Gretsch Player

My wife and I have what I think is a very conservative open marriage.

The short and skinny version of the story is that I leave the country on business quite often and about 7 years ago, after about 6 years of marriage, she started going out with a male coworker while I was gone. Basically, it was dating. What other word is there for it when a man and a woman go to the beach, go to bars and play pool, go to his house for "movie night" etc? There was no sex involved at that point, but they were dating. I leave the country for four or five weeks at a time and this bugged the shit out of me, but I was being the 'progressive' husband and I didn't want to be a jealous asshole. I had a girlfriend before who was a jealous nut, and it used to drive me crazy, so I didn't want to be like that with my wife.

Well, the second time I left the country for a 5 week hitch, the dating went into overdrive and I didn't let that get to me either. In fact, I told her that it was ok. It bugged me, as I said, but what were my choices? Lock her in a closet until I got home? Why should she sit at home bored while I am travelling the world? So I let her have her fun.

And, by the way, when I am home, we go out and have fun a lot too, so it's not as if he was giving her something that I wasn't.

Well, that time after I got home, a few days later, she was getting dressed up. I said, "What are you getting dressed up for?" She said "**** and I are going out tonight. He wanted to take me to this restaurant that's also a brewery." So I told her that I don't mind them going out while I am gone, but I'll be fucked if they are going to go out and leave me sitting at home in the precious few weeks I have with her.

And let's be clear about this: My marriage at that time was fine. We weren't fighting. We were communicating well (we always have) and the sex was great. Ask her and she will say the same thing.

So back to the story: she said "But, **** and I planned this date 2 weeks ago" and I said "I don't give a shit if you planned it 2 fucking years ago, you are calling him up right now and telling him that the date is off. If you want to go out with me, that's fine, but I'll be fucked if you are going out with him when I am on vacation."

So, a month later, when I left the country, he made his move. They got drunk together and the next thing you know they were fucking. the best she can recall, the fling lasted longer than a week and less than two.

All I knew was that when I came back, she didn't call him. Didn't talk to him. Didn't talk about him. Never mentioned him. And I never liked the guy, I thought he was a weasel, so I never said "Hey what happened to your friend ****?"

So a year and a half ago, which is several years after the affair, I found out about it. She confessed everything. I was pissed of course, but, I already suspected something anyway.

Well, we came to an understanding, after long conversations about sexuality, marriage, commitment etc., we came to the understanding that our ideal is the traditional marriage, but that making unrealistic promises to only ever sleep with one another is foolishness. No one could ever promise that. To promise that means to say that you can see into the future and you know that there is no possible circumstance under which you would ever have sex with someone other than your chosen mate. It's just pure, traditionalist stupidity to me. I wish I had seen it that clearly before.

So, our agreement is that our marriage is a nearly traditional marriage. We are committed to one another. If you met us, you would never ever guess that we have an open marriage and we would never tell you. Even if the subject of open marriages and polyfidelity came up... unless we really knew and trusted you. But she and I were talking about that and we named all of our friends and family and there is only one that she said she would tell, and that was a 'maybe'.

Our marriage is now thus: she will not ever be on the prowl looking for sex outside of our marriage. Ever. She has never been slutty in her life, and there is no reason she would start now. If she ever gets into a situation where there is a guy who is 'dangerous', she has made me three promises:

1) She will be safe and use protection
2) She will let me know as soon as possible
3) She will never, ever leave me for a fling.

Of course, these promises work both ways, but frankly, she is a bit hornier than me (just a bit)

Since this arrangement has been agreed upon, she has made out with one guy. That's it. She went to a bar with about 20 people, only two of whom she knew, and she said the next thing you knew, two by two, they wandered off, to go dance or to the bathroom or whatever. Pretty soon she was left alone with a young guy. He was about 25. She is in her 40s. She said he was extremely handsome. Very good looking young man. She looked at him and said, "Well, it's just me and you now" and this motherfucker just grabbed her and started making out with her. He never said a word. Just shoved his tongue down her throat.

She said they made out a bit, but it went no farther than that. They were drunk. What can I say? It proved that I have no jealousy anymore. None. At all. I wasn't angry or hurt in the least. Not even a tiny bit. In fact, when she told me about it, I smiled quite broadly.

And there is a guy in Scotland who wants to fuck her so bad, he can't stand it, but she has been keeping him at arm's length for about 5 years now.

