Would you tell?
 

My question is both specific and general...

If you had a secret in your life and you found yourself seriously involved with someone (even to the point of marriage) would you tell them?

Lets say this secret involved something that happened in another life (something you've moved on from and put behind you completely). Would you feel compelled to be entirely open and honest with your SO - so that they truly know everything about you, or would you just keep that part of your life hidden and seperate?

What if you knew for sure that they would not approve of said secret or past actions...?

I would love to hear responses to the above question because it is in a general form but I have also phrased it in a specific sense below...

The situation is this:
My roommate and I have been given an opportunity to make a little extra cash (which would be SERIOUSLY welcomed right now) and I am having some qualms about it, in that I worry about the lasting effects on my emotional well-being and the effects on future relationships.

If I do said venture (it is sexually orientated), will I be able to keep it a secret from the man I eventually marry, or even the next guy I get really serious with?

In my mind, it will have been a huge thing from my past (not something I'll easily forget) and something I would feel compelled to share. In past relationships, my SO's have known everything about me - I have held nothing back. Would it be fair to my future SO's to keep this from them. Or am I only opening myself up to heartache, knowing that if I were to tell, I run the very real risk of losing this person (or in the very least, seriously affecting how they view me) ?

All is asked hypothetically as I have neither taken this course of action, nor do I have a SO at the moment to consider.

So my question remains - would you tell? :confused:

I wouldn't do the deed. "a little extra cash" is not worth it. That way you don't have to worry about your peace of mind in the future, and believe me when I tell you, peace of mind is worth far more than money. Money is relatively easy to come by. A clear conscience is a lifetime's worth of effort, and is rewarded accordingly.

Well, I am the type of person who needs to tell all. If not, I feel very disingenuous to the person I am with. I need them to know all the little sordid details about me so that they know what they are in for, and so that I know that they have freely chosen to be with me, with as much knowledge as possible about me.

Although, in response to your question, I guess you're talking about something you haven't done yet, and about telling someone you haven't even met yet? Am I following? And the only thing that is preventing you from doing it is your fear of telling your husband about it many years down the road? (What if you met the man of your dreams next year, btw? Would you be "over" it by then?)

I guess what I am asking is, are you really scared about "telling" someone later, or are you scared of actually doing this deed? I'm not sure if I'm clear on your actual hold-up. If you think it's going to affect your emotional well-being negatively, well hell, that should be your #1 reason for not doing it, right there. No need to consider a future spouse's reaction if you yourself don't feel 100% thrilled (which is how you should feel, if this is REALLY something you WANT to do). Just my opinion.

Sounds to me like you are worried enough about this action on your own without having to worry also about telling someone else. I don't think that is a good sign. Whatever it is, I wouldn't do it.

I agree with everyone else here. It sounds like you don't want to do this. If you have to ask about something like this then chances are you aren't prepared for the consequences.

To answer your question more directly, I have no secrets from my wife. Including past sexual encounters that stray pretty far from the norm.

what's in a person's past is in the past and mostly should stay there... there are some things about me that are just no one's business but my own... and I'm OK with that... but if you aren't ok with it -then the immediate reward isn't worth the long term risk

Yes - this 'action' would only last for the next couple of months or so. No, I haven't done any of it yet (am only considering at this point). I am scared about both wanting to tell someone in the future - because like you, I normally tell my SO's everything - and about their reaction. All of which would contribute to an effect on my emotional well-being. Its not something I WANT to do - not many people desire to take this course of action - but rather something I would do, to take advantage of the pay off...

a little secret never hurt anyone as long as you can deal with it yourself


I'm guessing you were asked to do a photoshoot or perform at a club?

I'll concur with most everyone else on this one. If this is giving you mental, moral, ethical qualms (which it seems is obvious) then don't do it. It's not worth it. In the future, any monetary gain will be gone and forgotten. Money comes and goes like water. But regret or doubt can be very hard to shake off, especially if it involves a possible dilemma for you in a future relationship. I've found in my 41 years on the planet thus far that the less secrets you have the better. And we all have some, it's near impossible to not accumulate some secrets in our lives, but some have more magnitude and carry more risk than others. If you're worried about this being a thorn in your side in the future then don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Good luck, babe.

Okay I know it's not really any of our buisness but c'mon, you can't just say you were asked to 'something sexual' for some extra cash and not tell us at least a little detail


And back you your question.

I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life. Some stuff I won't even admit to here and I've admited to a lot of shit here. But I can live with it all. I don't look at them as bad things, I look at them as lessons. If whatever you're gonna do doesn't kill you, it should be looked at as something to learn from. If you wanna tell someone else about it in hopes they can learn from you...


You get what I'm trying to say. Do it. Live your life for now, not two years from now.

The 'action' would be that of sexual hookups (everything from BJ's to FS) with a girlfriend (thus the appeal of a duo). Everything would be done through an online ad...

Okay... apart from the future, how do you FEEL about this? I mean, let's say you knew you were going to die in a few months, for whatever reason. Would doing this help you feel more fulfilled, more alive? Or would it be something that you regretted and made you feel like you had wasted the last months of your life?

What I am asking is for you to forget about the "shame" factor, and just try to figure out what appeals to you about this. If it is TRULY only the money, then I say NO, don't do it. There are other places to get money, alright? But if the idea of having sex for money is something that turns you on, something that just totally gets you going, then maybe that is the reason you want to do it... and I would say that is pretty much valid, as far as I know.

Don't let fears of "no money" drive you to do something you aren't comfortable with... but on the other hand, if it's not about the money, don't let fears of a future, frowning husband keep you from doing something that you really WANT to do. It really depends on your motives.

