JamesB

So,

Its been a few months since the love of my life dumped my sorry ass. Things were really rough for me for about a month and a half after I was dumped. I think I did a pretty good job of coping - no rebounds, no substance abuse, etc. In fact, my distraction was to jump on my mountain bike and ride for at least an hour any time I felt any kind of anxiety.

Last we talked, we were going to give things another shot - take it slow and see what happens. We went on a date and things felt fairly safe - not 'familiar' but not awkward. The next day rolls around and she sent me a very cold email saying that she never wanted to see me again. It was quite harsh - she said something to the effect that she can not let herself be charmed by me again. She dumped me because her mom hates me - the same mom who openly admits to her about being controlling and manipulative.

So now university is back in session and we both go to the same school. I am in my final year which should be a blessing.

The problem that I am facing now is that I have feelings of anxiety about going to school. The last thing on earth I want is to see my ex. but I know it is inevitable. I intentionally skipped the first day of classes because I felt so uneasy about the whole thing.

I have been sleeping very poorly due to the anxiety and wake up not wanting to go to school every day. I desperately need to change this mentality - I just don't know how I can.

Any suggestions?

I know that I could do the obvious and just confront her saying 'hi'. I really don't know how well I would handle it though. She was my everything.

__________________
-- apt-get install spare_time --

ngdawg

Anxiety is letting something take control of us and feeling powerless to stop it from doing so. Therefore, there are a couple of ways you could approach it.
You could tell yourself that you won't allow another person to control your actions, which is what is happening right now. She has control. Should she? If she walked out of your life, I'd say no, not anymore. Life has pain, but it isn't stagnant. You need to force yourself to take back your power and move forward with it.
You could totally submit to the anxiety. Scream, cry, yell, punch pillows (a plastic baseball bat works wonders for this). Imagine her face on one of those pillows. Call her every name you can think of. Get angry at allowing all this anxiety to overtake you. Grieve. Then you get dressed, take a deep breath and begin anew. Focus on the good parts of you, not what 'might have been'. Focus on your studies, not who you might see in the halls. Keep busy. Live.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Sage

ngdawg hit it on the head. I too have had this kind of anxiety- it's hard... sitting there inside you like a snake coiling and biting your heart, making it hard to breathe... and you feel like the only thing you can think about is the anxiety, which only makes it worse. However, you hit the nail on the head earlier with your bike riding. Getting out and DOING something drives the anxiety away.

When you let someone become "your everything," then you aren't leaving any room in your life for your own personal growth. You come to rely on someone else more and more to tell you what to do, who to be, how to think... and then when that person goes away (as they inevetiably will), you don't know what to do. Right now you're anxious because you centered your whole world around this one person, when you should be centering your world around YOU. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. You will never betray you, you will always love you and be there for you. Focus on YOU. Ride your bike more. Go to school and get a good education. BREATHE. It's going to be hard, but work at it every day, and it will get better quickly. Promise

__________________

robot_parade

Yep. What those guys said ^.

Her email response seems strange - the only interpretation I can come to is that she actually enjoyed spending time with you, and realized or decided that she didn't want to get back together. Still, that email was inexcusable harsh.

Personally, I would tell her "I didn't deserve that. If you don't want to get back together, then that's your choice. But there's no reason for us to hate each other."

It sounds like you are letting your ex control you, and she is letting her mother control her. The mother should let her daughter live her own live, and you ex should stand up for herself. However, you can't make either of them behave well. The only thing you can do is stay away, stand up for yourself, and move on.

Not really sure if I can help much with the pain that seeing her will cause - I've been there, and the only thing I can say is stick it out - it *will* fade, even though it doesn't seem like it now. Don't let her actions hurt your education.

longbough

You do know that the right thing to do is to attend classes regardless of a broken heart. Unfortunately your heart won't do the "logical" thing ... you have to at least "go through the motions" of class even if you're not at your best.

When I was applying for medical school I was seriously dating this girl from Peru. She was studying in the US and was planning to stay but then a family problem forced her to go back to Lima. I was "this close" to dropping my medical career entirely and get a quick engineering degree so I could move to South America to be with her. But she dumped me (the reason is a longer story) before I could get that plan off the ground. In hindsight it was a stupid thing to do but at the time it seemed like I had no choice.

In your case don't let your feelings control your actions. It's OK to feel hurt and shitty - but let it happen and still do what you have to do. Don't sit around and stew. Let your brain drag your body over to class so you can have a future. Infatuations and relationships come and go ... but dropping the ball when it comes to your studies and future career can be irreparable.

Life is all about joy and hurt - but the trick is to accept that fact and keep in motion despite it all.

JamesB

Some great advice gang. I pretty much know that I have to force myself to just make my way to class despite my fear of an encounter.

I am desperately trying to take back control - I wish I could wipe her from my memory for now. Since school started my having to cope with the end of the relationship has come back quite a bit. I am dreaming of her once again, waking up wanting to be cuddled by her every time - its quite depressing actually.

I used to think the idea of those so-called "cuddle parties" was messed up .. now I could really go for something like that - lol. Damn this sucks, but I will live.

__________________
-- apt-get install spare_time --

MageB420666

Man, that shit really sucks. I was dumped by "everything" 1 year and 30 days ago. I pretty much thought my life was over, although I had the advantage of not being at the same school as her anymore. It seems like you've already taken some pretty good steps so far, keeping yourself busy is an absolute must. Staying away from drugs or alcohol abuse is another must. Skipping classes = bad though. Keep on going to them, they will help distract you from thinking about her.

Also get out to some campus social events, meet new people and make new friends, start forming a new life, instead of trying to live your old life without her. If you start doing new stuff, and creating a new life that does not involve her, it will be a lot less painfull than trying to live your old life and feeling the loss of her everyday. Oh yeah, also try to stop thinking about her as the "love of your life", thats a pessimistic attitude. You will meet someone else, and you will wind up loving that person just as much as you love your ex, if not more so. Life is not set in stone, you don't just have 1 chance at finding someone to spend your life with.

__________________
Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

high_jinx

all good advice in the same vein here.

i like the garden analogy. think of you and your ex's psyches as gardens. when you were together you were taking care of each other's gardens, pouring lots of energy into each other's garden. now that you're on your own, you have to redirect all your energy that was going outward and take care of yourself... this is not an entirely bad thing. we forget that there are certain things that only you can do to take care of your garden.

The key word i can add to everyone else's advice here is "accomplishment". you gotta build things up and hit milestone goals you set to feel better. and it has to be beyond the scope of your main time sinks, like work and school. it doesn't matter if it's art or fitness or finance... when you achieve some tangible accomplishments, they become building blocks to a new chapter in your life and a whole new you.

your confidence mirrors these accomplishments and is built up right alongside. and you suddenly go off the charts when it comes to being attractive to the ladies... to the point where your on a new chapter w/ them as well as with yourself.

good luck, buck up, and keep your head up.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

Starkizzer

I do not know what I would do if I lost the love of my life, other than figure (after many tears) that maybe they weren't really the love of my "life" or my everything. To dump you for the reason of her mom is low and misplacing blame to help her not feel so bad. If you were together for a long time she may have grown or become a different person. You may have met all of her needs up to that point and she determined that she needed more or something different. You now need to do what it takes to get yourself what YOU need and start over. She was just one chapter in your life and your story does not end with her so don't let it.

__________________
Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey