Ustwo

Wow Mal, I think this is the first time I've disagreed with anything you posted, but not too strongly at least

I think people are mixing specific fantasies with general ones.

You might fantasize about killing someone, but there are reasons why this would be a 'bad thing' and I'd also hope it doesn't turn you on sexually.

You might fantasize about having sex with the boss, and again, there are reasons why this could be a 'bad thing' in terms of your job, home life, etc.

You might fantasize about having a FMF, and you find out your S.O wants to do it too. It too could be a 'bad thing' in some circumstances, but it can be a very good thing as well. To just dismiss a sexual fantasy out of hand might mean you are missing out on what would otherwise be a good addition to your life.

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ratbastid

Not every fantasy has to be fulfilled. I enjoyed Moby Dick. Doesn't mean I have to go whaling.

A lot can be gained by from challenging the expectations and relationship definitions that society gives us. But it's not for everyone.

Willravel

I didn't get a woody from Dune either, but I was stimulated in a place that usually doesn't get stimulated: my need for adventure. I don't see that as too different from the libido: my need for sex. It's a matter of putting yourself into a different reality in which you can satiate desires that would not be apporpriate or possible to satiate otherwise.
I don't care for Citizen Cane. Again, this is about escapism, whether you are eescaping for porn or any other form of stimulation.
I don't define my relationship with my wife on sex alone, although it's incredible. I define our relationship by all it's facets, but neither of us are intereted in a 3-some in reality. If it's not fun for either of us, why persue it? Whether or not monogamy is natural, I enjoy it.
I don't know why I'm not interested in a 3-some in real life, but I'm not. It's really that simple. Whether it's Jodeo-Christian programming or simply the way I am, it's just not on my list of things to do.

Jinn

I'm not sure if this is a gender or personality difference, but it's definitely something that I, as a male, fail to see from the opposite side. I bet you can look at a person and see that they're attractive, and even wonder what they'd be like to "lie with" in the Biblical sense, without saying that it ever will or should come to fruition.

It's entirely possible for something attractive to become very UNattractive when you apply the constructions of morality and reality. If I stop for 5 seconds to ponder what someone looks like under their clothes, it doesn't mean I WANT to see them under their clothes. Becuase in reality, things like reponsibility, decency, morality, and trust come into play. And when those things come into the "balancing act," they far outweigh any "fantasy" desire I might have had.

It's like man I really wonder what it would be like to do 200 mph on a street bike through crowded streets ripping between cars and running red lights like a true maniac. Holy shit that's awesome, its something I'd like to do in real life...

Oh wait! When I come back to real life, I realize the primary problem: death. In my fantasy, I could control my bike and other cars so that I could never be killed. But back in the real world, the constraints placed on make it far less attractive -- to the point that I'll probably not do it -- simply because I prefer life to that fantasy. Much as I prefer my relationship to some silly 5 second thought I might have.

He might find it mildly attractive, but when it comes down to the real world.. the constraints of loving you and wanting to keep you to himself override that fantasy attraction, no matter how strong it was when seperated from the real-world considerations.

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Sultana

Thank you folks for all your thoughtful responses, this has been much more illuminating that I had guessed!

I'm wondering if this dual thought process is the fundamental reason why women tend to find porn upsetting:
That a guy looks at it, can actually wonder what it'd be like, and then put it away and say it is completely meaningless to them, but a women, when she wonders what something is like, is much more likely to actually give it a whirl (edited to add: ), and extrapolates that a man would be the same way.

My SO wondering what some other woman would be like sexually would be what actually gets my panties in a wad about porn.

If I get to the point where I spend significant amounts of time imagining what something would be like, well, I have to tell you I'm likely to try to find out. Whether it's sexual or not (except for that unassisted flying fantasy). . Maybe that's why I'm not really into porn (and perhaps for other women as well), because it's not gonna happen, so it's kinda a waste of time (with a few exceptions, *blush*).

If for instance I start subscribing to a travel magazine (because I love travel even though I can't afford it), if I keep reading those articles and looking at those glorious pictures, chances are I'm going to find a way to do some kind of travel.