There will never be a situation where she and I will be in a bar and she will be making out with a guy and someone will say "Hey, why is your wife making out with that dude?" and I will say, "Oh, it's ok, we have an open marriage".

We once knew a couple like that. They were friends of a friend of ours. In fact, the man asked his wife to snoop around and see if my wife would be interested in fucking him. She told the woman "Abso -fucking -lutely not!" She was extremely put off by it. Those two were always on the prowl.

So, the reason for the post was to request definitions, because I don't know anything about this shit. Open marriage? Polyfidelity? Polyamory? Swinging? (although I think I have that one figured out)

Am I correct? Do I have an "open marriage"? A very conservative one, or is there another term for it? Is my marriage polyfidelity? Can someone read all this and help figure it all out?

Thank you

PS: By the way, I posted my concerns on the "off-topic" section of a libertarian/left-leaning political forum I frequent, and you would not believe the hatred and vitriol leveled against me from supposed non-traditionalists. Society is ill-equipped to handle people who have different ideas about marriage, I guess. They insisted I couldn't be happy. I said I was. My marriage is better now than it ever was. That is no exaggeration. Our marriage is stronger than it was even before she slept with that half-man.

Another guy said that I have "self-esteem issues" I said "No, my self-esteem is fine". He replied, "I disagree." So, I retorted, "Well, I know me. You don't. Therefore, my opinion of my self-esteem necessarily trumps yours. I win the debate, automatically."

Maybe anyone in a similar marriage or relationship to mine could address societal non-acceptance as well. Really, I was quite surprised by it. I thought they would say "Congratulations on finding a mutally beneficial solution to your earlier marital problems." but no, it was things like "DUMP THE BITCH" and "UR DUM LOL"

Daniel_

Hard story.

I had a wife that cheated on me when we were first dating. We put it behind ourselves and moved on.

12 years later she did it again and we got a divorce.

I have trust issues now.

Hope things work out for you.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

SAM821

sounds tough... basically, you did get mad when she was openly going out with this guy so you need to be sure you are ok with all of this. I think most importantly, are you getting some action on the outside too? What i mean is are you having flings too? or is it just your wife? Personally I dont know I could handle all of this, but if you are ok with this then great for you.

As for defining what you have, you have an open marrige if you are each hooking up with other people outside your marrige and are "open" about it with each other. So i guess thats what you got!

Gretsch Player

Well, it was hard before, but we had hours long conversations, days in a row for several months about it. That is how we came to our present arrangement.

In fact, I have zero trust issues now. I know that if she ever sleeps with someome, I will be the third person to know about it, and I will know about it immediately after it happens. And since she is free to have as few or as many flings as she likes as long as she stays with me, she has no reason to leave me for someone who is going to offer her a more restrictive relationship.

As I said, I am now happier than I have ever been in my life and so is she. She isn't on the prowl for cock, but if a guy starts pursuing her and he really turns her on, she is free to have a fling if she likes, just so long as the three golden rules are adhered to.

I can't even imagine going back to the way our marriage was before. We had a good marriage before, don't get me wrong, but now we have a great marriage.

Thanks for your thoughts. I almost got some from a gal at work once, but I chickened out. I told my wife about it too. She was cool with it. Yes, the deal goes both ways.

And you are correct, I did get very upset about her seeing that half-man that she slept with, but that was a two part thing: First, and foremost, I never liked the guy. I thought he was a worm. And secondly, I was jealous. But that was then. She has since made out with a (she says) stunningly handsome, much younger man, and I actually smiled about it when she told me. I was happy for her. It was a little bit of a thrill.

I am a much different person now. Her cheating, and our subsequent conversations, changed our marriage, as I said, for the better.

rmarshall

I just had to check to see what forum I was on. Oh, TFP. No wonder Daniel responded like that!
You might have to wait until some of the more enlightened respond here.
I'm not an expert and don't know what you call it. You could try a swingers board, like http://www.swingersboard.com
It sounds like a reasonable way to keep a marriage alive if you are away for weeks at a time. Do you also have a woman to take care of your needs while you are gone?

__________________
"Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege" Irish proverb

ktspktsp

Hi GP,

Well, whatever you make out of your marriage is up to the two of you. I don't really see the use in trying to come up with a term that defines what you have.. It just is your marriage.

I have to say though, I feel that through this thread you're trying to justify your current choices. I'm wondering why you feel the need to do that (just curious).

On another point, I can't help but wonder if that is what you want, or what you end up having to do because of her needs. The fact that she kept 'dating' someone you didn't like, and then slept with him too, is a bit odd. However, even if you're doing this because it's what she wants, that's not wrong either. It's just your decision.

