josie333

How do you get over a cheating husband?

For the last two years I have been dealing with this woman, who is bold enough to call our home and ask my husband out on dates. She does this even after I answer the phone. I confronted him serveral times about it . I also spoke with her and she agreed never to talk to him again. That only took her 1 min...she called from my driveway. This continued for a year. He swore he wasn't talking to her. He was all along. He even got her a job in his department.....That was it for me. He has insisted that they only had a friendship. There was nothing going on. What I can't understand if there was or is nothing going on than why can't he let her go????? He is holding on to that relationship harder than his own marriage....I left him in Feb. and he talked me into coming home in May.

He said he wouldn't talk to her or see her anymore. Since I came back I have caught him calling her or her calling him on several times. He lied. Sometimes I think he wants to ge caught. When I ask him about her he gets angry. I can 't even say her name. The last time I caught him was Sep. 28. I cried for 2 days. I knew it was over for me. I can't be with someone who can 't let go of a person who is causing a huge hardship on our marriage.

I tried to have a honest conversation with him. He wasn't interested. He said I was attacking him. All I did is ask if we could have a honest converstion. It is now Oct. and I have caught him in lie after lie. How do I end it and not destroy my children?

I love him but he is driving me out of my mind. This is what I am considering. Stay living together. We are great friends and have a lot of fun together. Like roomates, not lovers. I continue to let him do his thing with her. I find someone who wants me for me. Right now, all I am to him is a front .He wants everyone to thinks he's happy with his family. Appearence is everything to him.

What should I do?

shesus

Obviously the decision is up to you. You can put yourself through a mockery of a relationship and be treated like you aren't important or don't matter to make everyone on the outside think that it's perfect. Now, this is not only going to shoot your self-esteem to shit, but it's going to confuse your children as to what a relationship is. I hate hearing "Stay together for the children". That is not going to be any healthier than ending a relationship in a mature fashion and being happy people. Children appreciate that more I think than to put up with upset parents who fight and make each other feel like shit.

My opinion, leave him. You aren't happy and he obviously doesn't want to be in a relationship at least with you. However, I can't make that decision for you. Good luck, think about it, and then do what is best for YOU. Everything else will fall in place.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

SugahBritches

Over and over again? Ummm..................not I said the cat. And not if he stays unfaithful. I'm not going to ever get over it. Nor would I abide it. Not even for the childrens' sake. Naaahuh....no way. But, that is my answer to your above question.

But, really the question should be directed to you.

Can you get over a husband that intends to keep being unfaithful?

If you honestly say "YES", there ya go.

ngdawg

My first advice is to leave, specially if the kids are young. Trust me, the older they get the harder it is to go and start over.
There is an oft-used Ann Landers line: 'Are you better off with or without him?' Being so miserable, I'd say without, but only you know the answer to that question.
Obviously, his first concern is not you. And your first concern should be. Your happiness must come first-the happiness of your kids will follow.
If you simply can't go for whatever reason (not excuse, reason), perhaps you should consider open marriage. If he won't talk about any of it, write to him. Sounds odd to have to write to your own spouse, but it actually works pretty good-there's no yelling, no confusion, no forgetting what to say. You can lay it out clearly by writing, whether pen and paper or email.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

jth

This guy is total scum and you should leave him and take the kids.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your children to raise them in a healthy home and how to respect each other. Kids aren't as niave as some might think and they're going to know if something is wrong with Mommy and Daddy. They are young now, they will learn to get over a devorce. I don't think there's any reason at all why you should stay with him. Even if you tried an open marriage... is it a marriage or just two adults who share a bank account, house and car payments? If he has been a liar all this time who's to say what else he's done behind your back before this woman came into the picture, and how can you predict his future behaviour. He has manipulated you to come back and who knows how he might manipulate your children as well.

You should get out as soon as you can. Contact a lawyer and get it done. He doesn't deserve to be with someone who is obviously very caring and considerate. Cut him out of the picture and move forward with your life

just my opinion

__________________
"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

Ustwo

With only one side of the story I don't think you can get any good advice here.

We don't even have a clear picture if he is sleeping with her, or if she is just a friend you are over parinoid about and he doesn't want to loose because of your parinoia.

