Would you tell?
 

My question is both specific and general...

If you had a secret in your life and you found yourself seriously involved with someone (even to the point of marriage) would you tell them?

Lets say this secret involved something that happened in another life (something you've moved on from and put behind you completely). Would you feel compelled to be entirely open and honest with your SO - so that they truly know everything about you, or would you just keep that part of your life hidden and seperate?

What if you knew for sure that they would not approve of said secret or past actions...?

I would love to hear responses to the above question because it is in a general form but I have also phrased it in a specific sense below...

The situation is this:
My roommate and I have been given an opportunity to make a little extra cash (which would be SERIOUSLY welcomed right now) and I am having some qualms about it, in that I worry about the lasting effects on my emotional well-being and the effects on future relationships.

If I do said venture (it is sexually orientated), will I be able to keep it a secret from the man I eventually marry, or even the next guy I get really serious with?

In my mind, it will have been a huge thing from my past (not something I'll easily forget) and something I would feel compelled to share. In past relationships, my SO's have known everything about me - I have held nothing back. Would it be fair to my future SO's to keep this from them. Or am I only opening myself up to heartache, knowing that if I were to tell, I run the very real risk of losing this person (or in the very least, seriously affecting how they view me) ?

All is asked hypothetically as I have neither taken this course of action, nor do I have a SO at the moment to consider.

So my question remains - would you tell? :confused:

I wouldn't do the deed. "a little extra cash" is not worth it. That way you don't have to worry about your peace of mind in the future, and believe me when I tell you, peace of mind is worth far more than money. Money is relatively easy to come by. A clear conscience is a lifetime's worth of effort, and is rewarded accordingly.

Well, I am the type of person who needs to tell all. If not, I feel very disingenuous to the person I am with. I need them to know all the little sordid details about me so that they know what they are in for, and so that I know that they have freely chosen to be with me, with as much knowledge as possible about me.

Although, in response to your question, I guess you're talking about something you haven't done yet, and about telling someone you haven't even met yet? Am I following? And the only thing that is preventing you from doing it is your fear of telling your husband about it many years down the road? (What if you met the man of your dreams next year, btw? Would you be "over" it by then?)

I guess what I am asking is, are you really scared about "telling" someone later, or are you scared of actually doing this deed? I'm not sure if I'm clear on your actual hold-up. If you think it's going to affect your emotional well-being negatively, well hell, that should be your #1 reason for not doing it, right there. No need to consider a future spouse's reaction if you yourself don't feel 100% thrilled (which is how you should feel, if this is REALLY something you WANT to do). Just my opinion.

Sounds to me like you are worried enough about this action on your own without having to worry also about telling someone else. I don't think that is a good sign. Whatever it is, I wouldn't do it.

I agree with everyone else here. It sounds like you don't want to do this. If you have to ask about something like this then chances are you aren't prepared for the consequences.

To answer your question more directly, I have no secrets from my wife. Including past sexual encounters that stray pretty far from the norm.

what's in a person's past is in the past and mostly should stay there... there are some things about me that are just no one's business but my own... and I'm OK with that... but if you aren't ok with it -then the immediate reward isn't worth the long term risk

Yes - this 'action' would only last for the next couple of months or so. No, I haven't done any of it yet (am only considering at this point). I am scared about both wanting to tell someone in the future - because like you, I normally tell my SO's everything - and about their reaction. All of which would contribute to an effect on my emotional well-being. Its not something I WANT to do - not many people desire to take this course of action - but rather something I would do, to take advantage of the pay off...

a little secret never hurt anyone as long as you can deal with it yourself


I'm guessing you were asked to do a photoshoot or perform at a club?

I'll concur with most everyone else on this one. If this is giving you mental, moral, ethical qualms (which it seems is obvious) then don't do it. It's not worth it. In the future, any monetary gain will be gone and forgotten. Money comes and goes like water. But regret or doubt can be very hard to shake off, especially if it involves a possible dilemma for you in a future relationship. I've found in my 41 years on the planet thus far that the less secrets you have the better. And we all have some, it's near impossible to not accumulate some secrets in our lives, but some have more magnitude and carry more risk than others. If you're worried about this being a thorn in your side in the future then don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Good luck, babe.

Okay I know it's not really any of our buisness but c'mon, you can't just say you were asked to 'something sexual' for some extra cash and not tell us at least a little detail


And back you your question.

I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life. Some stuff I won't even admit to here and I've admited to a lot of shit here. But I can live with it all. I don't look at them as bad things, I look at them as lessons. If whatever you're gonna do doesn't kill you, it should be looked at as something to learn from. If you wanna tell someone else about it in hopes they can learn from you...


You get what I'm trying to say. Do it. Live your life for now, not two years from now.