I would be curious though if she would be really non-jealous if you actually did sleep with somebody else. Something for you to find out at some point, possible.

Good luck with your marriage, in any case

Gretsch Player

Well, I am not trying to justify it. I don't try to justify much, ever. But I do want to write about it and communicate with like-minded people, just so I can figure it all out.

I don't think definitions are that important, in and of themselves, but we do need names for things so that we can cummincate. We as people, I mean. Let's say one day she and I decided to go to a Meetup for like-minded people. Do we go to the polyamorous Meetup? I don't think so. I don't think our mariage is necessarily polyamorous, per se. It has the potential to get that way from time to time and then return to normal, but we aren't polyamorous, I don't think. Not by my understanding of the definition. That is why I wanted to make a post about it.

What was your other point? (checks)

Oh yeah: She didn't know I didn't like the guy. In fact, she once said something like "Well that was back when you liked ****." And I said, "I never liked that motherfucker. I always knew he was a snake in the grass."

And your point about it being what I really want, or if it's what I feel must happen to preseerve our marriage and keep her happy. I reworded what I think you meant. If that isn't what you meant, please correct me.

It started out as the latter and evolved into the former. At first, I told her that if that is what she needs from time to time, to have a fling, then I am willing to pay that price. And of course, she was crying saying she would never do it again and all this business. But later, after hours long conversations and many tears, and actually some laughter at that poor bastard ****'s expense (he had a small dick and was a dud in bed) we finally came to this arrangement.

What actually happened was that we realized that we had had something of an open marriage all along. The only difference is that now it's official. And now there are ground rules. And now, the jealousy is not an issue.

I was never that much of a jealous person before anyway. She has always been flirty and it never bothered me. She would flirt with guys right in front of me, and it never bugged me at all. But when she started actually dating this fucker. Well, that bugged me. And of course, her having sex with him was enraging to think about. But as I said, I can't imagine us going back to what we were before as individuals or to what our marriage was before.

ratbastid

Definitions schmefinitions. Who really cares what you are--what matters is that you've got an agreement that works between you. And you survived a trial that would have ended weaker relationships. AND you're enjoying the benefits of communicating with each other on the level that non-monogamy demands.

There's a saying in the Polyamory community: there are as many different poly configurations as there are poly families. In other words, no two couples or "clumps" have the same rules or agreements. Yours are just as unique as everybody else's.

The only thing I'd say about this is: I generally align with the philosophies and attitudes of those who identify as polyamorous. But the polyamory community is largely made up of ren-fest geeks or grey-bearded hippies, which really isn't my demographic. So while I support and generally follow the beliefs of the community, I find myself slightly embarassed by the community. I wish there was a term for hip, urban 20- to 30-something people whose lifestyle and choices allow for multiple romances and lovers.


I hear you completely. I had a lot of fun on Friday night telling lurkette all about the first date I had that afternoon. That was weird in itself--I haven't had a "date" in at least 15 years. But it went great, she's a really fun girl, and I'm looking forward to seeing her again. And I love that who lurkette and I are for each other is solid and stable enough that we can demonstrate that by allowing each other the freedom to explore.

It's definitely not how we're mostly raised to believe that relationships are "supposed" to be, though, so I generally think people's negative reactions are understandable, though unenlightened.

Ustwo

Well first you made a mistake with that whold friend thing. No guy just wants to be friends with a girl, and there is nothing over controlling about telling your wife not to see the guy, but thats over and done.

I dont' follow this really. This sounds like you gave her permission to flirt and then have sex with the guy if she thinks he will rape her.

But anyways what matters is what works for you. For me an open marriage is not something either of us are interested in, and while we have no problem with extramarital sex we would never be comfortable with a true open marriage.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Gretsch Player

Were you thrown off by my use of the word "dangerous"? I put apostrophes around it to show that I am not using it in the literal sense. I meant figuratively dangerous. As in, she is in danger of getting turned on by the guy and falling into bed with him for an evening of romance. In other words: there's danger afoot, because the conditions are right for extramarital sex.

If that's not it, then I can't help you out. You'll just have to remain confused.

tecoyah

Yes....You have an open, and by the sound of it quite healthy Marriage.

Good Job, its not easy.

DEI37

Open marriages are fun. While neither of us have actively gone out "on the prowl" so to speak, we both do engage in a fair amount of extramarital sex. I know I'd like to find a woman to mess around with like that. I think it would be a blast!

