CityOfAngels

All throughout my childhood, I was never a ladies man. Charisma just wasn't my specialty, and I was overweight and totally insecure. High school comes, and I start playing street basketball. I grow to love the game, and end up losing a ton of weight because of it. My confidence built up, and I started pulling ladies left and right. This lasted until a few years after high school. I ended up quitting community college because I was offered a then-lucrative job that took up all of my time, and I fell in love with a woman who I devoted way too much time to. I gradually lowered my amount of time devoted to basketball until I found myself not having played in a year.

I break up with that woman, which just so happened to be when my job started to slow down, and my confidence is still high, but I'm doubting myself due to the way the breakup happened (long story of a past that I have left behind). I was also still sleeping with this woman, but one thing that got to me is the fact that she was the only person I was sleeping with at the time. Slowly my confidence lowered and lowered, until I met another woman.

This woman put my mind and emotions through a crazy twist that left me completely disoriented. We had agreed to not be exclusive, but I never actually got to sleep with her. She wasn't a virgin or a secondary virgin, but she would tease me like I've never been teased in my life without a more climactic result. It was as if she used me as some play toy to give her attention, all the while leaving me to think she really saw something in me. Anyways, I got out of that. I loved those huge, perfect breasts in my face, but she was killin' me. She would sit on top of me with nothing but panties on, rub her 'self' all over my bare 'self', but she wasn't havin' it when I would try to graduate to the next level. She would pull out my dick and kiss it, but she would never go down on me. I felt like a high school kid trying to lose his virginity.

That situation alone; the fact that not only did she not find me attractive enough to sleep with, but that she put me through all that, left me completely bitter. When I later found out that she likes my brother, she has a boyfriend, and she doesn't like me at all, it hit me really hard. It felt like some crazy conspiracy that I wouldn't dare bring up for the risk of looking and sounding crazy. My confidence was super low, and as I haven't been playing basketball as much in the last year, I've gained a lot of my old weight back (luckily not all of it). All of this really took a toll on the depression I've been going through for what seems my whole life.

But I still move on. I still keep trucking. I see my neighbor one day, a beautiful 26 year old woman I would only dream about talking to when I was in high school, and now that I'm older, I decide to talk to her. We hit it off, and one night she agreed to a movie with me. We had to postpone it because her family was over, so after they left, I showed up at her door to see what's up, and well, her boyfriend answers the door. I played it off like I was borrowing butter, 'cause despite her not telling me she wasn't single, I didn't want to fark up anything she may have had going. I'm only assuming she might've been planning on sneaking "that neighbor kid" in whenever her boyfriend wasn't around. To tell the truth, I wouldn't have a problem with that, but now that things got all wierd after that moment, I just left that alone.

So now, I'm just thinking it's bad luck. There's absolutely no way I could have completely lost "it", whatever "it" is. But today, I'm carrying my bags of laundry home from the laundry mat (it's across the street from my apartment), and I see this girl I knew in high school. 10th grade, I hardly even knew her but she came up to me one day and said she wanted me to take her home with me. This chick is hot, I was a horny teenager (I'm still just the same ), but my pops at the time was always home. We never found a spot, and we didn't really have anything else in common other than we wanted to fuck, so we just called it off after trying to find a spot got lame. Anyways, I see this chick, and I'm like, "Hey you went to Venice High School." She looks and me, smiles, and says, "Yeah I remember you." But she starts to walk faster. I say, "How've you been?" But she keeps walking faster and faster, ignoring me the whole time.

So I'm just like, I just got super dissed and don't know why. Ok whatever I brush it off, but given the current circumstances of my own confidence, self-esteem, and the fact that in a few months it will have been a year since I've gotten laid... it's just nutty. I keep telling myself I'm just in a slump; I'll come out of it. But it's just not happenin'. I hate to be cliche and quote an amazing album, but it really seems like a downward spiral.

But I want to turn that spiral into a pendulum. I at least want to restore balance to my life by finally defeating this self-destructive depression I've been going through. I've already started to play basketball again, and set a goal to play at least twice a week. I'm looking into finding new jobs and other ways of bringing in money. But I know that no matter if I bring myself out of this slump, I don't think I will ever forget what Eric Clapton (and probably a lot of other people) sung: "Nobody knows you when you're down and out."

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The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

Cynthetiq

seems more like a journal entry than a discussion.... what did you want to discuss???

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.