problems in an open relationship.
 

Hey. So my fiance and I are LD and have a 'soft' open relationship. (No sex, just fooling around.) Anyways, I've been fooling around with this other guy, who knows about the bf, and knows about the no sex thing. Anyways, he's been really weird lately, acting like we are dating or something. We are both philosophy majors at the same university, so we have had a lot of discussions about sex and the like. I don't have any sort of affiliations of sex and love. He said that neither does he but he has to be intellectually aroused by someone to be physically so. I don't know. I won't be fooling around with him anymore - because I don't think he can handle it and I don't like messing with ppl's minds.

I guess I wanted some insight into why he would be acting this way, when he knows that there is no chance of us dating?
Thanks.

Knowing and believing are two different things. Happens all the time.

Here's the key to a dude's head:

Does he agree with your restrictive terms?
If yes: He considers this his foot in the door and is biding his time until your guard is down so he can get his dick in the door too.

That's all you need to know.

Fixed. This guy thinks that you like him more than you do your boyfriend, because that's the only reason a woman would fool around with a guy (in his mind). Drop him and find a guy who only wants to mess around if that's what you want, because this guy is planning to try to steal you away.

Don't act all high and mighty. It's every dude's head. Until you cease being a dude.

what does "fooling around" mean? kissing? holding hands? yeah, no guy older than about 16 is going to be content with that. i think that you're sort of halfway in the "open relationship" wing, and half way out. think about the signs you're throwing this guy, and what he's going to think. not too tough to work out.

he
wants
to
fuck
you.

like most guys would, given the circumstances. i think you'll have a hard time finding a "well-adjusted" guy who is happy swapping slobber with no happy ending.

The relationship is not truly open, only slightly ajar. It strikes me as akin to smoking a cigarette while snorting petrol fumes from a coffee cup. A buzz not for everyone and scarcely worth the risk of the worst-case-scenario. I get the feeling that you have some more browsing to do in the male sexuality section of the Human Library before you settle in for the long haul with your current volume...

Uh-huh, some of us are happy with a bj. I prefer not to bite the hand which feeds me, or in this instance I guess it'd be pissing off the head that sucks me.

dude status revoked

What a horribly ignorant post. Just because you may think that way doesn't mean we all do.

really? that's the whole premise of When Harry Met Sally

It takes a great degree of honesty (both to yourself and to others) and communication to make an open relationship work. It seems as though he is not being honest with you (and probably not even with himself) regarding what he wants out of this.

I strongly disagree with the sentiment that a relationship which has limitations (such as no sex) is "not truly open." That said, I think Halx is basically right when he implies a guy will always be interested in sex. The fact all men will naturally want the sex says nothing of their ability to handle the situation as it is laid out. There are many different types of open relationships out there, and a lot of them do have restrictions such as "no sex." This can work when all parties involved openly communicate and act with maturity and self-control, and, of course, when they are honest with themselves and others.

I think it has alot to do with how things are presented, and interpreted. As an example, when I read the thread title, I assumed you were a swinging couple, and there was a problem. Then after reading the OP, I was first curious as to the extent of "no sex" in an "open" relationship. Is this absolutely no type of sexual interaction? or is this "no intercourse sex" meaning kissing, touching, oral? or whatever is ok? To make a SOUND judgment call here I think we should have a little more information here. It may be that he has developed feelings for you that are deeper than originally thought. We can't judge against him for that. Nature is a funny thing, and if there is any messing around going on, many guys can EASILY develop feelings that are deeper than a "friend with benifits" type of thing. Cierah, can you please elaborate a little more? I would hate to offer my opinion without more information. As most people on here know, I have been in open and closed relationships my whole life, so I feel that I can offer some good advice, but I need more info first.

Well said SecretMethod70.

Honesty most important!

Spot On.....take this post seriously, he speaks truth

I'm a little confused by what she means about "fooling around." Does it speak ill of me to also suggest, if by "fooling around" she's talking about making out, etc., that maybe this guy is just sexually frustrated and doesn't so much want to date her as to fuck her because they've been "fooling around" and with adults that tends to lead to other things?

Maybe today it's different, but by the time I was college age, I had no interest in having a relationship with a man in which I was just "fooling around." Either you want to be strictly friends or you want to have an adult intimate relationship. "Fooling around" is what teenagers do because they are afraid to or don't want to do anything else because it is thought to be a no-no.

true that! why fool around if theres no possibility of sex? he knows he might get it sometime or he wouldn't waste his time.

I might be way of track here, but have you tought about that he might actually is in love with you? Seems to me that you're already messing with his mind.

Not everyone can separate love and sex. Not everyone wants to.

