62ford

Hey, if you are here then hopefully you read the first part of this whole situation. Well, i did confront my wife yesterday, and the truth all came out. Unfortunately the truth was that she is seeing someone else. Although i did have an idea that she was, but i was really wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. She says that she didnt want to tell me because she didnt want to hurt me. But, there went that idea. She says that i wasnt giving her what she wanted. That she met this guy when she was out one day, and that he provides that "love" that i wasnt giving her. Should i be kicking myself in the ass for failing to love her the "right way", or should i just move on. The large part of me is hateing her right now. The problem i have is that we have such a big history, aside from being my wife she has been my best friend. I was wondering, for those who have been through this, how do you move on without that person in your life? It is a good thing we dont have kids, but i am good friends with her family, i have been the uncle to her neice and nephew, which we babysat all of the time. So, losing all of that stuff as well as losing her, really is killing me right now. I am not really wanting to try to make anything work at this point, i just need advice on moving on. Also, how the hell do i keep my mind off of her and her "new man". All i can think about is that instead of being home with me like usual, she is in bed with this other guy, who i just want to strangle. Anyway, any and all advice is welcomed. Thank you again.

sadeianlinguist

That sucks. When she said you're not "loving her the right way," what does she mean? If you're frigid or mean and have been for years, I can understand having an affair (although I think she should have divorced if that's the case). Honestly, it's not your fault for what she did.

I've not been married yet, but I have been cheated on. I am willing to forgive anything once, unless the person acts disrespectfully afterwards. My ex-boyfriend was extremely disrespectful after cheating. His hygiene got worse. He drank more. He was sexually selfish. He bragged about the cheating to anyone who would listen. He groped a mutual friend of ours and blamed HER. Then he got dumped.

Point is, someone who gets forgiven has to be remorseful about what they've done. From what you've told me, it doesn't sound like you're losing a very nice person. Some people are cancerous in our lives. Ask her what she wants, and if you can, take a break for awhile. Have a night out, or a weekend trip alone.

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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

abaya

Oh, god. I am so sorry to hear that, 62ford.

There are other TFP'ers who have gone through this, and who will be able to offer more helpful advice. I have not gone through it, so my questions are about what you both want right now: do you both want to try and repair this and continue the relationship? Marriage is not a thing to throw away lightly, though it seems she has already made that decision, but have you? Would you both be willing to see a counselor together, or do you truly feel there is nothing redeemable left in the relationship?

Did she seem remorseful, or was she just disappointed to be caught in the act? Why wasn't she communicating earlier about what she didn't feel she was getting from you? "Not wanting to hurt you" is not a good enough excuse, especially for confessing about cheating. At its core, that statement is pretty much self-centered... it means she didn't want to feel the burden of guilt on herself.

Uggh, shit I hate it when these things happen. I'm sorry, man.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

BigBen

So this is how long it takes for my echo to return...

Wow, I was screaming down a long tunnel.


Seriously, I went through the same thing.

Ben's not kidding. He really went through this. Right here on TFP. Click HERE.

I am on my own, happy, with good friends around me and my confidence back. I thought I would die. I really did. We were married 8 1/2 years. Together for 13. She was my one, my only love. I would have died to save her life. I preoccupied myself with how she felt that I started to ignore my own feelings. I would gauge how I was feeling by how SHE was feeling.

Dude, it is tough. I know.

I am keeping a beer in the fridge for you. I won't drink it until you are doing better. (I'll drink the ones around it, though...)

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

62ford

First off, thank you all for you comments. Ben, thank you man, it seems like you know exactly how i feel. I would take a bullet for her. And right about now, yeah i feel like i could die, as though i am lost now without her. But i will let you know when things blow over so you can drink that beer...lol. To answer the other questions, she does seem remorseful, but at the same time is already calling this guy her new boyfriend and seeing him on a daily basis. So it does not really matter if i wanted to try and repair the relationship or not. Yeah, she seems to have thrown the marriage away. Again she appears remorseful, but does not really act on it, and acts like she hasnt really done anything wrong. So hopes for a future with her, none really whatsoever. So now its just a matter of learning to move on, which is turning out to be much harder than expected. Thanks again for the advice, it does really help to have some people to talk to who seem to understand what i am going through.

maleficent

moving on takes time... you'll get there...

