed with breasts. He said breasts made him extremely nervous back in his past Christian life, to the point where he thought that if he was caught staring at them, that the girl would instantly hate him and that God would immediately exact vengeance upon him. So now that he's "over" that, he spends half his time staring at them. I won't even go into anymore detail because it's embarrassing how fucked up his obsession/addiction with them is....

04-18-2007, 06:59 PM	#58 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	well, if it helps at all, i sort of like them too. They're GRREEAAAT!!!! __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

04-18-2007, 08:21 PM	#59 (permalink)
Jetée The Reforms Location: Rarely, if ever, here or there, but always in transition	/What's with all the tigers all of a sudden?/ The problem not only lies with your boyfriend, nor does it lie solely on you, either. It is the relationship between the both of you and how one and/or both of your views on sex/intercourse are skewed. What I can offer is that your boyfriend is most likely sexually-repressed due to his strict Christian upbringing, and subsequent metamorphosis from it all. It matters not if he says he left his fromer Christian teachings behind and you believe it to be so, but I am willing to bet there is still a significant amount of those ideals ingrained within him. The solution to it all may take longer than you are willing to accept, because those that suffer from sexual-repression do not have rational awareness that they have such a problem. It is only after much time, experience, and sometimes blunt confrontation of their issue, when they finally become conscious of it all. My advice is take it steady, while easily bringing attention to his apparent love of cleavage/breasts and the fact that he feels guilty in engaging in any type of sexual play. Hopefully you will realize that he is in a transitional stage in his life, and compulsively ushering him forth into the world of 'sex' that he was long-taught to be depraved/evil may not be the best course of action. __________________ As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves. —Mohandas K. Gandhi Last edited by Jetée; 04-18-2007 at 10:58 PM.. Reason: Damn spelling.