Rohwer

My mind is so wrapped around my ex girlfriend of 4 years.. well im a guy so we round 3 yr 9 mos. I dated this girl for what seemed like forever. I was sending money to a secondary account to save up for a ring to buy her. I know she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

A few years back things went into a slump and we were hanging on because we were living together and it seemed like one bad problem happened after another. ie car wreck, credit cards, she lost her job, etc. Times progressivly got better and then it plateaued. I sensed things weren't going too well and being drunk one night i broke up with her. The next morning i told her i was sorry and I dont know what i was thinking. We dated for a long time after that and i made some other drunken decisions, staying out late, not coming home but i never cheated on her or anything huge.

Well about 3 months ago she gets a job at a bar and she makes good money and always hung out with her work buddies. Well, i got suspisious and called her on it and one night she wouldnt tell me where she was. So i broke up with her and she didnt want to be with me. We lived together for one more month and at that time i found out she was dating a guy from her work, while living with me and while tleling me she loved me and she needed her space. She then moved back into her moms and I moved in with a buddy. She then told me she was single and we started to hang out again and she told me i was the one she could see herself growing old with and she loved me.

Well i send her a text message saying call me later. And i get a phone call back with her number. Turns out it's "Mike", her recent ex, saying they never broke up and wanting to get the inside scoop on what she was doing. Well she was dating him and seeing and screwing me. He then dumped her and i went and helped her through the crying. She asked me to call him and tell him she was a good person... to which i said hell no.

The problem is I am in love with her, to the end and she constently tells me she loves me and wants to be with me forever some day but wants to live now.

I am usually a strong guy and have a tough time letting people in but i let her in and now I am completly confused.

Any advice would be helpful.... sorry for the long post.... This problem is always on my mind...

thanks.

Jarrod

surferlove007

Hmmm, my dear friend. Sounds like such a sticky situation. I've been in a similar one. She sounds like a cheater to me plain and simple...the thing with cheaters is that you never fully gain the trust back no matter how much you tell yourself you did.
[she constently tells me she loves me and wants to be with me forever some day but wants to live now. ]
This tells you she wants you as a safety net incase she finds herself alone but still wants license to go out and party and screw other guys. I'm sorry its not fun to be someones safety net, just don't let her use you. You seem like a really wonderful person who cares about her alot its just that she doesn't appreciate it or respect you...ie the jerking you around and sleeping with that other guy Mike.
In honest advice I would cut her out of my life completely and just move on.

Yes, it will hurt, it will hurt so bad you'll want to run back to her...however there is light up ahead. You will look back a few weeks maybe months and realize you did the right thing by letting her go and standing up for yourself and realizing you deserve someone who treats you well. You feel lost without her because you've been together for four years, I would know. I was with a guy for nearly 2 years and when we broke up I didn't know what to do with myself. I decided I would go to the gym with the time I used to spend on the phone with him, or go do something productive, focus on school. I had pretty much forgotten how to be single when we ended, which is what you will feel when you decide to leave.
Best option in my opinion would be to get out, do whats best for you, find someone without mind games.
You'll mourn it for sometime and then remember how to be single again and have fun with friends, go on dates, do whatever.
Enjoy your singleness!

Hope this helps!
-Kim

slimshaydee

You don't want to be someone's backup man. If she did ever go back to you she would think of herself only as settling. I know it's hard, I've been in this situation first hand myself. If you tell her that if she loves you she wouldn't be out there sleeping with other men then she'll make it look like you're the bad guy who's not giving her any freedom.

What I would do is try to make her jealous, I'd start dating other people. What this means if you're not chasing after her so much anymore. When you are constantly chasing after someone's love they don't like it. Might make her wonder why you don't want her anymore and perhaps she will chase after you a little. But if you don't want to play games then disregard what I've said.

dlish

to put it in simple terms....

your scottie pippen playing for the chicago bulls back in the mid 90's. your one of the finest players in the world and can match it with the best. but guess what? you got michael jordan on your team. he's the GO-TO MAN.

how'd he feel? i rekon scottie rekons he got a raw deal. any other period his name woulda been pasted all over the news, but good ol MJ always got the credit for being the backbone behind the bulls.

how does all this relate to you scottie? your getting the raw deal. go to another team that appreciates your talents where your the go-to man and not the guy thats the back up plan when things go wrong.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

little_tippler

she's asking you to wait while she has some fun with other men. She's not respecting your feelings or your life. Go live your life, cut her loose and move on. Maybe one day she'll come back, maybe she won't. But don't waste time, be just like her - live NOW. It's fair right?