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Ample

Im really sorry ford. My exwife pulled something sorta like that on me, I feel for you.

Don't blame yourself
Don't blame yourself

If you are thinking of going out an getting yourself and hookin up with someone at a bar or something. It will make you feel good, but you will just feel like shit the next day.

My advise is get the ball rollin' get them separation papers. Go out and look for a new place or if she is leaving get her going. Start over new, don't bring anything that reminds you of her. When I moved out. I took the computer and a TV, and that was it.

Nisses

Sorry to hear that. However, her reasons seem bogus to me. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon and saying: don't blame yourself, this is not entirely your fault.

Also... Keep busy. The friends you have, call em up, go out to do something.

Don't just sit there and analyse. Join the army if needed (I'm sure Ben could find a spot, that way he can save that beer for *you* ) Just keep active.

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Moderation should be moderately moderated.

tres

I'm very sorry for what your going through ... If you don't mind me asking..Were there ANY warning signs at all? One of my biggest fears about marriage is a situation like this.. because you NEVER see something like this comming....

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"Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant

"Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

absorbentishe

Umm, can you talk about things, and try to fix it, or is it over?? You've been married for quite a while. Try to get to a counselor if she will, and if not, try harder. If you want to stay together, then work harder at it, and ask her to do the same. Figure out where the mistakes were, then don't do them again. Relationships do tend to get stale, and you have to work at it, all the time. Talk with her about counseling.

Clark

Dose she still live with you? Do you still pay all her bills? Are you paying for thier dates?

You are asking the right questions. Thier are know essy answers. I was engaged in my early 20's to a girl I lived with for 3 years. Things went south I tried to fight for her but in the end she was gone. It took time I thought she was the only one. Boy was I wrong. I have been haply maried for going on 6 years now to the most wonderful woman. I look back to that past relationship and wonder what was I doing.

At some point her actions need to have an affect on her life not just yours. Maby she should start havign to pay half the bills if she is going to treat you like a room mate.

This is the worst but there is another side and it is wonderful here.

Clark

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Dyslexic please excuse the spelling.

Toaster126

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=104919 <-- that's his previous thread, if anyone searches for it like I did.

Well, I stand by my statement in that thread, and would add that you shouldn't let her fuck up your life even more. Work on yourself and things you like to do. Be glad that you found about this now rather than further down the line.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Marvelous Marv

That was my question. Just about any woman in the world in your shoes would have had the locks changed by now. She may not be in any hurry to stop spending your money, so you need to give her a little help in that direction.

AFTER you talk to a lawyer.

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"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money."
Margaret Thatcher

Martian

No part of this is easy.

She may continue to try to blame you for this, but it's worth noting that she's the one at fault (said umpteen times already, I know). It's not that you didn't love her right, it's that she didn't tell you what you were doing wrong, if anything. You can't be expected to divine such things from thin air.

Financial and legal advice has already been provided and I can't really add much to it. Give yourself time to be upset over this as well as time to relax. You need to let yourself feel how you're going to feel without letting it control your life. There will be times when you'll feel like it's all too much to carry and there will be times when your anger will surpass everything. Let it go, do what you need to do. Try taking up a physical activity, like strength training or a sport if you don't already. Physical exertion is a great way to relieve stress and it'll get you out of the house. A lot of folks have a tendency to dwell when left to their own devices, which can be very crippling to the process of getting past this. You don't want to sit there and try to puzzle out what went wrong, you want to move past this and onto bigger and better things.

The folks on this forum are some of the kindest and most understanding individuals I've ever known in any form. If you need someone to talk to, I will personally offer my own ear to bend and I can state with confidence that most of the other folks here will do the same.

Take care of yourself. We're all pulling for you.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

genuinegirly

Get a lawyer.
move out.
have a bonfire with the photos.
keep yourself busy.
keep away from alcohol.

don't go to counseling. Don't give it a second chance unless she initiates it.