And no matter who you marry or end up with long-term, I would expect that they would understand your motives more than anyone else. It's not as if you'd be cheating on them; you're single now, correct? But here is another thought: would you want to know if your husband had done something like this? What would you think about him, if you did? I think that's where your answer lies...

No judgement here at alll.... but...

Something like that could affect your sexual health in the future - -nothing is 100 percent effective against STDs... and since there's money involved - a solicitation bust could go on your permanent record.

How would you be screening these hookups?

Unless your anxieties stem from yourself and not actually from a yet-extant partner, then I see nothing unhealthy about going into it, in the manner you seem to be worrying about, especially if you enjoy sex a great deal. But Mal is absolutely right, there are some risks involved when it comes to physical health.

King's said some sagacious shit as long as I've seen his posts... but this is up there. Live your life for yourself, because you're not going to get another go at it.

If you've a serious boyfriend or husband down the line that you love, you're going to have to share everything you've got. If they can't handle your past and its impact on the present, where does that leave your future with them?

um...prostitution? I would never do that. I'm flat broke right now and wouldn't even consider doing that. Diseases? Disgusting people? Go to a page of guys who get busted in prostitution stings...do you want to have to do things with them? Seriously, I wouldn't even be concerned about having to tell a future SO because you'd have to tell and be tested regularly for diseases. It's only fair to the guy's health.

It sounds like you really don't want to do it either. I think that you are looking at the wrong issue. Don't worry about what others think in the future..what do you think right now? You have to live with yourself. Of course, it's your choice, but I would seriously look at what you are doing. I had a few friends that took the route you are looking down. Led to nothing but trouble...drug addiction, diseases, and heartache. One even committed suicide. Money is not worth it believe me. I have learned that putting yourself in a bad situation just to make money is not worth it. I'd rather be poor and happy with my choices in life.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I wouldn't do it for a "little extra cash" but everyone has a price... is the amount of money worth it? To me, anything you do and get paid for is a job. It wouldn't really affect my emotional well being because at the end of the day, it's a paycheck in exchange for a service performed (no pun intended). But it's never just about only YOUR emotional well being, it's your family, friends, and future significant others and what they would think.

If you do go ahead with it (and think about it seriously before you decide) then it's no ones business but yours. Assuming it's a safe environment and you don't end up with some sort of STD, your future boyfriend doesn't need to know at all. I don't think they really need or want to know about every single odd job you've ever done for a little extra cash so this is no different.

Thanks everyone for your input - you've definitely made me look at this from the right angles.

The motive would be purely for the money. There is nothing that turns me on about having sex for money....

And I know that while the money would be REALLY nice right now - I would have a hard time not thinking about what it took to get that money in the first place...

I think I already know how I'm going to act, but it was helpful to hear other people's input - keep it coming :)

I see this issue broken into a few pieces: (1) do you have to tell your future SO everything? (2) is this the sort of thing that if you did it you'd feel you have to tell your SO? (3) if it is, is that a reason not to do it?

To my way of thinking the answers are: (1) no, not necessarily, but different people feel differently about this. Carly Simon once did a song called "No Secrets" (title song on the album that featured "You're so Vain"). The song was about exactly this issue.

(2) this is a somewhat different issue - would you feel that this specific thing is something you'd be obligated to tell? I don't think you have any way to know that right now. You don't know how you'll feel about it in the future, you don't know what sort of person or who your future SO will be or how he'll react, you don't know whether it'll turn out to be the sort of thing you really can keep secret anyway. This one is unknowable.

(3) This one is the key issue. If you think doing this would put a serious kink in your future ability to live with yourself or to have a healthy relationship, it's simply not worth it -- certainly not for a few bucks. As the other people have pointed out, money is replaceable. You can't buy your way out of regrets, bad memories or adverse experiences -- all you can do is assimilate them and move on. But your question assumes that you won't find it easy to move on. So then why put yourself in the situation where you have something that it's best to move on from?

This is your answer, right here. Don't do it, then.

1. If you don't think you can ever tell him, it's more than just a secret.

2. This kind of money isn't granted for the act; it's a bandage for your mind, and almost always a poor one. Which is why it's so often converted directly to coke and heroine, the currencies of self-destructive risk.

3. I can almost gaurantee you that it wouldn't stop here. Ask any stripper how they got started, and they'll probably give you the same story that you just gave us.

4. Good luck.

I think this has been said above but the only thing that should affect your decisions is how they make you feel. Later on down the road when you are done with this job and meet someoen you truly love they will accept hearing this if they truly love you back.

It sounds like you don't want to do this "extra job", you should weigh your options when it comes to money. Maybe borrow from someone, but if your gut is telling you not to, I would listen. As others mentioned, your health is of utmost importance.

everyone has a price, but I wouldnt get into something that you'll regret later on. chances are, you probably wont be getting paid enough to justify the risks (jail time/weird sexual abuse).

if you look decent, get into stripping. IMO, its probably a much safer venture.

If you like him now, you should see what he was like before you joined (and before the server crash.) Those were the good old days.

Look in the mirror, say, "I am going to be a prostitute," and see how you feel about yourself. You won't let yourself say it and you won't let yourself do this.

If you can help it, even if it means living worse off, then don't do it. It seems clear to me that the fact you have posted this here is because you have serious qualms about doing it. It's a very big step, and one that will probably mark you for life, in a negative way, since you haven't even done anything yet and you seem to feel bad already.

Separately, in your question about having secrets with your SO, then I would say that if it's something big, they should probably know, but if it's something small, it's up to you. For me, telling all hasn't always been the right choice. No-one ever really knows you completely, not even yourself. Also if you have nothing left to tell, life will become pretty boring fast.