Based on what you said, sure leave him, you did once, you can do it again, but I think there is more here we are not being let in on.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Mrs Master

I agree with ustwo, your'e screaming out for help but not giving any detail on what he's actually done, what exactly was he caught doing? Why would she be so forward as to call in the manner she has. Sorry but this smells a bit to me, care to clear the air?

FallenAvatar

If he is cheating on you what I will offer you is this. Leave and take your children with you. Take him for what he is worth for your children financially, but not for yourself. Realize that he cannot be forgiven for such an act and I personally wouldn't try. Karma is a completely real concept and trust me it will come back to bite him in the ass; I can't say anything that will fix this situation nor can I say anything that will calm your feelings. Just realize that if you know you're being honest here and that you've done nothing wrong then you are far from at fault.

Maybe a few more details?

__________________
Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

SugahBritches

I've been confused by the last few folks asking for the OP for more information.

Dates? And then still calls. He has admitted that she calls surely. And for a YEAR??? This isn't a form of cheating?

Cheating has so many meanings but the big one here is deceiving.

But, this is where it finally breaks down (to me). And that is being content to let whatever is "going on" with this "other" woman to continue. Which she implies that maybe she can live with the deceiving spouse.

Whether he is sexually unfaithful or not, there are still lies and deciet running rampid here. And as many of you men say, "If he ain't gettin' it at home, he has to be gettin' it somewhere."

Decieving can destroy any marriage. And unless two people are willing to communicate, I don't see a solution. So, in this instance, Josie must choose since she says her husband isn't.....other than he is happy to leave it like it is............."a front" for appearrances sake. A COVER UP. Hello???? If this ain't deceiving, I don't know what is!

More details? Come on folks! Unless you want to get her husband online here, we only have her comments to go by! She asked us a simple question. Jeeze.

Josie, if you want to go into more details, go right ahead darlin'. I was only pointing out what "deceiving" is.

Ustwo

Call it experiance, but after years and years of online time, I've seen many posts like this before and its always a sympathy fest with the OP. The problem is when the husband/wife DOES get on, or the story continues, an entirely different story comes out. I have a hunch this is the case here.

If he is in fact cheating then fine leave, it doesn't require our advice, but I think there is a lot more here.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Sultana

It just seems a little odd that a case presented like this, so cut and dried and obvious, would require input from relative strangers on "what to do?"

Although I will admit that the act of writing things out can help a person identify patterns and things that may not have been so obvious to someone in the thick of things. Forest for the trees and all that.

I hope that this is the case here. If things are presented accurately in the OP, then I'd say it'd be much more devistating for kids to learn that this is how you treat your spouse than to deal with the effects of divorce. If that's the only reason she's staying.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

SugahBritches

Well, one can become bitter after looking at many of these types of posts, I suppose. And there are always two sides to every story. But, the OP put some effort in her post and asked a valid question, IMO.

So, instead of letting her feel she is under a microscope, I started out with just an answer to her question. But, if one wants to start a post of any type of topic, I'm sure it will be under scrutiny anyway.

Lady Sage

Honey, leopards cant change their spots if you know what I mean...

Take that man and shove it, you arent gonna be his rug to trample on no more.

Get up get out and move on with yor life.

__________________
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

tecoyah

[QUOTE=josie333]How do you get over a cheating husband?
/QUOTE]


You never truly will. Always in the back of your mind will be the trust issue, It will not go away (unless you are ....stupid). This cannot be allowed to ruin something that is important however....its a very individual process.

Make a descision....do you trust him...or no.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

maleficent

This has been an ongoing issue for you... your other post was about him cybering with another woman.

You don't sound like you trust him... but only you know how you feel and only you can answer the question about what you should do...

__________________

Mantus

The best way to get over is to get under.

Prince

I am getting the feeling that she is bothered by the fact that she hasn't caught him with his hand in the honey jar. Perhaps that would be that last straw that would help her make up her mind once and for all.

