Smooth23

Okay, I know I only seem to post about my not-quite relationship problems, but whatever. If you are only going to criticize, please dont respond at all.

So heres the deal. I met a girl online that lives an hour away from me. We talked on the phone for 6 hours one night, then went out the next night and spent 6 or so hours together. The thing is, she is living with her boyfriend, but working on moving out and is going to break up with him. So we've been talking pretty much whenever we can for the past week, with plans to go out tomorrow. Today she tells me that she's decided once she breaks up, she wants to date for awhile before getting another relationship. She knows I'd like to try more than a casual dating thing with her. I'm cool with going slow and letting her take her time to get over her ex, but my question is this: How do I keep her fully interested in me when she is 'just dating' so when she wants a relationship I get her. I know she feels strongly for me already, I just dont want to have her jump for another guy just because they are closer and get to spend more time with her, things like that.

PredeconInferno

My advice is to keep doing what you're already doing.

It's clear from what you've said that she already likes you. Not only that, she has "strong" feelings for you. With that in mind, it's pretty clear she's probably going to stick around for you for a while. I think the best thing for you to do is grant her wish... if she's anywhere near intelligent she's going to realize you didn't press and push and that'll earn you more points.

I think you should make sure she's broken up with her boyfriend before you actually decide to do anything intimate with this woman. If she's beholden to someone else at the time of your "connection" then you dishonor yourself, and more importantly you dishonor her. That's the type of behavior I cannot abide by.

Good luck with everything, though.

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Carno

Hah!

What really makes you think that she won't cheat on you when she is tired of the hour commute every time she wants to see you?

But really, why are you going on dates with someone who has a boyfriend? Do you plan on helping her cheat too?

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Willravel

You only want positive feedback? That's not going to help at all.

She's cheating on her boyfriend with you, and you are aware of it. You're both wrong, and, as pointed out by Carno, any relationship that develops out of this will undoubtedly become one of affairs and cheating and mistrust.

Smooth23

dont just want positive feedback, I just dont want any people commenting on the fact I always seem to have girl problems, other than that i'm good with anything

Willravel

OH, gotcha. Yeah, she sounds like trouble. I've never been with a cheater or cheated in my life. I'd avoid it at all costs.

World's King

Don't ever get involved with someone that is already involved with someone else.


If she was looking for someone new while she was with her boyfriend she is gonna do the same thing to you. You are never going to keep her interested. She's a 'grass is greener' type of person.

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Xera

if you date a cheater, you get a cheater.

If you happen to want to keep her interest for any length of time, then like PredeconInferno said, just keep doing what you're doing, she seems to be liking that.

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Aro23

hopefully karma doesn't get to you, but it always does, so think before you decide if you want to be cheated on

Average_Joe

If your looking to keep her interested in you, just makes sure she always knows how interested you are in her. Don't let her forget about you, so call, text, or e-mail her every so often.

If you are truly the person she wants to be with next, she won't let you slip away.

analog

Yeah...

Your only saving grace might be that she's already cut herself off from that relationship, and is only still there because she's quickly trying to hash out the living situation without getting tossed on the street.

You also have the positive that she's not looking to jump right into another relationship. That's a positive in a general sense because it lets you know you're not just the next best thing, but a negative because you do stand a chance of "losing her" (though I think most of us would argue she's not "yours" to "lose").

If you really believe what she has with the other guy is over, and she's covering her time so she can move out without being kicked out, you may have a shot. Good luck.

JamesB

Dude the tramp will do the same thing to you as she is doing to her current BF.

Run.

There are more women out there!

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yournamehere

I stopped reading at "living with her boyfriend."

Leave.
Now.