If the secret was "I used to have sex with nasty men for money", then I think probably he should know. It's the sort of thing that could compromise his health, and also it's too big a secret to not come out on its own over time. Better to tell him before someone else does.

good god....

Are you starving? Owe money to gangsters? Living in a van down by the river? Mom dying of something and you need money for medicine?

If not, why would you even consider this? Get a part time job somewhere, I assume you are in school, which is why money is tight, do you currently have a job?

Is couple hundred (or thousand?) dollars right now worth having to tell the man you want to marry that you once sold your ass like a whore on the corner? I am sorry to be blunt, but that is what some people might think, regardless of what it means to you now, think about telling your children down the road that "mommy used to be a hooker, but it's ok, because it was just for money".

Even if I loved a girl with all my heart, and thought about spending my life with her, I would leave her if she dropped that bombshell on me a year or so into our relationship. It's not like working at hooters, or stripping. There is no way you can justify it.

my 2 cents, sorry it was so harsh.

What's a little cash for your self respect? The cash is always worth doing anything you think you shouldn't. No matter how unethical it is, the money more than makes up for it right?? (sorry just a little sarcasm)

If you're totally uneasy about it, then the answer should be no. Short story: a girl friend of mine, who I knew for several years, one day said while she was away at a "christian" college started dancing for money. It was great until the "dean" happened to go there and see her. She had to quit school (of course I don't have all the details as to why).

I guess what I'm saying is, it may seem okay, until someone you know finds out, or you tell the wrong person what you're doing or have done, and then you're looked at differently.
Do what you feel is right.

Life has a funny way of not letting you forget the past, no matter how hard you try. Sure you may be able to keep it a secret for a while, but anytime there are other people involved its not likely to stay a secret for very long.
And you have no idea how something like this might bite you in the ass in the future.

I am more concerned about the fact that you would contemplate doing something that would affect your "emotional wellbeing" ---there comes a point when money isn't everything.

hehehe...


When you're done with that, substitute the word prostitute with "whore" and try it again. I'm not saying you're a whore- but believe me, you'll be saying it to yourself later. The odds that you walk away totally unscathed- both physically (disease or abuse) and mentally- are not in your favor at all.

Also: forget about future men down the line. Worry about your own psyche and health for the moment.

Also also: if one of your biggest personal supporting arguments is "it's just for the money", consider what that means. What else would you do for money? Would you kill a person for money? Would you stab a child in the face for money? Think about the absurdity of saying something is ok just because you're being compensated, then think about whether or not what you're being given is worth what you're potentially losing. :)

And if you do finally take this gig, bring a big guy with a gun everywhere you two go. The world is full of whackos.

Okay, I am just going to list my knee-jerk reactions and you can take them for what they are worth (exactly 2 pennies, last I checked.)

1) "What is the going rate for self-respect?"
2) As unlikely as it may sound today, some day you might run for office and these people will come out of the woodworks to ruin your life. Just look at what happened to Clinton, Foley, Jesse Jackson, John Kerry, etc.
3) Don't live today at the expense of tomorrow.
4) I am decent man; I am an EXCELLENT husband. Having said that, I would not entertain the possibility of having sex with, dating, or marrying a current or former prostitute. I would imagine that most decent men out there would feel the same. So, you are limiting the ponds you can fish in later in life.
5) Never go into business with your roommate: if the business fails, neither of you can pay rent. Hence, even if you hate the work and want out, neither of you can quit, ESPECIALLY if it is a "duo" act. You will lay guilt on each other to keep the other going and that will only lead to bad feelings.
6) Nothing good will come out of this.
7) You are a bright and courageous person for accepting advice before making a decision.

Best wishes.

wow I had a really long post all written up but then my server decided to crash and I lost it (argh) - will write more when I get back from my lunch break :)

I think the general consensus here is don't do it if you have any feelings of self worth as a person at all.

Either way, it will ruin you.

huh. I would think that a decent man would be willing to forgive people's pasts. What good does living in the past do? Live your life how you want/need and have fun. And anyone who is sitting here saying it will ruin you and all that.. how many of you watch porn/buy porn?? Same thing really. What's the difference (with the exception of testing) between a porn star and a street hooker? They both get paid to fuck.

Bottom line is this randy... live your life how you think you should. If you don't think you should do it because you can't handle it or you're worried about it, then don't. If you think it would be a good thing for you then try it.

Funny, I was just logging in to post similar thoughts about this issue. I'm actually pretty shocked at the responses of most people... even though some of them make sense, plenty of you all are getting downright moralistic on randygurl.

What if she was posting about becoming a porn actress? Or a stripper? Would you all (especially men) condemn her just as roundly as you have done regarding becoming a prostitute? Or would you find it sexy and say, "Go for it, baby, that's hot... can we see on Exhibition?" Most importantly, would you "refuse to marry" someone who had that kind of history as well, or is being a stripper or porn star somehow more removed than being a prostitute? I really don't see the difference, whatsoever.

This is what I don't understand about the whole sex industry. Why all the double-standards? If you wouldn't want your wife, girlfriend, daughter, or mother doing that kind of thing, why do you support it with your money, time, or energy?

I am certainly not anti-porn, or even anti-prostitution or stripping... but there is a vast continuum of ethics in this industry. Ethically-produced porn (especially woman-directed), where no one is addicted to anything or getting all manner of STD's, is awesome in my book. I would buy all porn videos made in that manner, if I had the money! It's great stuff, gets me hot as hell just the same as any other porn. As for stripping or prostitution... take a European country, for example, where prostitutes are unionized and the job is seen as valid and a conscious choice for many women. Very different approach than the American one.