Bear in mind, Ms. Philosophy Major, the vast capacity for self-deception that we human beings all have.

Are you refering to HER being deceptive? I am just asking this because evidently she has told him that there is NO room for romance or sex beyond what is going on....lol

I always have a problem with post like this... If you have a serious concern about your relationship then you should be responding to your own thread. Cause if you don't it's all of us yelling at a wall.


So I have advice for you but only if you respond.

No, I'm talking about self-deception. I suspect that our friendly neighborhood cuddle-partner has been kidding himself (and as a result, her) about his ability or willingness to keep it purely physical.

Hey - Thanks for all the replies, guys,
Just to clarifty (sorry I didn't in the OP), 'no sex' means no acutal intercourse, but pretty much everything else.
In response to ratbastid - I realize that I may be in an existental lie my saying that I can seperate love from sex, but I hightly doubt it.
He's already tried to 'slip it in when I wasn't looking' so I'm aware of his desire for actual sex, but I reiterated the rules and I think he's okay with that. I hightly doubt the idea that he's in love with me - but I really have no basis for that doubt.
"It strikes me as akin to smoking a cigarette while snorting petrol fumes from a coffee cup. A buzz not for everyone and scarcely worth the risk of the worst-case-scenario. I get the feeling that you have some more browsing to do in the male sexuality section of the Human Library before you settle in for the long haul with your current volume"
I just gotta say that made me laugh a lot! Thanks, Sapien Rising!

I suppose the real reason there is a problem in my 'relationship' with him, is that I avoided the whole 'lets have a talk about where this is going' thing. I'm not in a relationship with him and therefore don't want to have relationship talks with him. I have a hard enough time having real conversations with the fiance. I explained the rules to him and told him not to get emotionally involved because I love the bf. But we have to have another talk, in order to either keep fooling around or to go back to being friends.

Thanks guys.

No, he knew the rules when he tried to slip it in. He'll try it again, because he really just wants to be inside you. Either you drop this guy or the shit WILL hit the fan.

Ba ha ha ha....

"Intellectually aroused" Now there's a classic line. Either he's not normal, or he's bullshitting you. A guy will tap just about any ass if he can.

Dude status returned.

Well, having read all this, if I was the other guy, I'd probably be thinking that this was a pretty good deal. I could live with having an everything but sex arrangement with no committment with the understanding that that would be all that I would get.

That said, I might "try to slip it in" from time to time also, because who knows, she might change her tune at some point in time and it never hurts to try.

Dude, just because you are that way don't paint every guy with your brush. I can't stand a stupid girl, no matter how pretty she is.

Polyamory
 

Just a suggestion -
Listen to: http://polyweekly.libsyn.com/

You need terms to describe both your limits and your reasons for having what you're currently calling an 'open relationship' - at least, I find it helps.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collective_effervescence
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion
are among my favourites :) I don't know what I'd do without them.

See, that's what I thought. If you follow the rules, you'll get some with no mess, no fuss. Simple, right? Really, this is not supposed to get complicated, it should be a friends thing when we are hanging out and a sexual thing when fooling around. No lines being crossed.
On another note, I don't understand 'trying to slip it in' because if he does again - poof - like magic the whole arrangement disappears. Why push your luck?
It appears this problem has fixed itself, at least until September, because he's out of town, and will be until fall (as will I). So, on to new conquests! lol.

I'm going to be blunt here. If you don't consider your "everything else but sex" situation a relationship, and don't plan to/want to have "relationship talks" with this guy, then you're not approaching this from the right direction at all.

Strong communication is absolutely necessary if you want to be having open relationships like this. That not only means strong communication between you and your fiance, but also between you and the other guy(s) you're involved with. Both relationships sounds like they could use better communication, and your current situation is just one of the many reasons that open and honest communication is important.

pamplemousse made an excellent recommendation that you listen to some of the Polyamory Weekly podcasts. You'll find that most people who are involved in polyamory with any sort of stability have absolutely impeccable communication in their primary relationship, and nearly as good, if not as good, communication in their other relationships.

Sure, what you're looking for is more about swinging than polyamory (I draw the distinction that the former is all about the sex, whereas the latter is not), but the need for extremely open and honest communication is the same in either circumstance if you're going to have a regular swinging partner. Especially especially if that person was, is, or will also be a friend.

If I were to make any sort of concrete recommendation, it would be that you take a break from having an open relationship and focus on improving the relationship with your fiance so that you no longer "have a hard enough time having real conversations with [him]."

Thanx. I was just wanting to be sure what you meant!

Some of you know a whole lot less about men than you think. Lol.

I don't think it's your problem if you are honest and clear about what the expectations are.