blahblah454

Okay thats a pretty bad title but its all I could think of at the moment. Here is my bind: Me and the girl have been having great sex for a about 6 months or so, like 3 times a day sex. We had sex pretty much all the time. She is still interested in sex like that but lately I find I am not, we now have sex about once or twice a month and I sleep there almost every night.

The thing is she doesn't do anything to lead up to sex, she likes sex and only sex. She won't let me get her off by fingering her, she won't let me go down on her, she won't give me a hand job or a blow job... not even for 5 seconds to get things started. I have talked to her about it and she tells me that me going down on her is gross because she pees down there, girls bleed down there, discharge, blah blah blah stuff like that. I tell her WHO CARES! People do wash and I think she tastes great, she still doesn't let me. She won't let me finger her because she says she would rather me get her off for real (as in my penis), I tell her yea thats great and all but sometimes I just really don't want to have sex, plus I love the feeling of fingering a woman and it turns me on like crazy.

Now on my side, she won't give me a handjob or a blowjob because she says penis' are gross. They pee out of them, they have precome (which I have alot of, makes sex great though) and they explode all over when they are done. I mean she won't hardly even touch it, if I even suggest it she gets mad at me. If she is on top she won't even reach back and put me in her, I have to do it every time.

Because of this I have pretty much completely lost interest in sex, I love being with her. I love going out with her, cudling with her, doing whatever. But when the time comes for bed I just go to sleep cause thats all I want. Lately she has been getting mad at me because we never have sex anymore and I tell her that it is because she never pays attention to me in that way and I feel like she doesnt even want it or care. And thats true, I have lost pretty much all sex drive because she won't even touch me there.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Before it was kind of irritating but we would still have sex alot, but now it is just irritating me and makes me not even want to have sex.

More about me and the girl. We have been best friends for about 3 years now, officially dating for 6 months and were unofficially dating for another 6 months before that. She tells me she is in love with me and has been since pretty close to the day she met me. She was even going to move 3 provinces away to go back with her family but then she met me and didn't move. I am crazy about her and could honestly see myself marrying her, but that one thing.

***Wrote this tonight, tell me if I should give it to her or change it at all***

"I am nuts about you (NAME), so completely crazy about you. I want to be with you, but one thing has got me thinking lately. You say sex is a big thing in a relationship, and it is a big thing. Lately I have been wondering a lot about it and where we are in it. Right now I see you not ever wanting to touch me or let me even touch you. It does seem like you are interested in only the one part of sex. Sex is so much more than just actual penetration; it involves everything leading up to it, hands and mouths, kissing and everything. It is also more than just a physical act, its a complete emotional bonding as well. Without any of that it loses its meaning and pleasure.

I am guessing that lately you have probably noticed how we have not been having sex. When I try anything or ask you about touching me there or anything you just clam up and tell me that it’s gross, you tell me that penis’ are not sexy and are gross. You won’t let me hardly touch you or go down on you; you tell me that your bits are gross. Well they are not, they are beautiful. I can understand that you may not like them the most but that is no reason to say things like that to me. I am crazy about you and want to do anything for you to please you. I don’t think I am wrong in wanting any of this, it is natural and normal. I feel that this sexual wall I am feeling between us is affecting us in more than just the physical aspect of our relationship, we need to try in everything and can not ignore this.

You turn me on so much, just looking at you gets me excited. But I think about what you say and how you act about every sexual act other than actual intercourse and I think to myself “Then what’s the point?”. I get hurt by that, people are pretty sensitive about their private parts (They are called private parts for a reason). When you say things like that I just feel like going and sleeping on the couch. You have been asking me for a while whats wrong when we are close together, well this is it. I have talked to you about it but you always just shut me down and never notice how I feel about that. This is a big deal and it will affect us, it already has."

1010011010

What are her thoughts on anal?

She has some interesting ideas about the human body, and I'd wonder if she doesn't have any other annoying, borderline OCD, habits about the cleanliness/neatness of her living environment.

That aside, she's pretty much ignoring your wants/needs... not the best indication for a successful relationship.

__________________
Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions

Crack

She sounds extremely childish in her views on sex. And trust me brother, without sex in a relationship, you will grow to resent her.