I guess what I am incensed about is the fact that when most people use porn, I highly doubt they are considering these kinds of high-level issues such as "self-respect" or "disease transmission" or "this is like stabbing a child in the face for money." No, most people (including quite a few people on this thread, I'm sure) just sit there and get off, and are just glad they don't have to come home to that slut and get all her diseases and buy her drugs. She's someone else's business... literally.

/marches off soapbox.

Because the one's doing it aren't my wife, girlfriend, or daughter.

prostitution is illegal - porn is not - and that's the big difference as far as I'm concerned

If you really want to do it for the cash, give er. It willn ot be like oyu are cheating on anyone or you will have to lie in the future. If you chose not to tell someone about your past it's your decision. If you think you can handle keeping a secret then it not a problem. If you really had to tell someone you could tell random people who do not know you on a forum.

Ahhh, mal, you can't get off that easily. The OP is from Canada where prostitution is not illegal.

So what if you're in a country where both are legal? Then what?

And the bigger question: Does the fact that an act is legal make it right? Does illegality equal immorality?

I think the most pressing issue, the issue randygurl came here with, is the matter of how she feels about this now and how she is speculating she will feel in the future. Any opinions about the morality or legality of it are kind of irrelevant. Not the point.

And speaking just for myself. I couldn't imagine having something like this in my past and not telling a long-term committed partner about it. I don't consider that a choice. I would feel dishonest. I suspect randygurl feels at least somewhat this way, too.

And one more thing, I was never a prostitute nor a stripper or porn star, but I do have sexual adventures in my past that might strike some people as unacceptable. But in both of my long-term relationships with men I have always been honest about my past and never been rejected for it. Someone who truly loves you will understand, accept and continue loving you. Like so many people have said before, the real issue is how YOU will be able to accept and rationalize a decision to go through with it. It seems to me though, that maybe you had your mind made up before you came here.

I am with some of the others in this thread... Money can be spent but SYD's are forever. I would find another way.

Abaya, I see where you are coming from because many people put money and time in the porn industry or it wouldn't exist. Obviously, there are people out there that want to do that type of work. There are people out there that would be happy flipping burgers too. There are other people who was to be engineers. It's personal what you want to do with your life. She was asking for opinions and I think that she is getting a wide-range of them.

Some people are fine with it. Others are not. Anytime sex is involved it is going to be a moral issue or a hot topic anyway. One way to look at it is this and this knocked me for a loop this weekend. My step-daughter is 16 and having sex. I went crazy, what is she thinking? blah, blah. Stop...refocus...look at self. Shit. :lol: There are always double-standards involved when someone you care about is involved in something that could be life threatening or destroying. Strangers, eh I don't really care what they do or have done. Might sound horrible, but it's true. Therefore, I don't care if Randygurl does it or not, I just stated that I wouldn't and told her why. If it were a relative or close friend...well that would probably be a deal-breaker for me. I couldn't stand watching someone I cared about spiral down like the other friends I had.

On the SO issues, I wouldn't want to be with someone that had helter-skelter sex with strangers. That's my opinion. I want a person I'm with to be special, not the 'special of the week' for multiple people. She doesn't know what her future holds. She's unsure so she came to us. We obviously aren't going to make her decision for her. Maybe it would be a great thing for her and she would have no reprecussions down the road. But she does need to see both sides. That's one thing I like about TFP, you get a broad range of ideas from many backgrounds.

SEXFORMONEYMIGHTBEWRONGNOTWITHSTANDINGITSPOPULARITY.
Not that some such thing never took place!

Bottomline:

Don't do anything now you will regret later. Yep, it's THAT simple.

You have doubts now, don't do it.

As far as secrets go, unless they would "personally" effect your partner, DO NOT.........I repeat, DO NOT tell them.

Perils.
 

Whoa, dude! Or, ma'am? I, too, wonder about the motivations, but one of them seemed to be money (the root of all evil:eek: ) and if one likes sex, (:thumbsup: ), one might get confused, especially with no "SO"! Go figure?
I'm absolutely certain that pleasure is good unless it leads to a lack of pleasure later. xx!

My 2 cents - if you sincerely believe that you will never have a job/social position with a high profile, or that you will never have an SO who may eventually have a high social profile, then you do whatever you want.
The chance that the internet will come back and bite your ass will always exist. However, if you are relatively low-profile the repercussions will be limited to the reach of whoever it is who locates and disseminates the internet content. This means that not everyone who knows you will necessarily know about this part of your past.
On the other hand, if you eventually have some public standing, you can pretty well guarantee that somehow any such content will be discovered and spread until everyone who has ever heard of you will be aware of it. Witness the beaver shot of Britney Spears that has swept around the world this past week. If she was just another woman that particular picture would have a very limited spread (no pun intended), and virtually no coverage would exist. The value is created because it is malicious or salacious gossip about a public figure. If you will never be out there you will not be a target, and you will not have to worry very much about the long-term effects of your youthful adventures.

Precisely, I agree completely. Which is why I got rather incensed at the quality of some people's replies here; for me, it is more about the psychological, emotional, and mental impact of a decision on the person, rather than the morals of other people or the laws of other lands (and yep, prostitution is very legal in many countries). It is up to the individual and what he or she can handle.

What got me off track a bit was seeing how some people morally condemned the OP for even considering such an action, but would possibly have little moral problem observing another stranger (or possibly even this one) performing sexual acts for money. To me, that is a form of cognitive dissonance, but what do I know.

Just saying... if you're going to support the industry of paying money for sexual acts, whether merely observing them or partaking in them personally, I don't think you have any room to *morally* condemn a woman for entertaining the idea of going into the business herself. And I say that as a person who definitely enjoys porn and supports the ethical production of it.