Anyway, I don't think she's really asking for advice as much as some validation for her feelings. Seems likely that she already knows what she has to do, or is going to do, and is just looking for some support and encouragement. As much as it may be blatantly obvious to a lot of us that her children would be better off not living in a home that continues to be broken, that is surprisingly not what some believe. I've known many women whose husbands were cheating on them repeatedly, but they stayed with their husbands 'because of the kids'. What a lousy cop-out if you ask me, but their hearts were in the right place at least.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

mandy

You will never get over the fact that the man you decided to spend the rest of your life with is cheating on you. It will even distort your image of men. You will cry for days on end. but when all of that is over, you have to pick yourself up and start over. to even think of staying with him now, well, i just don't think it's at all good for your being. and he is clearly showing absolute disrespect towards you and to your marriage and he cleary cares more about how he appears to his family and friends than how you are feeling. i don't think any woman should put herself through that.

but then again, it isn't my choice to make, however, i do wish you the best of luck in deciding what to do.

__________________
The Imagination equips us to see a reality we have yet to create

Sultana

OK, I see Prince's point. And to that point I say: You are completely validated in not allowing this behavior to continue. In fact, it's your responsibility to not allow it to continue, and to not let your children grow up thinking this is a typical, normal, and acceptable way to live.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

little_tippler

You don't get over it, you leave and move on with your life. If the story is how you're telling it, there's no saving what you've already lost.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

william

The basic issue is trust. Either you trust him, or you don't. As much as people preach about therapy, I don't agree. Once that bond is broken, you're done. That's a long road to hoe, and life is too short.

Mrs Master

Im noticing a pattern here, I relpied to that post not realising it was josie again. Its also 5 months old. My lack of observation. But josie if you're actually reading this why post one thing on the same kind of subject (your issues with your partners sexual discrepencies) in two threads and then not even communicate back. You've asked for advice and bolted twice. Quit playing the victim and get real or pull your finger out and have the common decency to respond to what you began in this thread.

SugahBritches

Ummm.............Josie has only 2 posts. The starter of only two threads with no replies to members who have took their time to comment.

Now I wonder if you are actually deceiving us Josie. Ummmm.........as much as I do not want to agree with UsTwo **grins mischieviously**, I guess there is MORE to your TWO posts than meets the eye. Either that, or you are only trolling.

josie333

"We don't even have a clear picture if he is sleeping with her, or if she is just a friend you are over parinoid about and he doesn't want to loose because of your parinoia."


Just to clarify the situation..... I am not over parinoid. My husband has many women friends. I am not one of those jealous women. I have good reason to have my doughts.

This woman started calling my house and I actually talked to her. The night she called the first time, He had just been asked to go to the bar with our neighbor (also a woman), he told her no because of how the owner treated someone there. He said he would never go there again.... Then D called and asked him to go that same night. He was out the door to go to the same bar. He fessed up to a lot of things. He said, D asked him to go out of town with her. Overnight...I have to give him credit. He told her how would that look to my wife. Yes, there is a lot that I am leaving out just for privacy sake.

I don't care that he has women friends. I don't ever dought him, until he starts lying. The funny thing is that he can have all the female friends he wants, but I can't have any male friends at all. I have caught him sending her emails. I have caught him having cyber sex with her. He recently got her a job at his office. So yes, I am getting a little parnoid about her. She has invaded my life and destroyed all the trust I had for my husband. When you have been with someone for 16 years you know when they are lying.

I hope that clears things up a little.

"Im noticing a pattern here, I relpied to that post not realising it was josie again. Its also 5 months old. My lack of observation. But josie if you're actually reading this why post one thing on the same kind of subject (your issues with your partners sexual discrepencies) in two threads and then not even communicate back. You've asked for advice and bolted twice. Quit playing the victim and get real or pull your finger out and have the common decency to respond to what you began in this thread."

I am not seeking anything from this. I am not a victim. I don't want smypathy. I was just looking for what others have done. I have not replied to a lot of these because I have not been checking the site. I don't spend a lot of time on TFP. I was actually just getting it off my chest. I made my decision that night. Just writing it out made everything clear for me. My post was nothing more than that.

Please forgive me for using the same kind of issue. I won't be posting anymore. I am not on the internet very often. I don't even chat so forgive me if I didn't know how this all works...

Thank you for the advice that I did get. Seems like a lot of you have gone thru this.

SugahBritches

It's okay that you aren't on the internet much Josie. It's just the fact that so many posted their comments and you didn't come back to acknowledge them. Especially in the first thread.

Most of us here only want thoughts/comments/advice as to what others might give. It is good to know that you have made your decission on your own, for it's only yours to make.

Best wishes to you Josie. And come back anytime, ya heah?