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Jinn

Yes.

I wrote out a whole reply but really it said what you said. No sense repeating.. so -- Yes.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

abaya

Sultana, this is exactly what I am talking about... I have the same attitude as you. For me, I love to dream/fantasize about things that I *want* to do... and I am thrilled when they come true. I try to not fantasize about things that can never come true, because then I get very frustrated and feel like I don't have any power in my life. This happens both sexually and in other arenas. I wonder if this is really a gender thing, as you say, or if it's a personality thing? Let's collect more data and find out...

To take some examples from the board so far: when I read about places or people, fiction or not, I want to experience them. Yes, even Harry Potter for god's sake... if it was actually possible to attend a wizarding school, I would go in an instant. I remember reading a book when I was young about a witch's academy where people learned to fly around on brooms, and I begged my dad to let me try to fly around (I was really young!). In the end he took such pity on me that he would lift me up on a broom and whoosh me around in the air. Which was fun, but it wasn't quite real enough to satisfy me.

Or, take Moby Dick... which was my favorite novel as an English major. I was dying to spend a semester at sea after reading that book, and actively looked for opportunities to do so. Unfortunately, there were no opportunities offered by my university, so I disliked that reality as well. It wasn't enough to just read the book and dream.. I wanted to make it happen. I fantasized about going to Iceland for a year after college; I made it happen, regardless of the reality that I had to leave a job I had trained 5 years to do and invested thousands of dollars in. I fantasized about backpacking around Europe; I pursued it every day, made plans, nailed every detail, until it happened. In fact, I have always fantasized about traveling; as a result, I have chosen a job that would allow me to do so (becoming an anthropologist, most recently allowing me a job where I spent 7 weeks living in a rural African village). On a sexual note, I fantasized about losing my virginity before marriage (I had been raised to NOT dream about those things)... it happened less than a week after I made that decision, and continues to happen. Thus I only really watch porn that I wouldn't mind participating in, in real life... and I do watch a goodly amount of porn.

So all I'm saying is, if I dream or fantasize or whatever about something, and if there's even the smallest chance it could happen, I WILL FIND A WAY! And I have a hard time understanding why anyone would get a hard-on (literally) about something that they don't *actually* want to happen. That's all... just trying to understand the whole phenomenon.

Random thought: so guys, if you are turned on by anal sex porn, would you be turned off by it in real life? Riiiiiiight...

Btw, let it be noted that once again, I agree with everything Ustwo has said on this thread so far.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Toaster126

Yes. Sorry to burst your bubble.

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abaya

Fair 'nuff, not a huge bubble really. But what about other opinions here?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

raeanna74

Hubby would be totally fine with it. He HAS been fine with it and enjoyed it. But we've talked about it. We've talked about other things too though and there are some things that I know he'd feel uncomfortable about me doing (ie. having sex for money - I've been offered this) because of the type of girl that is normally portrayed as engaging in this type of behavior.

He wants a sex kitten but not a whore to be the girl he's with. I think some guys think that the type of girl they're with reflects on them as to what type of guy they are. A guy who can't get anything but a whore is probably considered more desperate while one who's only got a lively sexy girl is something else.

I hope you can talk more with your guy and find out new things that he WOULD enjoy. Good luck and have fun.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

abaya

Raeanna reminded me of a point I didn't make clear earlier: of course you should talk to your partner about engaging in any kind of out-of-relationship activity *before* it happens. Communication is key!!

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

cybersharp

The bit about reflection coming back upon the guy, well I believe that is atleast a little true. I know it is in my case.

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0PtIcAl

Prince

Well, in fantasies, I have a bigger cock and weigh 60 pounds less.

Fantasies <> reality. Oil <> water.

Basically, you shouldn't try and make someone's fantasy a reality unless you're certain they want it to become real. People aren't always ready to deal with that concept, as fantasies are like TV shows...you can turn them on and turn them off, and not have to deal with any underlying issues or aftermath.

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