As I posted earlier, if her personal ethics say she's alright with giving this a try, then by all means, go for it! You only live once. But the feeling we are all getting (including her) is that her ethics don't jive with the idea, and so I would discourage it based on that fact alone. Not on moral grounds.

/no more soapboxes tonight

So if I pay two girls the same amount of money...If I have a camera I'm legal, if I don't I'm going to jail? I still like the amateur porn that two people who are in a relationship make. Or the hot single girl outdoor photo shoots.

Stripping and not going beyond the basics of taking clothes off on stage wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but having sex with people you don't care about (or know), would be. And I wouldn't want my partner to keep any secrets from me, or have to lie about what they were doing for that part of their life. If you did some nude photos or amateur porn with a former boyfriend, it wouldn't be a problem. But having sex (whether you get paid or not) with college spring breakers, porn stars, guys who pay for sex, or lots of monogamous short term boyfriends wouldn't win over too many normal guys.

Plus you would always have to worry about someone you 'know' running into you outside of the bedroom. What happens if your friends and family find out?

I agree. "Let is he who is without sin" and all that.

Since a lot of people are having a problem with the legal/illegal argument, I'll side with mal but give a different reason.

People in porn are regularly tested for STDs as a matter of practice, but with a prostitute, getting tested is up to her and her customer has no incentive to be tested. Her next customer could be more diseased than the monkey in outbreak, but there's no guarantee that he's been tested, or that he even cares that he could be putting her in danger. Beyond that, those in porn don't really have to fear the people they're having sex with, no worry about some some random creep attacking them. For a prostitute, that danger is always there.

If she'd said porn, I'd say go for it if she really feels she wants to, because fucking on camera for money (assuming professional porn, not some guy in his basement with a handycam) is a lot different than getting paid by random strangers for them to get to have sex with her. A big difference, in my humble opinion. They're only doing it with other professionals, and it's a controlled and safe environment (again, assuming legit businesses).

And I didn't say it was like stabbing a child in the face for money. I was using it to illuminate the error in psychologically justifying an act simply because of monetary gain, posing an (obviously) absurd hypothetical to show through hyperbole exactly why such a line of thinking is false to use.

I also never made a judgment call on her- I only addressed the consequences of her actions as they relate to her own self-respect and self-worth... and trying to help a person make a choice that will potentially cause a lot of personal issues down the line, is much more important than giving any judgments... which i'm not doing, and haven't done. :)

Thanks for clarifying, analog. I went back and read your post again, and indeed I pulled your quote out of context.

I guess for me, I just think that choosing to do any kind of sex act for money is virtually the same kind of thing in my book... *as long as* the person involved is choosing to participate and be paid for it. (I am not talking about the 10-year old child prostitutes on the streets of Bangkok, here.) So that is where we differ.

Spectre, honestly, I guess I just can't assume that all porn stars *do* get tested for STD's, nor can I assume that all prostitutes avoid testing and make *no* discriminating choices about who they'll have sex with, etc. I think that there is still a lot of dangerous, unhealthy shit that goes down in the mainstream porn industry, especially with regards to addictions, and I think that a lot of prostitutes do take care of themselves, especially if they have freely chosen their profession. But that's just my perception, again.

Analog, again I appreciate you clarifying your position on not making a judgement. I think we both agree that the important thing is to evaluate whether the person has full knowledge of what their choices are, and what the consequences will be, before going into such a situation. And I think we're all trying to help the OP evaluate those things, and hashing out other things along the way. :)

My main issue here was just with people saying that they would never marry someone with a history like that, even if she had been tested for STDs (as if a history, in itself, made somebody evil and immoral)... while at the same time perhaps supporting the very same industry in their own personal lives. It just didn't make logical sense to me. Morals and ethics are not the same thing.

To the OP:

All of this advice about what is right and wrong aside, it sounds to me like you already know you don't want to do this. I'd say don't let something like money pressure you into doing something you would likely feel bad about later on, and that applies to anything, not just sex.

abaya: You're very welcome, I'm glad that was cleared up- and I agree that what's best is making sure she understands the choices and future implications.

I agree.

Ok well let me pose another question..

people say they wouldn't marry someone who had helter skelter sex with random people for money. Would you marry someone who got drunk in clubs and slept with random people in a college setting?? I have a feeling that most people have and will.

So really.. what is the difference there?? You have one person standing on the street getting paid to be a "whore" and you have a girl dancing in the club getting free drinks to be a "whore". Hrmm..

It all boils down to this IMO; you have to be careful, you have to be smart.. and you have to do what's best for <b>YOU</b> and you alone.

I would strongly consider how strong a relationship REALLY can be without complete honesty. That means no lies of omission either. It's crazy but when you keep secrets, especially the big ones, from a partner you tend to begin to distrust the partner. Depending on the emotional level of commitment between partners- I wouldn't tell every guy that I dated that "hey I used to screw for money" but I would definately tell a long term partner about portions of my past that had a very big impact on how I came to be who I am. If you want to commitment you must be willing to be open and honest or the relationship is flawed from the beginning.

Don't do it. You said yourself that it doesn't turn you on, it's not something that you actually want to do, and if that's the case, don't do it. I don't personally see prostitution as morally disgusting, just as another job with unpleasant working conditions. That said, if you don't really feel comfortable with the job, don't do it.

I know there are others out there that are telling you about screwing up your physical/mental health, however I don't believe that is always an accurate assumption. You can be a prostitute that doesn't get any more screwed up in the head or STDs if you are actually doing something you want and being careful about it, but if your doing something you dont want to for money then at some point you will be screwing up your psyche.

Listen to me, I've had 4 psychology classes and suddenly I'm dispensing wisdom like I have any to give? All advice given from me is given with good intent, but i'm screwed up and frequently talk out of my ass. Just my 2 cents, take it for what its worth.