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Sage

What he said. You can "love" each other all you want, but if she's not listening to your concerns or addressing your needs, eventually you two will not work as a couple. If she's not willing for whatever reason to explore sexuality, it can, will, and does put a strain on the entire rest of the relationship, because if you're not having sex then you're just roommates who kiss and sleep in the same bed.

__________________

JumpinJesus

You say, "but that one thing", but that one thing is a BIG thing. I know that some people like to say that a relationship isn't all about sex, but try having a relationship where the sex is horrible or nonexistent and see how long it lasts.

If you two are in love with each other and plan on having a long term relationship, then it's worth figuring out why she feels the way she does about genitalia. Good luck.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

shesus

That is...wow. Does she have any experiences in the past that might make her this odd about sex and the human body? If you don't know, you should try to find out. I just can't imagine not wanting to touch a penis and not wanting to be gone down on and not having foreplay of any kind.

Just having sex all the time does get boring. You have to have things to spice it up and have variation. Maybe try doing foreplay in the shower or right after a shower. It sounds like she has a clean issue like 1010011010 said.

I really don't know what to say. I mean if you've discussed this with her and she is not opened to try ways to make sex enjoyable, then you have to make a decision. I guess you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. However, you can't make a 'do this or I'm gone' situation because those rarely work for the long-term. Good luck!

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

SugahBritches

Some women have hang ups with this sort of stuff. I personally don't think it's out of the "norm" with some females. Years ago, even I had some hang ups about it, but I had young children at home and sometimes just having sex was all I cared about.

I think once I got going with life and our relationship and the more I read about these things....plus with the boss being out of town a good bit in our early years, I wanted to make it a fantastic experience for him since he was not home much. And to tell you the truth, I wanted our marriage to work. So, I dug in and thought of ways to make it not only just "sex" but a fantastic night/weekend for us.

As the years went by, I felt more secure and began to realize that the boss actually enjoyed and WANTED to touch me in ways I wouldn't really like in the past. Soon I realized that I enjoyed the whole experience and what we had was really special.

But, I also know I'm a giver in many ways other than sex. As in many things, it takes two parties to make a compromise or at least come to an agreement inorder to make a relationship work. This also includes what happens between the sheets.

She will have to first get rid of her hang ups Blah. I'm not sure how you will get her to overcome these things unless you give her articles/books or some information that will make her understand the workings of both the minds and the bodies of men and women.

Another thing is, she needs to learn to care about what you want and need. And understand that it's not really a selfish thing on your part but that you want to have the full experience(s) that can come by giving alot of yourself to the person you really care and love. To me, anything goes as long as the other person is willing.

As far as I'm concerned, you aren't asking anything that any normal male wouldn't want.

Good luck,

SB

blahblah454

Thanks everyone. I have tried foreplay after the shower, all it ends up being is fingering her for a short while and kissing. I know this is a big deal, thats why I posted it here. It is really getting to me and its driving me insane. I think tonight I will have a sit down with her and talk about it a little more, we have talked but she gets retardedly doggedy about it, I wont let her. And yes there has been things happen to her in the past that I know about and I am not going to write down on here.

She is also almost 28 years old, so its not as if she is exactly new to the whole sex thing. I have known a few of her old boyfriends and she never went down on any of them either.

For me I don't really care that she wont go down on me to finish me, but if she just did it for a small while I bet you anything I will just throw her down and we would have some crazy sex. I have told her this, but she just seems to ignore me. I will let you all know if anything changes though. Thanks for the replies.

Yakk

Does she masturbate?

Possible way of saying "I want to finger you":
"I want to feel your pleasure in the palm of my hand, and not be distracted by my own needs."

__________________
Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Deltona Couple

Other than what everyone I have heard say here, my best suggestion would be a sex counsoler. Don't rule it out, seriously. Some people have serious mental hangups that have developed over the way they were brought up...etc. For example I dated one young lady who never masturbated. She thought it was gross. After talking to her about it a LOT I came to discover that her mom caught her once when she was younger and nearly beat the hell out of her, and told her she was going to go to Hell for it! So she was actually terrified about doing it. After talking to her more and taking things slowly, KNOWING this information, we were able to not only get her to relax and enjoy it, but within a few weeks the girl was doing it 4 or 5 times a day, and I SWEAR she had a footlocker full of sex toys within a year! So definately talk to her about it, ask her to give you more details, not that it is just gross, but DETAILS about why she came to believe it? I am assuming that she doesn't masturbate, if she doesn't like you to finger her, so maybe that is a way to get her started talking about it. GOOD LUCK!

