Afraid I'm hurting my new wife!
 

We've only been married about 5months, we dated for 8months. There was no sex while we dated cuz that was her conviction, to wait till marriage. To say it was hard was an UNDERSTATEMENT!!

Fast forward to our wedding night, I was all excited and ready to get some but she said she was too tired. I pouted a little bit but just said ok, it's been a long day, what's one more night, right?

So the following day we are kissing, and I ask if she's ready and she gave me a reluctant yes. She just didn't seem into it but I didn't care as it had been almost a yr since I had gotten laid.

Of course since it had been while for her, things didn't seem 'to fit' so we had to go extra slow. Certain times it seemed like she was trying to push me off of her,I asked if she was ok, and she responded that she was fine. So when we finish she turns over and starts to cry. I'm thinking GREAT what now. She revealed to me that she was raped a yr before she met me, and didn't want to tell me. She thought she could push it aside and it would all go away, but obviously having sex brought back memories. All this time I'm thinking she was 'saving' herself or something or trying to 're-virginize' herself, but in truth she was just too traumatised to have sex with me.

Since then we've only had it bout twice month(3times if I'm lucky), she never initiates, it's always me, but I alwys feel like a jerk afterwards becus I can tell she's not into it.

In a way I'm mad. I feel like she should have been honest from the get go. We are newlyweds and can't even enjoy our sex life. Maybe my expectations were set to high, but after going without, and thinking I'd get it just bout every night after marriage, well it's a big let down!

Noooo, she absolutely should have told you about this, that's rediculous. I'd get both of you into counseling before the end of the day.

Go!

Get thee to a professional. Post haste.

edit: professional therapist. not the other kind of professional.

Oh, man! They're right, there's no reason to be confuzed.

If you love her, you're not hurting her, and IF you go to a "professional", be sure it's not a pervert.

She was raped, you don't get to be angry with her. tell her you understand and they you want to help her through it. Go get professional counseling, it's going to be difficult, but you 2 can make it.

good luck, and keep us posted.

It's perfectly acceptable to feel anger if she did not tell you about this before marriage and it is hurting your marriage now.

Rape is a horrible thing for someone to come to terms with; but it doesn't mean you have to deny your feelings.

Counseling will help.

Agreed with all the above. Go seek the assistance of a professional marriage and family councilor immediately for both of you. Also, she should see a rape councilor on her own (if she wants, don't force her). Explain, if you haven't already, that what happened to her wasn't her fault. When you are hurt physically, you go to see a doctor; likewise when you are hurt emotionally you sometimes need help healing by a professional psychologist. This strikes me as one of those cases. You might ask if she wants to talk about what happened. Sometimes letting it out can be healing.

If you're going to be mad, you should be mad at the coward that assaulted her. It's really not her fault for not disclosing this to you as she was clearly traumatized by the event. This type of trauma can last a lifetime for people, so rushing it won't really help. I'm sad that you have to be in this situation, but now is a good chance for you to shine as the perfect husband. Be her rock.

I really hope for the best for both of you.

Hmmm, not her fault for not disclosing? I have to disagree. Yes, rape is of course highly traumatic, but enduring trauma does not excuse a person for refusing to deal with it, and getting others involved (married without disclosure).

I can understand the OP's feelings. He has to deal with his feelings now too. It may have been well-intentioned, but not telling your future partner about something like that, especially if one has not overcome the effects, is not honest (for lack of a better word).

Absolutely, one on one counseling for her and couples for the both of you.

What I mean is that while she is responsible for telling, it's also true that the trauma from the situation could have made it extremely difficult to discuss. You can't just say, "You should have said something". There are circumstances to consider, and they can make it near impossible to discuss it. There are some women who are actually incapable of speaking about their rape. They simply can't do it. It can take years of intense therapy to help them.

Thanks for all the fast replies. I finally talked her into going to counseling/support group and she has been going the past month. I can't really vent to anyone becus she's asked me not to tell. Don't get me wrong, not really angry at her, just angry over being blindsided like this. Now there's stuff I have to come to grips with, ie feeling selfish when we have sex and I know she really doesn't want to, but I have a ROARING libido, so it's double edged sword! Guess she feels bad that she threw it on me like this and feels if she tells me "no" too much, that it'll make things worse. There was actually one time where she enjoyed herself, but that was due some heavy drinking we were doing that night. I saw a different side of her, she really got into it, even climaxed, which freaked me out b/c it sounded like she was crying, but I guess that's just her climax call lol.

