Are you at your wits end too?
 

Hey all, I am new here, so bear with me. I am posting this because I couldn't find anywhere else to go. I just got married last month, I love my wife dearly and would never do anything to hurt her, she is my soulmate and our relationship is perfect, except in one area. She has lost all interest in sex, not just like it is boring, but actually fighting me and pushing me away when I get playful, she doesnt flirt with me anymore, she doesnt even mention sex at all, when I bring up the topic she changes the subject or just ignores me or pretends that I didn't speak. It has been going on like this for some time, but I thought it was the stress of planning the wedding, we have been married for almost two months now and no change, she didn't even open up on our honeymoon! It didn't used to be like this, she used to enjoy sex as much as i do if not more. I have spoken to my wife about this and she doesn't seem to care. I have never cheated on anyone, ever, but I am not getting what I need at home. Am I a scumbag for considering straying now?

don't cheat on her - you know that's not the way to go.

Do you have access to a couples counselling service in your burg?

If you do, get yourselves booked in.

Welcome to TFP from a former ENCer. Are you at SJAF Base?

Leading up to the wedding put a serious dent in our sex life, and there was some residual stress afterwards that kept things on the low burner for a while, but not getting any on the honeymoon is a red flag.

How long did you date before getting married? Everybody is a freak early on in a sexual relationship. Whether or not she wants to talk about it, it needs to be discussed.

Did she go on birth control before this started?

Also reguardless you NEED to get an open communication on this going and let her know its not working as it is.

My first thought was "did she start taking any medications (including birth control) that would be messing with her desire"? However,
realy concerns me. It sounds like she's controlling you, playing mental games.

But, don't cheat. You need a 3rd party involved.

thank you all for your timley responses, the the only med she is on is an antibiotic called dicloxacill, and her doctor says no sexual side effects on that one. We have been together for almost 2 years (started dating in june '04 and got married in march '06) but we have been friends through the theatre group for at least nine years. I know sexual desire wears off after the "honeymoon phase" wears off, but this happened almost overnight about 18 months ago when we went to kansas to visit her mom and start planning the wedding. I have suggested counselling but she says "I'm not crazy' and gets angry. I love her more than life itself, thank you all for trying to help me

she may not be crazy, but her refusing to help you seek accommodation with her changing levels of desire could make you crazy.

If she's upset that you want sex, how about you present the need to see a counselor as an effort to help the pair of you understand and accommodate your overwhelming lust, rather than her think of you trying to "cure" her underwhelming lust.

The truth is that somewhere in the middle of those two extremes is the happy place where you can be in love with your wife, and make love with your wife.

Daniel, you're right it IS making me crazy and I have been as patient as I can be but like the topic says, I am at my wits end. I dont WANT to stray, but I need things that my wife is either unable or unwilling to give, the few times we have made love have been forced almost as if she is doing it just to shut me up, but once every three months just isn't cutting it. I will remain faithful, but you all know that sometimes instincts override our brains. Recently, I tnd to find myself fantasizing and unable to control my urges, like I am in high school all over again. Only this time I dont have any books to hide it behind.

once again, thanks for welcoming me here. having people to talk about it with is helping me more than I thought it would...

That's a pretty biased view of counseling. It's not just for "crazy" people. A lot of times it is can be just as simple as mediation and providing an outside viewpoint. Along with ideas that you may not have thought of.

Oh, and as others have said, Don't cheat! It won't solve anything and will cause many problems.

Edited: New info came up that made much of what I said pointless, sorry.

Damn dude... Im sorry to hear this... Im getting married next year, and just hearing this scares the hell out of me. I must admit that it has definitely been stressful planning the wedding. I just cannot see how there were no warning signs prior to getting married.

One thing could be that maybe she is hiding something?? Its possible, this would cause her to not want to open up to you...

Another thing is if maybe you are pursuing too hard to have sex... like asking everyday or something... If so, then try blowing her off and not mention it for a while and see what happens...

Regardless, this is a very tough situation, and Im sorry you are going through this. But if the above opinions i gave are not good, then you may want to try the Councelling thing if its possible to get her to go.

If your wife is not willing to communicate about problems in the relationship nor try to fix them, you need to evaluate whether you want to be with someone like that before you lose the ability to move on. Marriage is going to be tough if your partner can't even talk about problems, let alone solve them. I would really try and have open communication about this; counseling would be a good idea if you could get her to acknowledge the problem and start acting to do something about it.

Don't cheat, though. You are better than that.

If that's when the change seemed to occur - what happened in Kansas?

What kind of relationship do her parents have? or is it just her mom...

I spent 6 years in Kansas and had no sex whatsoever. It must be the damn wheat.

good steaks though... :D


my point was - did she come into contact with someone - have a conversation with someone, like mom - did something happen on that trip that made her have different feelings about sex and/or marriage...

her mom lives in kansas alone, she was molested in that house when she was very young by her then step-brother, I think seeing that house again from the perspective of an actual "relationship" scared the hell out of her, but this is just a guess. Her mom absolutely loves me, we talk like old friends. What do you all think, maybe she is reliving her past when I touch her? If so, how can I help her

and Sam821, dont be scared, if you love her then marrige will be the most wonderful thing you have ever experianced, my married life is absolutely wonderful in every regard except sexually. and dont think that my problem is the norm, I know countless married couples who are happier IN EVERY WAY than they have ever been.