Feel free to hate her.
Feel free to want to beat the crap out of him.
Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling.
Go to work every day.
Reach out and find male buddies.
Arrange a poker night.

Do something you never thought you'd do (bungee jumping, skydiving, extreme ironing, etc)

and just remember we all care about you.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

shreddar

Sometimes you've got to just cut and move on. It sucks but if there isn't a trusting relationship left what is there?

62ford

Thanks you guys, all of your support has been overwhelming, and i mean that in a good way. Well, as an update, i have moved on. I have moved back in with my parents for the time being, just to get out of that house. I am still in the process of getting all of my belongings out of that house. The goal is to have everything, including the divorce settled by the end of June. I dont think i could have gotten this far without all of your help and support. Also, i just thought i would ask, if it makes any sense to any or you, then you have probably gone through something similar. And it is: How can you possibly hate someone with every ounce of your being and still care for them deeply and have a love for them? That has been racking my brain so i thought i would just throw that out. Thank again.
Jared

maleficent

good for you for moving out...

Emotions are a tricky thing.. it's entirely possible to hate someone and care about them at the same time... you loved her for a long tme, and she was your first love... you can't just turn that off... she betrayed you and she hurt you so the hate is only natural.. eventually you'll come to some happy medium within yourself... YOU are the important one now... take care of yourself

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Martel

Why did you move out of YOUR house? She's the one that's fucking around on you and treating your marriage like a middle school relationship, you need to pack up her shit on the doorstep and change the locks. If that feels harsh then tell yourself that the only reason you didn't throw all of it out the window and light it on fire in the front yard is that you still care for her a little bit. I can guarantee you that's what she would be doing if your situation was reversed. You're still letting her walk all over you and it's not going to stop until you act like you've got a pair and put up some boundaries.

Get pissed off. You deserve it. Let her know EXACTLY what you're thinking. Get in her face and yell a little. Don't do anything stupid or touch her, but I bet what she's looking for in other people is some manliness... bad-boy factor or what-have-you. If there's any chance whatsoever of you staying together in the long run, it's going to happen as a result of you standing up for yourself and being a whole person. You have feelings. She stomped all over them. Don't just put your tail between your legs and slink off. Go take charge of your house and your life. Let your WIFE know that she can either come crawling back to you as the most apologetic woman the world has ever known or she can take a long fucking walk off of a short pier.

I'm not the kind of person to get angry, but what she is doing to you is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

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Anamnesis

little_tippler

You'll get over it. It's hard but you will. She is not your best friend...best friends don't betray you that way. She was selfish. There is no excuse for cheating - ever. I agree that you shouldn't be the one moving out like you did something wrong. How do you get over it? Time, and then, you just do.

When you love someone that much and they completely throw that away, you hate them. Boy do you hate them. But love and hate area double-edged sword. When you stop hating (loving) her, then you'll be fine. Good luck with healing.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

STLCajun

Hey 62ford, I went through this quite a bit a go, and at first, I was all about fogiveness, and forgetting the sins of the past. 6 months after I found out that she had been cheating, I found out that she never stopped, and the other relationship was just as strong as ever. I called up a friend of mine, and I was out of the house that night (while she was on a weekend with him, no less).

Took us a year to finalize the divorce, but it's been done and over now for about 6 months.

While I hated her with every ounce of hate that I had, eventually we started talking, and have since become better friends than we ever were previously. Yeah.. I know.. strange.

Thinks will pick up for you, and time will heal all wounds.

BigBen

That, my friend, is the answer to life's question.

How can this happen at the same time? Why do I feel hot and cold, happy and sad, love and hate?

I wouldn't use the word hate in my situation. Hate is a word I reserve for very few occasions.

How can someone hurt you so badly, yet you still feel affection to them? Am I a dog, who rolls over and exposes myself when kicked? That is not acceptable.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

SirLance

The first thing you have to do is find a way to forgive and move on. I've moved on, but I'm still working on the forgiving part, and the divorce has been final for over 2 years...

But if you can do it, you can truly let go.

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