Does it make me an azz to still initiate sex from her, when I know it's hard for her?
If I could find the guy and put my hands around his neck I would!!

Does it make you and ass to initiate sex? She doesn't have to say yes. I mean be sure to let her know that you'll stop if she becomes too uncomfortable, but if she say yes, whether it's because she wants it or she wants you to be happy, it's her decision.

I'm very glad to read she's in counseling. Hopefully that will help. I'd still recommend couple's counseling.

A personal trauma is terrible, but that doesn't mean it's perfectly fine to keep it from a person you are marrying- because they aren't just getting you, they're getting all of your issues, too.

She was holding out on a BIG secret. It's not fair to him at all. While he has no "right" to know about it, he should know that the woman he's planning on marrying has seriously traumatic psychological issues that she isn't even treating in any way.

That's a pretty big lie of omission to start a marriage on, regardless of the circumstances. I don't understand marrying someone knowing for a fact that there are things you will intentionally lie to them about- and not something small, either.

And if you're that badly traumatized that you can't tell anyone- not even your fiancee- then maybe you should think about waiting to tie that knot.

No, not at all. She needs to be able to tell you that she's not ready/doesn't want to when you initiate it. What will make you an ass is going off and pouting about not getting any when she says no.

I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe see if you can go along with her to her counseling session at some point just so you can know where she stands and the counselor will probably better understand the situation. That or get a couples counselor but she may not want to do that. I don't blame you for initiating sex, I would do the same thing. If the counseling is working then she'll probably be able to tell you if she really doesn't want to do anything. It sounds like she just needs some time. I haven't been raped but I've been through something similar so I can tell you that it's entirely possible for you two to develop a healthy sex life.

I don't want to make you feel even worse, but I do think I should share something similar that happened to my mother.

She was violently raped and abused for much of her young life and has not yet regained full control over her personal boundaries--that is, she still feels like if she says "no" she will be harmed in some way, and that her "no" will not be respected anyway. This was a problem for my father and myself as we would often discover that we were doing something wrong to her only when it became unbearable and she either burst into tears or screamed at us.

For example, when I was 12 I got a particularly exciting videa game that I would play in the evening. My mother would call me for dinner but this game could not always be saved and quit immediately, and I sometimes forgot that I was supposed to stop playing and come to dinner. Eventually she would have to remind me. I thought nothing of it until one day she cried over dinner because she was sad that the food she worked so hard to make was always cold by the time I was done playing. Obviously I never meant to harm her! We set up an egg timer to remind me to stop playing and all was well thereafter.

Anyway, the point of this long example is this: the "can't-say-no" thing might be a problem for your wife, too. I don't know if her trauma was such that it would affect all her other daily interactions with you as well, but definitely in bed you need to be careful.

I think the best thing for you to do is to obviously get professional help, especially if you love her unconditionally. Another thing is patience! She will let her walls down if you give her time to heal. Remind her that you love her and that things 'will get better'. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel... I can't imagine.

I know, but part of me still feels bad. There have been times that I've stopped when I could feel her shaking or her her trying to stiffle crying. If I could take her pain away I would!

Maybe there is something else besides penetrative sex that you could do with her. How does she feel about oral/handjobs/boob sex? It might be easier on her psychologically and still help satisfy you.

that's a sticky situation man, I feel for you.

I would be pretty ticked off if she didn't tell me she was raped years before. That obviously is a horrible thing to happen to anyone and it certainly isn't something that would go away. But man, it's just not right for her to keep that from you until the first time you are together Husband and Wife. If you are a unit now those sorts of things have to be shared.

However, Sex is one aspect of a relationship and you no doubt will have to be patient. I know for me personally no matter how horny one can get, doing it with someone who is not interested, yet willing (ie someone not into sex with you but for the sake of pleasing you) is not really worth it in the end. Especially if there are huge feelings of guilt afterwards. Yeah man you're between a rock and a hard place, I sympathize with you for sure.

