slimshaydee

for someone to act after a breakup if they wish to have the best possible opportunity at a future time to get back with someone. Now before anyone says anything, I know you can't change how someone feels (the reason we broke up was because she didn't think she felt the same way anymore) and that I should move on. I want to move on, and have been having a blast the last 4-5 days as a single guy partying with mates. However, I would like to keep the option open for the future because she was a great girl to be around and we always had fun together. If it we don't end up back together though it's not a problem as I'm 21 and still have plenty of my life ahead of me and won't have trouble finding new girls while I'm still young.

After we broke up we talked for a little while and actually had a bit of a laugh about things and she was adament that we should still be friends. She told me that she feels for me more as a friend now, which is new to me since I've never been able to have plutonic female friends as we've always ended up sleeping together at some stage, and I've always cut off all contact with other girls after we've broken up.

Anywho, the stupid thing I did was to be immature about it the next day when we were talking on msn. I was saying very stupid things and it pretty much pissed her off. However I rang her later to apologise, and I have been real mature about things when talking to her since the breakup (we've talked a few times on msn for short periods).

Where should I go from here if I want to have her an an option in case things change in the future? This is a new experience for me and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

savvypup

Be yourself. It's the only way you can be and by that I mean, act the way you feel. From the sounds of it, you're not overyly upset and nor is she.

The best relationships I think start from great friendships.

__________________

ciao bella!

ratbastid

That's pretty much the attitude to shoot for.

I got broken up with about three years ago, at a time when I was totally unprepared for it. There were other circumstances that made it harder than your average breakup, too. I basically did everything I had to do to train myself out of thinking of her in an intimate or sexual way. After a little while, I was able to be "cool" around her--laid back, not expecting or hoping for anything. It was actually all the pressure I had put on her to be close to me that had been the problem in our relationship in the first place. Now, three years later, we're back together and closer than we've ever been. It's not as if the breakup never happened, it's like that was a necessary speedbump, and exposed issues that we had to deal with to get where we are now.

You've got to honestly be over her, while still open to the possibility that something might happen there. She's got to get that you've gotten past it.

The analogy I use here is: ever played with a puppy? A puppy's favorite game is to dance around just out of arm's reach. If you lunge for the puppy, it'll skitter away from you. You'll NEVER catch the puppy. But if you sit down and be still, the puppy will come up and investigate you. If you're still enough and don't make any sudden moves, the puppy might even climb into your lap. Make the puppy come to you.

Incidentally, the word is "platonic".

slimshaydee

That was the problem with us. I almost let it slip that I thought I loved her and it scared her off.

That's a great analogy. I had something similar in my mind but that's probably the best way to put it.

Thanks for the great advice

dalnet22

Yeah, and then when the puppy grows into a mature dog, games aren't necessary anymore.

Sorry, I just think those games are ridiculous.

Toaster126

It's not a game. It's life. People respond to that instinctually.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Martian

It's definitely not a game and ratbastid's analogy holds merit. The dude definitely knows what he's talking about in the affairs and offices of love.

My attitude is slightly different. The way I approach it sounds a bit counter-intuitive but it really amounts to the same thing.

I see it like this - if you want to ever have a chance of getting back together with this girl, you need to get it in your head that it's not really an option. Let's face it, at this point it isn't. I see a lot of people who want to recapture what they had; I'm guilty of the same thing, previously. The problem with that is, what you had is gone. Anything that develops now will be something different. In that respect, your attitude is basically where you want to be.

Whatever develops next is going to be out of your hands. You want to be with her, she doesn't want to be with you. She's the less interested party, which basically means that she decides where the relationship goes. This isn't game playing or power maneuvering, it's just a simple fact of life. You want to be with her, it's up to her to decide in the future whether she wants to be with you again or not. So, don't sit around holding your breath. Don't try to win her back. Don't chase after her. Forcing the issue is just going to cause her to go the other way and fast, as you've discovered.

She wants to be friends, so be her friend. That doesn't mean be her friend on the condition or hope that you get a future shot at her. Just treat her as another friend of yours. Leave the past in the past and try to have fun with her in the context of your new relationship. That might mean taking a few days or even weeks while you get all the old crap out of your system; if that's the case, explain to her that you just need a little bit of time to clear your head. And then, just let things flow. You may grow apart, you may get back together. Either or both of you may meet someone new. None of this is necessarily bad, although from the headspace you're in right now drifting apart from her probably really seems that way.

Basically, you need to take a bit of a que sera, sera approach here. Let things go where they're going to go and try not to worry about what's come before. If you can do that and if you can truly let go of your relationship with her, you'll have the best chance you're going to of reconciling.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

ratbastid

It's absolutely not a game. If you do that thinking it's a game and going to get you something, you've already lost.

If the puppy is EVER going to be in your lap, it's because it's crawled there, not because you reached out and grabbed it. So let that happen if it's going to happen, and don't go trying to force anything that won't happen on its own.

little_tippler

Love the analogy ratbastid, couldn«t have thought of a better one myself!

Stay friends, be yourself, don't worry. And maybe one day...

Good luck! :thumbs up:

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918