The 'action' would be that of sexual hookups (everything from BJ's to FS) with a girlfriend (thus the appeal of a duo). Everything would be done through an online ad...

Okay... apart from the future, how do you FEEL about this? I mean, let's say you knew you were going to die in a few months, for whatever reason. Would doing this help you feel more fulfilled, more alive? Or would it be something that you regretted and made you feel like you had wasted the last months of your life?

What I am asking is for you to forget about the "shame" factor, and just try to figure out what appeals to you about this. If it is TRULY only the money, then I say NO, don't do it. There are other places to get money, alright? But if the idea of having sex for money is something that turns you on, something that just totally gets you going, then maybe that is the reason you want to do it... and I would say that is pretty much valid, as far as I know.

Don't let fears of "no money" drive you to do something you aren't comfortable with... but on the other hand, if it's not about the money, don't let fears of a future, frowning husband keep you from doing something that you really WANT to do. It really depends on your motives.

And no matter who you marry or end up with long-term, I would expect that they would understand your motives more than anyone else. It's not as if you'd be cheating on them; you're single now, correct? But here is another thought: would you want to know if your husband had done something like this? What would you think about him, if you did? I think that's where your answer lies...

No judgement here at alll.... but...

Something like that could affect your sexual health in the future - -nothing is 100 percent effective against STDs... and since there's money involved - a solicitation bust could go on your permanent record.

How would you be screening these hookups?

Unless your anxieties stem from yourself and not actually from a yet-extant partner, then I see nothing unhealthy about going into it, in the manner you seem to be worrying about, especially if you enjoy sex a great deal. But Mal is absolutely right, there are some risks involved when it comes to physical health.

King's said some sagacious shit as long as I've seen his posts... but this is up there. Live your life for yourself, because you're not going to get another go at it.

If you've a serious boyfriend or husband down the line that you love, you're going to have to share everything you've got. If they can't handle your past and its impact on the present, where does that leave your future with them?

um...prostitution? I would never do that. I'm flat broke right now and wouldn't even consider doing that. Diseases? Disgusting people? Go to a page of guys who get busted in prostitution stings...do you want to have to do things with them? Seriously, I wouldn't even be concerned about having to tell a future SO because you'd have to tell and be tested regularly for diseases. It's only fair to the guy's health.

It sounds like you really don't want to do it either. I think that you are looking at the wrong issue. Don't worry about what others think in the future..what do you think right now? You have to live with yourself. Of course, it's your choice, but I would seriously look at what you are doing. I had a few friends that took the route you are looking down. Led to nothing but trouble...drug addiction, diseases, and heartache. One even committed suicide. Money is not worth it believe me. I have learned that putting yourself in a bad situation just to make money is not worth it. I'd rather be poor and happy with my choices in life.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I wouldn't do it for a "little extra cash" but everyone has a price... is the amount of money worth it? To me, anything you do and get paid for is a job. It wouldn't really affect my emotional well being because at the end of the day, it's a paycheck in exchange for a service performed (no pun intended). But it's never just about only YOUR emotional well being, it's your family, friends, and future significant others and what they would think.

If you do go ahead with it (and think about it seriously before you decide) then it's no ones business but yours. Assuming it's a safe environment and you don't end up with some sort of STD, your future boyfriend doesn't need to know at all. I don't think they really need or want to know about every single odd job you've ever done for a little extra cash so this is no different.

Thanks everyone for your input - you've definitely made me look at this from the right angles.

The motive would be purely for the money. There is nothing that turns me on about having sex for money....

And I know that while the money would be REALLY nice right now - I would have a hard time not thinking about what it took to get that money in the first place...

I think I already know how I'm going to act, but it was helpful to hear other people's input - keep it coming :)

I see this issue broken into a few pieces: (1) do you have to tell your future SO everything? (2) is this the sort of thing that if you did it you'd feel you have to tell your SO? (3) if it is, is that a reason not to do it?

To my way of thinking the answers are: (1) no, not necessarily, but different people feel differently about this. Carly Simon once did a song called "No Secrets" (title song on the album that featured "You're so Vain"). The song was about exactly this issue.

(2) this is a somewhat different issue - would you feel that this specific thing is something you'd be obligated to tell? I don't think you have any way to know that right now. You don't know how you'll feel about it in the future, you don't know what sort of person or who your future SO will be or how he'll react, you don't know whether it'll turn out to be the sort of thing you really can keep secret anyway. This one is unknowable.

(3) This one is the key issue. If you think doing this would put a serious kink in your future ability to live with yourself or to have a healthy relationship, it's simply not worth it -- certainly not for a few bucks. As the other people have pointed out, money is replaceable. You can't buy your way out of regrets, bad memories or adverse experiences -- all you can do is assimilate them and move on. But your question assumes that you won't find it easy to move on. So then why put yourself in the situation where you have something that it's best to move on from?