Sounds like the issues you two had are pretty much resolved. Good luck with it all.

__________________
Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

Elphaba

You and your wife have freely agreed upon what is acceptable and not acceptable in your relationship. Any other opinion about how you conduct yourselves as a couple is unimportant imo. There is the possibility that the agreement may be violated by either one of you in the future, but that is also true of monogamous relationships.

And welcome to tfp.

Moskie

I think your options hinder on this paragraph:

If you feel that this accurately describes you, your wife, and your relationship with her, then you really only have two options. First, ignore this sentiment, and lie to yourselves and to each other about your (in)fidelities. This will most likely end up creating a huge distance between you two, eventually ending up in seperation and possibly hatred for one another.

The second is what you're doing. Which involves being honest and caring to one another. You're accepting each other's faults as human beings, and minding the other's feelings while you're doing it. I think with this route you're more guaranteed to find happiness in the end. You guys aren't going to be horny and sleeping around when you're elderly, so do what you gotta to do to get there. You might might have to roll with some punches along the way (like dealing with The Weasel), but it's better than lying to each other.

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Greetings and salutations.

Ustwo

Yes that what I figured you meant but in the context it was unclear to me.

Good luck to you, but having been involved in swinging off and on for several years, I can tell you that open marriages often end in disaster and I wouldn't recomend it to anyone. Someone gets left out, and gets hurt. Often it seems they leave for a play partner, and I've seen the sob story again and again on swingers boards, which tend to get posts from open marriage types as well even though they are not the same.

With swingers or poly's the is a respect by all for the underlying relationship, with an open marriage the other partner doesn't give a rats ass about your relationship with your spouse. At best I see it as having 'allowed' affairs, at worst I see it as a ticket for divorce.

Maybe its just me with a biased perspective based on what I've seen, but I've never known a happy long term, until death do you part, open relationship, I've only seen the broken marriages.

What you do have going for you is that most open relationships have people looking for sex, its not a circumstantial thing like you described, so I suppose you may be more like 'condoned affairs' than an open marriage that most people seem to talk about having.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Gretsch Player

I thank you for your input, but I am not too worried about it at all. Our marriage is quite strong, and in fact, it occurs to me that our marriage has advantages that tradition marriages do not.

For one thing, if she has an extramarital fling, I will know about it the very next time we talk, whereas in a traditional marriage, the cheating spouse will typically try to keep it a secret as long as possible.

You might not think that is a big deal, and I used think it wasn't a big deal, but during the years she was keeping her affair a secret, our marriage was hell. She had so much guilt and remorse it was tearing her and us apart. She would spontaeously cry for no reason. Once she said it was because she was thinking about her cat that died. The cat had been dead for 5 years. Another time she started crying while we were having sex.

The closest we ever came to divorce was when she was keeping that secret and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't make her happy.

Another advantage of our arrangement is that not very many men could offer her more freedom than I have. It is very unlikely that she would leave me anyway. She is crazily in love with me, but it doesn't make sense that she would leave me for someone who would, in all likelihood, offer her a more restrictive relationship. I am giving her the freedom to have as few or as many flings as she wants, and still come back to me with open arms and passionate kisses. Do you honestly think she could find a better deal than that?

I don't worry at all about our marriage. She isn't going to be out hunting cock at age 70. She is going to be hanging out with me watching PBS. She is the woman I will grow old with and the reason she is that woman is because she and I have a marriage that is perfect for us. If we had maintained our marriage as it was before, we would be probably end up divorced. This "open marriage" business saved our marriage.

I know that like I know I am sitting here typing these words.

Good point, and in fact, that's why I wasn't even sure if it could be called an "open marriage". As I said, the only other couple we knew in an open marriage were two horny creeps who used to get each other laid. He would hunt for guys for his wife, and she would hunt for chicks for him.

I take that back. When I was in the Navy, there was a guy who was supposedly in an "open marriage" but the way he talked about it... man, he was really uncomfortable. He tried to act like he was all cool with it, but the more he talked, the more I suspected that SHE wanted the open marriage so that she could fuck other men while he was at sea. I really believed that was what was going on.

Ustwo

Thats what most open marriages I hear about turn into which is why I think its so often a bad idea. Often its brought up by the man, but the man quickly finds out how much easier it is for a woman to find casual sex.