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Rohwer

I really do appreciate the advice. I am smart enough to kinda think the way you do but it's hard which a lot of you have said. I appreciate the comments and the reassurance is really a huge help. Im a guy, and my buddys wouldn't want to talk to me about this and you guys have helped out alot.

Feel free to keep posting and i will give you the updates as things progress.

Again, thanks a million

Jarrod

tooth

I know we're not getting the whole story. Tough to write out 4 years of history. But nothing in your post gave me the feeling like she has any respect for you. And for that matter, it looks like you treated her with a fair bit of disrespect over that time as well.

You may think you love each other. But really, have you guys honestly made the effort to put the other person first? You going out drinking and staying out late, her seeing other people behind your back (and seeing you behind old boyfriend's back)? Doesn't sound like true love to me.

Glory's Sun

The best thing you could do is forget about her and find someone else.

Carno

Cut her loose man. She cheated on you, then she cheated on the guy she was cheating on you with, with you. Who's to say she wouldn't cheat on you again with the guy she cheated on you with and then cheated on him with you?

__________________
http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

fightnight

I don't think i have the mental capacity this late in the work day to know if you said all that correctly, but point taken anyways.... she's a cheater basically. And while some will argue with the, "once a cheater, always a cheater" argument, she does seem to be exhibiting quite the penchant for cheating, so I'd stay away!

Rohwer

consensus says................ leave it and move on. Thanks for all your opinions.

It does help. Reassurance helps

Kensei

Hmm, sorry buddy, but sounds to me like you dug your own hole here. If even half of what your saying is true, you blew things in quite a few ways. First, by being insecure. Second, by being a drunk, and third by being a hypocrite.

Your insecure because you did not trust her, and asumed she was cheating on you. Hey, if someone always thought that about me, I'd say what the hell, getting blamed for it anyway, why not do it. Then I'd leave ya, or make sure you left me.

Then you stayed out all the time, drunk, yet when she stayed out you flipped out and always wanted to know where she was. That's just insecure, and hypocritical, not to mention you just not being there al the time, which likely did not help.

Doesn't sound to me like you trust her, or anyone for that matter. You also must think she is a total moron not to see that fact.

Bottom line pal, you blew it. Your in love with her, so what. You won't get her back, and it's that simple.

What you really need to do is change, get some counseling, or whatever, and move on. Sounds like qutting drinking would not be a bad idea either, you sound like your on the verge of being a boozer, if you ain't one already.

Take my advice man, let her go, and don't get angry, upset at my post, learn from it man. Hell, ya kept breaking up with her to, you expect someone to stick around you when your that moody, unreliable, untrusting, I mean hey, no one likes rejection, and you sound like a rejection factory.

Good luck ion your future relationships. Personally I think you should take some time off dating and work on you, that would likely be best. Take care.

angeltek

Run away man, run away from it. It's not worth it. Trust me!!!

I was in a very similair situation...but add a kid into the equation.

little_tippler

Classic! Sorry to hijack, I know this a serious thread...ahem. /end hijack

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Rohwer

serious yes but no prob having a little fun.

Aro23

that's not the first time it happened, it's been repetitive. so the choice is yours if you are ready to get cheated on again.

Terminal Frost

Never go back. When a girl leaves you for another guy just suck it up and move on. I would personally never let myself go back to a girl that left me for another guy, even if I felt attracted to her and single. It is just bad news. The way I see it is that if she doesn't love you enough, trust you enough, or even feel attracted to you enough to stay with you and not fuck some other dude, well then she just flat out doesn't deserve to be with you. All my relationships end with a period. You have to stick up for yourself. You WILL find someone better.