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

1010011010

Does she get weirded out by close contact of any kind or is it just the subject of genitals touching anything other than more genitals?

Kissing, sensual touching, necky-bitey, nipple tweaking, et al. Does any of that appeal to her or is it more a matter of her putting up with it long enough to get your penis in a state suitable to jab it in her baby hole? If she actually enjoys something other than sex, spend more time doing that.

__________________
Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions

blahblah454

She does not masterbate and I have tried to talk to her about it. It is just genitals that she seems to have a problem with. She loves it when I kiss her neck and play with her breasts but you know what, as great as that is it does get boring.

I am seriously getting really bored of sex and just kissing. I will pass it up to play video games or go to sleep or read a book. There is nothing wrong with the sex, its not bad or anything, its just the same.

james t kirk

Here's the simple hard truth.

She's not going to change. She may change under duress possibly, but it will be only for a moment and then she will go back to her old self. Kind of like an elastic band can stretch, but sooner or later, it goes back to what it was.

So, here are your options.

1. Accept it and come to terms with the fact that you are never going to get any action other than intercourse or.

2. Leave her cause it just aint cutting it.

If you choose option 2 - Here's what will probably happen....assuming she still wants a relationship with you. She will come to you all teary eyed and try to get you to change your mind. As an enticement, she will try to suck your cock, but will almost die trying. It will be terrible for her and worse for you because you will feel like an ogre for forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do. Eventually, she will go back to exactly how she was before. (The elastic band theory.)

If you accept it, here's what will PROBABLY happen as time goes on. She will lose interest in even intercourse. Especially if you have kids with her. The mothering gene will turn on, and the intercourse gene will turn off. She will tell you that vaginas are for delivering babies, etc.

So, you decide what you want.

My theory is that people's sexuality is often times carved in stone at a very young age. She has some deep seated phobias about the body and I really doubt that is going to change ever.

My advice to you is to start looking for a new girlfriend.

Sage

I agree with James Kirk but I don't think it's totally irreversible. If she truly WANTED to change, then thearapy would help, but that's only if SHE initates going to thearapy.

She definitely sounds like she's got some deep rooted beliefs about the "ickyness" of genitals, and from what you've said it sounds like those beliefs were rooted in her childhood.

__________________

pig

blah,

Not much point in reiterating the points made above, so here's my wrinkle.

I have had this happen before, but we weren't nearly as serious as y'all are. We had known each other for a long time, but only in passing. We hooked up, and she was already kicking a lot of confused vibes my way. There's a funny story to go with that, but I'll save it for now. This chick had a tongue piercing for pete's sake, but it was only "ornamental." False Advertising!!! screamed I. Well, maybe I didn't scream. But she was definately Whiz, Burr, Thank you Sir in her approach. Me, not so much. I ended up ending it with her, and we're still friends-ish. Ie, when we see each other, its allright. But that incompatability just couldn't work, and it was weird to begin with.

The first step here, as you already know, is going to be talking about it. That might help come to some understanding for both of you, if its completely non-confrontational, but I wouldn't expect anything to change any time soon. Y'all may be better off as "best friends" again for a while during the time you work this out. I don't really see this as a question of her being "normal" or "abnormal' - maybe not norma for a TFP crowd - but I think there are a lot of people out there with views similar to hers. I dated a girl once who wouldn't let me give her oral sex because she was afraid her ass smelled. I'm thinking, what is it about your ass that I don't know about? But anyways, if you want to fly down the slopes, and she wants to stay in the lodge - there may not be much you can do about it.

You could always try a technique I suggested elsewhere on this forum, although I can't find the link. Dress up in a ninja costume, and slip up on her, cock and hand. With your skills of sneakery, wrap her hand around your member, jack off vigorously for that second or so it takes her to realize what's going on, shove her fingers under nose, and exclaim "See, not so bad!!" Run off, stow the fighting gear, and these disavow any knowledge of the incident. Sneak up on her, jack off in her general direction, disappear. After a few months of similar tactics, she might just be so relieved at the notion of "regular nasty-assed perverted" sex that you offer, as opposed to Shiruken, that you end up re-normalizing her expections.