I've always thought that was peculiar, and I have to disagree with not only you but the law banning prostition.

If you pay a girl to "make a movie" with you, having sex.. it's pornographic, and it's entirely legal.

Let's break down the ingredients:

Money changed hands (business agreement).
Woman had sex with you, for that money.
Video was sold, likely at a profit (more money made).

And yet, if you meet a girl on a streetcorner (or hell, a bar for that matter) who offers to engage in sex with you for money, it's illegal.

The ONLY difference between the two situations is a video camera. It makes me think that you should be able to avoid police stings for prostitution simply by announcing that you've brought a video camera, and that you are paying for the video, not the sex. Bullshit technicalities on human behavior never work.

I was simply listing my knee-jerk reactions as I read. I will expound on this one, however: There are 3 billion women on the planet. Let's say 1 billion of them are within marrying age, half of them are single, etc - I don't know. Regardless, we all have standards we use to cut through that 500 million to get to the people we would actually want to have a relationship with. For me, my standards would include "having not been a prostitute". While this might seem arbitrary to you, one has to set some sort of bar and mine would include that. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be the woman's friend or give her a helping hand, it simply means I wouldn't date her.

Think of it this way: how many girls would date a man that ~used~ to be a rapist? He did the crime/time and all that, and now he's just so Schmo she meets in the supermarket. I admit that rape is worse than prostitution but that shouldn't be factored into the comparison because, hey, neither of them is a prostitute or a rapist anymore. There aren't many women who would "forgive people's past" enough to date that guy. It's just natural selection, of sorts.

I hardly think you can compare a man being a rapist (ie violent idiot) to a woman exhanging money for sex...thats ridiculous

Lots of men consider women to be prostituting themselves if they pay for dinner and then fuck the girl (again that person is an idiot), thats one reason if I knew I wanted to screw a guy, I paid either for every thing or my share (thats one of the things Dave loved about me when we first met)

Self esteem, legalities aside...to answer the OP, I would never be with a man I couldnt share 100% of my past with. As Dave always says, the past is not "dead" its whats made me into the person he loves and cherishes. I have a sexual history that would make some men turn and run scared, on the other hand there are guys that are not intimidated or put off by it at all. All men are different, thats why its so hard to find the "right" one sometimes. I dont want someone to "forgive" my past, Im not looking for absolution from a mate, he can either understand it or move on.

This argument reminds me of a joke...

John is retiring after 20 years of working, he gets thrown a party by all his friends and co-workers. They all start chanting "speech, speech!" he makes his way up to the podium, and begins: "Friends, Family, Well Wishers... I am here today to not only retire, but to offer some advice. You can build a thousand bridges, but do they call you John the Bridge-builder? No. You can mend a thousand broken bones, but do they call you John the Healer? No. You can sleep with a thousand women, but do they call you John the Ladies Man? No. But... I swear to god, you suck one little dick..."

This is something that is going to stick with you for as long as you live. Even if no one else knows, you will.

I'm guess this is to me since helter skelter is used. No, as others have mentioned that is a deal breaker for me. I never wanted to be with a guy that slept with random people and I never was. If I found out they were, end of relationship for me. The only reason I mentioned this is because the OP asks if she should tell and if it would make a difference. As some people stated it wouldn't matter, but other people do care about that. Same with smoking, drinking, or any action that people do. I had people not date me because I smoked. And that's a lot smaller than prostituting oneself. I never had relationships with these people because if someone is choosing to have random sex it says something about their character. Every action makes you the person you are today. So even if the act is in the past, the outcome of it is still in the present.

This thread has turned away from the OP in a way. I think she should tell people she is sexually involved with, outside of prostitution, because of the fact that diseases could be involved. Also, if she is going to be serious with a person, it would be a weight on her not to tell and try to keep a secret. The truth generally comes out sometime anyway. Why do something now that you are certain or might think you will be ashamed of in the future?

That's just my opinion and I'm entitled to it. You've heard of the asshole analogy I'm sure. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and some of them stink more than others. I don't care if you agree or disagree, I just think that people who feel the way I do are being made to feel like there is something wrong with our thinking. We are all different and it would be boring if we all thought the same way.

I don't see the inconsistency. The people we find attractive for long-term romantic relationships are often qualitatively different from those that we find attractive for short-term sexual relationships (whether the relationship is real or fantasy via pornography). It seems reasonable to me that someone could be attracted to promiscuous sexuality in a short-term partner, but not be interested in that same promiscuity in a long-term partner.

Regarding sexual histories: Individuals looking for long-term partners must have some criteria they use to select their partners. I would expect these criteria to be more selective in long-term relationships than in short-term relationships. There area more costs involved in making the wrong decision regarding a long-term partner. Across a variety of domains, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I would guess that a promiscuous sexual history predicts infidelity better than many other relationship variables. If I had the time, I might check existing empirical research.

You are entilted to your opinion and you have the right to offend it. I wasn't singling you out, or anyone else for that matter. I don't think you're wrong. It's your choice. I'm just trying to grasp the understanding of where you're coming from. I'm also putting out scenarios to kind of see why one method of thinking is ok and another is not when they are virtually the same situation.

nothing more.

well, in case anyone cares for my opinion, which...yeah..., i would have much more of a problem with a woman hiding the fact that she was a prostitute than with the fact that she was a prostitute. now obviously, this doesn't mean you have to come out on the first date and be all like, 'Hey, btw...', but if we're talking serious relationship it should all be out. i can imagine marrying someone who was once a prostitute; i can't imagine marrying someone without the mutual knowledge and trust of each other necessary to allow something like this to come out.

then again, i also think prostitution should be legal, so maybe most people have more of a problem with the act itself than I do (i.e., as usual, ymmv). :lol:

Forgive me please for the threadjacking....

