She loves me, but yet she hurts me
 

I have been in a long distance relationship for over 6 months. Yes, things are hard, but we plan on being near each other this fall. Mostly everything is fine except for this one problem: my girlfriend says hurtful things to me on the phone occasionally.

Let me elaborate. First off, I talk to her on the phone every night, we know each other very well, and really dont have any secrets as we are very open with each other and tell each other everything. The problem is that every now and then she has says some very mean and messed up stuff to me. As an example, she told me one night how I'm holding her back because she's 3 years ahead of me in college and how she is not going to want to be graduated with a job and have a boyfriend who's still in school. Then a half hour later after I've told her how that hurts me, she apologizes and says she's sorry and that she really doesnt mean it and loves me. I ask her if she's breaking up with me, and then she takes on a shocked attitude and says of coure not, and why would I think that.

Like I said, we are very open and one day she asked me if I ever masterbate, and I said yes occasionally. Everything in me told me not to answer the question, and I did not want to, but like I said we are very open and I dont hold anything back nor lie to her so I answered the question. Well she was very pissed and upset at me and told me how she doesnt want to associate with people who do that, and that it's sad I do that, and disgusting, and she expects that from people in junior high, not people my age. (I'm 23, she's 20.) I explained to her that it is normal for guys to do this, especially if they are not having sex. (Remember we live far away and I dont see her often.) But then again, a half hour later or so she apologizes and tells me how much she loves me and that she's "just telling me how she feels."

So basically, I have someone who I love that I feel I am being driven away from because of the hurtful things she says to me. Everything else is fine in our relationship except for this. I've told her that she needs to stop saying stuff like this, because I cant deal with it and it hurts me, and she says she wont do it again, but always does. My guess is we've had maybe 5-8 of these instances where she says stuff like this to me. Any advice on what's going on here and what I should do? I'm at the point right now where I'm avoiding talking to her and instead doing stuff with friends, because I am still hurt and pissed off after the last of these conversations 2 days ago. Thanks for any help.

Well, it certainly sounds like you are the more mature one, even if you are younger in years. To clarify, when she says the hurtful thing, do you immediately call her on it, or stew on it for half an hour until she apologizes? Perhaps by being honest with her about masterbation among other things you are helping her to grow as a person (she does apologize...).

I'd be careful about how long you go without talking to her though, what sustains the LDR (as I call them) is communication.

For clarification, I'm actually the older one but she is farther along in school :)

Oh, and to answer your question, usually I am rather upset when she starts saying stuff like that, so I just listen until she's done and I suppose I do stew on it a bit before I tell her.

As chauvinistic as it sounds... Don't take shit from her. I'd suggest, the next time she says something hurtful, call her on it immediately. If you let her say something thoughtless and hurtful like you're holding her back, it'll just set a precedent for her to be able to stomp on you as she pleases. You have a backbone, use it. And if she's worried about you jacking off, tell her at least you don't have some other girl doing it for you. Let her know how much it pisses you off, and if she can't be a little nicer, I'm sure you can find a girl that'll treat you civilly that lives much closer to you anyways.

Re: She loves me, but yet she hurts me
 

OK, first, yes, to each their own...no disrespect intended, the sexuality of your relationship is a personal decision, etc etc (seriously)

but...

:confused:

wtf?


ok....is just, this strikes me as a bit odd.
of *course* you masturbate. duh. you ain't gettin anything else atm.

and furthermore...

i was in LDR with my bf until i moved to him (i was in MN, USA, he is (and now we are) in Germany, Europe)...
and we *both* knew very well that we *both* masturbated.

hell, masturbating with him whilst on the fone (and him doing the same) ..was our sex life, until i moved here. is great to be IRL now, to get real sex (and occasional masturbation, together, heh)...but our 'phone sex' was all we had, and it sure helped, i think.

bah, imo, your girlfriend sounds a wee bit too uptight, and she's not very nice, either.

yeah, cool that she apologises, maybe there's hope, but i dunno.

oh, and you *definitely* should call her on it when she's a bitch. don't just sit there, hurting. say something. (in a respectful way, so you're respectable...of course)

hmm, good luck :)

and keep masturbating!

heh, tell her to try it sometime, she mite like it and may put her in a better mood :p

You don't have to take that buddy and I think it's worse for the fact it's over the phone. Honestly she's probably just frustrated at not being able to be with you, hardships of school blah blah blah but she shouldn't take it out on you. Yes in a relationship you are there for eachother and sometimes you just need to let your other rant after a long day and know it's not personal but I don't think this is the case here.

Maybe she's one of those women who don't mastrabate? Phone sex is a definate possibility here to get her to loosen up.

I'm taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. One of two options. She's hurting you unintentionally: She's never going to stop, so get used to it. She's hurting you intentionally: She's never going to stop, so get used to it. I think she's got issues. What kind of relationship do her parents have? That's what she's been taught.

Hard to imagine how remarks of this type are unintentional. Especially when she's asking questions that are meant to find an answer she can attack. Why put up with this?

sadism!!

but honestly, like mtsgsd said, why put up with this? I suggest seriously reevaluating this person

you seem to have invested alot of yoruself into this girl, so i'd keep things going until you both are closer (location-wise) so you two can really figure out yrou compatibility... you'd be suprised how many long-distance relationships fall apart once you've gotten some quality face time and really figured out this person who you've chatted at for the last six months. really keep an open mind when you two bein spending time together, and if you have any misgivings at all, i say that's yoru sign that you're better off not continuing.

i agree with the otehrs, call her on her comments as soon as possible and be fair about it, don't go on the attack, but make sure she knows how you feel.

Maybe she had PMS... My gf gets like that too around that time of the month.....

Okay, this is gonna hurt a bit...get out, dude! She sounds like she's pretty focused on having lots of control over you when she's not there. Find someone closer who can relax and relate. Masturbation. Sheesh. She's so nervous that you're having a good time without her. Find someone else. If she says these things then apologizes, she's actually checking your responses. If you always respond the same way "oh, that's okay" then she's won. You'll be oppressed for the rest of your life. Its YOUR life. GO have fun! Without the burdens of this chick.

I have to agree with jujuye. This girl sounds like bad news. I don't know that I would even wait till you can spend some time together in person. Even if she's just "telling you how she feels" there's a HUGE difference between doing this in a respectful and honest way, and grilling you and judging you.

It could be that this is just her way of finding out about you, and she's just a REALLY bad communicator - maybe she just takes some time to make up her mind about the things she's learning aobut you, and she speaks before she thinks. But if a relationship isn't based on mutual respect and admiration, what's the point?