HLP

So I just got out of a long relationship and started getting into the dating scene again and quickly found a girl at school. Over a few weeks we got pretty physically attractive to each other and I thought we were opening up to each other. She is back at school currently taking a summer class and wanted to check in since it had been about a week since I last talked to her.

Now here is the situation, I found her Xanga and did not tell her and I have been randomly checking in on it since she was having some problems with her brother and I didnt think I was hearing the entire story, then I happened to read this...

Now that I have read this I know that it was fun while it lasted and I'll stop it here.

But my real question is, was this an ethical thing to do? Did I have any right to read her journal? Is it public domain now its online? If I were to persue her without reading this and cause more turmoil would that have been worse? Do the ends justify the means?

Also, any help specifically to my situation would be appeciated. Its been a while since I've had to court a girl too.

BigDonkey2

I'd say its perfectly fine if you read her journal. She knows its free for the public to read so why would you think it wouldn't be? It's not like reading her diary. You have every right to read whatever she puts online. I think if you pursued her without reading that then things could've potentially gotten worse for you, being that you didn't know she was into you. You also never know how someone feels until you ask them. I think the ends do justify the means. Did she give you any indication that she wasn't that into you or did she just plain tell you?

Nisses

"But my real question is, was this an ethical thing to do? Did I have any right to read her journal? Is it public domain now its online? "

Ethics are always partly a personal point of view. That you're wondering is a sign that as for your ethics, you went borderline, or maybe a little over, because it feels like you intruded on her personal thoughts and feelings.
The only reason you feel this way, is because in this case it applies directly to you.
Ask yourself if you would be having the same doubts had you read this about somebody else who you don't have any connection with?
If you would still have those doubts, then you really went too far.

I wouldn't have these doubts however. Seeing as how I just read it through your quoting it in your post. I do *not* think I went to far in reading this.

She posted it to a public site, for different people to read it. So if she didn't want people to know about this, she wouldn't have submitted it, at least that's how I see it.

"If I were to persue her without reading this and cause more turmoil would that have been worse? "

I think the answer can't really be had right now... In the end, she might have come around and start feeling the same thing for you as you do for her.
In the end, she might have gotten more and more annoyed and dropped you alltogether. Can't really say.

If you aren't the kind of person that thinks of this as "a challenge", then you had best stop it right now.
Doesn't mean you can't be friends tho.

"Do the ends justify the means?"
In moderation sure. If you're thinking about killing the guy next to you to get the last donut in the box, then you're a bit too far tho.

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NotAnAlias

If she didn't want people to read it, she wouldn't have firstly put it on the internet, and secondly, written it in a style of language that includes an audience (albeit an unidentified one).

You didn't infringe on anything by reading it.

[edited because i'm a retard who can't spell :<]

savvypup

I did a similar thing not so long ago - from the girls side this is. Although I knew it was in a public forum and there for all to read, it was the fact that a particular person, specifically set out to try and find everything I'd written ..... and then used it against me.

On one hand you did nothing wrong, because if it wasn't there for people to read she wouldn't have posted it.

However, it seems to me that you deliberately set out to delve into her journal, for what you're telling us was to find out the whole story between her and her brother. Of which really, is none of your concern. I think this kind of tells you ......... don't you think?

You're hurt because she seems to have been deceptive, but .... tit for tat.

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VirFighter

With facebook, myspace, etc; I doubt it was really all that hard for HLP to find her xanga site in the first place. She was not having a private conversation with a friend or writing in her own personal journal, she was posting things to a website for all the world to see.

She might not quite grasp that "for all the world to see" concept, I'm guessing that most people that post on xanga and the like do not. Ever since I started keeping a blog/online journal of sorts, I've made sure to post nothing I wouldn't want anyone else to read (I keep a real journal for those sorts of private thoughts). I love the fact that these sites have brought back the concept of keeping a journal, but I wish people would understand that it is a public journal.

Should HLP have told her he found her xanga site? Sure, why not, just bring it up in casual conversation. "Oh hey, I came across your xanga site the other day, I didn't realize you had one of those, pretty cool." Should he feel bad or deceptive for reading it anyway? Hell no.

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HLP

Thanks for the insight guys. While I'll have to agree that I brought this up to try to alleviate some guilt I have to read it without ever telling her.

We had a conversation and I asked what on earth was bothering her and was about to leave out of frustration when she finally said she was too busy with school and work right now and her family was still irking her a bit. Now I guess I missed the part when she was trying to tell me that she didnt have time for me and was trying to let me off easily! Oh well, I'll have to work on that.