Did she have any kind of couselling to deal with the molestation? Anything is possible that the trip home - if she hadn't been there in a while - could have brought back bad memories...

I'd talk about it with her... and see what she's thinking...

Go slow with her and see where she's willing to go - start with kissing and good old fashioned making out on the couch in front of a movie (people do stilldo that don't they??? :D Don't put pressure on her to go further... and see where she leads you.

There's actually quite a few threads in this forum on what you are describing... that their partner's libido has changed... the answer is always -- Communicate...

Sounds like you're doing that... but it' the right communication that's not happening...

Instead of "honey, we never have sex anymore... blah blah", try "honey, I love giving you back rubs, and feeling close to you -- would you let me do that..." and work up from there...

Patience grasshopper... sounds like you want to save this marriage..

Ill try that, thanks everyone

Sorry for being brutal, but it sounds like you're being a pushover. A lot of times when people say they "discussed" something, they didn't do any true discussing, only merely hinting.

How does she ignore you? It sounds like you're backing down too easily. She's making it clear she doesn't want to talk about it with her manner, so you need to push her. Don't let her silence or noncomittable be OKAY. PUSH HER VERBAL BOUNDARIES WITH HONEST QUESTIONS.

The ground rules are avoid blaming, avoid negative questions, and avoid questions that imply the current situation is bad. Other than that, keep asking questions about sex until you get an answer. She'll feel comfortable about one of them, if you keep asking. It's all a pyschologist would do, anyway.

"Do you like sex with me?"
"Is something wrong with our relationship that we need to talk about?"
"Have you desired me recently?"
"Do you care about me in a physical way?"
"Have your needs changed?"
"Is there anything I can do to please you sexually?"
"Are you afraid to have sex with me?"
"Do you still enjoy thinking about me romantically?"
"Do you wish you could still have sex with me?"
"Do you feel awkward when thinking about sex?"
"Has something changed in you regarding sex?"
"Have old memories about sex come back to you?"
"Do you feel like we feel the same way about sex as we used to?"
"If not, what changed?"

When someone fails at communicating, it is your JOB to make them communicate their needs and feelings TO YOU.

You need to ask all of those until you start getting answers. I've never seen someone "hiding" an issue by ignoring it thesmelves or by ignoring others stay strong in their ignorance through a barrage of hopelessly honest questions.

For the record, if you ask this kind of question, you should go ahead and mention the sexual abuse in the original post... molestation fucks up people in many ways, and the advice given may have been quite different.

There's always the option of going to counseling without her.

Cheating is not an option. Personally, though I consider feigning an interest in sex until marriage, and abandoning it after the ceremony, every bit as bad.

You need to find out what the problem is. Waiting will only make it worse.

I am asking her honest questions and I dont think I am being a pushover, when i ask her if she enjoys sex with me she says yes, I have asked her all of your questions more than once, when we get to why she is cutting me off she says "I don't know" and refuses to elaborate.
Also sorry I didn't mention the molestation thing, it is kind of private and I am used to not talking about it.
Really, this is the most open community I have ever found, thank you all so much

If she isn't listening to your verbal hints maybe write her a letter, and if you still have the patience try to make it a romantic one eluding to a nice romantic getaway you could have...or be blunt and get what you have to say off your chest. Cheating is hardly the route to go, the molestation thing is a big issue and needs to be addressed - most probably not by you but through some form of therapy?

I know that cheating is not the way to go, and I think that just having someone else tell me that is enough to steel my resolve, thank you all for your kindness and honesty

I think given the molestation information, counseling is needed.

I recommend something just for you to deal with it in the interim, find a Stephen Minister and talk to him. They're volunteer folks trained to help people in a variety of social situations. It's free.

You mentioned your warm relationship with her mother. Could you talk to her about this problem? I don't mean in any uncomfortable detail; just that a conversation with her could give you some added insight into your wife's state of mind. Her mother knows her better than anyone, and maybe they've been talking about this already. Your mother in law could act as an intermediary, no? After all, she wants her daughter to be happy too.

Thanks... yea, we should be fine... I wouldnt marry her if I didnt think so...

And yea, the molestation could be a key to your problems... Any kind of sexual abuse would trigger some kind of abnormality in that persons "sex life"... I think you should focus on that, and try to figure out how to solve it.

It sounds to me the molestation thing is it. She went to Kansas feeling fine about sex, came back from Kansas not wanting to have sex. Something snapped in her head. She fights your advances off the same way she'd fight off a molester.