But, JinnKai, they ARE someone ELSES mother, daughter, sister, so where is the difference? where is the set standard? It's ok for say MY sister to do it while you sit back and enjoy watching, but not ok for YOUR sister to do it while someone else watches?...Double standard there.....


It all goes to the intent of your actions. If you pay two girls to have sex with each other, and it is NOT filmed for a PROFIT making company, then it is considered prostitution.(even if you video it for your own enjoyment, since the INTENT was not for your profit, it is illegal.) If you pay a person to have sex with YOU, the same standard applies; If you are selling the tape for legitimate profit, it is legal. The illegality comes from offering money for sexual favors when the intent is for self gratification only. MANY prostitutes around the US have been able to find a loophole in the laws BECAUSE of the specific letter of the law....Example: You hire a prostitute to come to your home and pose nude for you. You take photographs(any kind, nudity not required) and you pay her for letting you take the photos....Now neither one of you has broken the law...but the prostitute is SOOO attracted to you that she CHOOSES to have sex with you....since you didn't pay her to have SEX with you, only for the photos, then neither one of you have TECHNICALLY broken the law, but the end result is still the same. This has actually been used as a legal defense in New York and California, and SUCEEDED in winning.

Gotta find the loophole...lol

I'm one of those people who need to know everything about their partners and in turn I open up myself to them. If I found out that my parter had this kind of thing in her past, I don't think that I would be able to let it go off my mind. I would not be able to be with a woman who has practiced prostitution.

Shesus, I hope you were not offended by my comments. To be clear, I do think it's perfectly fine and normal to have arbitrary reasons to not date someone... hell, that's normal. People are human, and it's absolutely necessary and healthy to know one's deal-breaking limits. I think what the OP is trying to figure out is this very issue... what are her limits, and what might be the limits of someone she'd like to marry or date seriously in the future?

My only issue (and not with you) was the inconsistency I saw between people who see prostitution as a deal-breaker (which is valid) and even morally condemn a woman for seeking that job, and yet may very well go support the very same industry of sex-for-money with their own money and/or time. Why the difference? Why not just support someone who once did something that you also enjoyed watching, as long as that person was clean and careful and participated of her own will? (for the record, I am also seeing quite a few people voice that opinion here, and I'm glad for that) :)

I see this as being some kind of cognitive dissonance, double-standard, etc, and it bothers me. It would be like if I refused to date a smoker because that was a deal-breaker for me and I considered it somehow "wrong," but then went out and bought stock in the tobacco industry or something. Maybe a poor analogy, but you get my drift?

Meh, this thread is an interesting discussion, but it is a bit of a threadjack. I retire.

abaya, I see your point. The thing is, despite what my opinions on prostitution are, the simple fact is that I wouldn't want to be with a person who has took part in such a venue. I may not have anything against it, but I simply wouldn't feel comlpetely right being with somebody who had sex for money with many people before me.

The same thoughts apply to your tobacco analogy. I don't like being around people who smoke simply for the fact that I can't stand cigarette smoke. I have no problems, however, with people smoking. It's just a personal preference to not be around smokers while they are in the act.

Please note that I did say "I admit rape is worse that prostitution". What I was trying to equate were two illegal, sexually-oriented pasts. Perhaps I should have said "male prostitute", although most women's impression of that involves Richard Gere and they might not think of it as being that bad. That's why I didn't use it. The thing is, I believe most men probably view a former prostitute with the same unease that most women view former rapists - meaning, most men would find the thought of having sex with them as displeasurable as the later for women. That was the *feeling* I was trying to capture. I was not trying to equate the two in terms of which is more dangerous to society, etc.

Bringing this back to my original post: The only point I am trying to make is that MOST people, when it comes to selecting a spouse, would not accept a past that involved prostitution.

This may be so if you are "shopping" for a husband or wife, but once you are in love with a person you may not find it as easy to summarily reject them on these grounds.

hear hear!!

I agree to a point and notice how many people marry others even when they weren't the "perfect" choice. Perhaps it's because they finally realize that nobody is perfect.

I mean seriously, how many people who think sex for money is wrong (prostitution) wouldn't sleep with a pornstar? I can't say I wouldn't. Hell, most people (women and men) have that one celeb/person that they just want to jump no matter what.

I'm not a romantic, but I'd like to think that once love comes into the picture it releases the "bonds" of mistakes and brings something better about. Actually, I bet that's why I'm married, because if shit I've done in the past really mattered, I would be a lonely man.

It's not wrong to have deal breakers, but IMO it is wrong to say no to someone whom you might care about because of their past especially if you weren't a part of that past.

Why's that wrong? If you'll just be full of negative feelings from it, there are plenty of other people out there that you could care for. When entering a relationship, and indeed at points within, you have to weigh your options. What's wrong with saying the grass is greener over there? As long as it's for a legitimate reason and doesn't become a habit, nothing wrong with switching people. As long as you know what you want in your heart.

I would do it and I would tell those who, when the time was right, needed to know.

The reason I say this is beacuse everything you do becomes part of who you are, so if someone really loves you, they love you for that reason.

If you tell them a secret, that should not be the end of a relationship and, if it is, it is quite possibly something that was not meant to be.

Just my $0.02 worth, YMMV.

Peace,

Pierre

By that logic I should be able to do anything I want to -- - kill someone, for instance, and whoever I date shouldn't leave me when she finds out because having killed that guy is a part of me and if she really loves me. . ..