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surferlove007

I would say just make sure you don't get too attached to her, I know this sounds totally corny but I see it as the Pokemon gameboy game. You have her in site in an open field with many other girls around, however you're throwing a ball out to catch her and hopefully keep her, but its up to her and if she is strong enough to get caught with you (get in a new relationship) or toss the ball aside (she needs more time/wants to play the field before commitment) and make you keep trying to get her. If that even makes sense? Anyhow, just don't invest too much hope because it could all go wrong. When we girls break up with people who have been in our lives for a while it takes a good chunk of time to get over it and move on because we're just complicated like that, so like the others said give her plenty of space in her bubble, don't press anything on her, let it be her idea but be certain to let her know you're still thinking of her so when she is ready to be "caught" you won't be hurt or shot down.
Best of luck! These situations are rough because a persons mental state is kind of funky, but just do the best you can, remember to stay happy, YOU are number one in your life. Don't pull out too many stops too early.
Good luck! Hope you understood my funky thing earlier!

Smooth23

Yeah I understand ghoastgirl, and trust me.. I'm trying. This girl is totally engulfing my brain though, at least I wont be too suprised if I get hurt(and therefore, hopefully not to hurt), cause I know its a big possibility. I keep thinkin she is better than that though. I hope so, she seems to be.

JamesB

Of course you WANT to think that, Smoth23 - it better fits what is you are hoping for.

Reality is that she will do the same thing to you once she becomes bored.

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pig

Smooth,

Listen to the people. I started to type some more words, but there is no point.



You can't predict how to keep her interested for several months while she meets unknown numbers and qualities of other guys. Roll the dice. Don't get hung up on her...like it sounds like you're in the middle of doing. Date someone else, masturbate at regular intervals, take breakdancing lessons, whatever. This is a bad idea.

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bunny1321

You should give her some time to feel out her feelings. She likes you, but it's like she's not quite ready to commit.

IT2002

You hit it right on the nose. People like her are always looking to "trade up". People like that can't stay in commited relationships because there will always be somebody that appears better. Often times, people like this will mistake "new" for "better". They never are truly happy.

jerseyboy

No touching until the boyfriend is out of the picture. That is of course unless he is smaller than you and you could take him on.

Smooth23

Well, the boyfriend is out of the picture... I did no touchy till he was.. and I had a foot and 50 pounds on him.

World's King

You got in a fight with the ex?

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cybersharp

a foot and 50 pounds? ehhh... I have no problem dealing with people a foot and 50 pounds bigger than me ^.^, size isnt everything you know! ...

so any more info on this story? I would warn you to be carefull with her... like all the others said....or... you can start running now? =p GLuck

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snowy

I'm just gonna quote what will said, cause he got it spot on. This girl is not someone you want to get involved with if you're looking for something serious. She will cheat on you, no doubt about it.

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Kaliena

On the whole "once a cheater always a cheater" crap, that's crap. I'm sorry, I was the girl in her situation before I can tell you exactly what it was:

I wasn't satisfied with the boy I was with, and yes, I did do the same thing for awhile. Until I met the right guy. That all stopped cold Turkey and it's Two years plus and counting.

Please don't use cliche statements and apply it to a situation. I realize that a lot of times, the cheating does continue to occur, etc etc, and the cliche isn't around for no reason but at the same time, PEOPLE DO CHANGE.

Keep that in mind.

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IT2002

Congrats on your two-years plus and counting.

I would say though, that because you haven't lost interest in this guy yet(it has only been two years), you haven't addressed the issue of how you would leave this guy if you did. I haven't heard you dispute the "once a cheater, always a cheater".

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Kaliena

Well, to dispute that, I can say there have been times that I have lost interest, the relationship became complicated, it didn't have the same flair as it once did, it didn't feel even and there wasn't a way that I could find to fix it... all the usual reasons that I bailed/cheated/went hunting.

Also, I lose interest in relationships much earlier than two years, so that time frame isn't something to dismiss.

However, the reason that I didn't go hunting for a new one is because this time, I felt the relationship was different and that he was a person i didn't want to let down/be unfaithful to. I felt like it was something I wanted to fight for and make it work out, and we did make it through those times.

I'm just saying that with cheaters, at least this one anyway, that sometimes finding the right person is the reason the person stops cheating. I can't say that with the original poster's situation that there is some way to detect that (other then encouraging her to be straight forward with him and not getting upset when she does) but I am saying that just because she cheated, doesn't mean she's a lost cuase.

After all, plenty of people go all the way, get married, have several years together and then end up cheating.

There is no guarentee.