This is your answer, right here. Don't do it, then.

1. If you don't think you can ever tell him, it's more than just a secret.

2. This kind of money isn't granted for the act; it's a bandage for your mind, and almost always a poor one. Which is why it's so often converted directly to coke and heroine, the currencies of self-destructive risk.

3. I can almost gaurantee you that it wouldn't stop here. Ask any stripper how they got started, and they'll probably give you the same story that you just gave us.

4. Good luck.

I think this has been said above but the only thing that should affect your decisions is how they make you feel. Later on down the road when you are done with this job and meet someoen you truly love they will accept hearing this if they truly love you back.

It sounds like you don't want to do this "extra job", you should weigh your options when it comes to money. Maybe borrow from someone, but if your gut is telling you not to, I would listen. As others mentioned, your health is of utmost importance.

everyone has a price, but I wouldnt get into something that you'll regret later on. chances are, you probably wont be getting paid enough to justify the risks (jail time/weird sexual abuse).

if you look decent, get into stripping. IMO, its probably a much safer venture.

If you like him now, you should see what he was like before you joined (and before the server crash.) Those were the good old days.

Look in the mirror, say, "I am going to be a prostitute," and see how you feel about yourself. You won't let yourself say it and you won't let yourself do this.

If you can help it, even if it means living worse off, then don't do it. It seems clear to me that the fact you have posted this here is because you have serious qualms about doing it. It's a very big step, and one that will probably mark you for life, in a negative way, since you haven't even done anything yet and you seem to feel bad already.

Separately, in your question about having secrets with your SO, then I would say that if it's something big, they should probably know, but if it's something small, it's up to you. For me, telling all hasn't always been the right choice. No-one ever really knows you completely, not even yourself. Also if you have nothing left to tell, life will become pretty boring fast.

If the secret was "I used to have sex with nasty men for money", then I think probably he should know. It's the sort of thing that could compromise his health, and also it's too big a secret to not come out on its own over time. Better to tell him before someone else does.

good god....

Are you starving? Owe money to gangsters? Living in a van down by the river? Mom dying of something and you need money for medicine?

If not, why would you even consider this? Get a part time job somewhere, I assume you are in school, which is why money is tight, do you currently have a job?

Is couple hundred (or thousand?) dollars right now worth having to tell the man you want to marry that you once sold your ass like a whore on the corner? I am sorry to be blunt, but that is what some people might think, regardless of what it means to you now, think about telling your children down the road that "mommy used to be a hooker, but it's ok, because it was just for money".

Even if I loved a girl with all my heart, and thought about spending my life with her, I would leave her if she dropped that bombshell on me a year or so into our relationship. It's not like working at hooters, or stripping. There is no way you can justify it.

my 2 cents, sorry it was so harsh.

What's a little cash for your self respect? The cash is always worth doing anything you think you shouldn't. No matter how unethical it is, the money more than makes up for it right?? (sorry just a little sarcasm)

If you're totally uneasy about it, then the answer should be no. Short story: a girl friend of mine, who I knew for several years, one day said while she was away at a "christian" college started dancing for money. It was great until the "dean" happened to go there and see her. She had to quit school (of course I don't have all the details as to why).

I guess what I'm saying is, it may seem okay, until someone you know finds out, or you tell the wrong person what you're doing or have done, and then you're looked at differently.
Do what you feel is right.

Life has a funny way of not letting you forget the past, no matter how hard you try. Sure you may be able to keep it a secret for a while, but anytime there are other people involved its not likely to stay a secret for very long.
And you have no idea how something like this might bite you in the ass in the future.

I am more concerned about the fact that you would contemplate doing something that would affect your "emotional wellbeing" ---there comes a point when money isn't everything.

hehehe...


When you're done with that, substitute the word prostitute with "whore" and try it again. I'm not saying you're a whore- but believe me, you'll be saying it to yourself later. The odds that you walk away totally unscathed- both physically (disease or abuse) and mentally- are not in your favor at all.

Also: forget about future men down the line. Worry about your own psyche and health for the moment.

Also also: if one of your biggest personal supporting arguments is "it's just for the money", consider what that means. What else would you do for money? Would you kill a person for money? Would you stab a child in the face for money? Think about the absurdity of saying something is ok just because you're being compensated, then think about whether or not what you're being given is worth what you're potentially losing. :)

And if you do finally take this gig, bring a big guy with a gun everywhere you two go. The world is full of whackos.

Okay, I am just going to list my knee-jerk reactions and you can take them for what they are worth (exactly 2 pennies, last I checked.)