What you have wouldn't work for me, I don't trust other people enough to trust my wife in those situations. I have faith in her, its my fellow man I don't trust. Of course what my wife and I have wouldn't work for most people either so I'm not being judgemental.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

ASU2003

Would she get upset if you got some when you aren't in the country?

Have you ever tested this out?

Would there be a problem if her number got to be much higher than yours?

Daniel_

Whoa there, my Canadian friend.

Hold your horses, eh!

I made it clear in my post that I have trust issues, but hope the poster can make things work for him. I was not judgemental about his choice of lifestyle - that is never my style.

I was saying that the question in the OP was one that I would not want to find myself in the position of having to resolve for my own life, as it's hard to think that I could trust anyone enough to live the way that is suggested here.

One piece of advice I'd give to the poster is that he ought to think about agreeing that he be the second person to find out about his wife's intentions, not the third.

I'd say that if either of them want to have a fling, they should run it past the other in the marriage BEFORE they tell the lucky flingee.

I was trying in my post to say that TRUST IS EVERYTHING and to achieve this requires great levels of discussion and openness.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

SugahBritches

Thank you. I ditto this too. Yesterday I started reading this thread and was .......well, interrupted and wanted to get back to it! However, I am so glad I waited on some of the comments made. But, I have no comments either way, I always have questions! LOL! But, that is just me!

So, can you answer those questions please? Except that I don't understand if her NUMBER gets higher than yours since you have let her have free reign for some time now!

And please, I am not making light of your situation, I just try and see the humor in most things. I find that humor is good for the soul. However, I have also found out that humor during the middle of sex "might" not be his idea of humor. Heh.............but that is another story for another time!

EDITED COMMENT(an add on) : And another thing that I found out reading through this thread is that most folks try and ............well, let me try and be politically correct on this and not bite the other poster........(at least I will try! LOL!)........

I find that other folks try and see something in your words and then make a judgement/opinion on your feelings or character because they either don't understand or don't want to be open-minded to an issue that they don't believe in themselves. But, I PERSONALLY think that you only wanted to know the term (and evaluation) of your relationship with your wife. Is that not correct? I understand this concept for I think I annalyze most things to the ground!

rmarshall

Point noted, my english friend.
I just wanted an excuse to post the link as I thought it might be helpful.

__________________
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Lady Sage

Whatever works works I suppose although I pity the man who tries to "date" while with me...

...now where DID I put those bolt cutters...

__________________
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

Elphaba

^^^^

I'll share mine if you can't find yours.

ratbastid

That's the ol' "open marriage" spirit!

Lady Sage

Elph and I will only charge you $300 to watch!

__________________
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

Elphaba

Mr. Elph insists on $1000 since he claims it will require three surgeons with chain saws.

Seaver

I would try dating around if I were you. Test out the waters on her ability to handle it. She has shown she has no qualms about breaking her vows with you, but the true test is if she is ok when she sees you with another girl. Open marriages will NOT work unless both sides are truely equal.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

ratbastid

Not true. There absolutely are stable, solid relationships in which one person has the freedom to date outside and the other person isn't interested or for some other reason doesn't have that freedom. Whatever a couple agrees on and works for them, works. It's really not your or my or anyone else's place to make grand statements about what will work and what won't--people will surprise you with what they can create and have work for them.

Ustwo

ratbastid I know you are trying this and personally I'm worried for you long term.

There is a big difference to me between casual sex, being poly, and going on a 1-1 dating situation.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Frosstbyte

This paragraph bears repeating and emphasis. I have a friend who has all kinds of guys on the side while her husband is deployed overseas. And as much as she loves to reassure me that it's all good, I'm having a hell of a tough time buying it.

If you can look in the mirror and go to bed and feel that everything's alright, by all means, don't let my unimformed prejudice about the situation stop you from doing it. But if there's any whisper of doubt anywhere in your brain, stand up for yourself. There's nothing worse than a relationship in which one person is taking advantage of the other and the other doesn't put his foot down. You're better off not being in a relationship than you are being in a relationship in which you're not respected and have no control.

ratbastid

Ok. I appreciate your concern, but I'm confused by this.

What exactly do you think polyamory is?

Ustwo

A better question is what do you think it is?

All I can determine from a message board I frequent with a poly forum is most polys don't really have a clue to this question either.

To me it would have to be a together thing, with everyone in the group being 'equal' in terms of love etc.

What I find are terms like 'secondary', and question like 'Would it upset you if your secondary looked for their own primary' and other even more confused people. Some seem to be swingers that don't want to say that love and sex can be seperate, some are basically harems. I see a lot of FMF's where its a husband and bi-wife who picked up a younger stray female along the way.