I hope that your Wife's counciler can help her not just for your own sexual relationship but to improve her life by getting past this horrible act

I've had a similar experience that resulted from my own stupidity, a lack of knowledge and an abused SO. You've already been told therapy, good. In my experience the main way to go on if you're going to continue attempting to have a healthy sexual relationship is to show her that the environment in the bedroom (or wherever) is a safe one. She has more insecurities and fear than you can imagine, and it's going to take a huge amount of time and effort on your part to start getting that to change. Since you're already married I'm going to assume you're willing.

Before I get into any advice, I'm not saying I'm perfect or that you don't do any of these things, just that in my experience this is what has worked. Secondly this is a particularly sensitive topic and I am in no way an expert, I just have some experience and know what has worked for me in getting though a similar situation. Basically this is what I made it a point to do, If you go to a professional who says differently by all means listen to them and not me.

First and foremost, make sure she understands she is in control, if she says no you aren't going to get mad, upset or anything. If she decides to stop halfway through, that is still ok and you have no problems with that. Genuinely have no problems as well. It is really important that you not be upset with her for refusal and let it be know that you are not. You said you feel like an ass for wanting to have sex with her still so I think you understand how hard it is for her already to even try, if she feels like she isn't making you happy or is in some way isn't being good to you it's going to make it all worse. It's all about creating a safe and secure environment associated with sex, which is the way it always should have been. She just had that unfairly taken from her.

Spend the time with her anyway when she refuses, don't go to sleep or go make a sandwich, watch tv, anything else. Stay with her, hold her, as long as it takes until she is happy, smiling, back to normal. Sometimes she won't be and she'll cry herself to sleep or still be upset. You have to stay with her, especially in this moment and make sure she knows how much you love and care for her. A caring and loving environment is just as important as a safe one to moving on to a healthier sex life. I'm not saying you're not doing these things, you may be and you haven't said. I just know it can be hard to keep perspective in a situation that can be so frustrating at times that you want to give up. Trust me when I say you aren't the one worse off in the situation, not that it is easy for you, it's just easier for you than it is for her.

I know there is a 'just for fun' side to sex too, but you can't get ever get to that without her feeling completely secure in the situation. She might not ever get there, it might take years, but stick it out. I'm not going to say that it will work out in the end, it might not, ever. But the only way it will get there is if you are 100% committed to working through this with her.

//edit: I thought of this just after I posted. I know there have been some women of the TFP who have been assaulted and abused. You may want to see about getting a post in the Ladies Lounge asking if any of them would be comfortable enough and willing to share their experience with you or answer questions via pm's or however. They may be able to help you get a better grasp of what she is going through. I know you're new (welcome to the TFP by the way) but it's worth a shot.

I actually haven't tried anything else. Well I take that back, I did try fingering her to get her umm...moist...but she said no, and later told me that the guy who raped her did that, but that he licked his fingers first, in order to 'open' her. I'm trying to get her to talk about what he did, so I don't mess up and do the same things, but she can only talk bout it in spurts.

Hectore,

Thanks for your insightful post!

Are you guys going to counseling together? Or at least you on your own? Dude, you can't just not talk about it to anyone because she asked you not to, you need to be getting professional input/direction/advise as well. I'd recommend going to the same person she's seeing on her own (or is that just a group therapy thing?), so the background is already filled in.

Man, I'm so sorry you and she are going through this...I can totally understand you feeling broadsided.

Hektare, that was a really good comment about spending time with her even if she says no. I hadn't even thought of it but it's a really good point. I had a boyfriend once who would ignore me unless I agreed to have sex with him. It felt like emotional blackmail--even though he never physically pressured or forced me, I knew I was not going to get love and attention if I refused and therefore I could not refuse.

Confuzed, I was actually talking about handjobs for YOU :P If you are just too horny to wait another minute and yet she does not want to make love, she might be happy to please you some other way. Make sure to express your enjoyment and appreciation with enthusiasm so she feels good about it. Who knows, she may even find it empowering!

Also, and this is just a thought here, feel free to reject it--what if you took her shopping online for a really nice vibrator? One that is pretty, has sparkles, looks like a bunny or a dolphin. Something that does not look scary or lewd, and that she likes. Don't forget the lube, too. Then let her use it on herself. That way she can pracise enjoying the sensation of penetration and pressure, and start to regain "ownership" of her body and her pleasure. I think she might be feeling pretty disenfranchised, like her sexual body does not belong to her.

anyway, just an idea. If you suggest it to her, be prepared for her to refuse, FYI. She might feel like only bad girls use vibrators, that her vagina and her pleasure are somehow shameful (a common problem). Therapy should help with that problem, though.