Good luck with that.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

SugahBritches

OMG! Am I the only one that loved this?????!!!! Oh man. That's great.

ngdawg

Sounds like her upbringing was seriously flawed....she doesn't like sex, she likes fucking, because she's been taught that genitals have particular functions and they're for nothing but. Has she ever had a true orgasm? I'd be willing to bet what she thinks is 'getting off', isn't, in that respect.
I agree with the sex counselling, but if she's that uptight, she probably won't go for it.
Can you engage any of her friends to talk with her openly? She needs to relearn about the body and its pleasures; pressure from you, even if it's only perceived as such, will only shut her down more.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

analog

Yep.

Go find another girl, one that isn't freaked out by genitals.

surferlove007

This is rough, how could she see herself marrying you when she won't even do things sexually for you to make you happy. It is very hard to change someones upbringing when it comes to sexual stuff, I somewhat compare it to trying to convert a Christian to a Muslim, its just a really different way of being brought up, and might be possible but highly unlikely to happen.
Counseling could be good, but she sounds pretty immature if she won't even touch you, or allow you to go down on her, let alone go and discuss it with a professional.
Girls would kill for their guys to go down on them more often like you say you want to, sounds like she doesn't appreciate whats lying next to her at night.
I don't know about other women, but I try to show appreciatiation for my guy as often as I feel like it whether its just a tap on the ass or whatever, dunno he likes it but I like it, so until mentioned otherwise I'll continue.
Logic tells me you should put down a date that things need to start changing or else you'll be changing your girl. Sounds harsh, but what else can you do, I do NOT suggest going on in this relationship if she continues to ignore your needs, that is not right to do to anyone. She should appreciate you, and if she loves you she should want to make you happy.

waltert

I laughed for a good 5 minutes at that...

World's King

I have one little piece of advice for you...


Find a mistress.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

blahblah454

Yea thanks everyone. Sounds like pretty much everyone has the same thing to say, I guess I will see how things go. I am defanitely going to talk to her about it, but I don't want to come off sounding like a pig.

pig

Hey, what the???

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

blahblah454

I added a letter I have writen, please read it.

Its up top.

pig

blah,

I think you've got some decent essentials in that letter, but I think you'd do yourself a service by expanding it. When I read that, it sounds like you're complaining mostly about the sex. Which you are, but you're not focussing on "why" enough. I think you'll do better, and get your point across with less chance of being offensive, if you focus a little more on where you see your relationship with your girl, how you view sex and why you feel that her attitudes towards sex are affecting you. You mention the fact that her description of your twig and berries as nasty and gross is disturbing to you, and I can understand that. I'd feel the same way. But I'd stress (not wanting to put words in your mouth here) that sex is also an important mode of communication, at a very raw and physical level - and that her attitudes are inherently shutting down that mode of communication. I would stress that while the physical act of sex, excluded to the sole act of penetrative penis-> vagina sex, isn't satisfying to you, that equally dissatisfying is what you perceive to be a reluctance to be completely open with each other.

I would also nix the "people do things for their lovers that they don't want to do" angle. While it may be true, its going to sound like an ultimatum...that never works out well in these situations, at least in my experience. I'd stress that you want to talk about it face to face, but that she seems to shut down verbal communication about it whenever you talk. Maybe y'all could talk in some neutral environment, without attempting to "resolve" anything, but just to get all the cards out on the table. Pull the situation apart and examine it, and then proceed from there. I'd stress that you're trying to open communication with this letter, not force any decisions. In a letter, its all right there in front of you and there's no way for her to get the discussion sidetracked on tangents, etc. Best of luck.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Xera

my mother told me years ago good sex is 10% of a good relationship. Bad sex is 90% of a bad relationship. Sex isn't everything, but sex and intimacy are so closely linked for so many people that it is a big thing. I dont think a letter is the way to go at all. What you say in that letter sounds ok, but it needs to be verbal face-to-face.