This is NOT healthy, for her, for your marriage, or for you. You need to sit her down and have a very serious, adult, loving conversation with her. Let her know that you support her, and understand that the Kansas trip was hard on her. If she's having issues with the molestation, like if she's never fully recovered mentally from it, it is now something that needs to be talked about, discussed, and dealt with TOGETHER. Being married is a partnership, which means there are no secrets from each other. Communication is the most important part of a marriage, and you and your wife are not really communicating about what's going on with her becuause she refuses to for some reason.

Also, I hate to say this, if she cannot or will not deal with the molestation that happened to her, it will tear your marriage apart. Sex is part of marriage, it's part of any healthy relationship. It is ludicrious to think that having sex once every three months is "normal." If she will not discuss what's wrong, you might have to make the very painful decision to seperate. In the long run, seperation would be less painful than living with a wife who refuses to have sex with you, thus building up your sexual desire, tension in your household, and general unrest in your relationship.

Marriage counseling for the both of you and counseling for her about her past would be best. You cannot solve her deep-rooted issues yourself. Professionals are there for a reason, they will help you more than you can possibly imagine. Good luck.

Um, it seems pretty clear that if she was molested as a child and this started when she revisited the place where it happened...it's not too hard to connect the dots.

First, you need to back off. I know it's difficult to put your sexual needs on hold, but you're dealing with a very complicated and deep-seated issue, and pushing her is only going to make things worse. As hard as it is to not take it personally, just know that she isn't rejecting you - she's doing what she feels she needs to do to protect herself emotionally from whatever negative associations with sex the visit to her home has brought up. It's not about you.

Second, she needs to go to counseling to deal with the molestation issue. Even if it was "handled" before, clearly something has come up that made something resurface for her. It's possible that she can't even articulate it, and maybe isn't even consciously aware of it, given that she hasn't brought it up.

Third, it would probably be a good idea for you to go to counseling as well, either with her, or by yourself, or both, to learn how to deal with her issues in a productive and positive and caring way, and also to take care of yourself while making sure she is okay. This can put a serious strain on a relationship and it would be good for you to have someone to talk to about it.

And lastly, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It's difficult to know that someone you love is in pain, and yet be concerned about your own wants and needs. Just know that you're normal, and don't feel guilty; but know that it is going to take some work and all the compassion and patience you can bring to your marriage to get her through this. Hang in there!

Is it just me or does this sound very "LoveLine"?


By the way... You're wife isn't crazy, she still loves you, she has issues she needs to work out. If you're willing to help her do so then you should stick around... if not, leave.

i dont think anyones mentioned this before but.... maybe shes seeing someone else. that tends to make your sex life nose-dive with your current partner. we've mentioned him cheating, but what about HER cheating? is that a chance?

not really a chance no, I trust my wife completely. I thought that there might be someone else on the side as well, and i confronted her about it. She was genuinely upset at the notion (she is not one of those people who can cry on command, and she was sobbing) I firmly believe that she is being faithful, no matter what her problems are. All I want is for her to be happy, and if it comes down to it, in the end, I will give up on sex forever if it will make her smile. I don't want that outcome of course, and I am doing everything I can to avoid it. We had a discussion about this last night, lasting until 4am, and we are going to start counselling on monday.

I have been avoiding the molestation issue with her because she doesn't want to talk about it, I guess I had built a mental block about it too. I never really thought about it as the root of our problem until you guys brought it up. I will encourage my wife to talk about it in the counselling session, in an open, honest, non-judgemental room where she is surrounded by people she loves and that love her.

Once again, thank you all for your wonderful support. I think I will be here for quite some time.

i really think the counseling will help out, i know the molestation has to be at the bottom of it, good for you for talking about it and taking necessary steps to fix the problem. good luck with counseling and opening things up. i know good things will come from it, you are a very dedicated man, i can see that you care alot for her and your marriage. let us know how things go. and good luck.

*applause*

Very glad to hear that communications are opening up between you two. Please keep us posted, if you or she don't mind.

^^^ what redlemon said^^^

that's great to hear... erm - read... :D

That is great news - hope it works for you.

Hooray!! Good luck on Monday!!

One last thing: there are good counselors and not-so-good ones. If you don't like the one you meet with, don't despair! Try another one, maybe someone a friend went to and liked. I went to 3 counselors with endemic depression before I found one who could make it better and I am SO glad I persisted.

After counseling you should go out for ice cream!

Good luck, keep us up to date when you have a chance.

I am SO INSANELY HAPPY that you are going to counseling. There's so many people who post on TFP talking about their relationships and then run around in circles doing NOTHING to improve them. Remeber to keep communication constant, honest, respectful, and ever-present in your marriage. Best of luck!

Yea man, Good Job!! You are definitily on the right track and doing the right thing!!! I really hope that things start moving in the right direction from there, Its also GREAT that you are dealing with this now, and early into the marrige when things would be easier to work out. Let us know how everything goes!

I only just saw this post but I'm glad you have found a way to start communicating. More than ever, I think that open and honest communication is the key to a great and healthy relationship...good luck, I hope you let us know how it goes.