Non-scary vibrators:

http://www.goodvibes.com/Item--i-1-2-AH-0209--m-35
http://www.goodvibes.com/Item--i-1-2-AH-0207--m-35
http://www.goodvibes.com/Item--i-1-7-DE-0405--m-35

Good lube is crucial:

http://www.goodvibes.com/Item--i-22FL10--m-26

Wow, that's tough. The first thing you have to realize is, you can't change someone, they have to want to change. She hid all this from you and just hoped it would go away and that is not a good sign. She has to confront this and deal with it, and that may take years, or it may never happen at all. Second thing, you can't 'teach' someone how to enjoy sex after being raped or abused. That person has to deal with what is making them afraid of sexual contact, which ties into my first point.

I can say all this because I've been through it before, with a girl who wasn't willing to confront her abuse and come to terms with it, and was never able to enjoy any kind of sex at all unless she was just drunk or drugged out of her mind or both. I left her because she was only getting worse, and was never going to change. That might seem like an asshole thing to do, and maybe it was, but no sex in a relationship is a dealbreaker for me. Once I let go of my obsession with 'fixing' her, I realized she would never get better unless she wanted to, and I realized I was miserable in a sexless relationship and it was time to get out.

That's not to say you should just dump her, but you have a tough road ahead, probably involving professional councelling and possibly years of recovery. Be supportive but realize you can't fix her problem, she has to deal with it herself. Good luck.

I imagine there won't any role playing going on in the bedroom...


And again with the insensitive...


At some point she will have to put this shit behind her and move on with her life. If she refuses to... leave. Your relationship will do nothing but suffer.

"you don't get to be angry with her"? What, is rape some sort of cop-out pass you can use to make people feel so sorry for you? Of course, a guy shouldn't get mad if a gf has issues with sex because of rape, but that doesnt mean that a girl who conceals this fact until marriage by saying she wants to save herself and then can't fulfill her husband's expectations in bed at all should be pitied, because then the marriage isn;t on honest ground anymore, and obviously this girl had no respect for the guy she was marrying to be able to do that to him!
If I was in this situation i would be very upset because I couldn't handle a relationship with some one who isn't as sexual of a person as I am, and if i am only finding out that they aren't as sexual as i am after i marry them, then I wouldn;t be able to get out of it too easily, now would I?

Agreed. Communication is vital to any relationship and honestly, I wouldn't trust her about other things if she couldn't even tell me about something that would impact my life with her. I know it's harsh but he has every right to be angry that she didn't reveal this important fact.

professional help.. for her individually and for you as a couple... and as quickly as possible.

with some intensive therapy and support, you can move past this together.

If she doesn't want to attend therapy and move past this... I'd see that as a real warning sign, don't stay in a marriage that won't work. communication is KEY to making a marriage successful (i've been married for 5 years now and it's the one thing that keeps a couple happy/together) I understand why she didn't tell you to some degree... but really... She should have been honest with you a long time ago.

best of luck to both of you.

sweetpea

Confuzed...Something is definitely not kosher in Denmark. Perhap...you should back off a bit...and take a long, long look at the havoc this is causing YOU emotionally...to say nothing of what it is doing to you physically (you know...that ache that ends to make a man quite uncomfortable and irritable at times).

Stop the self-flagellation...eschew those 'mea culpas'. You sought happiness and joy...and got lies, excuses...and a barbed-wire cluster on your purple shaft.

There is a remedy for incompatibility. Avail yourself of it before you wind up hating her guts.

Life is just too short to spend it walking around suffering the stress of an unrelieved erection.


Confuzed...Something is definitely not kosher in Denmark. Perhap...you should back off a bit...and take a long, long look at the havoc this is causing YOU emotionally...to say nothing of what it is doing to you physically (you know...that ache that ends to make a man quite uncomfortable and irritable at times).

Stop the self-flagellation...eschew those 'mea culpas'. You sought happiness and joy...and got lies, excuses...and a barbed-wire cluster on your purple shaft.

There is a remedy for incompatibility. Avail yourself of it before you wind up hating her guts.

Life is just too short to spend it walking around suffering the stress of an unrelieved erection.

You would probably find solo counseling for you to be useful, in addition. You shouldn't be ashamed to be angry or bitter about the situation, but you still need to deal with those emotions. Good luck.