I was thinking the same thing. Its my way to try to get a crowd (even if its an anonymous forum) to my point of view.

I wouldn't say I was hurt but I also get your point. But I would rather have it end like this by reading it than try to persue her more and cause more undue harm. While I might try to bring this up later, I'll let both her and myself cool for a while. I might see whats up when classes are back in session. And I might just try to keep her as a friend. We never became that serious that this is still an option.

So thanks again guys, and more opinions are always welcome.

thed00t

"Whatever, I told him that I didn't want to be with him and he took that as, give her time and it will work out. "

Did she tell you this? You didn't say in your post, and I assume from your tone that you were suprised to read what she had to say.

If she didn't make her intentions clear, I'd say she's more ethically in the wrong by writing that in her journal without actually telling you.

I'd say if she wrote that, and she didn't tell you, she probably didn't care if you found it. It might even be the case that she wrote it on purpose so you would find it and she could take the cowards way out of telling you. By writing that in her blog she's allowed herself to come off as the stronger person when she's really probably just a coward. She's trying to empower and reafirm her insecurities via written word. If she did tell you before she wrote that, then it probably doesn't apply.

I wouldn't worry about the ethical side of it. If anything bro, you were just a friend wanting to keep up with a long distance friend. That's what blogs are for, right?

Psycho Dad

How long have you been reading it? If you just happened upon it that would be one thing. But if this has carried on for some time it is borderline unethical at least IMHO if you thought there was any relationship there at all.

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NotAnAlias

Here's an idea - she may have put it there in the vague hope that you would find it and read it, not having the courage to tell you to your face, or at least initiate a conversation on the topic.

snowy

I actually had a guy get on here after I had mentioned it once and read my journal.

My LiveJournal, etc. I expect to be read, and are edited appropriately, or locked. I hadn't expected my journal here to be read, and when I received a call about it from him, I tried to act all cool, but I felt like it was a huge invasion of my privacy because of all the effort involved. For quite a while afterwards, my entries were locked to journal buddies.

But like I said--when you put something in as public a forum as your Xanga, you expect things to be read. But personally, I think it's kind of rude to not let her know that you've been reading it.

At any rate--on another note--take it easy. You're just out of a long-term relationship. Stop and get your breath first before trying to jump into anything else.

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Toaster126

If you put things in a public forum, someone will probably read them. Solution: if it bothers you, don't put that shit online.

I wouldn't say your actions are unethical; I'd say hers were because she said she told you she wasn't interested on her journal but she didn't in real life.

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Jinn

I'd do it. And it'd probably feel unethical. However, as soon as I discovered that it was about me and malicious.. well.. vindicated comes to mind.

I really don't see a problem with what you did, and I'm sorry that you had to find out that way, man.

Best of luck..

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Ample

I dont see anything wrong with what you did. I would totally confront her about it. She made you feel like shit, now its time to return the favor. Even better make a comment on her site, if you can. Let her friends know what a true friend she really is.

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LoganSnake

You feel guilty about reading her journal that she posted on the internet on a public website where millions of people could read it?

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Impetuous1

I'm with Ample on this one. She chose to be cowardly and not tell you in person. You don't have to be rude or nasty. Just leave her a nice message on her journal and tell her that she should have let you know in person if she wasn't interested. That way at least, you can get a real gauge on what kind of person she is depending on how she reacts. Just be glad you found out now before you really fell for her. Oh, also I don't think you were unethical in any way. If she didn't want her journal to be read she shouldn't have posted it online. That simple.

Derwood

Sometimes the ends do justify the means.

My best friend found out his girlfriend of 5+ years was cheating on him. How? He logged on and checked her email. Unethical? Yes, an invasion of privacy to be sure. But now he knows and ended the relationship and is glad he did it.

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noodle

Those of us who keep a journal or write about things that are stored on a page where other people can see it, have to understand that if you write it, they will read it. Most of the time. I live and breathe HIPPA and have learned how to keep from pouring everything out in a manner which could be interpreted as a breach of someone's trust or privacy. It doesn't stop me from being open, honest, etc. and not having to say certain things out loud. It's my escape.

As for reading her on-line journal that is posted in a public place, I really don't feel you did anything wrong. Now, if you kept it from her that you were reading it on a daily basis and using it as a way to monitor your relationship, base your responses to her, and determine where you both stand, then things get iffy in my book of morals.

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