My bet here is that she is not immature at all. Sounds to me like something real bad happened to her and she is not willing to lose any control. She may also be finding a difficulty with finding a bridge between sex and intimacy. This is a major issue and if I'm right, she needs a lot of therapy.

blahblah454

The reason why I would put it into a letter is because as pigglet says, she kind of shuts down verbaly when I try to talk about it. she says one thing then thats it, no more. If I write this down for her its right there and she can't ignore it.

ngdawg

For the most part, I think it's a good letter. If you haven't sent/left it yet, read it over, see if there's anything you're missing, you wish to add or change, read it once more then give it to her.
I agree somewhat on the 'doing things we don't like' part....soften that up a bit. Sometimes we think we don't like something because we're either too embarrassed to try and practice it or we don't know what we're doing.
Saying that all of her is beautiful is great-that's what she needs to learn.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Deltona Couple

Although there is SOME truth to SOME women in your post Kirk, I disagree. You are generalizing ALL women who show a disinterest in anything other than sex, or a distain for genital contact as unable to "come around" so to speak. I disagree with you because my wife of 9 years is a PERFECT exabple. She was originally Missionary only, sex for procreation, not recreation, don't even THINK of getting that thing near my mouth, etc. And now we have an INCREDIBLE sex life with MANY thing we do that are far from norm.

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

blahblah454

Well I sent her the letter this morning, we will see how it goes.

SugahBritches

Well??? What happened to change her mind? I'm sure we all would like to know, eh Blah?

Blah, the letter seemed fine to me also. Most men never even take the time to WANT someone this much to take the time to make it work. You have put your whole heart and self out to her. If only she would see how much it would truly mean to you, she would "try" and change.

I'm thinking she will take it as a direct hit, but I don't think there is any other way around to saying it or even softening it, ya know?

Let us know how it goes.

blahblah454

Well I havent talked to her in person yet but she send me a text message on my cell asking me "what the hell was that all about". I replied that it was my feelings and I have tried to talk to her about it before but she would never listen. She replied with "Well you obveously don't know me... or yourself. night" it was also 6pm at that time and she wont respond. I am going to drop by her place later, I got some shit here to take care of then I am heading over.

hrandani

At least you tried.

abaya

Indeed... at least you tried.

Jesus, what a response. Just her initial tone and word choice speak of some serious immaturity/insecurity to me... but I'll wait to hear how the situation evolves. Best of luck, man, but don't be afraid to walk...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

scottstall

"at least you don't know me..."

Yeah, Your right. I'm getting to know you.
I'm also getting to know your not the one for me at least right now in my life. night.

james t kirk

Call me old fashioned, but, shouldn't a topic such as you have been describing be discussed one on one in person as opposed to writing her a letter, or via text messaging.

I know I am twice your age, however, women haven't changed that much in the last 20 years.

Go and talk with man. Never mind writing anything down.

Daniel_

Sadly this reads just like my life with my ex.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

World's King

I take back my original piece of advice and give you this...


She is childish. She's immature. You don't need to be with someone like that. You seem like a very smart guy that doesn't like to play games. She's making you play games. Don't. I'm sorry but if she doesn't come around about this and actually fuckin' listen to you and grow up... leave.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

SugahBritches

It's funny Kirk said to talk in person instead of letters. I was just thinking I wrote many of thought down on paper over the years and never even let the person involved read it. So many to the boss and he has yet to read a one. Lots of times it's mainly for us, as the writer, to get our thoughts out there without the interruptions.

I personally don't think it's immature to write your thoughts.....whether you give them to others to see or not. The main thing is what you feel comfortable in doing. If she is worth the effort to you Blah, that is all that matters.

Kudos to you in sharing your thoughts here with us Blah. Many of us are much to..............ummm..........closed minded, reserved or just plain don't want to be that open with others. NTTIAWWT

So? How did it go buddy?

little_tippler

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. It's obviously a hang up she has, but she is being immature. Her response is very childish and I think is just meant to leave you wondering what the hell she means by it, and also to make you doubt yourself ("you don't know yourself", that's pretty lame.) It will probably be very painful but if she continues to not want to communicate, I think you should move on.Why is it so hard to find someone compatible right? Life really sucks sometimes.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918