I hope this clarification helps. I just wanted to make sure he didn't just go "oh yeah, cheater means bad person, can never reform" and ditch the whole situation. I do believe it's something to keep in mind, but the whole black balling because of the cheating thing, I think is a bit extreme.

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Sultana

Her entire post disputes the saying. People do change.

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Nimetic

It's a cliche statement, true - but I personally blackball people for this. At least until they improve their record or average.

It's sorta like, sure people can change. But then again that's not the sort of thing that I like to depend upon. The job description for a partner should not include "could be honest in the future". IMHO that is.

So yeah. I'd maybe reconsider this person down the track.

IT2002

She hasn't grown bored with this guy yet. So we don't really know if she has changed. That is all I am saying. I am not saying that she hasn't changed. I am just saying that we don't know for sure.

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Smooth23

No, almighty king, I didn't get in a fight with her ex, and dont plan on it if I can help it. She knows I want to stay out of anything to do with her ex or past relationships.. just saying if it came down to it it wouldn't be a problem, and no I wont humor any more questions about whether or not I can kick his ass.

Kaliena

Fair enough, and that's totally cool. I just wanted to make sure that the whole cliche wasn't the ruling verdict.

Actually, in my second clarification, I said that I have gotten bored. We've run into the ruts before, everything routine, nothing new exciting. And we're working on it. Because I want this to work.

That's the difference.

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IT2002

I guess I should substitute "decided to leave this guy" instead of "grown bored with this guy". Sure, if you spend enough time with a person, you will have periods of boredom. Obviously you haven't chosen to leave this guy. I am glad that you are working on it. I would submit that you must not be too bored or else you wouldn't want it to work. I hope things turn out well for you.

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Smooth23

Can I also add, that the reason this girl was wanting to leave this guy was because everyone she knew was telling her too, and she ended up realizing everyone was right. He was severely mentally abusing her. I can't even count the number of times she's called me up crying, telling me what nasty thing that asshole said to her.

IT2002

I believe you. I've received those calls from various women. Been there, done that, have a closet full of T-shirts.

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Nimetic

I think that there's a point where you loose the original excitement. But at the same time - there's a closeness that comes about from knowing a person for a while and travelling through life with them, problems or not.

Maybe what matters is the degree to which you crave excitement (of a new partner) versus the amount of enjoyment you get from the closeness you have with the current one.

macmanmike6100

it's strange (or not, perhaps) but stealing someone out of a relationship usually ends badly, even in china where a friend of mine has been dealing with a similar issue, except he's a little further down the line than you. he 'stole' her, screwed her, and now she's metaphorically screwing him, by staying in touch with her ex and, apparently, courting other guys.

anyway, stay the course, i suppose, but with caution.

Lindy

I agree, but some young people seem to find a new love every year or two. It's just part and parcel of impetuous youthful behavior. Been there, done that. But if someone is in their mid-thirties and still playing the cheating game, it's probably a pretty firmly established part of their personality.
Hope does spring eternal, and if we find a person to be interesting and/or attractive we all really want to believe that somehow we will be the caboose on the end of the cheatin' train, not just another car in the middle. Although people certainly can and do change, the best predictor that we have of future behavior is . . . . past behavior.
Lindy

Ourcrazymodern?

Does anybody else think all this talk of cheating is a little beside the point?
Especially since the "injured" party is out of the picture? Cheating to me implies some concept of ownership, and while marriage may have it I wonder if "relationships" on the verge of breaking up do?
Smooth23, I'd say follow your heart, but guard it well! Good luck.

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The_Jazz

In my experience, it's a very bad idea to date someone who's living with a current or even ex-boyfriend. I did that once in college, even though it was common knowledge that they had broken up and were living together only because they gamed the dorm system prior to the breakup. It was akward at best.

The most recent experience that I had well over 10 years ago and ended up with at least a couple of broken hearts, some broken furniture and electronics, a big dry-cleaning bill and several nights in jail. Sometimes the other party in the relationship doesn't quite realize that it's over for their partner.

Regardless, good luck whatever you decide to do. Although I do have to say that I'd sort of miss the biweekly posting of the problems in your love life.

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