There are many, MANY people who cannot bring themselves to love a prostitute or a former prostitute. I strongly suspect randygurl is one of those people, and it would certainly suck to go through the rest of your life hating yourself for what you did because working retail was too hard.

Well, for one, prostitution is not the same as killing someone. Killing someone intentionally, that is. Murder. Most people would see a grave difference just on the self-defensive level alone.

My point is that once you are in love, many people find it very easy to accept the flaws and foibles in that person's past. Especially in this case in which the OP is describing a temporary situation (the vagary of her choice to stop when she intended to notwithstanding). But very rarely is this something you will find out from someone on the first few dates. At least, I wouldn't tell someone I was seeing casually.

As for the question of money, it is not that working retail is too hard...it is the AMOUNT of money in comparison to working retail, I am sure. You've already labeled prostitutes as unmarryable - at least by you. No need to call them lazy, too. :p

Once again, she should refrain from going through with this because she feels compunction about how it will affect her emotionally, mentally - her OWN feelings of self-worth. Not because someone won't love her. Someone will.

Just to clarify - I work as a receptionist in a law firm not in retail!

If you had checked my profile, you would have seen that.....

I agree with Sultana 100% If it doesnt feal right don't do it

I have no need to hide anything from my bf. There's only one thing in my life that I've kept completely private, but even while we were just getting to know each other, I felt I should let him know, so I did, and there was no issue with it. Why hide something? If you feel like you trust the person well enough, and you see yourself with this person for a long time, then just tell them. They may not like it at first, but eventually they'll be glad you were honest with them. Just my 2 cents.

My apologies for getting your job wrong. However, I very much doubt that I'm alone in the fact that I do not check the profiles of everyone in the thread every time I reply. If it's important information for the topic, it should be included in the OP.

If you have this much concern about it, I'd say that you're already (rightly) telling yourself not to do it, especially because it's just for money, whatever the amount (well, almost).

There have to be other ways to get the cash you need, whether it's eating out less, buying fewer clothes, dry-cleaning less, or asking for a raise. But earning a bit extra shouldn't be this harrowing and shouldn't be such that it makes you concerned about future relationships/marriage.

Good luck and do let us know how it goes.

It wasn't initially important information for the topic until it was assumed that I had simply found my job 'too hard' and was looking for an easy way to make more money. I have a great job and make decent money but because of recent circumstances (none of which I'm going to go into right now) I need to make some extra cash right now. Hence the proposed plan. I am not lazy and did not come about this situation easily, please do not assume that is the case.

nevermind.

Have you considered giving plasma? I hear that pays pretty well.

You have to have "big veins" for that, not hard for guys, usually not possible with ladies.

Ask me how I know. :lol:

This topic is very interesting. I have never walked in mid process while someone decides whether or not they are going to be a prostitute.

I would not do it. In my opinion it would only degrade your self worth and lead to further emotional problems and like your teeth you only have one set of adult emotions. Plus I've heard that it's hard to enjoy sex after you do that kind of stuff. I'm interested in how you came to option and for some reason what you look like.

Well I haven't gone down this particular avenue yet but I think I can understand why it might be hard to enjoy sex after you've taken this step. The only reason I even started thinking about this was that my roommate was approached on the bus for this very service and through subseqent discussions, we thought this might be a profitable idea. I think we've both since decided that its not for us...

Glad to hear it, randygurl. I think ya'll made the right decision.

And, DaElf, you brought up a couple of very salient points. Food for thought.

I "pity the fool" who gives money for sex, but not nearly as much as I do the one who takes it. Be careful, your life is, y'know, all you have for sure.

I think of it this way. If there is something you can live with doing, then a person whom you want to be with would have to accept that.

If I was comfortable enough to do what you were solicited to do then my SO would have to be comfortable with it as well, or else she wouldn't be the kind of person I'm looking for.

Perhaps it is just the brutal honesty of the sex for money situation that makes such automatic condemnation of it justifiable. As has been said, this does happen often enough with anyone going home with a stranger from a bar. You can't tell me that an emotionally healthy man or woman has not gone out with the specific intention to have sex with an unknown person. Perhaps it is just as self-destructive an option as when money changes hands to make it happen. But would you lecture them to look in the mirror each morning and call him or herself a whore? You should see Tucker Max. :/
There is a reason that prostitution is the oldest profession. There are many, many persons (let's face it, mainly women) who are coerced or otherwise driven by circumstance to exchange sexual favours for money. But what is going too far? What if the 'service' went no further than just fooling around with the girl and giving a BJ to the guy? Would penetration be the ultimate psychological trauma and seed of regret? There are some people who choose to fuck for money, whether they be porn stars, hookers or gold diggers. Porn stars get fans, gold diggers get E! reality shows, hookers are morally corrupt scum. (to go to extreme lengths of hyperbole)
Obviously this situation is resolved, and I wouldn't have suggested prostitution as the ultimate resolution. But it's an option she is free to choose.

As for telling it all to a partner... this kind of scenario is on par with fucking around in any situation (though a bit variable depending on the clientèle). Anything that may bring risk to a sexual partner should be in the open. A former romantic interest of mine keeps getting check-ups regularly, even when not sexually active, mainly due to past... risky activities.

Meh, my mind is failing. Just remember, harlots need love too.

Those of you who have read my previous posts may know that in a time of financial desperation I faced a similar dilemma. I quote:

Now I realise that there are some girls who manage to participate in this industry and live healthy lives, seemingly unaffected by it. I'm not one of them, and I wish to God that I could undo it... it's not the only thing I've done that's messed me up, but it certainly broke a few boundaries and is a big part of it.

Sounds like you made the right choice. The fact that your roommate was approached on a bus would turn me off to the idea of that. Any "reputable" escort agency would probably have nicer recruiting methods.