1) "What is the going rate for self-respect?"
2) As unlikely as it may sound today, some day you might run for office and these people will come out of the woodworks to ruin your life. Just look at what happened to Clinton, Foley, Jesse Jackson, John Kerry, etc.
3) Don't live today at the expense of tomorrow.
4) I am decent man; I am an EXCELLENT husband. Having said that, I would not entertain the possibility of having sex with, dating, or marrying a current or former prostitute. I would imagine that most decent men out there would feel the same. So, you are limiting the ponds you can fish in later in life.
5) Never go into business with your roommate: if the business fails, neither of you can pay rent. Hence, even if you hate the work and want out, neither of you can quit, ESPECIALLY if it is a "duo" act. You will lay guilt on each other to keep the other going and that will only lead to bad feelings.
6) Nothing good will come out of this.
7) You are a bright and courageous person for accepting advice before making a decision.

Best wishes.

wow I had a really long post all written up but then my server decided to crash and I lost it (argh) - will write more when I get back from my lunch break :)

I think the general consensus here is don't do it if you have any feelings of self worth as a person at all.

Either way, it will ruin you.

huh. I would think that a decent man would be willing to forgive people's pasts. What good does living in the past do? Live your life how you want/need and have fun. And anyone who is sitting here saying it will ruin you and all that.. how many of you watch porn/buy porn?? Same thing really. What's the difference (with the exception of testing) between a porn star and a street hooker? They both get paid to fuck.

Bottom line is this randy... live your life how you think you should. If you don't think you should do it because you can't handle it or you're worried about it, then don't. If you think it would be a good thing for you then try it.

Funny, I was just logging in to post similar thoughts about this issue. I'm actually pretty shocked at the responses of most people... even though some of them make sense, plenty of you all are getting downright moralistic on randygurl.

What if she was posting about becoming a porn actress? Or a stripper? Would you all (especially men) condemn her just as roundly as you have done regarding becoming a prostitute? Or would you find it sexy and say, "Go for it, baby, that's hot... can we see on Exhibition?" Most importantly, would you "refuse to marry" someone who had that kind of history as well, or is being a stripper or porn star somehow more removed than being a prostitute? I really don't see the difference, whatsoever.

This is what I don't understand about the whole sex industry. Why all the double-standards? If you wouldn't want your wife, girlfriend, daughter, or mother doing that kind of thing, why do you support it with your money, time, or energy?

I am certainly not anti-porn, or even anti-prostitution or stripping... but there is a vast continuum of ethics in this industry. Ethically-produced porn (especially woman-directed), where no one is addicted to anything or getting all manner of STD's, is awesome in my book. I would buy all porn videos made in that manner, if I had the money! It's great stuff, gets me hot as hell just the same as any other porn. As for stripping or prostitution... take a European country, for example, where prostitutes are unionized and the job is seen as valid and a conscious choice for many women. Very different approach than the American one.

I guess what I am incensed about is the fact that when most people use porn, I highly doubt they are considering these kinds of high-level issues such as "self-respect" or "disease transmission" or "this is like stabbing a child in the face for money." No, most people (including quite a few people on this thread, I'm sure) just sit there and get off, and are just glad they don't have to come home to that slut and get all her diseases and buy her drugs. She's someone else's business... literally.

/marches off soapbox.

Because the one's doing it aren't my wife, girlfriend, or daughter.

prostitution is illegal - porn is not - and that's the big difference as far as I'm concerned

If you really want to do it for the cash, give er. It willn ot be like oyu are cheating on anyone or you will have to lie in the future. If you chose not to tell someone about your past it's your decision. If you think you can handle keeping a secret then it not a problem. If you really had to tell someone you could tell random people who do not know you on a forum.

Ahhh, mal, you can't get off that easily. The OP is from Canada where prostitution is not illegal.

So what if you're in a country where both are legal? Then what?

And the bigger question: Does the fact that an act is legal make it right? Does illegality equal immorality?

I think the most pressing issue, the issue randygurl came here with, is the matter of how she feels about this now and how she is speculating she will feel in the future. Any opinions about the morality or legality of it are kind of irrelevant. Not the point.

And speaking just for myself. I couldn't imagine having something like this in my past and not telling a long-term committed partner about it. I don't consider that a choice. I would feel dishonest. I suspect randygurl feels at least somewhat this way, too.

And one more thing, I was never a prostitute nor a stripper or porn star, but I do have sexual adventures in my past that might strike some people as unacceptable. But in both of my long-term relationships with men I have always been honest about my past and never been rejected for it. Someone who truly loves you will understand, accept and continue loving you. Like so many people have said before, the real issue is how YOU will be able to accept and rationalize a decision to go through with it. It seems to me though, that maybe you had your mind made up before you came here.