There's a chance that this woman is blaming the "rape" for not wanting sex. Some women just plain don't like sex. There's nothing you can do. I say get a divorce and move on. (sorry for reviving old threads but this one bothered me).

Is it me or is every girl raped these days? You know what the muslims say or what it says in the Bible. If the woman doesn't scream, it wasn't rape. And if she doesn't scream, she is stoned to death....that was in the old days. My point is that EVERY girl says she's raped these days. 60 % of men that are in prison because of "rape" are innocent. I sincerely believe this. She is giving an excuse for not wanting sex. It wasn't the rape. I got hit with a baseball that was going 80 mph right in the eye but you know, I got over it and went out and played baseball again. You guys are totally letting women off the hook WAY WAY too much and now we got a bunch of princesses walking around who think they own the world. Lets think about this stuff more logically. Instead of being frightened by a buzz word called "rape".

I offer further proof that all statistics on the internet are pulled directly from someone's ass. :)

Seriously, go back and read the OP.

Well that was a hell of a first post.

Agreed.

Like many have said, professional help (for her, you, and you two) is the way to go. Also, make her feel in control.

However, you have every right to be angry that this was not disclosed to you before tying the knot. Yeah it was traumatic, but where would we be without our traumatic pasts/childhoods? When you enter into a relationship implying everything they expect is OK, and know it isn't... that is a lie.

Also, a bit off topic and callous of me, you got married after dating her for only 8 months?

I agree with what most other people are saying - counseling. Lots of it, for both of you. There are a lot of other emotions (and maybe even health conditions?) that are likely involved and she needs professional help.

Gss, not every girl has been raped but many have. Most guys have never been sexually assaulted, so of course you have no idea what it's like or how it can affect you. A few days before my 16th birthday my boyfriend at the time and I were fooling around (fingering, hand job, oral). I was still a virgin and he knew I wasn't ready for sex, but he climbed on top of me and pinned me down anyway. I asked him to stop, not to do what I knew he was going to do. He did the whole "but I love you so much, baby" thing while I protested and cried, then he took my virginity. Eventually I screamed in pain and he let me up. The really, really stupid part is that I stayed with him after that for several more months, enduring his abuse because "I loved him," and it definitely ended up affecting my libido and my sex life for many years after that. I associated sex with fear, guilt, pain and sadness until someone finally showed me that sex can be wonderful and passionate and extremely pleasurable (thanks Xeph!)

In this situation there really isn't a whole lot a guy can do but support his girl while she deals with her emotions. Get counseling (individual and couple) and take things slowly. Communicate. Be honest.

Good luck :thumbsup:

Counseling first, and if that doesn't work a good divorce lawyer because she sold you some defective goods.

This was ten months ago - I'm curious to find out what happened.

I agree. Before you marry someone you should be able to discuss almost anything, especially something as great a deal as this.

I'm sorry she went through that and that she hasn't found peace about it, I'm sure it's awful beyond comprehension. I can understand your sexual frustration with waiting for so long and then stumbling upon this. I think it's wonderful you're being so patient with her however she does need someone to tell her she can't sulk about this forever when it's negatively affecting the marriage. That's just not ok and it's not fair to you by any means. I'm sure she feels awful about it but it's just a big mental hurtle to get over for her. She'll grow from it and hopefully become a stronger person because of it.

Counseling. Also does she know who this a-hole is? If so press charges and get some retribution. That's just what I would do if someone did that to me and I could find them. That or blow them away with a 45. Let him get raped in prison before he does it other women.

and i sincerely believe that that statement is a total load of bollocks.

so what your saying is this..

1) muslims and christians believe that if a woman doesnt scream if shes being raped, then its not rape?

2) that is she doesnt scream, and afterwards the story gets out then she gets stoned?


what a load of horseshit.

so i ask you two questions...

I say show me the money.

1) show me where islam or christianity condone rape (noisy or noiseless).
2) show me proof that 60% of men in jails are innocent.

i find your reference to rape in inverted commas troubling, since anything in commas is usually when someone doesnt beleieve something to be true, or that there is a question mark over the event.

i also find your reference to the female gender as 'girls' as either perverted or misguided. and that fact that you think that ALL 'girls' claim rape, then you must think that most of us here are writing posts from prison.

personally though, i'd put your whole statement in inverted commas.