What I think would be very bad though is a situation where two women love a man but don't love each other. What makes one fall in love I don't know but I'm not a romantic, its chemical, and its hard to be rational about it. I've seen this as a topic time and time again, and its always a disaster for someone. This is why I think 1-1 dating is bad.

I'd say MFM poly would be even worse in this case, but you almost never see that, as men are still men, and MFM goes against their nature. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but if you knew a couple were a triad and would be given money by guessing if it were MFM or FMF, the safe money is always on the FMF.

I was sort of disapointed from my investigation of poly relationships. It seems that few are able to last long term, (though my money is on the MFF+ types being the only ones who could make it) and most seem no different than swinging with close friends.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

kutulu

Unless you get to play around, it's a one-way open marriage. I don't understand it myself. How would she feel if you acted the same way?

ratbastid

Ustwo: You're mistaken or operating from poor assumptions on several levels here. I suspect you're bringing a swinger's view of things to polyamory. I don't know what other view you'd bring, of course, given that you've got experience with the one and not the other.

It's not that there's any particular type of relationship or poly-family structure that works and others that don't. People make whatever works for them work, end of story. There are plenty of relationships where one woman has two men. There are plenty where one man has two women who aren't with each other. Happens all the time.

The only guideline here is: Does everyone know and does everyone consent? If so, it's polyamory. Now, there are people who get into it for lousy reasons--same as swinging. There are people who are curious and try it and it doesn't work for them. There are people who get into it with good intentions, it works for a while, and they quit doing the work (putting jealousies to bed takes WORK!) and it goes to hell for them. But it's a mistake to turn that into "X type of relationship is fundamentally unstable". For every example you can find, I can find counter-examples. Whether it works out or not has a lot more to do with the individuals than some "IS" or "ISN'T" about it.

I'm finding myself drawn to defend my lifestyle here, which my rational mind knows is unnecessary. I do appreciate your worrying about us, but trust me when I say, we've worked out everything we need to work out to be very comfortable with our choices, and we're clear we're both committed to doing the work in the future.

Ustwo

Taken to PM's, to far off the OP I think at this point

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

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SugahBritches

Interesting stuff UsTwo and Ratbastid. I hate to think we lost our OP. Hurry back Player! Jeeze. I want to see the answer to our questions. I'm curious!

Gretsch Player

Good replies all. I would be happy to sit and write a long response, but I simply can't. I am sorry.

Can I, for now, suffice to say that her 'numbers' and my 'numbers' don't matter? I am actually gently encouraging her to have her first fling with my knowledge and consent.

As far as her reaction to me having a fling, it wouldn't be as good. She told me, she would tolerate it, but she can't smile about the idea of it, like I can smile about the idea of her having her fling. And actually, that's ok by me. Someone in the thread said that what matters is what we have worked out for our own mutual benefit (or words to that effect) and this is what we have worked out.

I am not interested in pursuing pussy outside the marriage. She has already shown that, upon occassion (about once per decade or so) she can become interested in finding cock outside of the marriage. If she is overcome with the desire to fuck someone, she can.

I wish I had time to write more, but I can't now. Can you wait for about 12 days for a far more detailed answer?

Cheers

Ustwo

Sounds like we are moving into the Hot Wife catigory here.

From what I gather most these guys are not really interested in other women , and I'm not sure if MFM qualifies as a 'hot wife' but its a wikki piece. Can't say I understand it, but it seems to work for people.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Kaliena

Honestly, I think the "putting a term on it" will cause more problems then it's worth.

I generally am a "term" person and I try to find the proper name/name with the right characteristics to go along with what's going on. However, I also found that term ended up limiting what I was doing, made me more confused, caused more guilt, etc. So, if you're anything like me, forget the term.

As for you and your wife, honestly, what works in each relationship is different for every single couple out there. It's hard to believe that only the few terms that exist are acceptable and encompass all the issues and situations that come along with relationships.

I guess the most I can say is: kudos for you and your wife. As long as the communication is clear and honest, there shouldn't be any problems.

__________________
~Beware the waffle~

SugahBritches

Wow. This just gets deeper and deeper.

About 'terms'..........well, sometimes it helps to define groups/ associations/organizations which help the reader to determine what the heck is going on. LIKE ME! LOL!

Holy cow. Does Barnes & Nobles carry this topic UsTwo?